I’ gotta say, I kinda killed it at the gym yesterday. It’s because Jacob was coaching, and because it was the third week of the block and I had avoided death the prior two Saturdays–that does wonders for confidence! Band rotations, bike, rope waves (I hate ropes), butterfly sit ups, mountain climbers, rower and SkiErg–woohooooo!
Remember when I wrote about how much I love driving curvy roads in the mountains? It’s the challenge of hugging that perfect tangent, timing the brake and acceleration just right–such a thrill! I feel the same way about rowing and skiing at the gym. Every pull on the machine is a chance to train that movement just a little better. What proportion of rowing power comes from hip and knee extension versus lat pull? When during the stroke is best to extend the back, if at all? How much hinge and knee flexion is optimal on that ski? If I practice this well and I ever get on The Price Is Right, will I have an advantage spinning that big wheel? We train functional movements, after all!
It’s a practice in presence. When I focus on each pull of the rower or SkiErg, I’m almost one with the machine, flowing in real time, in fluid motion. It borders on meditative, honestly. Each pull, each session feels a little more fluid, a little more powerful, efficient, and rewarding. Where else can I apply this mindset? On the slackboard. For two months now I have set the goal of spending five minutes each work day balancing on a two inch wide nylon strap that spans the length of a skateboard-shaped wooden plank. I’m already good on both long and round boards and a Bosu, but this is a whole new challenge. The asymmetry between left and right, which I sense only somewhat doing single leg movements in the gym, amplifies exponentially on the slack line. But in fifteen minutes or less per week, in eight weeks, I have made noticeable improvements in both physical balance and mental focus.
What fantastic opportunities, these training modalities, to continue growing body, mind, and spirit at this age! My nest is about to empty. I have things yet to do and plenty of runway still to do them, if I attend to what matters:
5 Domains: Sleep, Exercise, Nutrition, Stress Management, and Relationships. 3 Fundamental Skills: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, and Effective Communication. 5 Attributes of physical, mental, emotional, and relational fitness: Stable, Strong, Flexible, Agile, and Resilient.
Life is crazy fun when we keep learning and growing, making new friends, finding love and connection around every corner.
Love multiplies when offered, received, reflected, and amplified. I experience it every day and never take it for granted. There are also areas where I could love better; every day is another chance to practice that, too.
Who knows how long we each have on this earth, really? Regardless, I still think of every life as having infinite possibilities–HA! I wrote that post on my birthday three years ago! We just never know what encounters will change our lives for the better, set us on a path of even deeper, brighter, tighter, and more inclusive love. Even through pain and struggle, there can always be light on the other side.
No longer stupid, yes… Maybe for a decade or so now? Not yet infirm, RAH! Not for many more years, if I can help it!
Make every pull, every encounter, every relationship, every expression, every breath count, my friends!
Bring What Ya Got. Wow, I wrote that one over ten years ago. I got the advice in 1987, and it’s just as relevant for me at 52 as it was at 14, maybe even more so, as what I’ ‘got’ right now is definitely not what I had then! OH that makes me laugh in so many different ways, it’s just too good.
Daughter and I hit the road tomorrow, friends. I’ gotta pack! I have an idea what I may write here next week, and it could all change multiple times between now and then–life! Onward in love, light, peace, and snacks!
Thank God for dear friends. Readers of this blog know my deep gratitude for Donna, who has lifted me out of funks now more times than I can count. Yesterday after a kickass (as in it kicked my ass) workout at Redefined Fitness and while inhaling our eggs and potatoes at Egg Harbor, she helped me work through my latest mental morass. ‘Breakthrough’ could be an understatement.
What are our inner voices? What do they tell us? What purpose do they serve? I quote some of mine: “I am fat. Other people must feel disgust when they look at me.” “I am awesome: loving, connected, attuned, smart, holistic, and integrative.” “I am not enough; must do more, be more, show more, lead more, leave more good behind.” “I have too many gifts to have been earned–must have been a martyr in a past life–thus I must give back and pay forward.” “I just love me.” “I have really fucked up _______ and ________, omg.”
So much paradox! And it’s not quite noise or cacophony, more like a dissonant symphony, full of musicians committed to playing together but just not always on the same page or in the same key? Not totally worked out that metaphor yet. But another one emerged suddenly and strongly, and the ideas below flowed as if out of a fire hose:
My Inner Voices each have a persona, and they sit in conference at the round table of my being. In the 16 hours after brunch with Donna, I have now identified eight of them and given them names. I have gotten still and closed my eyes, feeling their energy. I sense their posture and see their wardrobe. The image of their presence at the table, individually and collectively, reframes my attitude toward them all, and I am both surprised and not at all of it. I shake my head in utter appreciation of my friend, for seeing me, whole and unbroken, if a bit unbalanced. Turns out my Gallup strengths show up a lot in my Voices: Input, Maximizer, Positivity, Connectedness, Learner. Thank you, Donna, for your loving, honest, clear, and shining reflection of my self. I hope I do the same for you.
