#AtoZChallenge: Cursing, Curiosity, and Connection

Welcome to my first attempt at the Blogging A to Z Challenge!  26 posts starting April 1, one for each letter of the alphabet (I get Sundays off).  I’m exploring meaningful words to apply to perceptions, attitudes, behaviors, and relationships. It’s a personal journey, part of my mission of self-assessment and development through writing.  Thank you for stopping by, and please feel free to comment! 🙂

 

Sometimes we get angry, and we need an outlet. But often we need to suppress, get through the situation with grace and smiles.  Sometimes the need for professionalism and control can turn into chronic repression, which can then lead to sudden and violent explosions, often on those we love most.  Psychology tells us that children (and adults, as well) do this because it’s safest to lose it among those who truly love us, and we know this subconsciously.  But the scars left on these relationships can be disfiguring.  It’s dysfunctional, and there is a solution:  Curse It All.

A colleague in mind-body medicine told me once that he recommended to his patients to tantrum. I was incredulous at first, but then I saw the light.  Venting, done appropriately, can be cathartic and liberating.  One day I became abruptly livid, I won’t tell you why, but suffice it to say it was over something small, that represented a chronic dysfunctional pattern in a longstanding relationship (Cryptic is also a word for this post!).  It occurred to me that this was the perfect opportunity to try the tantrum method.  I was home by myself, and I share no walls with my neighbors.  I took a pair of jeans, held them by the cuffs, and proceeded to pummel at the bed, all the while screaming expletives at the top of my lungs, stomping, and flailing wildly.  It took maybe 45 seconds, tops.  Afterward I felt a new calm, a lightness that had seemed impossible just minutes before.

Cursing, or swearing, has some interesting benefits. It can increase pain tolerance, strengthen bonds of solidarity, and help us convey conviction and passion.  So I endorse it, as long as we use these words strategically.  A follow up experiment to the pain tolerance study found that daily swearers, people habituated to the practice, had less analgesic benefit compared to occasional swearers.  We now also have access to adult coloring books, giving us a visual route to unload intense emotions.

sh-t storm coloring book cover

image from Google

But then there is more work to do. Sometimes it’s enough just to have vented, but I think we serve ourselves best when we can take some time and energy to evaluate.  The first step here is to get Curious.  I first learned this from my life coach.  In conflict, it’s so easy to only see our own point of view.  Emotional hijacking causes tunnel vision.  So once the emotions have dissipated by way of swearing and chopping bed with jeans, we can once again see and think clearly.  Curiosity asks open-ended questions:  What just happened here?  How did I get to this place?  Why do I fly off the handle like this whenever (fill in the blank)?  Advanced curiosity is where assumptions can also be challenged:  What story am I telling about the other person that causes me to react this way?  What other story can I tell that would help us both suffer less and get to mutual understanding?  These are well-established techniques in coaching and psychology.  I refer you to Rising Strong, Brené Brown’s newest book, in which she describes the process of using curiosity as the springboard for healing from adversity and living ‘wholeheartedly.’

 

Why is this important? Because humans live to be connected.  Anger can be blinding.  It arises first and so intensely when we have other, more distressing feelings underlying, such as sadness, shame, rejection, and guilt.  Anger serves to protect us from the pain of those emotions, and also keeps us from moving through them, healing them.  The repression-explosion cycle costs us energy and connection (to self and others), and ultimately keeps us from living truly, freely, joyful lives.  Cursing decompresses emotions, allowing us to open the door to relationships with curiosity.  Then, when we uncover the answers to the open-ended questions, we can start to reconnect with what we love about our partners, our children, our friends, our colleagues, and ourselves.

So go ahead, detonate those strategic f-bombs!  Find the padded space to rail and flail.  Then savor the possibilities of newfound clarity of mind and heart.  How much better could it get?  We never know, but it could be spectacular.

