“How many weeks to you think the average human lifespan has in it?” asked Shane East on Instagram, on January 28.
I did the ballpark math in my head as I listened to the rest of the reel, and it seemed about right, somewhere around 78 years, I thought. But to express it in weeks gave no perspective for me at the time. Years and decades are much more my speed.
Then, weeks (ha!) later, it occurred to me that pregnancy is measured in weeks, and expected to last 40. So in one of those ah-HA! shower moments, I realized that by the time we are born, we may already be 1% down the road to death. Huh. So if a pregnancy is 1% of an average human lifespan, then a whole lifespan is 100 pregnancies.
Suddenly 4000 weeks had a whole new meaning in terms of duration, potential, and load. What else do (or could) we do (or witness, or cause, or anything) 100 times in our life? How many puberties, summer camps, college degrees, PhDs, MDs, and residencies is 4000 weeks? How many relationships, sex partners, attempted and failed new experiences or jobs?
How else can we frame the length of an average human lifespan to shake our perspective and make different meaning? Why would we want to?
How does the length of your life, to date and pending, make sense to you? How do you chunk it?
What is y/our relationship with death?
And as the wise Mary Oliver asked, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” (Shane has posted this question before, also. He is my people.)
Living toward death–it’s another fun paradox of reality that I love to ponder. And it always brings me back to, “Live in peace to die at peace.” Easier said than done, and I won’t know until the end if I can walk the talk.
Does it feel morbid or fatalistic? Not to me. Rather I feel mindful and realistic, present and optimistic. I get to choose what meaning I make out of 4000 weeks, 100 pregnancies, or however else I consider my time in this body, on this planet, at this time in history, whatever is happening at any time.
I have agency. These days, that may be the most important meaning I can embrace and express.
Sometimes you just know connection is imminent and when it happens, your world sparkles better than the best fireworks over the clearest water.
I followAJ, a wonderful artist and creator, and joined his Patreon. He invites questions from patrons and answers them on monthly videos. He is a lovely human above all, and also a musician, a composer, a filmmaker, a lover of all forms of life, and a remarkably effective gatherer and leader of community. He is generous, kind, honest, humble, and an empath. AND he’s a NERD! So when I started to noodle on the nature of meaning, I knew I had to invite him to think with me. The question:
“Thinking about the aspects of meaning. If we were to plot meaning on some kind of 3D map, what would the axes be? What is the nature of meaning? I’ve never asked this before so I’m only starting to wonder. So far I’m considering x = cognitive, y = emotional, z = relational. Or combine cognitive and emotional into x = psychological, y = relational, z = importance. Or maybe it’s just not a useful or worthy idea? It’s just fascinating to me that we can all observe the exact same event, article, speech, etc. and each come away with wildly divergent experiences. How do we make these experiences for ourselves and how can we more easily and effectively understand, empathize with, and hold space and love for experiences that diverge from our own? What think you…?”
Over a few days my own cogitation persisted:
If we define meaning as a 3-dimensional entity, then it has a volume and a density, among other properties. It is also fluid, I decided. Meaning in any moment can change, shift, and/or transform, according to values, goals, context, additional information, perception, and experience. The scale of each axis can be defined ad hoc, for example, linear or exponential, by minute or millenia, atomic or cosmic. There are just so many ways to consider, to imagine, to analogize, am I right? It’s one of the FUNNEST and most joyfully mind-bending questions I have ever asked, I think! I literally made myself giggle with it.
Interestingly, I stopped wondering and felt content to pause my exploration once I decided meaning is like a murmuration of starlings (see embedded link for another time I made this analogy). It is finite, has a shape that moves and changes conformation constantly, freely, and fliuidly but not randomly. It shifts in response to both extrinsic and intrinsic signals. It exemplifies A5R, no (this just occurred to me as I write now)? Attune, Attend, Assess, Adjust, Adapt, Repeat.
Meaning, like a murmuration, is alive. How awesome!
Not many people may appreciate or share the deep, giddy, goofy joy I get from this exploration, but I was pretty sure AJ would. Here are highlights from his video response:
“Cathy, what an unbelievably interesting question. I-I love that!” (said with that squinting, nose bridge wrinkling expression of joy) “That’s going to get the old cogs turning in my brain, I know it… What I want to do… is just sit silently for about 45 minutes thinking about it…” What made it “particularly compelling for me is: How are all of own personal axes calibrated?” YAAAAASSS!!! “And what does that say about how we perceive and experience particular events and what makes them meaningful to us, and therefore, is it that our axes being calibrated in a similar way to one another, is that what allows us to relate more closely to each other and perceive the world in the same way? If yes, what are the contributing factors to an individual’s calibration?” AGAIN, YES!! Oh my goodness, I feel so seen by this response!
These are exactly the questions I wish for us all to take time and energy to ask and explore. I’m not that interested in or attached to any particular answers, because 1) meaning is limbic and any verbal answer is likely a cognitive rationalization [NO judgment here–we all do it and it’s how we get through life–I just want us to admit and accept it], and 2) any meaning we make now is likely to evolve, and I want us to be aware of and embrace that constant evolution, to always stay open to it for ourselves and one another.
Imagine how much more collaboration, less conflict, and greater connection we could all enjoy if we could be more acutely and honestly attuned and attentive to how we make our own meaning, and hold bigger and more loving space for how other people make theirs?
AJ agreed that psychological, relational, and importance are three good axes to start with. How validating, to have another thoughtful mind appreciate the thinking that I already did–he even acknowledged how combining cognitive and emotional into psychlogical ‘freed up’ the third axis to add another dimension–Exactly! He called it analytical and insightful, and said my perspective was ‘finely tuned’. Why thank you, thank you very much. *sigh*
In the end, my friends, aren’t connections made through shared meaning the most–ha!–meaningful ones we can have? And don’t they just make life so much better?
“I’m so grateful that you’ve written that down,” AJ said at the end. So am I, dear one. So. Am. I.
What a privilege to be allowed into your life, your world, the space and time you inhabit in your own unique way. I know not everybody is invited; please know I do not take it for granted.
Your experience is your own and I cannot truly or fully understand, perhaps. But I can imagine. I will always do my best to be present to and for you–your joys, accomplishments, discoveries, epiphanies, sorrows, pain, and suffering. I will do my best to monitor and mitigate my own judgments and projections, and simply hold the space with and for you.
While I imagine how I might feel in your shoes, I will try harder to imagine how you feel in your shoes, and attend to that. I will be sparing with my advice and generous with the validation, though I know I stumble at that sometimes.
This witnessing, when mutual and reciprocal, nourishes my soul in ways I can hardly articulate. We take turns and also do it simultaneously, depending on what’s happening. We’ve been through a lot, not necessarily together, but each with the other witnessing. It is an act of volition, something we do on purpose for each other and our friendship. I feel the strength and support in real time, and the realization of the profound importance and impact of your seeing me is only fully apparent in hindsight. Wow.
How would we live, how would the world feel, if we all considered ourselves reverent witnesses of one another’s lives? If we attended to our collective psyches and hearts as if we were all kindergarteners crossing the street hand in hand?
What if we all just cared about each other a little more overtly and intetionally in this witnessing way?
Healing Through Connection 