Category Archives: Inspiration

The Quadsection of Life Epiphany

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Chojun Textile & Quilt Art Museum, Seoul, Korea

FRIENDS! Don’t you just LOVE when you have a fun new idea that helps you think of life and humans more clearly?

This quadsection idea came to me completely fluidly and wholly about two or three weeks ago, a natural confluence and consequence of everything I have studied and learned in life to date. SO gratifying, I say! And as I share with friends and patients, It’s mostly validated so far. Now I look forward to seeing how it evolves in application and practice hereafter.
OK so:

We can frame life as an intersection of four things:

  1. DNA: Our inherited genetic predispositions. We can know much of these tendencies intuitively, and now objectively with advancing genetic testing. This influences possibly everything, but only in rare cases truly determines anything.
  2. Personal history: Our lived experience to date, including family of origin, culture, time in history, past traumas, world events in our lifetime, and all of our choices, actions, relationships–everything!
  3. The current moment: Environment, circumstances, mindset–down to this second or heartbeat, infinitely dynamic and fluid. This is the confluence of a multitude of factors; wow, it just occurred to me right now that this moment itself could be the multiverse convergence, no? Our perceptions and thus thoughts, feelings, words, and actions are formed in real time, in this moment, and depend, arguably, on the other three things.
  4. The innate human need for safety, security, connection, and belonging: In the end, what else do we live for?

What fascinates me about this framework is that we have no control over any but the second of the four–our own lived experience. We create it. And even then, all we have is agency, not actual control. In any given moment, depending on my mindset, physical state, and external circumstances, I have free will and choice, and yet much of my perception, response/reaction/action will be determined in advance by bias, pattern recognition (accurate or not), and automatic reflex before intentional cognition. And all of my past actions were the same–somewhat volitional, much not.

Additionally, each of us brings both totally unique and shared human experience to any given moment. Isn’t it a wonder, then, that we can actually agree on so much, and doesn’t this also explain how our experiences can and should be so wildly divergent?

If we accept this premise/framework, just for a moment, what do we then do with it? On one hand I can imagine responding with a victim mindset–seeing how little I actually control among these four determinants of life, I think of myself as simply an object of my genes, everything that has happened to me in life, and anything that will happen hereafter. I become passive and disengaged. On the other hand, also seeing how little I control, I exert disproportionate energy to achieve that control in those few domains. Personally, I land in the space of acceptance and agency (somewhere along this spectrum, no?): Recognize what I do not and cannot control, where I can act with influence toward my goals, in service of and in integrity with my values, and seek and/or create opportunities to maximize that agency and advance those goals.

Very soon after the framework occurred to me, I felt something akin to relief and elation. It was an epiphany, really. I had found the relationship between these four things–they intersect. So are they best drawn as lines? Vectors? Or could they be better represented by a Venn diagram? No, not Venn, because that would imply that some parts of life do not include one or more of the four aspects… But then again, is that true?

I still like the image/idea of intersection, but we could define the intersecting parts differently–ropes of variable size and thickness? Rope intersecting with light, with sound waves, and then with quantum energy? I imagine the intersection itself as dynamic, existing with an energy of itself, pulling on any of the four aspects more or less heavily in any given situation. We can intuitively imagine that genetics or past trauma may be more or less salient at this moment, in this enviornment, than in another. This ‘intersection’ is always at play, shifting and emerging in real time, influenced by infinite factors that still fall neatly into the four categories (or not?), creating our lives with each breath, each heartbeat, each quantum packet of spacetime. It’s a four dimensional configuration–I have no true understanding of relativity, but something like that image of the flexible spacetime grid fabric with indentations and protrusions comes to mind. Maybe a physicist reading this can confirm and/or refute the applicability of this image to my theory? Like I said, FUN!

So how does this all land on you, dear reader? Does it pique your interest in the slightest? Thank you for reading, as always. I have now documented my nascent idea, and if it grows into anything more interesting or significant, I can look back and see where and when it started.

Crowns Trilogy: The Most Meaningful Fiction of My Life Yet

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What stories do you consume repeatedly? What drives this?

I have alluded to the Crowns Trilogy by Nicola Tyche a few times since I first listened back in November. Tonight I’m five hours away from finishing my fifth binge of the entire series since then. How fascinating!