So You Want to Lose Weight: The Four A’s of Goal Setting

“I need to lose 20 pounds,” says Peter. “All of my doctors have told me this.”  His blood sugar, blood pressure, and cholesterol are all elevated again, this time while still on medication for the latter two.  Diabetes, hypertension, and stroke all run in Peter’s family, and at age 57, he wonders which will get him first.  He knows he’s overweight.  He feels fat, stiff, sluggish, and old—as if someone wound his body clock ahead twenty years without asking.  He really doesn’t want to add any more medication.  I know exactly what his doctors think:  ‘Then you have a lot of work to do!’  We know he did not get here overnight.  His weight is the cumulative result of years of dysfunctional patterns:  Indiscriminate eating, sleep deprivation, and disproportionately high work stress, among others.  Aberrations in glucose, blood pressure, and cholesterol all increased with weight, parallel outcomes of longstanding habits.  We doctors all know this, but it takes too long to talk to patients in detail about nutrition, sleep, stress, and physical activity (or so we think).  We assume they know what to do when we say, “Lose 20 pounds.”  But is this really helpful?  How else can we help our patients move toward their healthier selves?

We set weight loss goals all the time, all of us—physicians included. We choose a number on the scale—an outcome—that represents our better selves, however we see it.  I suggest today that behavior-oriented goals, rather than outcomes-oriented ones, lead to far greater and more meaningful success.  How much are we really in control of what we weigh, day to day?  Sleep deprivation and dehydration disrupt regulatory mechanisms of hunger and satiety. Stress alters metabolism in myriad ways, not to mention often causing more sleep deprivation—a dangerous downward spiral. Knowing this, and recognizing the pressures and stressors we all face every day, how could we physicians make our advice a little more relevant?  I present to you my Four A’s of Goal Setting:

 

1. Assess-ability

“I want to lose 20 pounds by April 15.”

A weight loss goal cannot be fully assessed until the designated endpoint—it is a lagging indicator.  I get no feedback on my progress until I arrive, and then it’s too late to do anything about the result.  Even if I weigh myself in the interim, how do I interpret the information?  A couple days of constipation and a few salty meals can spike my heft in alarming ways on any given morning.  I feel bad about myself when my weight goes up; I’m happy if it’s coming down.  But I’m not exactly sure what’s happening—I cannot accurately assess the situation.

Alternatively:  “I need to exercise 3 times a week, starting on Sundays.” And, I get to define what “exercise” means:  Walk an extra 1000 steps, do two circuits of the 7 Minute Workout, spend 20 minutes on the elliptical, or whatever!  This goal can be easily assessed instantly, anywhere, anytime.  It’s Thursday morning.  Have I worked out three times this week?  How many days of the week are left to achieve this goal?  Which days will I most likely be able to do this?  Now I can make a clear and concrete plan.

Mark, like Peter, is overweight, sedentary, and motivated to make some changes. He has recently started walking one mile, 3 days per week.  He also wants to change his eating, but doesn’t know where to start.  I suggest logging his food with an app such as My Fitness Pal (I have no financial or other interests in their business or in 7 Minute Workout).  He inputs his weight, height, and overall activity level, newly elevated to “lightly active.” He also enters his weight goal: lose 0.5 pound per week.  The program calculates his daily calorie goal, and each time he logs a meal, he can see exactly where he stands.  The app helps him keep track of progress, objectively, in both the short and long term.  Science tells us that feedback—the more frequent and specific, the better—boosts and maintains motivation.  The more easily Mark can assess his status toward achieving his goal (staying within his daily calorie limit), the more likely he will stay the course.

 

2. Actionability

Outcome goals do not elicit action.  “Lose weight.”  This statement is too vague—it cannot be acted upon. It doesn’t tell me what I need to do.  Furthermore, once I have ‘lost weight,’ what do I do then?  How did I get here, and how do I continue?  “Maintain the weight loss.”  How?  Focusing our gaze on the distant endpoint often leads to meandering, or worse, standing still.  I do not suggest ignoring the outcome or invalidating it, but rather paying attention to the practices that will get us there, rather than just talking about being there already.  Setting goals as actions or behaviors—doing specific things—lays out the steps to take toward a desire outcome.  Action leads to self-efficacy and empowerment.

Peter asks himself, ‘What needs to happen in order for me to lose 20 pounds?’ He makes this list:

  • Limit fast food to once a week. Assess-ability check: It’s Friday morning. Have I already had McDonald’s this week? Yes? Salad bar it is. No? Ooo, opportunity: Maybe I can resist today and tomorrow and exceed my goal! Empowerment city, here I come!
  • Move more. Assess-ability check: Have I moved more this week? Ummmm…How do I know? Revision: Get on the treadmill for 45 minutes, four times a week. Check.
  • Get to bed by 10pm every night. Assess-ability checks out here, too.

