Monthly Archives: July 2025

The Inner Voice Committee: My Counsel of Self

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“Your inner critic is not usually this loud.”

Thank God for dear friends. Readers of this blog know my deep gratitude for Donna, who has lifted me out of funks now more times than I can count. Yesterday after a kickass (as in it kicked my ass) workout at Redefined Fitness and while inhaling our eggs and potatoes at Egg Harbor, she helped me work through my latest mental morass. ‘Breakthrough’ could be an understatement.

What are our inner voices? What do they tell us? What purpose do they serve?
I quote some of mine:
“I am fat. Other people must feel disgust when they look at me.”
“I am awesome: loving, connected, attuned, smart, holistic, and integrative.”
“I am not enough; must do more, be more, show more, lead more, leave more good behind.”
“I have too many gifts to have been earned–must have been a martyr in a past life–thus I must give back and pay forward.”
“I just love me.”
“I have really fucked up _______ and ________, omg.”

So much paradox! And it’s not quite noise or cacophony, more like a dissonant symphony, full of musicians committed to playing together but just not always on the same page or in the same key? Not totally worked out that metaphor yet. But another one emerged suddenly and strongly, and the ideas below flowed as if out of a fire hose:

My Inner Voices each have a persona, and they sit in conference at the round table of my being. In the 16 hours after brunch with Donna, I have now identified eight of them and given them names. I have gotten still and closed my eyes, feeling their energy. I sense their posture and see their wardrobe. The image of their presence at the table, individually and collectively, reframes my attitude toward them all, and I am both surprised and not at all of it. I shake my head in utter appreciation of my friend, for seeing me, whole and unbroken, if a bit unbalanced. Turns out my Gallup strengths show up a lot in my Voices: Input, Maximizer, Positivity, Connectedness, Learner.
Thank you, Donna, for your loving, honest, clear, and shining reflection of my self. I hope I do the same for you.

This will be long, my friends. It’s all for me–to document today so I may look back in the future and see where I was and how the path will have unfolded hence. I’m so excited.
And I wonder how it may stimulate your own Counsel of Self?

The Body Shamer
ENERGY: Low and negative. Fear, externally focused. Not calm, rather anxious. Low agency–fascinating! Not angry, but judgmental. Fearful of losing control, of irrevocable descent into fatness and all of the limitations thereof.
POSTURE: Small. Hunched but staring, as if from a dark corner–dark in general, almost nauseated; pointing.
WARDROBE: Darkly robed in rough, uncomfortable fabric.
AT THE TABLE: Sitting upright. Protective, like parents: Here to keep things in order, to monitor and hold me to account.

The Creator
ENERGY: BRIGHT, high. Pacing, bouncing, excited, eyes wide open–open open!!–grabby, loud, unconstrained, seeking, querying, integrating, exploring, inviting.
POSTURE: Tall, wide, constantly in motion, gesturing enthusiastically. Leaning in close, tight, then expanding in victory pose.
WARDROBE: Light fabrics, comfy, that move with her, sleeves pushed up. Flowy, light colored florals, maybe. Hair tied back neatly and practically, pretty.
AT THE TABLE: A bit more regulated. Sitting upright, alert, looking and listening for opportunities to jump on and start new projects–attuned to integration openings. Encouraging to others at the table.

The Learner/Scholar
ENERGY: Also bright, but much calmer than Creator. Studious. Curious. Slower, more cognitive, pulling on all files (well organized and deep) of past learning to apply to new information/knowledge. Serious yet open, smart, sharp, prides herself on seeing connections that others may miss. Confident and strong; powerful.
POSTURE: Upright, usually sitting–pen in mouth, hands flying over keyboard, perusing images, graphs, abstracts, articles.
WARDROBE: Work clothes. Well fitted and professional, bright tops and black bottoms, stylish but practical footwear.
AT THE TABLE: Sits back, content and confident to have made contributions in advance. Knows that learnings are there to access–like proud elder ready to watch others apply. This one surprised me as it emerged.

The Driver
ENERGY: Impatient, urgent, prodding; but also proud and encouraging–confident in me–knows my power and potential. Humming vibration of motivation, always in gear, never neutral.
POSTURE: Crouching? Always in ready position–to push, to tow, to squat, to DRIVE. Tense, contracted, high muscle tone, not relaxed.
WARDROBE: Workout clothes? Warm up suit like a coach? Or maybe Asian Grandma.
AT THE TABLE: Sits next to Body Shamer? They are both there to motivate, to hold accountable; they hold standards (but whose?). Alert, worried that the rest of the voices will slack and derail? Feels proud and satisfied as long as the conference persists, the dialogue, activity, and motion continue.

