Reconciling Connection With Persuasion

Posted to my Instagram today

Kansas has invalidated, overnight, the driver’s licenses of transgender people who changed their stated genders to match their identities. This apparently affects about a thousand people in the state, with no grace period, as of three days ago. “The law also prohibits transgender people from using multi-occupancy bathrooms in government buildings that do not correspond to their sex assigned at birth, and authorizes private citizens to sue people who violate the law.” —Reuters

According to three academic researchers writing for The Conversation, a media source rated ‘Least Biased’ and ‘Very Highly Factual’ by Media Bias/Fact Check:
“Roughly a quarter of trans and nonbinary people who have not updated their identification documents experience subsequent mistreatment when showing their IDs, including verbal harassment, assault and denial of services or access to settings. In our research, we similarly found that not having one’s gender legally affirmed is associated with greater discrimination and social rejection – one pathway to negative effects on mental and physical health.
“To comply with the current law sets up an impossible situation for many trans and nonbinary people who have been using the restroom aligning with their gender identity and presentation for years. These individuals are set up to face violence, legal action or criminal penalties even when they are complying with the law, as using the restroom aligned with their sex assigned at birth will appear to others as contradicting their gender presentation.”


The US House of Representatives has passed the SAVE Act, which will “require everyone registering to vote to provide a document verifying their citizenship and implement strict photo ID requirements to vote.” —The National Conference of State Legislatures

Nine Things to Know about the SAVE Act from the NCSL:

  1. Federal law is clear that only U.S. citizens are permitted to vote in federal and state elections. Currently, states decide how to enforce this requirement. All states require new voters to attest to their U.S. citizenship when they register, and all states conduct voter list maintenance to identify potentially ineligible voters on the rolls. How they do that varies. 
  2. The SAVE America Act would require states to collect and document proof of citizenship from voters, which few states currently do, and establish additional voter list maintenance processes. A recent University of Maryland study indicates that as many as 21 million eligible voters do not have easy access to documents proving citizenship.
  3. The bill would implement a strict photo ID requirement for federal elections and specify the types of identification accepted. While 36 states currently have voter ID requirements to vote, state approaches vary. Just 10 states fall into the strict photo ID category, as defined by NCSL.
  4. The bill’s identification requirements also specify that a voter ID document must indicate that the individual identified is a U.S. citizen. A handful of states denote citizenship status directly on driver’s licenses, and while applicants for REAL ID cards provide documentary evidence of citizenship status, the cards display the same gold star insignia for a citizen as for a lawfully present noncitizen. Currently, each state determines the types of ID acceptable to vote, and that often includes student IDs, hunting and fishing licenses or other state-specific identification cards.
  5. The bill would require voters registering to vote by mail to submit documentary proof of citizenship, which states do not currently require. It is unclear how the bill would affect online voter registration, which is an option in 42 states.
  6. The bill would require voters applying for and submitting absentee/mail ballots to submit a photocopy of their identification, at both steps in the process, which most states do not currently do.
  7. The bill does not authorize federal funding for the new state responsibilities it creates, and it includes no phase-in period. 
  8. States that can’t comply might face running state and federal elections separately, with separate procedures, or they might have to keep separate lists of voters who have not provided proof of citizenship and permit them to vote only in state or local races. Arizona already has such a “bifurcated” process, which has seen a stream of litigation dating to 2004.
  9. The bill would require states to run their voter lists through the Systematic Alien Verification of Eligibility system to identify potential noncitizens on the voter rolls. Many, though not all, states use this system as one resource for identifying potential noncitizens, but not at the frequency this bill envisions. There are also questions about the personal voter information states would be asked to provide to run records through the database.

The bill also includes a private right of action, allowing individuals to sue if they feel the law is not properly enforced. It would establish criminal penalties for election officials who mistakenly register an applicant to vote who has not presented proof of citizenship.

To learn more about state actions, see the State Legislatures News story “States Consider Options to Ensure That Noncitizens Aren’t Voting” and NCSL’s webpage Legislative Approaches to Ensuring Only Citizens Vote.


