What is the core ethos of the people you follow?
Why do you follow them?
What do they validate for you?
What do they criticize that validates you?
What about their ethos/opinion/position may harm others?
How do you monitor for this?
How do you reconcile it?
I ask this of myself and all of us.

How does this all influence how we show up in the world–the good and the harm that we do?
How intentional is our presence, are our words and in/actions?
What is our impact?

Who keeps the collective ethos in any group?
“It’s the leaders, stupid,” my snarky and cynical mind says.

Government? Yes. At all levels.
Law enforcement.
Medical professionals.
Business leaders (sadly, I have to say, in many, many cases).
Teachers.
Parents! Thought leaders from Confucious to Simon Sinek liken public leadership to parenting.
Friends. Peers.
Customer service representatives and call center agents.

It’s everybody! Anyone who makes regular contact with fellow humans has a hand on the wheel of or shared life bus. We all keep our collective ethos of culture and attitude, of what we accept, dismiss, and tolerate, know it, like it, want it or not.

This is what it means to lead from ANY CHAIR, and it’s more important now than ever that we each step up and own our part in everything that happens around us. Stop with the platitudes, the rote responses in answer to any question, the oversimplified, blaming, shaming, judging, and tribalist rhetoric that shuts down civil discourse or worse, escalates conflict and division.

What we say matters. What we do, how we show up, how we make others feel, how we manage ourselves, our emotions and reactions–we are all called now to be better.

It all matters.

So please breathe more deeply, regulate yourself, and be more aware, intentional, and responsible for yourself and your impact on the world.

Get help for your feelings if you need it, from people and practices that soothe your nervous system and make you better for the next human you meet and the rest of us after that.

Find connecting and constructive rather than dividing and destructive avenues to express and advance your values. Try harder to see the validity of others’ values and how they prioritize them.

Practice empathy and generosity. Look for role models, see how they do it, then query and emulate them.

BE the change that moves us toward de-escalation, connection, and shared humanity.

I’ll answer my own questions here. How will you answer for yourself?

What is the core ethos of the people I follow?
RELATIONSHIP IS THE FOUNDATION OF EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS. We are all connected and are responsible for one another’s well-being, one way or another. When everything we do stems from this fundamental truth, we act more humbly, respectfully, and effectively. Simon Sinek. Brené Brown. Braver Angels. Builders. Benjamin Zander. Richard Rohr. Fr. James Martin. Barack and Michelle Obama.
When we come together, we can do anything.
Why do I follow them?
Because they give me courage. They show me evidence that this ethos of ours is valid, necessary, and valuable, despite all those telling me it’s pointless and a waste of energy, that you can’t change people, that ‘the others’ are hopeless and unworthy of my time or attention. The people I follow demonstrate openness, curiosity, humility, kindness, and a willingness to have their own minds changed. They own their faults and failings out loud and visibly. They lead by example of integrity and inspire me to do the same.
What do they validate for me? See above.
What do they criticize that validates me?
Oversimplification. Dehumanization. Closed mindedness. Inflexibility and denial of valid perspectives other than my own. Their criticisms also apply to themselves, and so force me to apply to myself all the standards to which I hold others. They criticise self-aggrandizement and shaming, ad hominem and counterproductive speech and rhetoric.
What about their ethos/opinion/position may harm others?
This is a hard one. We never want to see our heroes as doing harm. Thinking of myself and my own words and actions and then comparing to my chosen leaders, I can find times when we have all been more closed minded than we preach. More judgmental and rigid, forceful and non-inclusive. We are human, after all, perfectly imperfect. So the harm we do may be to turn others off from our ethos when they see us not walking the talk–to disconnect rather than connect.
And every virtue has its shadow. Hyperfixation on a single point or practice of any ethos may risk excluding adjacent but different practices, leaving little room for nuance and flexibility, adjustments for context and circumstances. Whenever we overindex on a core value and lose sight of potential conflicts and competing interests, we may harm relationships through lack of understanding, poor empathy, and estrangement, which is the opposite of our core ethos.
How do you monitor for this?
I ask around. My inner circle keeps me honest and in my integrity. I connect regularly with those I trust, who hold differing opinions and values prioritized differently, whether they feel seen, heard, and understood by me. I listen for harm they experience from ‘my side’.
How do you reconcile it?
I remember that we are all human, and passion makes us act impulsively. We are, at our core,IRrational, highly emotional creatures, still evolutionarily driven for survival, and survival for prey animals hinges on belonging. This means inclusion, safety, shared identity, and protection or even aggression against threats from ‘others,’ especially those perceived (often sub/unconcsiously) as predators. I look for fear and the sources of fear at the bottom of that aggression, and try to muster empathy for that. And then when I see someone I follow consistently causing harm, I stop following.

We are all called. Let us answer together. It’s easier and better that way.