Category Archives: gratitude

Your Best Self Reflected

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I share below a message to my friend who requested my stories of when I have seen them at their best, as part of a leadership program they have begun. I hope my response serves their puproses and goals. I share here because reflections like this, between friends, nourish our souls mutually. The experience makes me consider others for whom I might do this exercise, so that I may deepen my own appreciation for them, and thus present more openly, humbly, and lovingly to them. There are definitely relationships in my life that could benefit from this boost of connection.

My question for you, Dear Readers:
Whom would you ask to tell their stories of you at your best, and how would those stories affect you, them, and your relationships?
I have only now asked myself this question, and I look forward to what emerges hereafter. Maybe I’ll even write about it sometime. 🙂

Onward:

—–

My Dear Friend,

Thank you for your patience for this feedback.  I apologize for the delay—I wanted it to be worthy of your review! 😜

On 21 May I wrote my thoughts stream-of-consciousness style, wanted to get the notes down before writing them out for you formally.  I’ve done this more lately with writing to others—like a first draft.  Then I find that after I’ve gotten it out, I’m less motivated to go back and edit/polish.  Fascinating!  I bet this is a part of my process that will require management if I’m actually going to write a whole book—so THANK YOU for helping me discover it! 😜  But this message is supposed to be about YOU… 😉

Please find below photos of the journaling.  They are not stories, exactly, but they are honest reflections of the time I have spent with you since we met back in 2017.  I hope the descriptions in ink serve the purpose and goals of the exercise—telling you stories of when I have experienced you at your best?  

What a GIFT our relationship is to me, because my only​ experience of you, I realize now, is you at your best– it’s you in friendship.  ​​It’s you in Agape loving connection, for no other purpose than that, for its own sake… Well, for the sake of living a life of meaning, in accordance with your core values and integrity…  My story of us, of our friendship, is that we are here to uphold each other.  We serve each other as pillars of validation, exploration, curiosity, learning, and growth.  It doesn’t matter what we’re dealing with in our lives, what’s happening in our other relationships—our friendship is both separate from and closely tied to all of it—does that make sense?  

​I write below about your caring, your patience, your trust.  I see now that I left out your practice of judgment.  I value withholding judgment, especially the kind that makes us closed to new information and experience in our relationships.  I also recognize the value of judgment in a different sense—the reconciliation and navigation of our observations and perceptions with and against our values and goals.  You don’t judge people and their actions/behaviors as good or bad.  You don’t label people and categorize them, write them off—like EVER!   Rather, you continuously observe, assess, and attune.  You actively seek both the consonance and dissonance that lead to insight and right action!  ‘Discernment’ keeps coming up for me now, as I attempt to summarize my ‘story’ of you at your best. 

sigh​

So lucky, so thankful.  Exercises like this, if they benefit you, the receiver at all, definitely also benefit us, the ‘givers.’  Reflection on relationship nourishes my soul—OMG I just live for it!

It’s raining outside today, and I feel positively lit—from inside and out, the fire of connection burning slow and bright, tended and stoked consistently with love from all around.  Going now to meet (Friend), another bright light like you.

Wishing you everything good, everything you need to keep your own fires lit and burning bright, my dear friend!!  Can’t wait to see you again and continue the conversation!

Blessings and peace, and love to you and all of yours–

❤️ Cathy xo

Love Letter to My MD Classmates

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My first stethoscope, retired now after 29 years.

Congratulations, Pritzker School of Medicine Class of 1999! It’s been 25 years.

Look how far we’ve come! Many of us were babies when we started–in our early 20s, brains not even fully formed, enrolled straight out of college, innocent and arrogant at the same time. Now some of our own children are that exact age, and we look at them hiding knowing smirks. Oh, they’ll learn life in good time, these kids.

