Category Archives: culture

Tell Another Story

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NaBloPoMo 2021:  Do Good, Kid

What emotions and attitudes underlie the chronic and automatic narratives we harbor in our lives and relationships?  It’s a hard question, and well worth asking.  A couple days ago I wondered about stories I tell about someone after recurrent negative experiences with them.  But what about stories I tell about other people based solely on my own issues?  We each carry around a unique knapsack of biases, overt and occult.  They weigh and slow us down; they hinder our ability to connect with one another.  What relationships do we miss, damage, or destroy because of them, without even knowing?

So what about the driver who cuts you off in traffic?  Conventional wisdom tells us to imagine that they are having some kind of emergency; they are not a bad person.  I agree, we should not assume they are ‘bad.’  But let’s imagine there’s no emergency.  They drive without regard to others’ safety or traffic law every day.  So they’re rude, disrespectful, a menace—that’s another plausible, albeit still judgmental, story.  They’re not like us, we’re not like that.  So we are justified in our angry outburst at their insolence…  And now we’ve given away our peace for no benefit, and we have separated ourselves from another person, if only abstractly.

What do we imagine causes a person to behave—to live—without regard to others?  When have we behaved like that ourselves—maybe not behind the wheel, but in other situations?  What was driving us to do that?  Where is that our default pattern?  What self-justifying story do we tell about that?  Some would argue that when we knowingly harm others or put them at risk, it comes from our own places of pain.  We are wired to survive, and striking before being stricken works well for that.  We succumb to innate negativity bias, zeroing in on what could harm us and deflecting or destroying it, before appreciating what helps us, and then attracting and manifesting that.  The rude driver cuts us off, we call them a (jerk).  Everyone for themselves, check.

What if I tell the story that that person deserves more love and appreciation, more opportunity in life, than they are used to getting?  When I behave like that, don’t I have some unmet need that I’m advocating for, however subconsciously and ineptly?  What other, more fundamental question, helps us to ask when engaging with people who put us off at first?  When I tell a more empathetic and compassionate, or at least less judgmental story about others and myself, how does that affect my general outlook, and then my behavior, my relationships, and my overall satisfaction with life?

Envy.  Insecurity.  Hurt.  Disappointment.  Grief.  Disdain.  Pride.  Self-righteousness.  Loneliness.  Stories grounded in these emotions tell us about scarcity and competition, which may be real, and also incomplete plotlines.  If survival is all we can hope for, these stories may suffice.

Generosity.  Kindness.  Curiosity.  Humility.  Fairness.  Honesty.  Connection.  Love.  These themes paint a different story mural, one with more color and light, and much more depth and complexity.  Beyond survival, such stories hold the possibility for abundance, thriving, flourishing, and synergy. 

I’m not saying we should whitewash destructive behavior and waive responsibility for any harm we inflict on each other.  Accountability and compassion are not mutually exclusive.  I do think that we too easily throw each other and our connections away based on behaviors (or opinions, positions, and causes) that do not necessarily represent our whole selves.  We tell harsh, oversimplified stories based on sparse information and copious judgment.

Telling more stories is like choosing the wide angle rather than the zoom or macro lens.  It gives us an opportunity to see a bigger, more coherent, unified picture.  Exploring alternative explanations, beyond our automatic assumptions, enables crucially broader perspective.  Applying this practice regularly can help avert myriad conflicts based on miscommunication and misunderstanding, and clear the brambled paths between us.  It is yet another vital tool for connection and peace.

Spread Love

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NaBloPoMo 2021:  Do Good, Kid

It’s not complicated

Just do nice things

Hold a door

Pick up something dropped

Give directions

Make eye contact and smile

Say hello

When someone does something nice

Thank them profusely

Because you feel it sincerely

So feel it sincerely

Please

When you think of your friend

Let them know

How much you care

What you love about them

How they make you feel good

Why the world is better

Because they are in it

When someone sees you

Especially your children

Make sure they see

In your face

Without question

How much you love them

And care for them

And want them to be happy

“If you have the power

“To make someone happy

“Do it

“The world needs more of that”

Trust Your Worth

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NaBloPoMo 2021:  Do Good, Kid

I wonder how this post will land on women, versus men?

Another insight that emerged from my call with friends yesterday involved how we define and acknowledge our worth.  Reflecting on the evolution of our lives, my friends and I explored identity, societal metrics of success, and what really matters to us. 

One of us has been looking through old family photographs lately, and realizing that raising her family, more than her career, per se, is what affirms that ‘my life has mattered.’  I was just reflecting the other day on how much I seek the approval of certain people at work—how constantly their opinions weigh on my mind—leaders whom I respect, and whose respect I want in return.  Why do I care so much what people think of me?  The third of us has concluded that the most important meaning we can make in life revolves around deep connection with people.

All three of us are strong, independent, thoughtful, moral women who make positive contributions to society, no question.  We all stand firmly in unabashed acknowledgment of our personal worth and existential worthiness.  We know in our thinking brains that we are enough.  And yet, we all still crave and seek the approval of others, of society.  Whether it’s a title, income, or some other metric of status or accomplishment, we cannot help but attend to some implicit code of social standing.  Ironically, too, isn’t it a societal expectation that we also ‘shouldn’t need outside affirmation’ for our self-image or –esteem?  Fascinating. 

We observe men and wonder if they feel at all similarly?  Do men ever question or care what others think or where they stand in the group?  They must, right?  We all do.  We three agreed that while we all have a human need for acceptance and belonging, men and women are socialized very differently in how to attain it.  In short, men are expected to compete; women to collaborate.  In both cases, though, I think we all shine brightest and are rewarded when we bring our whole, integrated selves to participate.  The feedback we get from both competing and collaborating serves as our tribal belonging reality check, which is crucial information for relationships and survival.  And, we all must do our own inner work.  How can I bring my best self unless I know who that is?  And how can I know unless I practice some kind of self-awareness?

So as usual, it’s a matter of Both, And: I live by my own strong personal standards of conduct and contribution.  I judge for myself whether I do or am enough.  And, I benefit from the feedback of those whose judgments and relationships matter to me.  I check my work against meaningful external yardsticks and balance those metrics with my own ideals.  I believe we can train to hold this existential and relational tension with humble confidence and self-trust.  Connection (and collaboration) with amazing friends like mine are an essential part of a successful life training regimen.