The Connector/Lover
ENERGY: LOVING. Open, kissy, huggy, sticky, curious, wants to know everybody deeply. Forceful with light and power, like Creator but directed at individual people rather than ideas and projects. The human origin of the happy/excited emoji string. Mantra is, “This person has something great to offer and I will find and amplify it!”
POSTURE: In. your. face, grinning. Bouncy high energy like Creator; standing, jumping, hugging, gesturing, and with wildly expressive facial expressions.
WARDROBE: Comfy clothes–oversized fleece, cardigans, big sleeves, black leggings. Envelop-you-and-me clothes, to cuddle and cradle coffee mugs together. Soft colors, fluffy socks, stuffies and plushies close by.
AT THE TABLE: SMILING. Bouncing to tell the story about the last amazing conversation and turn to Learner and Creator to see how to incorporate/integrate it with existing files about humanity and relationships, eagerly awaiting the ‘next assignment’ or opportunity to meet someone new. Giddiness barely contained.

The Carer
ENERGY: Serene. Calm. Not quite solemn but much better regulated than Creator and Connector. Adjacent to Learner? Work Cathy = Learner + Carer. Attentive, intent on listening, hearing, sensing, attuning. Open, welcoming, nonjudgmental. Empathic, not just empathetic. Like Connector but more focused and aimed deeper.
POSTURE: Leaning in, steady, high eye contact, but not invasive. Slow, close, sitting; not fidgety.
WARDROBE: Lunch clothes–between gym and work. Dressy yoga pants, comfy and flattering top, whatever allows for attention to be all on the other person.
AT THE TABLE: Calm like Learner, present and not that loud. Not that much to say; presence is known, felt, counted on. Learner and Carer chair the committee most of the time, I think.

The Crusader/Campaigner (ENFP of 16 Personalities)
ENERGY: HIGH. In motion, driving forward with purpose. Holds the ‘Our Relationships Save Us’ banner high and marches in front. Steady, no matter where she walks her presence is felt and known, encouraging and motivating–the cheerLEADER.
POSTURE: A little like Driver, crouching to rise up in conduction of the stadium wave, pacing the sidelines, pep talking and, of course, gesturing.
WARDROBE: Sporty, versatile, can be dressed up or down to go from work to give a talk to casual social event. Stretchy, bright fabrics, chunky heeled Dansko Mary Janes for marching in practical comfort and style.
AT THE TABLE: Like Creator looking for signs/opportunities to move the group, to integrate all voices in the direction of the Why and our Just Cause: to elevate all relationships we touch. Sees herself as the reminder of mission; operates the Bat Signal.

The Cynic
ENERGY: Male. Holding back, untrusting; a resistance. Sticky on the floor, high friction. Reserved, hesitant, almost disengaged–inhibited. Opposite energy of Connector and Creator. Narrow, cautious, not native to the group. Not unwelcome but not allowed to lead.
POSTURE: Quiet, upright but not forceful; alert and attentive, respectful. Listening for risk, ready to soothe and validate when other voices get despondent about connection thwarted or need a moment to vent and swear about how ‘people suck.’ Knows seat at table is guaranteed, valued, and purposeful; knows when to speak and not.
WARDROBE: Not mine. White button down dress shirt and gray trousers. Never changes, no color, bland.
AT THE TABLE: Straight and stiff, non-effusive. Quiet, but not afraid to speak; knows that his voice will be treated critically, not dismissed but heavily scrutinized. He can be humorous–the cutting, sarcastic, fatalistic variety. May have an alter ego who shows up as East Asian Woman Comedian?

The Committee/Counselors
ENERGY: Respectful, purposeful, collegial, all in the metaphorical boat, rowing in the same direction, their backs fully in it, no question.
Each voice holds its own space, self-regulating and interacting calmly, offering others the curiosity and openness that is my ethos.
AGENDA: Whatever occupies my consciousness at the time; one or more of the voices may be agitated and even in conflict. They come to the table ready to negotiate in good faith, assuming the best of one another, always on the same team. Ambivalent advocacy is okay; adversarial is not.
GOALS, METRICS, OUTCOMES: Align, Assign, Act, Assess, Repeat. Hey, A5R! 😀

Newly convened, I now get to decide how often my Inner Voice Committee/Counsel of Self will gather and commune hereafter.
This could be awesome.

Recognize. Rest. Regulate.

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“When you’re stressed out you think the marriage is bad.”

Hubs had this insight about me years ago and I immediately dismissed it as ridiculous. Thankfully months (years?) later I admitted the accuracy of his assessment and have worked to recognize the phenomenon in real time, so as to self-regulate and avoid immersing in false stories, making myself and others suffer unnecessarily.

So what story do I tell about the emotional roller coaster that was this past week? I had a ‘this marriage sucks’ moment some weeks ago and nipped it; I think I can avoid that hole in the sidewalk more reliably now. Yesterday felt particularly low, and I scrambled to make sense of it–the physician’s diagnostic and therapeutic mind taking over. The rabbit hole beckoned. But as of tonight I can put down the dissection tools. Life calls me to just be in it, whatever it is, without judgment, resistance, or exposition, for now. But I thought I’d document the thought and emotion journey here, for my own records, and also to see if anyone else can relate.

