Habit change is a lot more complicated than knowing better and then doing better. Because our behaviors are not fundamentally driven by what we know.

“I know what I should do, I just don’t do it.” What is the subtext when patients reply thusly, after I ask about their health habits? It feels defensive and a little ashamed, maybe? They don’t want to talk about it. Not surprising. Our culture pressures us to be perfect: eat organic and plant-based, do CrossFit five days a week, sleep 8 hours, keep up with current events and render strong, articulate opinions, post photos from joyous family gatherings, etc., etc. You name it, and there will be someone telling you you “should” be doing it, and not so subtly implying that you are somehow inadequate if you don’t. As if it’s all so easy.

I think this insight gives us all an opportunity to reflect on what’s actually easy. Sleep happens to be easy for me–I rarely suffer from insomnia (I just don’t spend enough hours in bed, night owl that I am). Some people are natural exercisers, others naturally prefer healthy foods. Some never feel stymied by negative emotions. Some are naturally thin and athletic; others of us are more thick and round. It does not help when we also love all kinds of food, and eat for reasons other hunger (stress, boredom, environmental cues, etc., etc., omg). I have spent the better part of my life judging and criticizing myself for my weight, even though other than pregnancy, it’s been normal–just not thin. Recently I finally understood just how obsessed I have been with policing my own eating. *sigh* What a sad waste of energy and joy.

Healthy eating has never been naturally easy for me. I am a food hedonist. Everything tastes good, I have an incredibly elastic stomach and zero sensitivities or restrictions, and I commune with loved ones around food often. I’m working on sensing hunger and satiety better, balancing starch with fiber, and choosing healthier proteins. I eat less dessert now (maybe?), and I don’t keep ice cream in the house anymore. And still, I struggle and obsess daily.

But a couple months ago healthy eating suddenly became much easier, to my utter shock an awe. Sitting at Ethos after a challenging and empowering total body strength class, I watched Tim popping blueberries like M&Ms out of a pint container. As if it had never crossed my mind before, I realized that I could do that, too. It sounds so silly, right? But I have always had a mindset that berries are too expensive to eat so frivolously. I’d buy them to add to salads or for baking–spread a pint out over many servings and people. To eat a whole pint by myself felt greedy and selfish. But in that moment, my insidious and limiting assumption simply evaporated. It felt random and cosmic at the same time. And since then, I kid you not, an unconscious and involuntary (though wholly welcome and celebrated) transformation has taken place. I feel completely sated with less food. I just don’t crave snacks at night anymore. I feel averse to heavy sauces, large portions, sugary drinks, even ice cream. I revel in a light salad and lean protein, and I don’t feel deprived whatsoever. [Ahem, I still love bread (sheepish grin).] It’s totally irrational, visceral, and not at all because of anything I tried intentionally–at least not directly. How fascinating!

“You cannot reason someone out of a notion they did not reason themselves into.”

So, bottom line: Sometimes behavior change just comes when it comes. We can still nudge and trudge, and stay open to all that may help–lay the groundwork. I think everything I have learned, tried, and failed until now was valuable, just not necessarily effective, given whatever context when I tried it. And the longer I live, the more I believe lasting, sustainable behavior change cannot be forced. Not by guilt, shame, or sometimes even reason. Maybe by peer pressure, but only the kind founded on true belonging and a strong, uplifting sense of community. Or maybe not until it really matters at a core value level, and/or it’s extrinsically easy? Or until our inner nature simply knows it’s the path to take now? Our bodies are built for survival, not modern Western aesthetics. Our cultures and social norms don’t always align with that. We are so judgmental, and there is growing evidence that the psychological harm from that actually keeps us from making the changes we so desperately desire.

Am I totally happy with my weight and my body today? Not really. And, I practice every day to appreciate it more. I’m getting stronger since joining the gym. I’m eating in ways I will regret less in the future. I’m working on getting to bed earlier (not tonight, apparently). And I continue to learn and apply everything I can about relationship, leadership, and all things that make me a better person.

So, ONWARD, my friends. We’re all doing our best here. Let’s all give ourselves and one another a little more grace and understanding, ya? And who knows when we may each have our blueberry moments–may yours catch you joyfully!