To Feel:
Seen
Look what I can do
This is how I can contribute
See me achieve
Heard
Hear my concerns
Take me into account
Understood
Validate me
Normalize my feelings
Say you can relate
Accepted
Tell me I belong
Loved
Participate in the Messy with me
Commit to sticking with me through the hard shit
Let me be my whole self with you
Be your whole self with me
Children by parents
Patients by doctors
Students by teachers
Workers by managers
The led by their leaders
Spouses
Friends
What if?
What do diversity and inclusion mean to you these days?
Honestly for me, they mean different things depending on the context in which I think about them. Cathy the Cynic thinks diversity initiatives too often feel trendy and superficial, like a knee-jerk response to the social pressure to check a box. Cathy the Optimist believes that those who direct such initiatives honestly see the communal value in a truly diverse and inclusive work environment.
A wise friend recently pointed out to me that inclusion can be a challenge even in a homogeneous group. “You could have 25 white men in a room and everybody may not feel included.” So, he said, perhaps we should work on inclusion first, and diversity will come more naturally as a result. Brilliant! If we make it safe for everybody to be themselves, no matter who they are, then they feel free to bring their best, authentic selves—it’s a win-win for each individual and the organization. An inclusive work culture supports and values each person for their unique contributions. In such an environment, diversity is achieved because people value their differences as much as their similarities. They live in curiosity and awe, always in a learning stance. Inclusive cultures seek more perspectives, experiences, expertise, and backgrounds—they cultivate depth and breadth in the humanity of their workforce. People from divergent walks of life seek to join such cultures, drawn to vibrant cohesion, synergy, and creativity.
This idea marinated in my mind for some weeks until an article from the Wharton School of Business crossed one of my online feeds last Thursday. It says diversity and inclusion are not enough; we need to cultivate a sense of belonging in our workplaces. The article quotes Sam Lalanne, a senior vice president of Global Diversity and Talent Management at Citigroup: “…whereas diversity often gets linked to numbers and percentages, belonging ‘is about how you feel’ when you’re at work. ‘Do you feel valued? Do you feel like you should be there? Do you feel that your insights, commentary and perspectives matter?’”
“Rebekah Bastian, a vice president of culture and community at Zillow Group, said that the superior business outcomes often associated with having diverse teams can’t be achieved without a sense of belonging. It’s not enough to simply include people at the table, she said, but to ‘amplify everyone’s voices, clear barriers … and appreciate each other for our unique backgrounds.’ Both she and Lalanne said that a sense of belonging means that people can bring their full selves to work, and not feel like they’re a different person there than at home.”
A different person. So what I described above as inclusion is really what these leaders define as belonging. We want each person to feel they belong in the work tribe, that their presence and contributions are valuable and worthy, as themselves. When we include, from our hearts, each person in their wholeness, only then will they truly belong. And that is the sweet spot where teams thrive.
So what do we do? How do we create such loving cultures of true belonging? According to panelists quoted in the Wharton article (and we all know this), it comes from the top: “Lalanne also commented on the importance of ‘tone at the top’ toward fostering a sense of belonging. ‘Our CEO, Mike Corbat, has really pushed us on our diversity, inclusion and belonging agendas. And it really comes from, what does he preach, what comes out of his mouth, how does he execute against the things that we see around us.’” Simon Sinek calls us to live our values with clarity, consistency, and discipline. So if you’re a leader who talks about diversity and inclusion, about belonging, then we workers have to see you, to feel you, living these values out loud and in front of us.
Belonging is more about how we are toward each other than how we act or what we do, which is inclusion. This is the key to successful ‘diversity and inclusion’ initiatives—they must be sincere. Humans are intuitively social animals. We smell insincerity and reject it, because it is unsafe. We cannot trust it.
A garden of belonging must be grown organically. There are no shortcuts. It takes time, and the gardener must tend it regularly. Young seedlings require protection from weather and predators. She must bring in pollinators and other helpers—one person cannot do it all. So we can all pick up a trowel and participate. We look to our leaders to set the path, and when we see the shining hope of our collective destination we follow willingly, eagerly, and together.
The joke goes like this: “There’s no ‘I’ in team… Yes there is; it’s hidden in the A-hole.” The point of the joke is valid: Self-absorbed and self-serving individuals make bad teammates.
Yes, AND: There must be certain kinds of I’s on any good team: Each of us must have a uniquely contributory identity and role in order for our team to function well. Diversity—of experience, ideas, and perspective—is always the strength of a good team. Homogeneity leads to extinction in nature.
Also, we all have to get in the same boat and row in the same direction—each of us I’s must join wholly in the We in order for Us to accomplish anything meaningful. It is the balance of the Good I and TEAM that determines an organization’s success.
The Good I: Self-differentiation
We all recognize the kind of “I” who makes team life miserable—that person who’s always competing, always one up-ing us, constantly reminding us how great they are, wondering why we don’t notice. But then there are the I’s whom we respect. They exude a quiet confidence, speak their truth with grace. We seek their opinion even, or especially, when we know it will differ from our own. Anyone on the team could be either of these people: captain, quarterback, goalie, setter, relay anchor, department chair, CEO, professor, senior resident, intern, president. Standing out for the sake of lording power over others, or advancing one’s own interests at others’ expense, is the “hidden I” in the A-hole. This is the bad I.
The ability to stand up and out for our core values and integrity, even in the face of anxiety and external pressure to conform, however, is the Good I; it is an expression of self-differentiation. To do this well, and to contribute to the team as a creative individual, requires self-awareness, emotional and social intelligence, and self-regulation. In order to self-differentiate effectively, we must work on ourselves, not just promote ourselves. It’s not about getting what’s ours in a world of scarcity; it’s about owning our talents and claiming our agency to make a unique and meaningful contribution to the whole.
TEAM: Attunement
If all we ever do is work on ourselves, however, without looking up and around, we may disregard important relationships. I may have an important contribution to make. But if I cannot communicate my ideas in a way that you understand, or if I come off as condescending, arrogant, dismissive, aggressive, or otherwise unpleasant, I undermine my own effectiveness, and stymie forward progress of the team.
The ability to withhold judgment, seek understanding of and from others, and recognize their unique and important contributions, is the art of attunement. Simply, it is the practice of awareness and constructive responsiveness to others. When I am attuned, I know when I need to set context before pitching my idea. I observe my colleagues’ posture, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. I query for (mis)understanding. I hold space for open dialogue, debate, and idea exchange. This kind of resonance, when successful, facilitates the wave propagation of teamwork, and advances objectives faster and more efficiently with the synergy of morale.
Some might see self-differentiation and attunement as opposed or dichotomous—you can or should be one or the other. Rather, we should consider them as complementary and counterbalancing. We should each pursue proficiency and mastery of both skill sets, and practice them as both individuals and as whole teams. I can be both a self-differentiated and attuned leader of my department. My department can be both a self-differentiated and attuned member of my organization. My organization can be both a self-differentiated and attuned member of our profession or industry. And we can all, individuals and organizations alike, be both self-differentiated and attuned members of society at large.
TEAMS get things done when we well-self-differentiated I’s attune to one another and march together on our shared mission—regardless of the size, mission, or make-up of our teams. Every successful team is made up of individuals who claim their unique strengths, and then direct those strengths in service of the greater good, the overarching intention of the We.
Such harmonious and resonant balance is the quintessential win-win.
Healing Through Connection 