Holding Patience

Posted on November 13, 2024 by Catherine Cheng, MD

“… casting ourselves into the catastrophic imagined future… not living in the now…”

Kasey’s insight from yesterday, recalled piecemeal here, sticks with me today: Such a wise observation and reminder of human nature. We survive as a species because we are wired to see threat and react instinctively. That instinct is the sympathetic ‘fight or flight’ response: elevated heart rate, elevated blood pressure, dilated pupils, elevated blood sugar. Physiologically it’s meant to last seconds to minutes–escape, conquer, or die. In the world humans have built for ourselves today, we may live in this short-term-designed survival response for decades. So it becomes necessary for modern H. sapiens to develop voluntary physiologic regulatory mechanisms to not just survive, but thrive, even and especially in times of great threat, real or perceived.

Long time readers of this blog may recall that I took about six months off in 2021. My last post before that period was Strategies to Get Through–the reminder to myself for how I’d survive whatever was to come. And I had to do more than survive, because others depended on me to function at my best. It was my first blog description of what many now know as my mantra, ODOMOBaaT: One Day, One Moment, One Breath at a Time.

I forgot to mention last night that my day started off so well because I messaged with the lovely Troy. He asked me how I was.

Me: I’m ok. Trying to figure out the way I want to be and what I want to do…
Troy: What if there is no figuring out? You already know. (He goes on to describe his breath work practice that keeps him grounded in himself)
[Presence. Patience.]
Me: Yes you are right, of course. I’ve been being and doing exactly what I’m meant to—I know it. I just feel more urgency and threat now. Thank you for helping me recognize it better. I have been breathing. Did I ever show you my ring that says ‘one breath’? I got it made (during that time in 2021)…
[How am I so lucky to know so many amazing people?]

Right now, one week out from the election, it’s too much to ask people to put down or let go their grief and despair. We all need time. I continue to marvel at the utterly unanticipated reaction I’ve had in the last 7 days, ‘barely a breath’ since the election, as Donna so eloquently reminded me. So I hold patience for myself and all of us, to process, to be. And so many of us have stressors much more salient and immediate than the election! We will all find our way, all in our own time. We must be gentle and patient with ourselves and one another. This is especially true for the less distressed of us to hold for the most distraught. We all know in our thinking minds that it will not feel like this forever. But we cannot make anyone’s feeling mind not feel. All we can do is be with, hold with, and shepard through. If we live long enough, we will all take turns holding and being held.

So tonight I breathe with one of the grounding questions from the Strategies post:

Are We Okay Right Now?
Previously, in life-threatening situations when I was stunned and dumbfounded and also knew I had to hold it together for others, this was the question that got me unstuck. Obviously we are not totally ‘okay’ if it’s a crisis. But when I compare current state, right this minute, to worst case scenario (which could happen, hence the crisis) and we are not there yet, then I can take a breath, regain my wits, and take the next necessary step.

Whatever catastrophe(s) any of us imagines for our future, we are not there yet.

I Hold Patience for Us tonight to pull ourselves out of catastrophization–eventually, eventually, eventually.
I breathe deeply, slowly. I attune to the supple yet strong elasticity of chest and abdomen, the profound adaptiveness of the body, and how it reflects the same qualities of the mind. We are stable, strong, flexible, agile, and resilient. We are human.

One breath at a time, friends.

Holding What Helps

Posted on November 10, 2024 by Catherine Cheng, MD

Checking in, friends. How are we doing? *sigh*

I know some of us are still distraught, distressed, and reeling. I sit with you in spirit and hold space for your anguish–I share in some of it, for sure.
Some of us don’t understand the distress, can’t feel with it. I sit with you also because I know you; I know you don’t want anybody to suffer, especially from fear of what has not yet happened (and which you sincerely believe will not happen). I ask you to hold space with me for my friends who suffer now. Because that is the human and humane thing to do.

These three days I have had meaningful and at times challenging conversations with
my Red friend in Indiana
my Blue friend in Chicago
my Red friend in North Carolina
my Blue friend from Chicago who spent time in Indiana this weekend
my Blue Braver Angels friends in Colorado and Illinois
my Blue Dot in the Red sea of Texas friend
my Blue friend in Oregon

I list them now to remind myself that this is what holds me up–connecting to my people. It was hard at times. There were tears and a range of emotions. I realize now that I’m distressed and hijacked most by judgment and lack of empathy. This awareness helps me self-regulate. I know I’m escalating when I stop asking questions, so when I notice this next, I can take a breath, reset, and decide on the next action.

