The Energies of Togetherness

“That was a lot of peopleing.” –Heather Pressman

What energy do you get from togetherness? I get positively giddy, among other things. This past week I have peopled ‘to the max’ and I feel euphoric. “Connection” recurs in my mind more than any other word, but what does that actually mean? How does connection feel? Let’s see if I can describe it, shall we? Tell me how this lands:

Solidarity
Our office moved last week. The team continues to amaze me year after year. Every day is a little different, with up to twelve full day patients each with intricately pre-arranged agendas coordinated with multiple other departments throughout the medical campus. SNAFUs occur regularly and the schedulers, medical assistants, dieticians, exercise physiologists all respond with flexibility, agility, and collaboration better than any other work team I have ever encountered. They executed Friday as usual, then pulled together and packed up the whole place with alacrity and aplomb. Movers came for the big stuff, and we all pitched in, some coming in over the weekend. Everybody showed up Monday morning in the new space ready to go. We hit the ground running with a full slate of patients, prepared for snags and speed bumps. All week we co-created scut lists of errors and fixes, crossing off items one by one, unpacking, organizing, learning the new layout, establishing nascent routines.

Not once did I hear anyone snapping, grumbling, or otherwise pulling anyone down.
I witnessed the epitome of teamwork last week and I could not be more proud. Yes, we are here to serve and care for our patients. We understand that to do that well, we must care for ourselves and one another first, each and every one of us, no matter where we sit on the org chart or hierarchy.

This solidarity energy lives in my upper chest and neck. It makes me look up walking the new long hallways, making eye contact and smiling at how we’ve made the new space ours, welcoming patients brightly and joyfully, as if we’ve lived here months already. The swell of pride fills my lungs like a hot air balloon, elevates my mood, and convinces me that this team can handle anything thrown our way. We prove every day how a cohesive and collaborative ethos shines and gets sh*t done.

Mission and Purpose
Last Thursday I attended the Digs With Dignity Welcome Home Gala. My good friend and Ethos coach Kim Hannay co-founded Digs six years ago, and this year they celebrated 250 homes furnished for families emerging from homelessness. Dear friend Donna came as my date, we met other Ethos friends there, and heard all about how Digs fills that liminal space at the intersection of humanitarian uplift and environmental sustainability (upcycling and expertly refurbishing about 1,100 pounds of furniture, art, and homegoods per home, keeping it all out of landfills). Follow Digs on Instagram and see every Friday how they transform housing units into places where families can truly feel they come home.

The energy of togetherness at the gala positively buzzed. Kim leads her team and all of us supporters with crystal clarity and conviction, and strong, strategic vision. Growth progresses steadily and years later, the families they serve still thrive, breaking the cycle of homelessness in the most joyful and fulfilling way. I could not be more proud to call myself a friend of Digs, among so many others who showed up to celebrate and contribute.

I feel this mission and purpose-driven energy like the stretch of my glutes, thighs, and hamstrings, in position to explode forward in a race or up in a deadlift. This is our center of gravity, where our strongest, most powerful movements originate. It’s my favorite body part to train, and where I make the fastest and most satisfying gains. If my parents fall, I know I can lift them without hurting myself. When we pull together in deeply meaningful, shared mission and purpose, we can lift our fellow humans sustainably, and even uplift our systems to new levels of function and service for all.

Visibility, Understanding, Non-judgment, Acceptance, Safety, Security, and Love
The Mate Games, my friends. Enter the universe. Join the community. You can thank me later. Yesterday in St. Charles, Missouri, about 150 people from across the country and across the pond gathered to celebrate this immense and intense literary universe of paranormal and fantasty romance, and the amazing humans who create and bring it to life. Authors Kim Loraine and Meg Anne, voice actors Aaron Shedlock, JF Harding, and Lauren Landa, Tyler and Ashlee from Plunk Productions, and artist Alyssa Dennis gathered with us readers and listeners, organized by Catherine Heffernan and Megan Munoz and their fearless staff, for a day of communion and fun. Voice actors Samantha Brentmoor, Teddy Hamilton, and Christian Fox even participated live via Zoom for a table read of a scene Kim and Meg wrote specifically for the event.

