How have you maintained and nurtured your ties this year?
As the days get shorter and colder, I feel the annual personal regression set in. In 2020, this carries new and important implications. The busier I get, the more I value quiet and solitude. But my soul sings in connection—broad, frequent, and deep.
Since March I count at least six new, recurring engagements with friends and family, occurring over phone, Zoom, and snail mail. They have all held me up and calmed me down through tumult. And they all occurred organically—all of us seeking comfort, connection, and meaning through the chaos and morass. All signs point to these as my social and emotional beacons through the coming winter. What will your beacons be?
At work, this year has tested our teams. Even the most resilient ones have strained under the stress of complex and prolonged uncertainty. Though we returned to work in June, we are still not together like before. We’ve had to find new ways to stay connected, including weekly video calls and now the possibility of daily, one-song, video dance parties. I see more clearly now where I can connect more regularly one on one, and how individuals may need me to show up in different ways. I would have told you for many years now that I understand this concept; today I feel at least one step closer to living it for real.
Relationships are already hard. Cultivating and sustaining healthy ones in the midst of crisis, in an increasingly Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous (VUCA) world, takes extra attention and effort. I must constantly attune and retune.
Every encounter is an opportunity to try; it makes me better, and I’m grateful.
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it: People are suffering. Not everybody, but many, and many pretty badly. A prolonged global pandemic, unprecedented political polarization, escalating agitation for social justice—any one of these would be enough to push us over the edges of our sanity, and yet here we are, surviving all three and more.
I know it’s a challenging day when I’ve handled three phone calls before getting out of the car at work in the morning, and in the afternoon I think Hallelujah and give joyful thanks for one patient’s globally negative Review of Systems and another’s 95% oxygen saturation. But this is also the most fulfilling day. I did good work today.
Like most primary care doctors, my message volume has increased by about 30-50% in recent months. Complex questions and issues require time and patience to think and talk through. Many cannot be readily answered or solved, and the uncertainty calls out all of our anxieties and defenses, insecurities and grievances. Every patient experiences this historic moment in a unique and acute way. As the storm rolls over the neighborhood, I see it land on each doorstep, knowing what’s already in the house—how the furniture is arranged, what’s in the closets, maybe even the state of the foundation. I am allowed inside, invited to inspect and advise.
What an amazing privilege to be a physician in this moment, to witness, and to help. This is absolutely what I signed up for, what I’m called to, and what I trained for. I promise to do my best, and we will get through it together.
HOLY COW what a year, amIright? How are you? What was yesterday like? I know you wanted to sign up to work the polls, and decided to be at work with your team instead. Maybe they didn’t need you, but you thought it was right. What was the vibe, could you feel the pulse?
How have you observed people holding their own stuff together, and helping others do the same? How have you done this… and not? What do you need right now? What does the family need? And your teams? Friends? Leaders?
Today is your friend’s birthday, make sure you call her.
And maybe keep the calendar clear this weekend (except for that alphabet workout on Sunday, of course). Give yourself and the family time and space to breathe and settle down. There may not be an outcome for a while—it’s anybody’s guess at this point! It’s all so nuts. Whatever happens, we must find a way to recover and reconnect; this is imperative.
How will you conduct yourself in the coming months, regardless of the outcome?
Looking back, you have learned and matured much in the past 4 years—STRONG WORK, MAMA! Haha, finally, I get to say this to myself. 😉 Remember when you could not help but RAGE and YELL on Facebook, when you succumbed to impulsive ad hominem, then felt helpless and exhausted? The exhaustion feels different this time, no? It has more meaning, more purpose. Because you have done the inner work to show up as your better self. You have reflected, consulted, read, challenged, practiced, rejected, regulated, and engaged. You’ve also basked in the nourishing light and warmth of mentors and role models, showing you the value and fruits of magnanimity and grace.
You participated better this time. You wrote and mailed postcards. You phone banked to fellow Chinese Americans. You focused more on what you’re for than what you’re against. Most of all, you did your best to elevate conversations. You seek the Strong Middle, where people can have heartfelt, empathic, and often uncomfortable conversations, in service of connection. You compromised none of your core values, and held certain ones in front, like curiosity, kindness, respect, and generosity. Often such attitudes were not returned, from either ‘the opposition’ or ‘your own side’.
But you got enough to keep going, and now you’re stronger. And it’s all stoked the embers of positive change—the rock circle around your inner campfire enlarges. You’ve found friends who also seek connection across difference. Together you will create wider space and build a beautiful bonfire—visible from afar, inviting, welcoming, warming, and inspiring. There’s a knock you can no longer ignore; you are called to do more.
Let this letter serve as your ethos manifesto—a first draft, at least. When you feel frustrated and hopeless, when all you encounter tell you it’s a lost cause; when you feel attacked and diminished, and tempted to behave badly or give up, read this.
It’s an Infinite Game. The goal in an infinite game is not to ‘win’; it’s to stay in the game. Others may play to vanquish you, your cause, or one another. This will never happen—there will always be new players; the issues, conflicts, and polarities will never go away. Your job is to modify the game, to make it more humane for all players, while you advance your finite goals. The costs of playing should not outweigh the rewards as they do today. You know you can help rebalance, to give voice, strength, and power to those whose Why is connection. That is how you will leave the game better for having played.
Center. Ground. Focus. Engage. This mantra served you well for years. You know your own core values. Their roots run deep and strong; they hold you up; trust them. You know the truth of your message, no matter how it gets assailed. You also draw strength and light from your amazing friends. They will stand by you—and you them—you hold each other up high. Trust that, too.
No ad hominem. Your mantra for the past few years: Present. Open. Grounded. Kind. Loving. Smart. You can be strong and flexible—strong back, soft front, wild heart, as Joan Halifax and Brené Brown write. It serves no one for you to engage with negativity. Firmness, directness, and steadfastness, however, along with fairness, humility, and accountability, will get you far. Standing in these practices, I am confident you will regret less in the end.
One Day, One Moment, One Breath at a time. Everywhere you go, in every challenge, mindfulness emerges as a universal sustaining practice. You always have your breath. You can always use it, this quintessential polarity that teaches us about simplicity and infinity. Lean in to it. Draw in strength, respire peace.