Regular and long time readers of this blog will recognize other books with this kind of record in my history, such as The Art of Possibility and Start With Why. Recently the novels Beastly Beauty and Never the Roses have left deep impressions on me. The thread tying them all together, of course, is the centrality of relationship and integrity to oneself and one’s core values, and how this then shapes our connections to others. That theme certainly persists in Crowns, but its impact feels deeper, more acute, and I could not fully articulate why until these past weeks. Many thanks to my dear friends who have helped me put it into these early coherent words. I had already identified that it was the utter accuracy and completeness of the story’s depiction of humanity–its tender, messy, violent, complex, and paradoxical nature, that strikes me. But all good fiction does that. What is it about Crowns that hooks me so deeply?

First Sharon asked me, after hearing me gush about the writing, to describe specifically what I love about it. First, active verbs, hallelujah! Then the dialogue, the banter, the clever and subtle humor. Then the performances. Katherine Kennard, Connor Brannigan, and Zach Lazar Hoffman voice all of the characters with both technical precision and emotional depth. I imagine the writing made it easy for them to embody the characters, because the words are evocative. Fear, anger, devotion, anguish, loyalty, conviction, ambivalence, and, of course love–the characters’ conveyence of all these emotions and more spring from each chapter right into my amygdala, sparking it in ways I may have never experienced before from a book.

Phara first introduced this series to me, and I shared widely and immediately. Donna and Anna both loved it and we finally gathered to discuss last Thursday. For two hours we professed our admiration for Norah, the strong back, soft front heroine and our love for Mikhail, the utterly romantic hero we all wished to know better. We gushed over the loyal and tragic Alexander and his fun and lighthearted brother Adrian. But we saved our greatest devotion for Soren, for the depth and complexity of his character and the scope of his arc as the strongest and most lovable (in our opinion) hero of all. I named our group chat Sorenettes. Asked again, so lovingly, why this series affects me so, I was able to get to how the characters all show us how we can change our minds about people, groups, and ideas, and the inherited and established assumptions that we had previously held as immutable truths. This story gives me hope for connection despite serious barriers.

But it was Sean, whom I referenced in another post centered on Crowns back in December, who really cracked it open for me two days ago. Meeting in the Den at Ethos before our strength class, Sean’s face postively lit up when he asked, “Cathy, five times?” Remarkable and outstanding. I was queried again, invited enthusiastically to go deeper yet. And then it emerged: validation. Crowns hits me squarely at my Why, which is connection, especially across difference. Over three long books and over 40 hours of narration, the sweeping epic that spans kingdoms at war, a tragic love triangle, and the full scope of human emotion, the characters persist and finally triumph in the work of connection, despite myriad forces that oppose and threaten it, even mortally. What cosmic fortune that Phara gifted me this trilogy just when the world feels so lost to our ability to connect in general, and especially across any differences.

The insights have continued to roll out over the weekend. There’s too much to write tonight; I’ll have to do it all in chunks! That feels right–I want to savor the continuous processing, unfolding, emergence, and integration of meaning and synthesis that this story evokes. I already have at least three posts in draft, which I look forward to fleshing out: Rupture and Repair, Clinging to Our Beliefs, The Freedom of Being Seen and Known… OH, I could probably right a post a day this November based on quotes and passages!

My current thesis statement of the Crowns impact on me:
It is our face to face, one-on-one, personal connections, forged with continuous and concerted effort, patiently over time, despite both internal and external barriers and resistance, that save us. These connections require openness, curiosity, honesty, empathy, integrity, and humility from us all, and when grounded in love, they can overcome almost any division, I am convinced.

What relationships in your life fit this description?

Interestingly, jar smile writing slowed down unexpectedly and disconcertingly these last few weeks. I sat down most nights with the intense desire to write, then found myself uninspired for the usual love notes. Fascinating. I managed to sputter out some decent ones for the Ethos jar before finally hearing the call. Lessons and insights from Love Your Enemies and Crowns swirl together like the sweetest soft serve ice cream in my head and heart, and that’s what I need to put into jars right now. I feel people’s desire for less adversarial, calmer, and more thoughtful discourse. I sense the distress so many feel that it may be a lost cause. It is not! There is hope! And I can literally ‘bottle it’ for us! I posted on Instagram tonight:

“Prepping to write mini jars of love notes for bridging work. Anybody want one?”
“We must mind our assumptions of others’ motivations. Ask what they *care* about before what they hate.”
“22 tiny encouragemennts to bridge our differences; will send to someone wililng to receive.”

The first jar is already spoken for, and I feel inspiration rising to continue and persist.

So much good work to do, my friends. And I cannot think of a better way to do it than together. Epic love stories and tiny love notes help, of course.

This Is How We Do It

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Thank you, Arthur Brooks, for giving us the manual that could save us.