Being with so many of you this weekend, some not since we graduated, filled my heart with such expansive warmth and joy. We are all now still who we were then–same smiles, postures, mannerisms, quirks. And we have all definitely ‘matured.’ Some of us now sport lighter hair and heavier bodies. Others, damn you, exhibit no observable physical changes. Our greatest acquisition, however, is our hard-earned wisdom and character–that which can only come with lived experience. Med school was no joke, and residency a trial by fire. We have all witnessed life at its first and last breaths, and among all of us, everything in between. We listen, watch, palpate, percuss, incise, excise, medicate, compress, intubate, ventilate, inject, evacuate, saw, cauterize, staple, and suture. We research, write, present, teach, and lead. We are the experts in our fields. And yet, our age and work have taught us humility, made us reverent, lifelong learners first. As technology accelerates and we increasingly inhabit a world of human creation, with which we are not physiologically equipped to cope, we, the Class of 1999 and our colleagues of other years, persist in our oath to care for our fellow humans to the best of our ability. We commit to Helping however we can, to comforting even when we cannot relieve or cure.

I feel a kind of double vision, seeing us as we were then when I look at us now. The playful comaraderie, the stories, the shop talk–it’s as if no time has gone by–we are still us, Pritzker ’99. This is how deep, bonded belonging feels. How many of us marveled repeatedly this weekend over tacos, drinks, snacks, and dessert at the special-ness of it all? We are a tribe within a tribe, a cluster of diversity unified over time, experience, and age. Differences between and among us in youth feel almost irrelevant now, frictions dissipated, shared memories cemented. Interdisciplinary stereotypes and tensions evaporate among us as classmates. We knew and know one another first as whole people, in the same boat from the outset, rowing together, ever forward. HA! We grew from undifferentiated, pluripotent stem cells into fully functioning end organ tissues, now differentiated and still attuned to one another–like a nascent, then seasoned orchestra playing an ever larger and more complex repertoire.

OH, how I reveled in the hugs, the smiles, the recollections, reflections, and communion, the hopes and plans for future sustained connection. It felt honest and vulnerable, soft and strong, professional and personal–safe–one of you said it felt like coming home. Yes.

*sigh*

I had no idea 25 years ago that it would feel this way now. It’s the best, most heartwarming surprise. I wrote about our 20 year reunion, which I only just now remembered. Clearly, these events move me immediately and deeply, this time even more so than last.

My greatest wish for us all, my dear classmates, is that we may continue bravely, wholeheartedly, generously, joyfully, and humbly, on the mission of our esteemed profession, for many years yet. My greatest hope is that we maintain and tighten our bonds, holding one another up in spirit across the miles and over the coming decades. My greatest joy is that we may stay connected, no matter what happens in our careers and lives.

Peace, love, and light to you all. May our collective affection and bond call forth the best in us, for ourselves, our patients, loved ones, institutions, and all of humanity that we have the privilege to touch.

The Expert and the Student

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What do you take for granted that you know and do?
How do your conversations with colleagues differ from those with ‘laypeople’?
How does your specific expertise emerge and manifest outside of its own domain?

Friend recently told me about the time his friend offered their Adderall (a stimulant used to treat attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder) for his full body, multi-system allergic reaction to food (which technically constitutes anaphylaxis and should be treated with epinephrine, or at least a strong antihistamine like cetirazine [Zyrtec] or diphenhydramine [Benadryl]). I had immediate, strong, and mixed feelings and thoughts: What? Oh, your friend was trying to be helpful.. and that is absolutely not the right thing.. and omg, what badness could have happened? ANTIHISTAMINES FOR ALLERGIES! And this is why everybody needs an accessible primary care doctor, FFS. Okay, okay, self-regulate. Friend has lived with his allergies for however long, he has apparently handled it fine thus far; this is not my business. Unsolicited medical advice is not often welcome, Chenger, so zip it! And GAAAAAAH, my dear friend, the next time you have an exposure, I pray please for you to have more knowledgeable folks around you! OH that self-restraint really challenges me sometimes.
I share this story as an example of how my doctor mind is always present, always assessing. I felt caring, protective, and concerned when Friend told me, and not at all dismissive or condescending, so I hope that is not how it comes across. All I want is for Friend to be well, to have all he needs for that, and to help if I can, within appropriate boundaries. I hope I respected his boundaries well that day, while still conveying how much I care.