House Resolution 7661, the Stop the Sexualization of Children Act, was introduced by Illinois representative Mary Miller and 17 Republican cosponsors on February 24. “The legislation amends Section 8526 of the Elementary and Secondary Education Act of 1965 to prohibit federal funds from supporting any school programs, activities, literature, or materials for minors under 18 that include ‘sexually oriented material.’ It explicitly defines ‘sexually oriented material” to encompass content involving “gender dysphoria or transgenderism,’ alongside depictions of sexually explicit conduct such as nudity or lewd dancing.” —The Edge Media Network:
“LGBTQ+ advocates have raised alarms about the bill’s implications for transgender students and educators. It could compel transgender teachers to conceal their identities and deter schools from affirming transgender students’ identities due to fears of losing federal funding. The vague wording might effectively erase transgender visibility in public education, impacting mental health resources and inclusive environments for transgender youth… H.R. 7661 represents a significant escalation by tying transgender topics to federal education funding, potentially affecting schools nationwide if passed. As of February 26, 2026, it remains in committee with no further action reported. LGBTQ+ groups continue to monitor its progress, emphasizing the need for inclusive educational spaces for transgender people.”

From the American Library Association:
“In response to H.R. 7661, introduced on February 24, American Library Association President Sam Helmick issued the following statement: 

‘Parents, not politicians, should guide their children’s reading. In our school, campus, and public libraries, materials are selected by trained literacy professionals who understand child development and community needs. Their work is grounded in one clear purpose: helping young people become lifelong readers. 

‘H.R. 7661 isn’t fundamentally about protecting kids. It’s about giving politicians broad authority to restrict whose stories are allowed on our shelves. That should concern anyone who believes in the freedom to read and the right of families to make decisions for themselves. 

‘Rather than targeting librarians and teachers, Congress should invest in them. The Right to Read Act offers a better path, supporting well-staffed and well-resourced school libraries, strengthening evidence-based literacy instruction, and protecting the dedicated professionals who help young people discover books that open doors and expand horizons. When we trust families, support educators, and protect the freedom to read, our young people thrive.’”


I feel alarmed, my friends. Never before have I felt this urgent and anxious about impending (and, frankly, in progress) federal action or legislation that directly disrupts the lives of so many people. My social media feed paints the worst case scenario for all of the items above, and the severe alarm is not unjustified, no matter what my conservative friends may say. Looking at implementation, enforcement, and consequences for violation of sweeping, vaguely worded laws that allow no time for thoughtful, local execution, I am especially worried about effects of the SAVE Act on the midterm elections this year. I want my Red voting friends to acknowledge the possibility of harm done to vulnerable populations and excluding them from exercising their right to vote, thereby skewing election results toward the right.

I ruminated about this post all day and procrastinated most of this evening to write it, feeling agitated and ambivalent. What do I want from my friends in the wake of all this distress?

Two Blue voting friends expressed hopelessness to me this week. “It’s going to come down to rioting in the streets,” said one. “There is no more compromising left,” said the other. Both do not see a path forward for civil political discourse in any form. “I will not talk to the guy dragging people out of their cars at gunpoint,” and “…there is not dialogue that is possible until the far right starts to feel the consequences of this regime.” What struck me about these expressions was their focus on the extreme. I don’t seek engagement with ICE or border patrol officers actively engaged in detaining civilians on the street, and I don’t generally encounter far right political extremists. I still hold that political discourse is not only possible but more necessary than ever, if we are to save our country from accelerating, exponential, adversarial political escalation and even violence. And it has to occur between and among us regular folks.

When I think about my Red voting friends, however, I can easily imagine any and all of my progressive concerns being dismissed out of hand. “Just show your birth certificate or passport, no big deal,” they may say. How many of us have our birth certificates readily available? If not, how easy would they be to obtain? About half of US citizens do not hold a valid passport. What about people (mostly women) whose names changed when they got married? Who still has their marriage certificate ready to present? It’s the extra hassle and inaccessibility/inability to comply with all these rules that we Blues worry will disenfranchise otherwise legitimate voters. That has consequences, which many on the left believe is the goal of those on the right.

