Category Archives: communication

The Inner Voice Committee: My Counsel of Self

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“Your inner critic is not usually this loud.”

Thank God for dear friends. Readers of this blog know my deep gratitude for Donna, who has lifted me out of funks now more times than I can count. Yesterday after a kickass (as in it kicked my ass) workout at Redefined Fitness and while inhaling our eggs and potatoes at Egg Harbor, she helped me work through my latest mental morass. ‘Breakthrough’ could be an understatement.

What are our inner voices? What do they tell us? What purpose do they serve?
I quote some of mine:
“I am fat. Other people must feel disgust when they look at me.”
“I am awesome: loving, connected, attuned, smart, holistic, and integrative.”
“I am not enough; must do more, be more, show more, lead more, leave more good behind.”
“I have too many gifts to have been earned–must have been a martyr in a past life–thus I must give back and pay forward.”
“I just love me.”
“I have really fucked up _______ and ________, omg.”

So much paradox! And it’s not quite noise or cacophony, more like a dissonant symphony, full of musicians committed to playing together but just not always on the same page or in the same key? Not totally worked out that metaphor yet. But another one emerged suddenly and strongly, and the ideas below flowed as if out of a fire hose:

My Inner Voices each have a persona, and they sit in conference at the round table of my being. In the 16 hours after brunch with Donna, I have now identified eight of them and given them names. I have gotten still and closed my eyes, feeling their energy. I sense their posture and see their wardrobe. The image of their presence at the table, individually and collectively, reframes my attitude toward them all, and I am both surprised and not at all of it. I shake my head in utter appreciation of my friend, for seeing me, whole and unbroken, if a bit unbalanced. Turns out my Gallup strengths show up a lot in my Voices: Input, Maximizer, Positivity, Connectedness, Learner.
Thank you, Donna, for your loving, honest, clear, and shining reflection of my self. I hope I do the same for you.

This will be long, my friends. It’s all for me–to document today so I may look back in the future and see where I was and how the path will have unfolded hence. I’m so excited.
And I wonder how it may stimulate your own Counsel of Self?

The Body Shamer
ENERGY: Low and negative. Fear, externally focused. Not calm, rather anxious. Low agency–fascinating! Not angry, but judgmental. Fearful of losing control, of irrevocable descent into fatness and all of the limitations thereof.
POSTURE: Small. Hunched but staring, as if from a dark corner–dark in general, almost nauseated; pointing.
WARDROBE: Darkly robed in rough, uncomfortable fabric.
AT THE TABLE: Sitting upright. Protective, like parents: Here to keep things in order, to monitor and hold me to account.

The Creator
ENERGY: BRIGHT, high. Pacing, bouncing, excited, eyes wide open–open open!!–grabby, loud, unconstrained, seeking, querying, integrating, exploring, inviting.
POSTURE: Tall, wide, constantly in motion, gesturing enthusiastically. Leaning in close, tight, then expanding in victory pose.
WARDROBE: Light fabrics, comfy, that move with her, sleeves pushed up. Flowy, light colored florals, maybe. Hair tied back neatly and practically, pretty.
AT THE TABLE: A bit more regulated. Sitting upright, alert, looking and listening for opportunities to jump on and start new projects–attuned to integration openings. Encouraging to others at the table.

The Learner/Scholar
ENERGY: Also bright, but much calmer than Creator. Studious. Curious. Slower, more cognitive, pulling on all files (well organized and deep) of past learning to apply to new information/knowledge. Serious yet open, smart, sharp, prides herself on seeing connections that others may miss. Confident and strong; powerful.
POSTURE: Upright, usually sitting–pen in mouth, hands flying over keyboard, perusing images, graphs, abstracts, articles.
WARDROBE: Work clothes. Well fitted and professional, bright tops and black bottoms, stylish but practical footwear.
AT THE TABLE: Sits back, content and confident to have made contributions in advance. Knows that learnings are there to access–like proud elder ready to watch others apply. This one surprised me as it emerged.

The Driver
ENERGY: Impatient, urgent, prodding; but also proud and encouraging–confident in me–knows my power and potential. Humming vibration of motivation, always in gear, never neutral.
POSTURE: Crouching? Always in ready position–to push, to tow, to squat, to DRIVE. Tense, contracted, high muscle tone, not relaxed.
WARDROBE: Workout clothes? Warm up suit like a coach? Or maybe Asian Grandma.
AT THE TABLE: Sits next to Body Shamer? They are both there to motivate, to hold accountable; they hold standards (but whose?). Alert, worried that the rest of the voices will slack and derail? Feels proud and satisfied as long as the conference persists, the dialogue, activity, and motion continue.