Opioids, anti-inflammatories, corticosteroids, Tylenol–they all address pain, and by different mechanisms, with different side effects, and can be combined and not in certain ways–I know these things. Blood count, chemistries, lipid profiles, iron, B12, CRP, sed rate, TSH–I have ordered and interpreted these and other ‘routine’ blood tests for almost thirty years now. I see patterns for fluctuations, correlates to behaviors, and advise accordingly. Pain, headache, dizziness, nausea, rash, shortness of breath, diarrhea, and myriad other things–I know what’s common and how to treat. I know what to do when I don’t know what’s happening. I know who to call for help. I know how to sit with you, my patient, when things are uncertain and you feel acute distress. I know how to listen beyond the objective answers to my questions. I see you, or at least I do my best. And the longer we know each other, the better I know how to help you, no matter what’s going on. I am an expert at primary care internal medicine.

“Routine,” Orthopod said to me before my knee surgery. I imagine he saw me as a fellow physician and assumed I understood the technical aspects of procedure risk and outcome expectations–which I did. And I was the patient in that scenario, anxious despite my expert medical knowledge, and possibly in part due to it, because I also know how things can go unexpectedly sideways in any operating room. “Routine for you,” I replied. I trusted him, the surgical expert, with my knee and my health. No longer a medical student, and still a learner in a different role, I felt vulnerable and safe. I think we both had a little a-ha moment then.

“Jacob, watch, please? Where does the movement start, again? What is the difference doing it this way versus that way?” In the gym, I am absolutely still a student, though I have been an athlete since adolescence. I have passed the prerequisites of anatomy and physiology. I understand force, mass, and acceleration. And every session, there is still no shortage of new knowledge, experience, and practice to acquire. This is what brings me back so enthusiastically–the more I learn, the more confident I get, and the better I can perform. I make steady progress because my teachers are both knowledgeable and approachable, generous and creative with their instruction.
I wonder what/where/how I might be more willing to study if I had such teachers?
How lucky that throughout my life, I have benefited from so many amazing guides, mentors, and coaches.

In preparation for this post, I listed things at which I am expert, proficient, and novice. Obviously the novice list is longest–humbling and inviting! The proficiency list is gratifying, actually, as I can stand justifiably confident in a variety of diverse skill domains–yay! And when I’m honest, the expert list is remarkably short, which is as it should be.

So it makes me think: How wonderful to be a student of everything, including in my own areas of expertise! Medical knowledge has doubled at least twice since I started training 29 years ago, and that rate continues to accelerate. There is simply too much for any generalist to know, even though we still know a lot and continue to learn about everything. Every time I connect with a specialist colleague, I walk away or hang up smarter and a better doctor for my patients. Bless my colleagues, all!

When I describe my interest in leadership to people, I say that I ‘study’ it. To some, I may seem like an expert. And though I do consider myself advanced in my leadership education, I will always consider myself a student, because every leadership role is unique and fluid. I will never be in a position to not learn and improve. I value humility; when I see it in experts and leaders, I trust them more immediately and implicitly. That is the kind of leader I aspire to be. Learner-leaders cultivate other learner-leaders by example. What an excellent, virtuous cycle!

Student mindset is growth mindset, a beginner’s mind. Maintaining it helps me connect more easily with others with whom I may mutually teach and learn from in loving and organic, natural and synergistic reciprocity. It keeps me open and improves, hones my overlapping, intersecting skillsets. It deepens all of my life experiences, inviting contribution from anyone I meet, anything I do. Everything blooms in brighter, more vivid color and texture; every day holds infinite possibility!

I meet experts in multiple domains every day, and I wish I had time to pick all their brains. My morning pages and brain dumps help me process and integrate all of these encounters and more. So much to gain, so many people to meet and love, so much connection in the offing, oh my goodness, it’s just too good!

My wishes for you, dear readers:
May you meet experts who enrich your life by kindly sharing their wealth of knowledge.
May you stand ready to receive their offerings with openness and curiosity.
May you share your treasures of life experience with generosity and humility.
May all of these encounters nourish you, mind, soul, and being.
And may it all make us better for ourselves and one another.

Onward!