I hesitate to include quotes here discussing the worst case scenarios precisely because I anticipate the most likely response from conservatives to be flat out rejection and invalidation of my concerns. That kind of response shuts down engagement and exchange, and I want no part in inciting it. I realize only as I write this now, that this is the greatest barrier to my expressing anything emphatic or alarming to my conservative friends. For over a decade now my fears and worries have been consistently minimized and discarded as catastrophizing and hysterical, essentially. I have never been asked why I feel fear, or what evidence there is to justify it. Examples I raise are almost always discarded as ‘fake news’ in one way or another. My concerns are not acknowledged as valid, much less empathized with. It feels disrespectful, condescending, thoughtless, and degrading, actually.

There’s not much effective political advocacy I can do locally. Both of my senators and my representative are Democrats and will vote against the legislation that I oppose. I will likely never live in a district where my vote may swing an election (very few of us do). So where does my agency lie? I think we need to elevate and elect candidates willing to listen to their opponents more generously than most elected officials do now–on both sides. We need leaders with both the skills and willingness to treat opposing ideas and people who hold them with humility and respect rather than contempt and dehumanization. We especially need to get the chief dehumanizer and his unqualified staff out of the highest office in the land, to restore decency and government for the people at the very top.

But how can we elect reasonable, decent, level-headed political leaders if we, the voting citizenry, refuse to engage each other with the same attitude of mutual respect and human decency? What will it take to stop generalizing ‘all Democrats’ and ‘all Republicans’ into mental trash bins only to be spat on and dumped in rhetorical landfills? I wrote to my Blue voting friend tonight, “Compromise may not be the right word or concept, but we must stay at the table to engage and negotiate. There will be no ‘vanquishing the enemy.’ There is no winning in the sense that everyone wants. We must find a way forward together with everyone. We have to all participate in the de-escalation.”

There is a kernel of truth in every reasonable assertion on every side of an issue. Our job as participants in civil discourse, in service of de-escalation and finding a collaborative path toward our shared goals, is to seek and acknowledge these kernels in our opponents’ arguments, and use them to sharpen our own. There are people who do this well, like Mónica Guzman; we must seek and amplify their voices.

One example is the Substack article “You’re Probably Wrong About the Deportations” by Jonathan Stray, writing for the Better Conflict Bulletin. I quote large exerpts here to make the point about seeking and highlighting nuance and partial, incomplete truths in our daily discourse, guarding against superfluous, overgeneralized, oversimplified, and derisive language and assertions:

“Which of these stories about immigration do you believe?

  • “Many millions of unauthorized immigrants had been living happily as contributing members of American communities for decades, until ICE started cruelly and violently arresting them under the Trump administration.
  • “The Democrats let untold millions of violent criminals into our country. ICE is merely enforcing existing laws to remove murderers and rapists, a long over-due increase in deportations.

“As is so often the case, these conflicting stories are both partially right. Because of the intense polarization on this topic, most people believe an uncomfortable mix of truth and half-truth.

Red frame problems: The ‘enforcing existing law against criminals’ frame is contradicted by the administration’s own data and its own officials’ statements. They’re not primarily deporting criminals; they’ve eliminated criminal prioritization, set arrest quotas, and 73% of detainees have no convictions. ‘Border Czar’ Homan says non-criminals will ‘go too.’ MAGA voices like the Heritage foundation criticize the administration for not deporting all unauthorized immigrants.

Blue frame problems: The ‘happy contributing members living peacefully for decades’ frame misses that there genuinely was a massive increase in unauthorized immigration under Biden (from 458,000 in 2020 to a record 2.2 million in 2022), that this caused enormous stress on some communities, that there are more than a million unexecuted removal orders from immigration judges, and that the Obama administration was itself deporting ~1,000 people per day in its first term, about the same as Trump is currently managing.