The Connector/Lover
ENERGY: LOVING. Open, kissy, huggy, sticky, curious, wants to know everybody deeply. Forceful with light and power, like Creator but directed at individual people rather than ideas and projects. The human origin of the happy/excited emoji string. Mantra is, “This person has something great to offer and I will find and amplify it!”
POSTURE: In. your. face, grinning. Bouncy high energy like Creator; standing, jumping, hugging, gesturing, and with wildly expressive facial expressions.
WARDROBE: Comfy clothes–oversized fleece, cardigans, big sleeves, black leggings. Envelop-you-and-me clothes, to cuddle and cradle coffee mugs together. Soft colors, fluffy socks, stuffies and plushies close by.
AT THE TABLE: SMILING. Bouncing to tell the story about the last amazing conversation and turn to Learner and Creator to see how to incorporate/integrate it with existing files about humanity and relationships, eagerly awaiting the ‘next assignment’ or opportunity to meet someone new. Giddiness barely contained.

The Carer
ENERGY: Serene. Calm. Not quite solemn but much better regulated than Creator and Connector. Adjacent to Learner? Work Cathy = Learner + Carer. Attentive, intent on listening, hearing, sensing, attuning. Open, welcoming, nonjudgmental. Empathic, not just empathetic. Like Connector but more focused and aimed deeper.
POSTURE: Leaning in, steady, high eye contact, but not invasive. Slow, close, sitting; not fidgety.
WARDROBE: Lunch clothes–between gym and work. Dressy yoga pants, comfy and flattering top, whatever allows for attention to be all on the other person.
AT THE TABLE: Calm like Learner, present and not that loud. Not that much to say; presence is known, felt, counted on. Learner and Carer chair the committee most of the time, I think.

The Crusader/Campaigner (ENFP of 16 Personalities)
ENERGY: HIGH. In motion, driving forward with purpose. Holds the ‘Our Relationships Save Us’ banner high and marches in front. Steady, no matter where she walks her presence is felt and known, encouraging and motivating–the cheerLEADER.
POSTURE: A little like Driver, crouching to rise up in conduction of the stadium wave, pacing the sidelines, pep talking and, of course, gesturing.
WARDROBE: Sporty, versatile, can be dressed up or down to go from work to give a talk to casual social event. Stretchy, bright fabrics, chunky heeled Dansko Mary Janes for marching in practical comfort and style.
AT THE TABLE: Like Creator looking for signs/opportunities to move the group, to integrate all voices in the direction of the Why and our Just Cause: to elevate all relationships we touch. Sees herself as the reminder of mission; operates the Bat Signal.

The Cynic
ENERGY: Male. Holding back, untrusting; a resistance. Sticky on the floor, high friction. Reserved, hesitant, almost disengaged–inhibited. Opposite energy of Connector and Creator. Narrow, cautious, not native to the group. Not unwelcome but not allowed to lead.
POSTURE: Quiet, upright but not forceful; alert and attentive, respectful. Listening for risk, ready to soothe and validate when other voices get despondent about connection thwarted or need a moment to vent and swear about how ‘people suck.’ Knows seat at table is guaranteed, valued, and purposeful; knows when to speak and not.
WARDROBE: Not mine. White button down dress shirt and gray trousers. Never changes, no color, bland.
AT THE TABLE: Straight and stiff, non-effusive. Quiet, but not afraid to speak; knows that his voice will be treated critically, not dismissed but heavily scrutinized. He can be humorous–the cutting, sarcastic, fatalistic variety. May have an alter ego who shows up as East Asian Woman Comedian?

The Committee/Counselors
ENERGY: Respectful, purposeful, collegial, all in the metaphorical boat, rowing in the same direction, their backs fully in it, no question.
Each voice holds its own space, self-regulating and interacting calmly, offering others the curiosity and openness that is my ethos.
AGENDA: Whatever occupies my consciousness at the time; one or more of the voices may be agitated and even in conflict. They come to the table ready to negotiate in good faith, assuming the best of one another, always on the same team. Ambivalent advocacy is okay; adversarial is not.
GOALS, METRICS, OUTCOMES: Align, Assign, Act, Assess, Repeat. Hey, A5R! 😀

Newly convened, I now get to decide how often my Inner Voice Committee/Counsel of Self will gather and commune hereafter.
This could be awesome.

Healing Through Connection

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“How did you get to be so kind, generous, compassionate, empathetic, self-aware, thoughtful, and creative?”

I asked this of someone I admire recently, and then considered all the other people I know and admire to whom I’d ask the same thing. Knowing what I know about their lives, here is my story.

We emit and express these qualities from at least two origins:

First, we have felt them from other people. We were open to and received kindness, compassion, empathy, thoughtfulness–love, basically–from fellow humans. It was role modeled to us. Second, we experienced challenges, struggles, and pain that taught us the value and importance of having this love in our lives. As I think more, these experiences–feeling loved and supported in times of crisis and pain–integrate to make us stronger and more resilient, more grounded in ourselves and open to relationship with others. This is the essence of Healing Through Connection.

Consider the folks you know who exude these qualities. I bet you could easily describe them as Strong and Soft, vulnerable and courageous, with a depth, mass, and volume that can hold space and tolerance for a wide and divergent field of ideas and experiences, even and especially conflicting and paradoxical ones. They are the ones we seek when we long to feel this wideness, this grace.

