What Counts?

Tainan, Taiwan

On January 15 this year I posted about a new habit I had committed to establishing:

1. Upon waking, get sunlight for at least several minutes before getting on any screen
2. Delay caffeine intake for at least 45 minutes after waking

I also committed to writing Morning Pages (3 pages, long hand, stream of consciousness journaling) in those first 15-30 minutes, which was actually the primary goal. The point of the practice is to unlock clarity and creativity in those first minutes of waking, when the door between conscious and subconscious awareness and insight is more open than at other times of day. Today was Day 310 total (I miss a few days a month, on average). But it was delayed, so did it count?

I do three high intensity workouts at Ethos every week. It gets harder to motivate to do things at home anymore, and yesterday I felt sheepishly happy to Iog 20 minutes of moderate effort on the elliptical. That counts as exercise, in my opinion. But what if I had only walked to the grocery store and back (which I also did)? What intensity and duration justifies that green dot on my habit tracker?

What counts as meditation, prayer, or ‘low carb’?

Why does it matter?

How many times a day do we encounter one recommendation or another for how many steps we should take, how much protein to eat, what school of meditation is best, what sleep routines to adopt, and how many people we need in our inner circle? If we wanted to follow all of the ‘experts” advice for health, just reading the recommendations and attempting to execute would be a full time job.

Of course I get to decide what counts as Morning Pages or exercise or not, because I am only accountable to myself for the habits and behaviors that uphold my own health. In the end it’s about goals, trade-offs, and results. Why do I do these things? What am I trying to accomplish? What am I willing and not willing to do for the desired outcomes?

What works for me, regardless of what ‘experts’ say and ‘studies show’?

Morning pages make my day better whether I have looked out the window or at my phone beforehand, though the insights may come a bit easier with the former, because I always spend more time on the phone than I intend. But it still usually takes at least a page and a half before novel ideas and epiphanies emerge. Regardless, I feel calmer and centered having journaled at all before the day starts in earnest.

Moving in any way for any amount of time benefits both mind and body, and I can both feel and see consequences of variations in frequency, duration, and intensity over days, weeks, and months. If I move above and beyond activities of daily living and work, then I count it, track it, and review over time to correlate with how I feel.

I see people getting fixated on ‘what counts’. Our culture of metrics, trackers, comparison, and competition foster this tendency toward obsessiveness. It’s too easy today to lose the forest for the trees, and much too easy to forget that the complex global ecosystem of a whole person’s health is synergistic in multiple simultaneous dimensions rather than simple or linear in any way. Whenever we hear anyone say, ‘just do (xxx), and it will fix (some global problem that nobody has yet to solve because there is simply no one right solution),’ we should approach with high skepticism and alert critical thinking.

If it aligns with my commitments and gives me a sense of progress toward my goals, then I say it counts. Tracking helps me see patterns, intersections, and correlates. It makes me more self-aware in real time, holds me accountable, and gives me a little dopamine hit with each green dot logged. Counting can be its own reward.

In the end, however, it’s the being and the doing that matter. So count it or not, I get to choose. The rewards of action and results outweigh those of counting. I think it’s good once in a while to consider more deeply the basic questions like, “What counts?” It keeps me honest.

Holding Rest

*sigh*

Son home from college. Clinic notes finished for the week. All work messages answered and results reported as of leaving the office tonight. Grocery shopping completed, food prep planned, execution begun.

*sigh*

It’s been a dense month, no? Thank you so much to those who have read along these four weeks–four days to go! 28 daily posts down, the most ambitious and unguarded theme since 2021… I have walked the talk of honesty, vulnerability, and openness, among other things; I’m proud of the effort. The output itself gratifies me, too: In both process and product, I think this could be my best writing yet. Whether or not Book ever gets published, I already have a body of work–659 posts. It’s a substantial volume of original and consistent content that I own–all me, all in, BOOBS OUT.