“The overwhelming majority of immigrants (of whatever kind) are law abiding. Every possible statistic on the topic shows this clearly. Only 23 out of 14,500 homicides in 2025 were by unauthorized immigrants, according to CBP. Overall, immigrants (of whatever kind) commit fewer crimes than U.S. born citizens, and have for the last 150 years.”

(Source)

“Most Red Americans believe that the Trump administration is deporting only people with a criminal record, while most Blue Americans believe the opposite. Both are half right. A majority of those arrested so far have a criminal record. But the share of arrests of people without a criminal record are increasing.”

New York Times


“Part of what is going on here is that a vocal Red minority want to restrict immigration generally, unauthorized or not. The Administration’s public message has mostly been about removing unauthorized immigrants with a criminal record — and this idea remains very popular. Yet the underlying legal instruments do not make this distinction, and many Administration officials have repeatedly said the goal is to remove all unauthorized immigrants — a policy which is unpopular among Americans generally.

“So there is a political bait and switch happening here: the Administration is saying that it’s all about criminals, as with their slick “worst of the worst” site. But a bit over half of Republican voters want all unauthorized immigrants gone, and in fact arrests are increasingly shifting to people with no criminal record.

Sources: FY1993–FY2024 from Factchequeado. FY2025 from Austin Kocher/Syracuse University All figures are ICE removals only and do not include CBP removals or self-deportations.

“If it feels like we’re in a new era of immigration enforcement, we are. But this isn’t really because more people are being deported. Rather, the focus has shifted to interior enforcement in cities, which is more likely to target people who have been here for some time.

“On top of this, Trump is targeting ‘Democrat’ cities and states (in his own words) which is about political “retribution” (in his own words). This of course feels deeply unfair to Blue America.

“Hopefully, you learned something in all of this. There’s an argument over whether the Administration is really deporting just “the worst of the worst” as they repeatedly claim. Is ICE deporting murderers and rapists? Yes, but mostly no. There’s an argument over whether deportations are even up at all. Do we live in an era of mass deportations? Not more so than under Obama, but the who and where has drastically changed.

“With any luck, this dive into into the weeds of immigration enforcement will help you have a better conversation the next time you get into it with your misguided relatives. If we’re fighting, at least we should be clear on what we’re fighting about.”


It took hours to search, curate, and quote all of the articles included here, and I’m glad I did it. It showed me that I am justified in my grave concerns for governmental overreach and its severe negative potential consequences for many people. It also showed me that actively and methodically vetting the most emotionally inciting claims almost always de-escalates my psyche and restores my sense of agency to engage with reason and equanimity.

Connection and persuasion felt opposed when I first conceived of this post. Now I reaffirm that the latter cannot occur without the former, of course. And my persuasion goals now center around shared principles and finding better, more moderate methods for expressing them, more than debating specific legislation. That doesn’t mean I will shy away from discussing risks and harms I see specific policies presenting, but I will do so still from a perspective of curiosity, mutual respect, and seeking a collaborative rather than oppositional path forward.

I’m still alarmed. More and more policies, both in proposition and execution, feel extreme, dysfunctional, and harmful for too many–far more than just the few I highlight here. I’m also still convinced and committed that we regular folks, when we exercise our responsibility to engage in conscientious media consumption, respectful civic discourse, and holding our leaders to the same standard, can ebb the tide of escalating adversarial politics.

I am not hopeless. I am energized and impatient, and I intend to continue to channel this powerful humane force toward connection above all else. Because connection is the foundation of all movement that matters.

Power and Grace: Year of the Fire Horse

Image from The Sunday Guardian

The Lunar Year of the Fire Horse arrives this Tuesday, February 17.
Happy New Year, my friends.

I’ve thought about this post for a couple weeks now, reflecting on power and grace, two attributes of horses that I admire and wish to manifest in 2026 and beyond.

Power
Brené Brown and others distinguish between power to and power over. We all have power to–to act, influence, resist, etc.–to various degrees in certain contexts. But not everybody has power over, and right now in the US we witness our government exercising its power over people and systems in brutal and unconscionable ways. Consider those in authority who have exercised power over you–parents, teachers, bosses, administrators, police–we know when they wield their power abusively. It is an intuitive and visceral knowing, whether we admit it or not.