 

3. Attainability

Are Peter’s goals realistic? How likely is he to accomplish these three behaviors?  He and his doctors all feel a sense of urgency to get control of his situation.  Society also has a way of pressuring us to go ‘all in.’  Like if we’re not all in the gym 5 times a week for an hour of intense cardio and free weights, we’re just not doing enough, so why bother?  All of these factors can push us to set lofty, unattainable goals, thereby setting ourselves up to fail.

Peter, an older single dad, works 12 hour days. He prioritizes his three daughters, who often need help with homework and want to talk at night.  Looking over his action-oriented goals list again, a few adjustments become necessary:  Change treadmill to twice a week, for 20 minutes.  When it comes to exercise, anything is better than nothing!  He had not noticed the anxiety lurking in his chest as soon as he had said “45 minutes, four times a week.”  Now he feels relief and enthusiasm, rather than dread.  He also realizes that as busy season at work approaches, late nights will be inevitable. Getting to bed by 11:00pm at least on weekends, and maybe one more night a week, is more realistic.

These revised targets are what Daniel Pink might call “Goldilocks” goals.  Not too easy, not too hard.  Peter will have to stretch some weeks to achieve them.  But they lie within reach, if just barely.  Regular successes will strengthen the new routines and keep him motivated.  Over time, as he feels more effective, he may set progressively demanding behaviors to aim for.  Iterative victories will move him ever closer to his desired outcome.

 

4. Accountability

This one makes sense, right? What good is having an assess-able goal if you don’t bother to assess it?  I think this has to do with maintaining our intrinsic motivation.  If I have successfully set up my goal with the three characteristics above—if it’s specific, within reach, and easily appraised —then of course I want to know how I’m doing!  This can be done as simply as marking an X on a calendar, as Jerry Seinfeld suggests.  In the photo on this post, you can see my officemates and me doing the same thing.  We can choose accountability only to self, such as on My Fitness Pal, and also to others.  This is why Weight Watchers helps a lot of people—knowing we have to show up and weigh in keeps us honest and on track.  I feel obligated here to point out that accountability does not include shame in any form.  Dictionary.com defines accountable as “subject to the obligation to report, explain, or justify something; responsible; answerable.” Whatever method we choose to report, if it undermines self-esteem or motivation, we need to replace it.

What’s it all for?

Finally, let me address the foundation of the Four A’s: Meaning.  Despite repeated messaging from his doctors, Peter still found it hard to make lasting changes in his habits.  Even the specter of impending disease and disability could not move him to act, despite the rationale that he fully understood in his mind.  But going through the 4 A’s exercise, he realizes that 20 pounds—weight itself—is not the goal.  It’s merely the most tangible representation of his healthier self.  The true “Why” for the weight loss lies far deeper:  To model healthy habits for his girls; to stay active and travel after retirement; to finally take better control of his life.  The closer we can link behavior change to something meaningful and intrinsically motivating, the higher our chances of persistence and success.  For much more riveting descriptions of this concept, I refer you to Start with Why Simon Sinek and Drive by Daniel Pink.

Physicians face multiple demands on our attention. In a fifteen minute clinic visit, how can we more effectively help patients achieve meaningful behavior change?  I am a huge fan of motivational interviewing, and I think the 4 A’s align with this method.  Once a patient reaches the goal-setting stage of change, we can ask the following questions to hone the process and hopefully increase their chances for success:

  1. Can I easily and accurately assess my status in achieving this goal?
  2. Is the goal stated as an action that will move me toward my desired outcome?
  3. How likely will I actually attain the action goal—is it really within reach?
  4. What is the most effective way to keep me accountable for my progress (or lack thereof)?

Thank you for reading to the end, friends, I know this was long. I’ve been thinking through and talking to patients about these ideas for a while now, and applying them to my own health behaviors.  We all struggle with the same challenges.  Our increasingly hectic lifestyles make self-care harder.  As a physician, I will take any opportunity to help refine my patients’ goals and smooth the way to healthier habits.  The ultimate goal is to help them live their best lives, on their own terms.