Last night I traveled to northwest Indiana to cook and talk politics at my Red voting friends’ home. When we made the date I did not realize it would be just after Chinese New Year, though we agreed to make potstickers. My friends had bought a bowl full of Asian fruit to celebrate and we exchanged perspectives and opinions for six hours straight. I felt mildly nervous for days beforehand, but as soon as we got to chopping, wrapping, and talking, all anxiety fell away.

There was a lot of listening, questioning, explaining, and storytelling. It was all loving and connecting. I hope we continue to meet, cook, talk, and commune.

I had listened to Love Your Enemies this week and ordered the paperback to annotate; but I got the large print by accident. So I brought it to my friends’ house and offered it to them, which they enthusiastically accepted. I hope we can talk about its principles together soon, share the book with everybody we know, and maybe even expand our conversations to include others.

My hardcover arrived yesterday and I’m about 65% through reading and marking it up (it goes much faster after having listened). I hope to return here with highlights after today, but in case I don’t, here are four rules toward the end that would make everything better in all relationships and conversations, if we followed them regularly:

  1. Cultivate relationships “based on willing the good of the other and a shared sense of what is virtuous and true.” These are the friendships of honest caring and in which you do not fear disagreement. You each genuinely want to know why the other thinks or feels differently about something, that curiosity is founded in love, and you disagree respectfully.
  2. “Do not attack or insult. Don’t even try to win… The point of disagreement–if disagreement is to make us better and draw us together [which is Brooks’s premise in the book and I agree]–is never winning. It certainly isn’t to attack someone else. It is to enrich the discussion, test out your point of view in a respectful way, and persuade someone you care about.” Shaming, one-upping, jeering, name-calling and the like do no good. Please stop.
  3. “Never assume the motives of another person… To be sure, some people do harbor bad motives… But it is not reasonable to argue that malevolence and hatred are the animating fources behind the beliefs of the vast majority of Americans today. Worse than being just unfair, such a belief is too often based in rank ignorance… The truth is that highly partisan conservatives and liberals are shockingly clueless about the other side–about their motives and everything else. How many times have you heard a conservative pundit say that Democrats want to keep poor people dependent on the government to keep them voting Democratic? Or a liberal pundit say that Republican tax policies are all about helping Republicans’ wealthy friends?” The point is, individuals’ motives are complex and diverse within any given group, and they are often not nearly as nefarious or divergent from ours as the loudest and most extreme among us may scream.
  4. “Use your values as a gift, not as a weapon.” Examples: Someone who is pro-life calling someone who is pro-choice a baby killer, or someone in favor of gun control saying that NRA supporters care more about guns than children. “Values are supposed to be positive. Even if people disagree with them they aren’t supposed to harm others. It’s impossible to maintain the moral content of our values and use them as a weapon at the same time.”

I posted the following to my Instagram and Facebook accounts this week, and I extend the invitation to readers of this blog. We have work to do, my friends. The only way out is through. The best way through is together. I hope you will join me.

“Ok friends.

“I am filled with hope tonight. 🥰🙏🏼🥰
More and more people I know are inspired (or agitated) to do bridging work, and their skills, experiences, and perspectives are all so instructive, regardless of their politics.

“Looking through (Arthur Brooks)’s library in anticipation of his upcoming book, I found Love Your Enemies: How decent people can save America from the culture of contempt. Written in 2019, it is a cogent and humbling dissection of the state of our complex union to that point, and strikes remarkably prescient for our current toxic morass—culture of contempt on steroids!

I’m only about 35% through and it’s already both shifting and deepening my understanding of and approach to connecting across relational differences of *all* kinds. I have already ordered my print copy and I will mark it up with JOYFUL ENTHUSIASM!

“My friends, this is our moment.
“‘What can I do, I’m just one person?’ said seven billion people.”

“I want to share this book and this work with any of you who sense any inkling, any spark or movement of hope that you could participate, even in the smallest way. Because even if only seven of us start, our energy will ripple out. We *can* make a difference!

“So I have an offer/invitation:
I will gift this book, in the format of your choice, to you, my friends.
I have two conditions:
1. I know you in real life (online counts if we have interacted meaningfully and would meet in person if we were in the same city).
2. You agree to engage in one bridging conversation before July 4, with me or someone important in your life, as an earnest attempt at this work.

“My intent is to walk with, support, encourage, and hold you accountable on this important journey as we all learn, practice, and train together. If you commit to talking to someone else, I offer two thirty minute calls, one for coaching in advance, and one to debrief afterward.

“Comment here (I reserve the right to delete ad hominem etc) or DM me. Ask me questions. Share with our mutual friends.
My tank is full right now and my engines rev.
Let’s get to work! 👊🏼💪🏼👏🏼”