So as concerned members of society, called to stand up for our fellow humans getting traumatized on a daily basis, where does our power to lie, as individuals, groups, and communities? Peaceful protest is one. Also “grassroots guerilla support systems”, as novelist and poet JP Greene calls them. He writes further in last week’s newsletter, Stomaching the American Lie, “It looks like local butcher shops feeding people for free when SNAP benefits get cut. It looks like neighbors getting to know neighbors and community gardens and mutual aid networks and communities that guard and teach and raise up their children collectively.” Where could it lie that we haven’t noticed?

No one will be surprised when I submit that our power to also lies in connection across difference. The polarization we witness that stems from the most extreme voices on any topic feels insurmountable. Those of us on either side who recognize the nuggets of truth among our opposition’s positions may feel powerless to change the prevailing narrative on our own side that demonizes and dehumanizes the other–a narrative that benefits nobody. To dissent feels like an exercise in futility.

Connecting across difference and finding the ‘you have a point’ moments feels like giving power away, no? But concensus, however small, builds power and momentum to move and merge attitudes and then policy meaningfully. It requires patience, humility, openness, empathy, and honesty. How many of us view these traits as strong, as conferring power to those who wield them? If we think in terms of power over, then humility and empathy can feel weak. But if we wish to engage and challenge civilly, to explore, invite, and nudge people to loosen their strongly held biases and rigid positions, to change the narrative on both sides from ‘vanquish the enemy’ to ‘get to work and solve problems for real now’, then humility, patience, empathy, honesty, and integrity may be the most powerful skills we can call forth. These are the heaviest tools of power to when it comes to effecting consequential human change.

Grace
Few animals evoke a sense of gracefulness more than horses. Their anatomy and movements are a wonder to behold. How can we emulate this essence in our own being, in service to one another?
What does it mean to be graceful, and to ‘give others grace’?
What does this grace feel like in our bodies?

Consider elite ballet dancers and master diplomats, arguably the most physically and verbally graceful among us. How do they train? What traits do they present? Commitment. Discipline. Consistency. Perseverance. Core stability and strength, flexibility, and agility. Mental, physical, and relational resilience. Graceful people exude groundedness and focus. Their nervous systems are both regulated and responsive, alert and attuned, yet slow to agitation and impulsivity. Their energy de-escalates those around them. They exemplify ‘strong back, soft front‘. They move with fluidity and make it look easy, and we want to follow. To exert influence with such minimal apparent effort, to possess such efficiency of energy for impact–that is grace.

Power and grace are analogous to strong back, soft front, which is how I wish to live. Unassailable principles and core values rooted in honesty and integrity, presenting as openness and invitation to connection and relationship. The latter entails vulnerability, which requires courage, which is a form of strength and power. These qualities all intersect and mutually amplify in a personal ethical ecosystem that thrives on the exponential synergy of human connection. How inspiring!

How do we choose to move forward this Fire Horse Year, in our own lives and as a collective? Besides power and grace, what other energies do you wish to exude?
How will living this way benefit you and those around you?
When we look back at the dawn of the Fire Goat Year in 2027, how will we say we have lived?

Who Keeps the Ethos?

What is the core ethos of the people you follow?
Why do you follow them?
What do they validate for you?
What do they criticize that validates you?
What about their ethos/opinion/position may harm others?
How do you monitor for this?
How do you reconcile it?
I ask this of myself and all of us.

How does this all influence how we show up in the world–the good and the harm that we do?
How intentional is our presence, are our words and in/actions?
What is our impact?

Who keeps the collective ethos in any group?
“It’s the leaders, stupid,” my snarky and cynical mind says.

Government? Yes. At all levels.
Law enforcement.
Medical professionals.
Business leaders (sadly, I have to say, in many, many cases).
Teachers.
Parents! Thought leaders from Confucious to Simon Sinek liken public leadership to parenting.
Friends. Peers.
Customer service representatives and call center agents.