This will be long, my friends. It’s all for me–to document today so I may look back in the future and see where I was and how the path will have unfolded hence. I’m so excited. And I wonder how it may stimulate your own Counsel of Self?
The Body Shamer ENERGY: Low and negative. Fear, externally focused. Not calm, rather anxious. Low agency–fascinating! Not angry, but judgmental. Fearful of losing control, of irrevocable descent into fatness and all of the limitations thereof. POSTURE: Small. Hunched but staring, as if from a dark corner–dark in general, almost nauseated; pointing. WARDROBE: Darkly robed in rough, uncomfortable fabric. AT THE TABLE: Sitting upright. Protective, like parents: Here to keep things in order, to monitor and hold me to account.
The Creator ENERGY: BRIGHT, high. Pacing, bouncing, excited, eyes wide open–open open!!–grabby, loud, unconstrained, seeking, querying, integrating, exploring, inviting. POSTURE: Tall, wide, constantly in motion, gesturing enthusiastically. Leaning in close, tight, then expanding in victory pose. WARDROBE: Light fabrics, comfy, that move with her, sleeves pushed up. Flowy, light colored florals, maybe. Hair tied back neatly and practically, pretty. AT THE TABLE: A bit more regulated. Sitting upright, alert, looking and listening for opportunities to jump on and start new projects–attuned to integration openings. Encouraging to others at the table.
The Learner/Scholar ENERGY: Also bright, but much calmer than Creator. Studious. Curious. Slower, more cognitive, pulling on all files (well organized and deep) of past learning to apply to new information/knowledge. Serious yet open, smart, sharp, prides herself on seeing connections that others may miss. Confident and strong; powerful. POSTURE: Upright, usually sitting–pen in mouth, hands flying over keyboard, perusing images, graphs, abstracts, articles. WARDROBE: Work clothes. Well fitted and professional, bright tops and black bottoms, stylish but practical footwear. AT THE TABLE: Sits back, content and confident to have made contributions in advance. Knows that learnings are there to access–like proud elder ready to watch others apply. This one surprised me as it emerged.
The Driver ENERGY: Impatient, urgent, prodding; but also proud and encouraging–confident in me–knows my power and potential. Humming vibration of motivation, always in gear, never neutral. POSTURE: Crouching? Always in ready position–to push, to tow, to squat, to DRIVE. Tense, contracted, high muscle tone, not relaxed. WARDROBE: Workout clothes? Warm up suit like a coach? Or maybe Asian Grandma. AT THE TABLE: Sits next to Body Shamer? They are both there to motivate, to hold accountable; they hold standards (but whose?). Alert, worried that the rest of the voices will slack and derail? Feels proud and satisfied as long as the conference persists, the dialogue, activity, and motion continue.
The Connector/Lover ENERGY: LOVING. Open, kissy, huggy, sticky, curious, wants to know everybody deeply. Forceful with light and power, like Creator but directed at individual people rather than ideas and projects. The human origin of the happy/excited emoji string. Mantra is, “This person has something great to offer and I will find and amplify it!” POSTURE: In. your. face, grinning. Bouncy high energy like Creator; standing, jumping, hugging, gesturing, and with wildly expressive facial expressions. WARDROBE: Comfy clothes–oversized fleece, cardigans, big sleeves, black leggings. Envelop-you-and-me clothes, to cuddle and cradle coffee mugs together. Soft colors, fluffy socks, stuffies and plushies close by. AT THE TABLE: SMILING. Bouncing to tell the story about the last amazing conversation and turn to Learner and Creator to see how to incorporate/integrate it with existing files about humanity and relationships, eagerly awaiting the ‘next assignment’ or opportunity to meet someone new. Giddiness barely contained.
The Carer ENERGY: Serene. Calm. Not quite solemn but much better regulated than Creator and Connector. Adjacent to Learner? Work Cathy = Learner + Carer. Attentive, intent on listening, hearing, sensing, attuning. Open, welcoming, nonjudgmental. Empathic, not just empathetic. Like Connector but more focused and aimed deeper. POSTURE: Leaning in, steady, high eye contact, but not invasive. Slow, close, sitting; not fidgety. WARDROBE: Lunch clothes–between gym and work. Dressy yoga pants, comfy and flattering top, whatever allows for attention to be all on the other person. AT THE TABLE: Calm like Learner, present and not that loud. Not that much to say; presence is known, felt, counted on. Learner and Carer chair the committee most of the time, I think.