I Am Edna Mode.

Okay, maybe not, but she is my hero! If you have never seen Disney/Pixar’s “The Incredibles,” I highly recommend it.  I was 31 years old, with a one year-old and a new job, when the movie came out in 2004.  I remember admiring Edna Mode, the half-Japanese, half-German designer of costumes to the superheroes of her day.  “Ultra-diminutive” in stature, as Disney describes her, yet towering in confidence and disdain for whining.  ‘I want to be like her,’ I thought.

11 years, two kids, three jobs and a fair bit of experience later, I dare assert a likeness to EMode that makes me proud. The parallels to physician work here may seem a bit far-fetched, but I invite you to suspend disbelief and allow me to explain:

Bob Parr, aka Mr. Incredible, seeks his old friend E for a ‘patch job.’ He needs his torn supersuit repaired so he can use it doing covert hero work behind his wife’s back.  Edna, ever forward thinking, proclaims that he cannot be seen in this ‘hobo suit.’  “But… you designed it,” he protests.  She retorts, “I never look back, dahling, it distracts from the now.”  She vows to make him a new suit—“bold, dramatic, HEROIC!”

You are an old patient of mine, and you haven’t seen me recently. But we have history.  We’ve been through some things together.  Now you want to take on a new project.  Exercise more, eat better, lose weight, manage your stress.  It’s nothing we haven’t discussed before, but now you have new motivation, you’re inspired.  I sense the resolve in you, and it inspires me, too.  Over the years I have continued to study my craft, integrating tradition with innovation.  Now you invite me to apply it all in the name of making you better, and I leap at the chance!

Bob anticipates the swank style of the suit—the cape, the boots–“No capes!” E exclaims. She proceeds to enumerate the multitude of superheroes thoroughly done in by their capes:  Thunderhead, caught on a missile fin.  Stratogale, sucked into a jet turbine.  Dynaguy, snag on take-off.  There is no arguing with the evidence.  No. Capes.

Safety first! I am open to a lot of things—we creatives often are, after all.  New trendy diet?  Sure, I’ll take a look.  Internet device that will help you lose 50 pounds in a week?  It’s your money.  I can withhold judgment long enough to review the data and, when appropriate, stand back while you try different things.  But I have my limits, and I will tell you straight.  I will be clear about my rationale, and give examples when possible.  This honesty and boundary setting helps you trust both my openness and my expertise.  We can proceed together because you know I am always discerning what is okay and not okay.

Bob’s wife, Helen, is also a retired superhero. She breaks down when she realizes Bob has deceived her.  She dissolves into tears, lamenting to Edna that she let it happen, that she is losing him.  Edna (recall disdain for whining): “What are you talking about?  You are ELASTIGIRL!  My God, (thumping Helen on the head with a rolled up newspaper) pull-yourself-together!  ‘What will you do,’ is this a question?  YouwillshowhimyourememberthatheisMr.Incredible, and you will REMIND him, who YOU are.  …You know where he is.  GO.  Confront the problem.  Fight!  WIN!  …And call me when you get back, dahling, I enjoy our visits.”

ednamode-gofightwin

So there will never be newspaper thumping in my office…most likely. This scene is known as Edna’s Pep Talk, and I do a lot of that!  We all forget our strengths sometimes. We are allowed to crumple, temporarily, under sudden severe stress.  I am here to remind you what you are capable of, to restore your confidence.  Clearly, Edna trained in the School of Tough Love.  Fortunately for you, I have also studied empathy, compassion, and motivational interviewing.  I can help you persist.  I have patience for your journey.  I can be your pillar of consistency.  Edna is nothing if not consistent!

Five foot-two, straight black hair, glasses.  Expressive.  Self-confident.  Loyal.  Yes, I am Edna Mode.

For your viewing enjoyment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IatFRC06ROg

[Second photo found at https://www.google.com/search?q=edna+mode&biw=1239&bih=562&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjlkKqW_YfLAhVIGB4KHSp5B54Q_AUIBigB#tbm=isch&q=edna+mode+go+fight+win&imgrc=mc8H4XBEvmJRCM%3A%5D