It’s everybody! Anyone who makes regular contact with fellow humans has a hand on the wheel of or shared life bus. We all keep our collective ethos of culture and attitude, of what we accept, dismiss, and tolerate, know it, like it, want it or not.

This is what it means to lead from ANY CHAIR, and it’s more important now than ever that we each step up and own our part in everything that happens around us. Stop with the platitudes, the rote responses in answer to any question, the oversimplified, blaming, shaming, judging, and tribalist rhetoric that shuts down civil discourse or worse, escalates conflict and division.

What we say matters. What we do, how we show up, how we make others feel, how we manage ourselves, our emotions and reactions–we are all called now to be better.

It all matters.

So please breathe more deeply, regulate yourself, and be more aware, intentional, and responsible for yourself and your impact on the world.

Get help for your feelings if you need it, from people and practices that soothe your nervous system and make you better for the next human you meet and the rest of us after that.

Find connecting and constructive rather than dividing and destructive avenues to express and advance your values. Try harder to see the validity of others’ values and how they prioritize them.

Practice empathy and generosity. Look for role models, see how they do it, then query and emulate them.

BE the change that moves us toward de-escalation, connection, and shared humanity.

I’ll answer my own questions here. How will you answer for yourself?

What is the core ethos of the people I follow?
RELATIONSHIP IS THE FOUNDATION OF EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS. We are all connected and are responsible for one another’s well-being, one way or another. When everything we do stems from this fundamental truth, we act more humbly, respectfully, and effectively. Simon Sinek. Brené Brown. Braver Angels. Builders. Benjamin Zander. Richard Rohr. Fr. James Martin. Barack and Michelle Obama.
When we come together, we can do anything.
Why do I follow them?
Because they give me courage. They show me evidence that this ethos of ours is valid, necessary, and valuable, despite all those telling me it’s pointless and a waste of energy, that you can’t change people, that ‘the others’ are hopeless and unworthy of my time or attention. The people I follow demonstrate openness, curiosity, humility, kindness, and a willingness to have their own minds changed. They own their faults and failings out loud and visibly. They lead by example of integrity and inspire me to do the same.
What do they validate for me? See above.
What do they criticize that validates me?
Oversimplification. Dehumanization. Closed mindedness. Inflexibility and denial of valid perspectives other than my own. Their criticisms also apply to themselves, and so force me to apply to myself all the standards to which I hold others. They criticise self-aggrandizement and shaming, ad hominem and counterproductive speech and rhetoric.
What about their ethos/opinion/position may harm others?
This is a hard one. We never want to see our heroes as doing harm. Thinking of myself and my own words and actions and then comparing to my chosen leaders, I can find times when we have all been more closed minded than we preach. More judgmental and rigid, forceful and non-inclusive. We are human, after all, perfectly imperfect. So the harm we do may be to turn others off from our ethos when they see us not walking the talk–to disconnect rather than connect.
And every virtue has its shadow. Hyperfixation on a single point or practice of any ethos may risk excluding adjacent but different practices, leaving little room for nuance and flexibility, adjustments for context and circumstances. Whenever we overindex on a core value and lose sight of potential conflicts and competing interests, we may harm relationships through lack of understanding, poor empathy, and estrangement, which is the opposite of our core ethos.
How do you monitor for this?
I ask around. My inner circle keeps me honest and in my integrity. I connect regularly with those I trust, who hold differing opinions and values prioritized differently, whether they feel seen, heard, and understood by me. I listen for harm they experience from ‘my side’.
How do you reconcile it?
I remember that we are all human, and passion makes us act impulsively. We are, at our core,IRrational, highly emotional creatures, still evolutionarily driven for survival, and survival for prey animals hinges on belonging. This means inclusion, safety, shared identity, and protection or even aggression against threats from ‘others,’ especially those perceived (often sub/unconcsiously) as predators. I look for fear and the sources of fear at the bottom of that aggression, and try to muster empathy for that. And then when I see someone I follow consistently causing harm, I stop following.

We are all called. Let us answer together. It’s easier and better that way.