November 18:  Relentless Curiosity Makes Me Better

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NaBloPoMo 2019

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

Tonight, in the month of gratitude, I feel deeply thankful for Coach Christine.  I might have been a curious person all along, but it was not until I got a life coach that I learned the vast and profound value of curiosity in every realm.  As I wrote earlier this month, standing always in curiosity liberates my mind.  It relieves me of unnecessary urgency for an answer.  I can exercise professional creativity in forming better and better questions, and the answers (often multiple, intertwined, and intriguing) emerge more easily and artfully than if I chase them demandingly.

The business of medicine is to solve problems, to heal, to cure.  So we assume that the faster we get to answers, the better.  And they had better be the right ones, because lives are at stake here!  It’s always interesting to me when patients talk about my work as ‘saving lives.’  I can’t remember a time when I could actually make that claim, at least at all directly.  But to my colleagues—emergency medicine and critical care docs, trauma surgeons, suicide hotline counselors—thank you, you really do save lives every day!

I love primary care because I usually have the luxury of ‘(living) the question.’  When patients present with new problems, as soon as I know they are stable, I get really excited.  I’m liberated to get deeply curious, ask as many questions as they will tolerate, paint the big picture together.  I follow the standard physiologic and diagnostic process initially, which often yields a straight forward answer and plan of care.  But life and work would be pretty boring if that were always the case.  When the usual suspects are all acquitted and the mystery persists, that’s when things get fascinating.  This is when I really get to know a person.  When I ask truly open, honest questions—the questions I don’t know the answers to and that are not meant to lead anywhere—I never know where the conversation will go.  And I always learn something new and relevant, something that helps me connect.  This is the information that makes a person memorable, because it is truly unique to them.

One of my favorite moments in a patient encounter is when I have to pause a few seconds to form a really good question.  What do I really want to know, what am I after, what will really break open this conversation?  It happens regularly, and wow, what a rush.  OH, I just never know what I will learn!  You’d think people would get impatient and grumpy with such prolonged, sometimes meandering interrogation.  But I find that they often lean in, look me in the eye.  They get on the train with me and look as eagerly as I around the next bend.  What will we find?  Let’s explore together!

Relentless Curiosity.  It’s the funnest part of my work.  I love it.  And as we all know, loving our work makes us better.

November 16:  Loving Subversion Makes Me Better

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NaBloPoMo 2019

Friends, do you already follow Seth Godin’s blog?  His post from Thursday stirred something a little irreverent in me.  It was about ‘allies and accomplices’:

To be an ally means that you won’t get in the way, and, if you are able to, you’ll try to help.

To become an accomplice, though, means that you’ve risked something, sacrificed something and put yourself on the hook as well.

We need more allies, in all the work we do. Allies can open doors and help us feel a lot less alone.

But finding an accomplice–that’s an extraordinary leap forward.

I thought immediately about my fellow Better Angels volunteers.  We have all committed time, talent, and treasure to the depolarizing of America.  We do it in public, in front of audiences and cameras, to reporters and members of our communities.  We openly challenge the prevailing culture of ad hominem, oversimplification, and overgeneralization.  We all come to it from our own internal optimism and hope.  But in the face of entrenched polarization and a culture of self-protection above all, we could never make any headway as individuals.  It is only together—as mutual accomplices—that we can truly claim and exercise our collective agency.

I feel even more buoyed by Ozan’s latest post.  He describes a series of well-known studies showing that people will organize themselves into in-groups and out-groups with remarkable loyalty, even around random and arbitrary distinctions like taste in abstract art.  This, of course, carries grave and important implications for prejudice and discrimination.  Ozan then points to two exemplars of the opposite, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Barack Obama.  In their most famous orations (see links), these remarkable leaders speak directly to what unites us as the foundation for solving our problems, rather than what divides us.

MLK:  The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

Obama:  The pundits, the pundits like to slice and dice our country into red states and blue States: red states for Republicans, blue States for Democrats. But I’ve got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the blue states, and we don’t like federal agents poking around our libraries in the red states.  We coach little league in the blue states and, yes, we’ve got some gay friends in the red states.

I get goosebumps just reading the words.

It really feels like a loving subversion—of cynicism, scarcity, antagonism, and fear.

Who’s not better for that?

 

 

 

November 14:  Playing Piano Makes Me Better

 

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NaBloPoMo 2019

Friends, do you play an instrument?

There is just something about music, no?  It’s transcendent.

I started playing piano late, at age 11.  There were two stores, at opposite ends of the mall, which sold pianos.  Our family made multiple round trips one weekend, listening to salesmen play the ebony Yamaha upright at one place, then the walnut Kawai upright at the other.  It had taken me a year, but I finally committed to practicing daily, and my parents agreed to invest in a good instrument.  I knew instantly that it must be the Kawai.  Somehow it took the ‘rents a few more tries (I was very patient—the stakes were high, as I was the one who had to play it) before they finally agreed.  I have always loved that piano.

Into high school, practice flagged often.  But I kept my commitment until volleyball and AP classes took over the waking hours of life.  By then my sisters had started playing, so I was let out of my contract early.  Looking back, it was only a slog at the beginning of any practice session.  Sitting down begrudgingly, intending to play for the minimum required time, I always stayed longer, feeling more relaxed and just a little more accomplished when I stood back up.  I did not realize it at the time, but playing piano soothed me.  Thankfully my mom pointed it out at some point, and I appreciated the experience that much more.

I was never a very good pianist.  Reading music was never easy or natural.  I had no patience to master music theory.  But I saved the music for certain pieces that I loved—Fur Elise, Pachelbel’s Canon in D (played to accompany the Mixed Choir singing The First Noel my sophomore year), and a Sonatina by Clementi.  Still, I did not play for at least 20 years.

My son wanted to play trumpet.  I waited.  Then he wanted to play violin, and I waited some more.  How about piano?  YES.  No mall, no local piano store.  But there was one place in a suburb close to church.  We went to see the cherry upright that I saw on the website.  It looked shabby and sounded terrible.  Looking around the crowded front showroom, no other pieces appealed to me in the least.  There was one walnut Kawai baby grand…  The sound was full, round, and resonant, like a true Kawai.  But it was outside of my price range.  The salesman looked at me a while, as if discerning something.  Then he took me to the back, where another Kawai baby grand stood in the corner, an ebony one.  Recently refinished, you could still see water rings and long, shallow cracks in the wood of the music shelf.  The bottom edge of the key bed had a series of almond-shaped dents, as if it had slid down a flight of stairs once.  It took about five seconds after hearing it played for me to buy it, cash.

Since 2011 our house has enjoyed the sounds of children learning to play music on Uncle Kawai.  The tuner said it was made in 1969, and the keys had never been eased.  Apparently Uncle had never had a home where he could showcase his full potential.  He was waiting for us.  Over the years I have occasionally sat down, pulled out my old sheet music, practiced a few minutes here and there.  Never enough time, always something else I had to go do.

This summer I finally undertook to learn Canon in C, which both kids have now played.  It’s a short, exceedingly simple variation on the theme, and yet sublimely beautiful to hear.  It’s even more glorious to play first-hand.  Even over the parts where I always stumble on the fingering, even though Uncle really needs another tuning, playing these two pages of music calms me, gives me joy, in a way no other activity can.

*sigh*

I’m always better when I’m calm and happy.