Category Archives: personal growth

Love Out Loud

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Hey Love!
Good Morning Darling.
Hello Dear One.

More and more, this is how messages from me begin.
OH how wonderful if feels to effuse love every day! I have observed and written for a couple years how I feel liberated and even irreverent about it now, well into middle age–BOOBS OUT. “Tell (people) you love them. Tell them a lot. Make it weird.” Because the more we do it the less weird it is, and the more joyous and connected we all get to be.

I love easily, I think most who know me would agree. Some may wonder if it’s superficial, blind, or even fake. But it feels like none of these to me, and I’m confident not to those I love. I attribute this unreserved tendency to adore to my matrilineal inheritance of optimism and penchant for connection. Ma, her sisters, and my maternal grandmother, 婆婆, all set the example of seeing the best in people first, of loving first, with great openness and, some would say, vulnerability. This does not mean we throw ourselves headlong into random or toxic relationships. We simply, by default, assume the best of everyone we meet and go from there. Most of the time people respond fantastically, and if not, we know how to (lovingly) distance and protect ourselves, if necessary. So the older I get, the more I let loose my inner Agape lover on anyone I meet, and the rewards multiply. I shake my head in wonder almost daily, and it just keeps getting better.

Wonder is exactly the right word for it. I actually wonder how it could be this easy, this rewarding, this uplifting and reciprocal? I’m not sure I really need to answer this question, to look for some subconscious, potentially abnormal driver of this somewhat outlying behavior. I can just revel in the wonder, in the awe, that it simply is.

Interestingly, the louder I love in many ways and with more people, the more I notice the contrast when I don’t. How fascinating! It’s pretty uncomfortable, if I’m honest, because the difference can be quite stark. It feels inhibited, constrained, not like myself. It’s cautious, hesitant based on prior experience, protective. So all my talk about openness and vulnerability still stands; I just think I’m intuitive about risks and costs of engagement, and clear about what I’m willing to expend. If there is any potential for deep and meaningful connection, I’m pretty damn willing. And when I’m not, I can honor that, too. Because I know it’s not from an inherently negative place; I can trust my gut when it tells me to be wary. I also get to regulate consciously, to stay open to noticing when things shift and the possibility and potential of (re)new(ed) connection emerges.

Relationships evolve. Life paths converge and diverge, we flow together and apart over the long, complicated journey. We never know what’s coming, and our perspectives on what’s passed can morph and transform with the broadening perspective of time elapsed.

In the end, how satisfied will we be with how we loved ourselves and one another?

Loving out loud, often, and with abandon can be risky. In my experience, however, reward far outweighs risk and cost. The more I love, the more love grows within, between, and among myself and others. There is simply more love moving about in the world, and that is always a net good thing.

Beliefs as Obstacles

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How are we held back by our beliefs in ways we don’t know?

Lately I see the need and benefit of revising my narratives in multiple life domains.  I have told the same stories about certain people and situations for many years, unwavering tales of personality, action, inaction, motivation, and interaction that have largely defined many of my relationships. 
I will be necessarily cryptic here for privacy, and I think my point will still come across.

In the beginning of anything—life, dating, parenting, work—we have formative encounters and experiences that shape our views and behaviors in that realm.  The longer we live, the more our beliefs in each domain intermingle and influence those in others.  We make meaning from our perceptions in real time, integrating current context and past experiences, consciously and sub/unconsciously.  Our worldviews about risk/reward, cost/benefit, justice/mercy, love, responsibility, accountability, and myriad other ideas form early, implicitly at least as much as explicitly.  What’s more, we rationalize everything, justifying opinions and positions with apparently sound and reasoned logic, often not recognizing the irrational, emotional, relational, and sometimes delusional origins of our beliefs.  The most confident, articulate, and clever of us convey our rationalizations so convincingly we persuade not just ourselves, but many of those around us how right we are. 

“I’m not good enough.”
“He’s a narcissist.”
“She always plays the victim.”
“Everything I love gets taken away eventually.”
“All men hurt women.”
“No one can have it all; we must choose between family and work.”
“Anyone who votes for xxx is crazy and a danger to society.”

How true are the beliefs expressed in these statements?
For each one that you may not believe, how many do, wholeheartedly and unquestioningly, even if unconsciously?  How does this impact our interactions with the people and contexts around us?

What statements and stories do you profess consistently?  How true are they, if you are honest?  How have they served you?  How do they not?  What would happen if you revised or refuted any of them? 

This all came up for me this weekend after a two-day workshop on character development and backstory by Emily Golden and Rachel May of Tenacious Writing and Goldenmay editing and coaching.  Focusing on backstory, the workshop demonstrated the relationship between a character’s ‘internal goal’ (the thing they most want in life) and their ‘internal obstacle belief’ (the thing they think will get them to their goal but is actually the barrier they must overcome).  It reminded me of how Nancy Duarte describes the most effective presentations as mirrors of the Hero’s Journey: We are called to adventure and initially refuse.  We are comfortable where we are, why move?  Events then ensue that force us to stand up and engage.  Yet we are still reluctant.  We are shown what could be.  We believe for a moment, then revert to what is—that which we know and have lived—no matter how dysfunctional or destructive.  It takes repeated encounters with what could be, support and challenge from those we trust (or not), to make us see that we must change our mindset, outlook and behavior.  It takes time, effort, disruption of the status quo, and often no small amount of pain.