Those familiar with the paranormal and fantasy romance world know and embrace the depth of intentional inclusivity and the absolute commitment to freedom of expression and wholeness of self. When this ethos underlies a gathering of admiration and gratitude, the energy that exudes is pure love and connection. The creators’ answers to audience questions always circled back to authenticity, meaning, mutual support, and showing up for the people you care about–whether as characters or in real life. Panelists teared up multiple times, moved by this world of fantasy fiction that resonates so deeply with real people, in our real, complex lives and relationships. I’m only now about to finish listening to the first of the twenty books, but as soon as I knew about this convention last year, I registered without hesitation because I knew these are my people. Proceeds from the event will support three charities: Save Puffins, TWLOHA, and The Trevor Project.

Once again, like at AJ’s meet and greet, I feel the power of possibility from these gatherings. When we convene in love and the ideals of authenticity, mutual uplift, honest and full expression of our whole selves, and we take that energy home and turn it outward, what amazing good could we accomplish in our respective communities? When we stay connected after the ‘cons’ (short for conventions, I have learned), when we continuously fan that flame of solidarity, shared mission, and commitment to wholeness, how could we transform our world?

This energy feels high to mid-abdominal to me, somewhere between ribs and navel, like a thick, resilient cord, umbilical or otherwise, that threads the common consciousness of humanity. In the end, our needs are all simple and shared–to feel seen, accepted, cared for, and that we belong. What can we do in our daily lives to promote this connection for ourselves and one another?

Connection, Creativity, Synergy, and Rocket Fueled Possibility
I drove home from St. Charles today just in time to host Brian and Krista, my elders in residency training, for a chat and snacks. They are here from Iowa to attend the memorial service for our beloved program director, Holly Humphrey, who died earlier this year of cancer. Tomorrow I will meet Jim before work, as he has also flown in from North Carolina to pay his respects. Looking around at my colleagues in the UChicago Internal Medicine Residency diaspora, another energy of pride wells in me, similar to when I consider my med school classmates. We are all out in the world doing our respective awesome things, helping people. Solidarity, shared mission, shared history, and mutual uplift–it’s all there, like a deep and protected flame of conviction and purpose, when I maintain my connections with beloved colleagues and friends.

So many contexts, so many gatherings, so many tribes, cohorts, and communities where humans show up, connect and do good.

It’s the heart, my friends. The center of all these energies of togetherness lives right there, center mass, where it all comes together, a warm and rhythmic metronome of love. If we’re honest, our hearts beat for one another as much as for ourselves. When we gather in that energy, that shared need to connect in meaning and belonging, we sustain one another through whatever life may bring. Whether we care for patients, upcycle furniture and create homes for families, write fantasy fiction, perform it, process the audio, create the art, read and listen to it, or do anything else that involves or touches other humans, we each and all have the power to make people’s lives better.

In the days to come, notice how you do this yourself. It may be more often and meaningful than you realize. Own it. Amplify it. Live it fully and watch the love you output zoom around like a circuit of lightening, energizing those around you and coming back to recharge you.

There is so much to be hopeful and optimistic about, my friends. We all have it in us to make a difference. Now go shine your light. I bet I see it from here.

Drills and Brushes

Me, about my Inner Work: “I’ve done all the work I can do with shovels. Now I need drills.”
Astute and honest friend: “Or brushes.”

These last several weeks, new insights about my recurrent emotional patterns have emerged in rapid succession. The mind and body know when it’s time to go deeper, when there is bandwidth, I think. And the more I learn about myself, the more there is to learn, about both myself and the methods of learning. The work is infinite, and sometimes we can take a lighter touch.

Talk therapy, coaching, and books can all help us on our way to self-discovery, -understanding, and -regulation. As Christine reminded me recently, I can hold it all loosely. The Work I have done to date makes me generally calm, open, and relatively equanimitous. I should ask those who know me whether thay agree. I still feel physical effects of agitation, and I tolerate them much better. I notice when an uncomfortable encounter lingers on my psyche, and I explore it without the judgement and anxiety I once did. I recognize the feeling of resolution after working through it, and give myself space to debrief that arc of conflict from trigger to conclusion. Each instance teaches me again and anew.