I have a mediator’s heart and mind–I’m a boundary spanner, as a loving teacher once observed. I see, understand, and empathize with both sides of most conflicts, if I’m close enough. People in discord with each other often seek me for an ear and a think. I don’t tell them what to do. I ask about emotions, physical sensations, assumptions, attitudes, words, postures, goals, and trade-offs. What a privilege and an honor to be so trusted–and how reinforcing of my own tendency and reward.

Blue Dot friend reminded me tonight that mediation is not what most people in our national political conflict want. I see us as living in a toxic collective marriage with no exit by separation or divorce. Today feels like that quiet period after a big fight: The yelling has stopped, though emotions remain intense and raw. Exhaustion has set in, and self-righteousness still burns. Nobody wants to apologize or reconcile, defensiveness crouches at the ready, and the despondence of perpetual hostility seeps ever deeper. For me to stand waving the flag of bridging across division in front of certain people right now would be insensitive at best, exacerbating at worst. “Here, let me be the bumper between two oncoming bullet trains,” my friend analogized years ago when I told him I agreed to mediate an unresolvable conflict. I want to help, and my help does not apply in all places with all people. So my awareness must include the spaces and times when the work I feel called to do is not welcome or relevant. I can accept this, because the work is still useful in enough spaces for me to make a meaningful contribution. I’m confident I can find and enter them.

So, what helps? Sleep. Exercise. Nourishing food. Breath work, journaling, music, beauty. Cultivating connection. Self-awareness. Self-regulation. Effective communication. Humility. Curiosity. Kindness. Generosity. Empathy. Compassion. Hewing to my core values and my Why.

Most things will happen without my control or influence. And I am not a victim. I have agency in my response and how I show up for myself and others. This is how I help.

I Hold What Helps for Us. Whatever you need for comfort, calm, connection, and hope, whatever Helps you if you’re in distress, and whatever Helps you Help others in their distress, I Hold it all, for Us All.

Onward in our shared humanity, my friends.

The Coping Wheel from SEL Power Pack (I have no interests in their business)

Holding Gentleness

Posted on November 5, 2024 by Catherine Cheng, MD

“…A kinder, gentler nation.” –George HW Bush

President Bush the First came to my high school during his campaign for a second term in 1991. I got to speak on behalf of Students Against Driving Drunk (SADD–which I just learned is now Students Against Destructive Decisions) and sit next to him on stage. Decades later my classmate would tell me that the photo of that event which hung in the main office is actually a Getty Image. I’m convinced they put me in that chair so people could get a good view of him–he was at least a foot taller than me. He was also such a decent man. I so admired him, and Barbara, too–I read her memoir in college. I know there are many decent, kind, and gentle people all around. That is what I hold tonight, no matter what anybody says.

Clouds and rain glowered over Chicago today, though temps were still very mild for November. Other than the hour when I PR’d my bench press (6 reps, 80#, all me!) at Ethos this morning, my energy has felt dim and slow. These last couple days I wonder if I’m more anxious about the election than I realized. Huh. Good opportunity to practice some body scan meditation and breath work. As I write this, the usual states have shown their usual colors. I will post this and go to bed, and deal with it all tomorrow.

So how can we all cope with things in the morning and beyond?

Gently is the best word I can muster tonight.

My conservative friend in Alabama went to work the day after the election in 2016 [note: I have corrected this post. The prior version stated he voted for Trump in 2016; he did not]. He did not gloat. His colleague arrived in tears and he held her in a hug. I hope this kind of interaction happens all over the country, tomorrow and onward. Hugs. Gentleness in both triumph and grief. I hope we’ll eventually be able to say both, “See, it’s not as bad as some of us thought it would be,” and also, “Yeah, it’s not the utopia that some of us had assumed.” Because things are rarely all bad or all good like we imagine or expect. What we must do, however, is to admit these things to one another, honestly and humbly. And it’s only safe to do this if we are gentle with ourselves and others, both in person and in rhetoric.

Our threshholds for distress and self-care practices vary. Let us be patient with ourselves and one another. Some will withdraw and cocoon, others will need tighter, brighter connections and out loud processing. Yet more of us will react in new, unfamiliar ways. We will all benefit from one another’s soft words and touch, our respective strengths and generosity in complementary presentation. This is how we save ourselves from political and interpersonal toxicity.

A kinder, gentler world, indeed.
The more we believe it’s possible, the more we will act to make it so.

I Hold Gentleness for Us all, as we approach our shared future. Whatever it is, we will all suffer less if we can be more gentle with ourselves and our fellow humans.

Take a look at the Instagram panels below. Let us consider them for ourselves and in our like-minded groups. How can we set down the adversarial spikes toward others and take up the tools to rebuild our connections? Gently, gently, ever gently.