It all started 8 days ago when I realized suddenly that I would drive Daughter to college in six (now five) weeks. In one of those rapid cinematic zoom-in moments of the mind, everything about my life changed in that heartbeat; a new, irrevocable perspective emerged and disrupted everything, even as I had thought myself flowing with life’s predictable evolution rather smoothly. As if called forth by magic, strong and conflicting emotions rose in a whirlwind and began a multidimensional tug of war with my psyche in the ensuing days.

Excitement: Now after twenty-two years of primary parenthood, the last paragraphs of this chapter are only a few pages away–how will Kids and I write them? It’s been long and arduous, fraught and heavy with responsibility and fear of failure, my Book of Parenting. It’s also inarticulably rewarding and edifying–talk about the headwinds that shape us–I could not be happier about how we’ve all turned out. My children have made me a deeper, more thoughtful, more empathetic, smarter, and stronger person that I imagine I would otherwise be. I cannot wait to watch them thrive in adulthood; they are ready and powerful.

Guilt: But what about all of my parenting fuck-ups? When and how will those come back to bite us all in the butt, and hard? Whenever I admire my kids with pride and joy, guilt always lurks somewhere in the bushes nearby. *sigh* Oh well, what’s done is done; all I can do now is continue to learn and apply, and apologize and ask for forgiveness when needed.

Optimism: Dinner with an old college friend mid-week revealed our shared attitude toward artificial intelligence–one of immense potential and serious concern that self-serving and short-term reward and profit-driven impulses will overtake collaborative and holistic ones in its development and applications. We resolved, therefore, to combine our platforms somehow to amplify and advocate for the latter, and to find and rally fellow early adopters of that cause.

Self-loathing: This one is acute. Remember when I wrote how I’m getting okay with being squishy and strong? I did not lie, but as with so many things, my feeling brain does not agree with my thinking brain. As of today, I hate my appearance, especially the shape of my body as I see it in photographs. When I look in the mirror with clothes on, I honestly think I look okay. Not as lean as I’d like and as I once was, but not horrible. Then I look at pictures and absolutely cringe. How fascinating! Even as I feel stable, strong, flexible, agile, and resilient in my body, even as I recognize my remarkably healthy constitution, both physical and psychological, I cannot seem to shake this one severe self-judgment–at least for now.
*deep breath*

So the marriage is fine, my stress mind says. But now I’m not at all good enough myself?
How fascinating again.

Middle age. Menopause. Impending empty nest. Severe geopolitical chaos and uncertainty. Deep and meaningful connections and relationships. Rising liberation and agency in expertise and wisdom. “No longer stupid, not yet infirm.”

I recognize the laden morass of intersecting contexts of my life, its weight and density.
I resolve to rest my mind and spirit, to breathe deeply. I can be with and get through it, to find my most authentic and honest way, one breath at a time.
I can regulate my thoughts, stories, words, actions, reactions, and relationships according to my values and integrity. I can live a life with low risk for severe regrets, if I slow down, be, and do me.
Everything is and will be okay.

Healing Through Connection

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“How did you get to be so kind, generous, compassionate, empathetic, self-aware, thoughtful, and creative?”

I asked this of someone I admire recently, and then considered all the other people I know and admire to whom I’d ask the same thing. Knowing what I know about their lives, here is my story.

We emit and express these qualities from at least two origins:

First, we have felt them from other people. We were open to and received kindness, compassion, empathy, thoughtfulness–love, basically–from fellow humans. It was role modeled to us. Second, we experienced challenges, struggles, and pain that taught us the value and importance of having this love in our lives. As I think more, these experiences–feeling loved and supported in times of crisis and pain–integrate to make us stronger and more resilient, more grounded in ourselves and open to relationship with others. This is the essence of Healing Through Connection.

Consider the folks you know who exude these qualities. I bet you could easily describe them as Strong and Soft, vulnerable and courageous, with a depth, mass, and volume that can hold space and tolerance for a wide and divergent field of ideas and experiences, even and especially conflicting and paradoxical ones. They are the ones we seek when we long to feel this wideness, this grace.

Then I think about how the opposite happens: When in times of existential crisis and pain we feel isolated, unperceiving of love and support. Just thinking about it evokes a deep sadness, an instant recognition of profound loneliness that seeks immediate relief. What is this dynamic? How does it happen that someone faces pain and struggle truly alone and devoid of kindness, empathy, compassion, and grace–of any connection–shown to them? I know it happens, and I am likely guilty of ignoring or simply being oblivious to other’s struggles as I go about my own busy life.

So when I come across someone who exudes the opposite of kindness, empathy, compassion, generosity, openness, and grace, what story do I tell about that? How does my story, told subconsciously and automatically, then affect and even dictate how I show up to that person? How might I modify and optimize my default story to then raise the likelihood that I will interact with this person in a way that connects and heals?

We’re living in tumultuous and fraught times, friends. The stories we tell about one another, the presence or absence of love in our daily encounters, matter more now than ever. Look around you for the role models. See how they move through life with ease and joy, resilience and hope, optimism despite everything. Observe them, query them, emulate them. Feel the rewards of connection with them, and amplify that.

It’s never too late, and no action is ever too little, to Heal Through Connection.