The Crusader/Campaigner (ENFP of 16 Personalities) ENERGY: HIGH. In motion, driving forward with purpose. Holds the ‘Our Relationships Save Us’ banner high and marches in front. Steady, no matter where she walks her presence is felt and known, encouraging and motivating–the cheerLEADER. POSTURE: A little like Driver, crouching to rise up in conduction of the stadium wave, pacing the sidelines, pep talking and, of course, gesturing. WARDROBE: Sporty, versatile, can be dressed up or down to go from work to give a talk to casual social event. Stretchy, bright fabrics, chunky heeled Dansko Mary Janes for marching in practical comfort and style. AT THE TABLE: Like Creator looking for signs/opportunities to move the group, to integrate all voices in the direction of the Why and our Just Cause: to elevate all relationships we touch. Sees herself as the reminder of mission; operates the Bat Signal.
The Cynic ENERGY: Male. Holding back, untrusting; a resistance. Sticky on the floor, high friction. Reserved, hesitant, almost disengaged–inhibited. Opposite energy of Connector and Creator. Narrow, cautious, not native to the group. Not unwelcome but not allowed to lead. POSTURE: Quiet, upright but not forceful; alert and attentive, respectful. Listening for risk, ready to soothe and validate when other voices get despondent about connection thwarted or need a moment to vent and swear about how ‘people suck.’ Knows seat at table is guaranteed, valued, and purposeful; knows when to speak and not. WARDROBE: Not mine. White button down dress shirt and gray trousers. Never changes, no color, bland. AT THE TABLE: Straight and stiff, non-effusive. Quiet, but not afraid to speak; knows that his voice will be treated critically, not dismissed but heavily scrutinized. He can be humorous–the cutting, sarcastic, fatalistic variety. May have an alter ego who shows up as East Asian Woman Comedian?
The Committee/Counselors ENERGY: Respectful, purposeful, collegial, all in the metaphorical boat, rowing in the same direction, their backs fully in it, no question. Each voice holds its own space, self-regulating and interacting calmly, offering others the curiosity and openness that is my ethos. AGENDA: Whatever occupies my consciousness at the time; one or more of the voices may be agitated and even in conflict. They come to the table ready to negotiate in good faith, assuming the best of one another, always on the same team. Ambivalent advocacy is okay; adversarial is not. GOALS, METRICS, OUTCOMES: Align, Assign, Act, Assess, Repeat. Hey, A5R! 😀
Newly convened, I now get to decide how often my Inner Voice Committee/Counsel of Self will gather and commune hereafter. This could be awesome.
“How did you get to be so kind, generous, compassionate, empathetic, self-aware, thoughtful, and creative?”
I asked this of someone I admire recently, and then considered all the other people I know and admire to whom I’d ask the same thing. Knowing what I know about their lives, here is my story.
We emit and express these qualities from at least two origins:
First, we have felt them from other people. We were open to and received kindness, compassion, empathy, thoughtfulness–love, basically–from fellow humans. It was role modeled to us. Second, we experienced challenges, struggles, and pain that taught us the value and importance of having this love in our lives. As I think more, these experiences–feeling loved and supported in times of crisis and pain–integrate to make us stronger and more resilient, more grounded in ourselves and open to relationship with others. This is the essence of Healing Through Connection.
Consider the folks you know who exude these qualities. I bet you could easily describe them as Strong and Soft, vulnerable and courageous, with a depth, mass, and volume that can hold space and tolerance for a wide and divergent field of ideas and experiences, even and especially conflicting and paradoxical ones. They are the ones we seek when we long to feel this wideness, this grace.
Then I think about how the opposite happens: When in times of existential crisis and pain we feel isolated, unperceiving of love and support. Just thinking about it evokes a deep sadness, an instant recognition of profound loneliness that seeks immediate relief. What is this dynamic? How does it happen that someone faces pain and struggle truly alone and devoid of kindness, empathy, compassion, and grace–of any connection–shown to them? I know it happens, and I am likely guilty of ignoring or simply being oblivious to other’s struggles as I go about my own busy life.
So when I come across someone who exudes the opposite of kindness, empathy, compassion, generosity, openness, and grace, what story do I tell about that? How does my story, told subconsciously and automatically, then affect and even dictate how I show up to that person? How might I modify and optimize my default story to then raise the likelihood that I will interact with this person in a way that connects and heals?
We’re living in tumultuous and fraught times, friends. The stories we tell about one another, the presence or absence of love in our daily encounters, matter more now than ever. Look around you for the role models. See how they move through life with ease and joy, resilience and hope, optimism despite everything. Observe them, query them, emulate them. Feel the rewards of connection with them, and amplify that.
It’s never too late, and no action is ever too little, to Heal Through Connection.
Healing Through Connection 