The value of fiction is that it mirrors humanity in ways that allow us to see myriad human foibles with empathy and compassion.  It’s the protagonists who must overcome their own internal obstacles—we root for them and rejoice in their triumphs at the happy endings.  We want them to succeed, to discard delusion and open their eyes to truth and reconciliation. 

How often do we allow ourselves to acknowledge and have grace for our own flaws?  How can we get more comfortable with self-honesty and -exploration?  How can we better embrace and exercise the vulnerability and courage to recognize how our stories about ourselves and others no longer serve us, and embark on, commit to, the journey of work to revise them for the better? 

The ultimate reward, the worthy triumph of this work is connection, as always.  The better our stories, the more understanding, mutual respect, harmony, and collaboration we can achieve, the better all our lives could be.

Wasteful Assumptions and What to Do About Them

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“What is something you see others doing and you think, ‘I understand completely why they are doing that, but if they knew what I now know, they would do it differently’?”
–From 30 Creative Writing Prompts for Memoir or Non-Fiction

Assumptions.
We all make them. It’s human.
Too often we are wrong.

Because we cannot possibly know what’s in other people’s minds all the time.
We all assume more than we realize or admit that others think, feel, and perceive the way we do.
And when they don’t, there can be serious and painful disconnect.

I see relationships go sideways all the time because we assume without verification.

THUS:

Ask and clarify.
Do it from your own perspective, without judgment.
Be curious and open, and try to stay connected.

METHOD:

  1. BREATHE.
  2. Master the “I” statement. Describe how you feel, what you think, when something happens–about the thing that happened or what was said, not about the person who did or said it.
  3. Stick to the FACTS. “You said xxx,” not “You insulted me.” “Your voice got louder,” ahead of “You yelled at me.” We call it semantics, dismiss it as unimportant, to our detriment.
  4. BREATHE.
  5. No name calling, mocking, or other attacking language.
  6. Give time and space for response. Get comfortable with uncomfortable silence.
  7. BREATHE.
  8. Be prepared for defensiveness and attack in return.
  9. Self-regulate. Keep calm and cool.
  10. BREATHE.
  11. Ask Open and Honest Questions in follow-up, if you get that far.
    What is an OHQ? “The best definition is that the asker could not possibly anticipate the answer to it.” Curiosity is both friend and teacher here.
  12. Beware all of our self-delusions.
    I may ask you why you do something. You may answer honestly (and vice versa)–and in the end very likely we are each/both expressing rationalizations for our own irrational reactions to our world based on all the baggage we bring to the situation.
  13. BREATHE.

Still, when we show up to one another in this way:
Present
Open
Grounded
Kind
Loving
Smart
We are far more likely to work out our differences and disagreements, understand one another better, and come to resolutions faster and with a lot less pain.

RISKS:

–This is an incredibly vulnerable method of communication. Disclosing feelings can feel unsafe–guage your counterpart and adjust accordingly.
–No matter how soft and loving we approach, we may still be met with lashing out and rejection.
–We may be seen, even attacked, as weak and whining, among other things.
–We may not be heard and we may not get what we want. Then again, consider the likelihood of these things if we approach with aggression…Maybe it’s different, but at what cost?

COSTS:

–Energy: Attention and self-regulation. In the impending train wreck of an emotionally charged moment, applying brakes to the quick, cutting comeback and slowing down to really listen to hear the other person takes tremendous effort, sometimes heroic self-control. I find myself pacing my breath just writing this. It is a simultaneous exercise in acute self-de-escalation and critical external attunement.
–Outcomes deferral: This depends on how we define our goals. Transaction without regard to relationship likely does not succeed with this method. But if transactional gain can wait, and relationship connection fosters smoother negotiations in the future, then we may see this communication method as investment rather than cost.
–Lack of appreciation: We may see this communication practice as taking the high road, an attempt to elevate conversation out of drama and ad hominem. And it may come across as anything from aloofness to arrogance, among other things. We must be ready to delay gratification in multiple ways.

BENEFITS:

–Greater relational integrity, connection, and resilience. To come through conflict with fewer wounds and less resentment makes us more likely to enter hard conversations more willingly in the future, thereby avoiding ‘assumption fester’.
–Stronger self-awareness, self-regulation, and attunement and communication skills with repeated practice
–Greater relational depth, meaning, and trust
–Leadership by example: observers learn by watching, see that a different way is not only possible but better.
–A Better World. Open, honest, and timely communication, without judgment and grounded in love and connection above all, sets the stage and plants the seeds for positive relationship ripples that radiate in all directions and dimensions.

My friends, it’s all so much easier said than done.
And nobody does it perfectly.
Perfection is not the goal, or even relevant.

Conversations to clarify assumptions and resolve conflict are not a competition to see who is better or right. They are opportunities to learn, grow, and connect. Done well, relationships evolve to where such hard conversations are needed less and less, because wasteful assumptions are nipped in the bud by the efficient clippers of frequent, open, and honest questions.

Imagine that.

Then do it, yes?