I still have tasks to accomplish this long weekend, and they will get done. But I want to slow the frenetic pace these last four days of the month, breathe more deeply, be more still. I will bake, watch movies, sit on the sofa. I will write, of course, and it will be that much sweeter with a longer stretch of time each day. I feel muscles loosen even as I imagine it now.

Holidays in general and gatherings in particular can feel chaotic and intese. It all lands on each of us differently. I hope for us all, however we feel about any of it, to find at least some moments of rest and comfort here at the end of the year, and this weekend in particular. Space, time, and breath: May we find that languid expanse that signals relaxation, that neurophysiologic response that drops us to center, as close to contentment and serenity as we can get, even if only for a little while.

*sigh*

Wherever we are, whomever we’re with, whatever is happening around us, may we have the wherewithal to effectively self-soothe. Sometimes it really only takes one deep, slow breath.

I Hold Rest for Us All. We need it. May we seek and secure it reliably.
Reset. Recharge. Ready.
We have much work ahead.

Holding What Helps

Checking in, friends. How are we doing? *sigh*

I know some of us are still distraught, distressed, and reeling. I sit with you in spirit and hold space for your anguish–I share in some of it, for sure.
Some of us don’t understand the distress, can’t feel with it. I sit with you also because I know you; I know you don’t want anybody to suffer, especially from fear of what has not yet happened (and which you sincerely believe will not happen). I ask you to hold space with me for my friends who suffer now. Because that is the human and humane thing to do.

These three days I have had meaningful and at times challenging conversations with
my Red friend in Indiana
my Blue friend in Chicago
my Red friend in North Carolina
my Blue friend from Chicago who spent time in Indiana this weekend
my Blue Braver Angels friends in Colorado and Illinois
my Blue Dot in the Red sea of Texas friend
my Blue friend in Oregon

I list them now to remind myself that this is what holds me up–connecting to my people. It was hard at times. There were tears and a range of emotions. I realize now that I’m distressed and hijacked most by judgment and lack of empathy. This awareness helps me self-regulate. I know I’m escalating when I stop asking questions, so when I notice this next, I can take a breath, reset, and decide on the next action.

I have a mediator’s heart and mind–I’m a boundary spanner, as a loving teacher once observed. I see, understand, and empathize with both sides of most conflicts, if I’m close enough. People in discord with each other often seek me for an ear and a think. I don’t tell them what to do. I ask about emotions, physical sensations, assumptions, attitudes, words, postures, goals, and trade-offs. What a privilege and an honor to be so trusted–and how reinforcing of my own tendency and reward.

Blue Dot friend reminded me tonight that mediation is not what most people in our national political conflict want. I see us as living in a toxic collective marriage with no exit by separation or divorce. Today feels like that quiet period after a big fight: The yelling has stopped, though emotions remain intense and raw. Exhaustion has set in, and self-righteousness still burns. Nobody wants to apologize or reconcile, defensiveness crouches at the ready, and the despondence of perpetual hostility seeps ever deeper. For me to stand waving the flag of bridging across division in front of certain people right now would be insensitive at best, exacerbating at worst. “Here, let me be the bumper between two oncoming bullet trains,” my friend analogized years ago when I told him I agreed to mediate an unresolvable conflict. I want to help, and my help does not apply in all places with all people. So my awareness must include the spaces and times when the work I feel called to do is not welcome or relevant. I can accept this, because the work is still useful in enough spaces for me to make a meaningful contribution. I’m confident I can find and enter them.

So, what helps? Sleep. Exercise. Nourishing food. Breath work, journaling, music, beauty. Cultivating connection. Self-awareness. Self-regulation. Effective communication. Humility. Curiosity. Kindness. Generosity. Empathy. Compassion. Hewing to my core values and my Why.

Most things will happen without my control or influence. And I am not a victim. I have agency in my response and how I show up for myself and others. This is how I help.

I Hold What Helps for Us. Whatever you need for comfort, calm, connection, and hope, whatever Helps you if you’re in distress, and whatever Helps you Help others in their distress, I Hold it all, for Us All.

Onward in our shared humanity, my friends.

The Coping Wheel from SEL Power Pack (I have no interests in their business)