What books have helped you on your self-exploration journey? See some of my recent ones below. I read more slowly these days, giving myself more time to question, explore, and reflect.

So maybe I don’t actually need drills now (yet? ever?). Maybe brushes, yes–all different kinds. Soft and strong, large and small, brooms to watercolor, wielded with knowledgeable if not expert hands, at appropriately chosen excavation sites, with teams of open, curious, and collegial explorers whose goal is to discover, consider, and tell plausible, informative, relevant, and useful stories, and hold them all loosely and lovingly. And what a perfect season now, both this time of year and this time in my life, to wade a little further into the Work. Nice and slow, gentle and kind, curious, humble, honest, and with integrity. That feels right.

Books:
Years ago — The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Debbie Ford
Why We Love, Helen Fisher
Existential Kink, Carolyn Elliott, PhD
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, MD
Romancing the Shadow, Zweig and Wolf
The Self-Led Internal Family Systems Workbook, Tanis Jo Allen, LMSW, ACSW

Showing Up, Owning My Sh*t

What parts of your personality—who and how you are—will simply not change?

After decades of relationships with certain people, what patterns, clearly and deeply grooved, feel impossible to alter now?  And when those patterns bring frustration, anger, or even contempt, what do we do?  Life only gets shorter, friends.  How can we spend less of it in conflict and grief?

I marvel often at how we humans, each and all of us so uniquely, are who we are from an early age, and also learn, grow, and change throughout life.  It’s one of my favorite paradoxes.  I have done my fair share of Inner Work, much of it documented here over the past decade.  Self-exploration, bibliotherapy, talk therapy, coaching—all to dissect the origins and intersections of my personality with those I love.  It’s humbling, illuminating, and rewarding work.  It’s also exhausting.

Dysfunctional patterns in my closest relationships recur predictably, ad nauseum.  Even as I see the collisions coming, and I know where the off-ramps are, somehow I still crash.  Emotional hijacks still happen after all these years.   But it’s better.  Intensity, duration, and hangover today are all a fraction of those a decade ago.  Yesterday’s mangled pile-ups are today’s fender benders.  All the Inner Work has paid off.  And yet, why do these patterns persist?  Why have I not overcome them even more cleanly already?

Once again, my friends save me.  Christine and I met for brunch last week, our first in person meeting in over a decade.  She reminded me to ‘hold it loosely.’  Duh-HA!  Right there over eggs and pancakes, my long-time life coach and friend called forth a mindset that had somehow diminished to the recesses of my conscious practices.  I have plenty of insight and self-understanding, and I generally operate in high levels of awareness and regulation.  Dissecting more for root causes of my relational challenges at this point may yield diminishing returns.  I know what I need to do to improve my interactions.

Learn. Practice. Train.

Showing up and doing the work when it’s hard is when it counts most.  There is always another level of difficulty higher than the last one I have mastered in interpersonal skills.  Growth and progress can only continue if I commit to showing up to try, fail, learn, repeat. 

When I notice myself complaining and blaming, I can look inward and see how I contribute to and stoke my own unhappiness and dissatisfaction.  The humility and honesty here are uncomfortable, and I train to withstand the discomfort so I may keep from stepping into and fully immersing in victim mentality, that easy, tempting place from which nothing good comes.  Inevitably, I am responsible for at least 50% of my own suffering (dammit). 

It’s been a few decades since my brain approached its fully formed state.  Looking back on the long arc of functional adulthood, I see clear progress in my interpersonal skills.  The curve demonstrates periods of both stagnation and exponential advancement, with an impressive net gain.  I wonder how much better it could still get?  Statistically I have a couple decades yet to live—plenty of runway to gain more relational mastery and live even more joyfully than I already do. 

Consistence matters.  “All or something,” as The Betty Rocker says.  ODOMOBaaT.  I can choose to see every instance of friction and conflict as an opportunity to practice what I preach.  I can bring whatever I have in that moment to meet the challenge and feel good about the effort, almost regardless of the outcome. 

I am confident the growth will continue.  I just had to write myself this little pep talk tonight.