Then I think about how the opposite happens: When in times of existential crisis and pain we feel isolated, unperceiving of love and support. Just thinking about it evokes a deep sadness, an instant recognition of profound loneliness that seeks immediate relief. What is this dynamic? How does it happen that someone faces pain and struggle truly alone and devoid of kindness, empathy, compassion, and grace–of any connection–shown to them? I know it happens, and I am likely guilty of ignoring or simply being oblivious to other’s struggles as I go about my own busy life.

So when I come across someone who exudes the opposite of kindness, empathy, compassion, generosity, openness, and grace, what story do I tell about that? How does my story, told subconsciously and automatically, then affect and even dictate how I show up to that person? How might I modify and optimize my default story to then raise the likelihood that I will interact with this person in a way that connects and heals?

We’re living in tumultuous and fraught times, friends. The stories we tell about one another, the presence or absence of love in our daily encounters, matter more now than ever. Look around you for the role models. See how they move through life with ease and joy, resilience and hope, optimism despite everything. Observe them, query them, emulate them. Feel the rewards of connection with them, and amplify that.

It’s never too late, and no action is ever too little, to Heal Through Connection.

Compassionate Consistency

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Chojun Textile & Quilt Art Museum, Seoul, South Korea

Am I walking the talk?

It’s been a week, friends—I shall spare you the details.  Suffice it to say that somewhere along the way I started to ask myself the question above.  As I prepare to kick off a series of wellness presentations based on the idea that we Lead from Any Chair—that how we show up for ourselves and others has power and impact whether we intend it or not—I must check in on my own integrity.  How do I show up?

I jotted notes for an “Impact and Impairment” post a few days ago:

Progression of stress:  What are the first signs, when and what do I notice?  Are they thoughts?  Body sensations?  Moods?  What are the smoke alarms, and can others detect them before I can?  What do I do in response to awareness?  How am I impacted by this stress right now—sleep, workouts, eating?  And how is my function?  Am I getting everything done that needs doing and would I notice impairment soon enough and have the resources to recover?  What does the housefire look and feel like?

Lazy Susan unicycle:  I can’t remember the last time I thought of this image, which I wrote on this blog many years ago.  Sometimes life feels like holding a lazy Susan in each hand, loaded with life things and spinning in opposite directions, while unicycling through traffic wearing a scratchy pant suit.  That it came to me this week felt like a sign that I felt the impact of everything, no question—volume, intensity, risk—all my stress management skills and mantras called forth and tested:
ODOMOBaaT
Goals and trade-offs
Do what you can
Do what works
Commit and Flex

After my last commitment on Friday I could finally breathe and relax.  All I wanted to do was cut and write jar smiles.  It was positively meditative and recharging, for hours while listening to romantasy in the most delicious voices—that was all day and night yesterday—ready to attack today!  Then the WiFi crashed at home (fixed now, thanks Hubs).  No problem, there’s a café down the street, I could cram all internet-requiring tasks into a single time window and crank through.  I’ got this!

I started to wonder how constraints like this could make me more efficient in general, which led me to question my own capacity for discipline.  I estimated it as moderate, and the words ‘good enough’ emerged with force.  How do we define ‘good enough’?  Looking back, I compared my grades in high school to college and med school, and realized that what mattered was not the grades themselves, but whether I thought I was showing up to my full potential, and whether it mattered to me.  Whatever grade I got was ‘good enough’ as long as I had done the work that was worth the costs to me at the time.  In retrospect, I have always had a strong intrinsic sense of the value of my energy and effort.  Except for some parts of residency, I have rarely self-sacrificed or burned out in any pursuit that I can recall. 

I found the lower limit of my half-assedness in college, when my life task balance seesaw hit the ground with a resounding thud.  It was the first quarter of physics—mechanics.  I hate physics.  Hubs and I were just starting to date.  I chose to hang out with him rather than study the week of the second midterm and failed the exam spectacularly.  I got a C for the class; that did not feel good.  I have studied enough and not failed another exam since.

Morning pages.  Exercise.  Blog writing.  Patient care.  Parenting.  “Yes, I am disciplined and also flexible,” I journaled today—in the morning but not formally as Morning Pages.  “Consistency…80/20?  I am consistent enough to get the results I want—mostly…”  I don’t have the body I want (very ambivalent relationship with my body at the moment—more on that another post, perhaps); yet I put forth all the effort I can muster each day in that direction.  “For now, I feel ok with my body the way it is because I know in my thinking brain that I am strong and healthy… And in my feeling brain I still kind of hate how fat I am now compared to before…  But would I rather be that shape and weaker?  Hmmm… I think given the choice, I might actually choose me now.”  That felt good, and I’m glad I took the time to write it out.

“All or something,” says The Betty Rocker

I concur. 

When I look at the long arc of action in the domains that matter—exercise, patient care, relationships, and even nutrition, where healthy habits are still such a struggle—I show up consistently and reliably with my core values, highest goals, and integrity in front.  When things get heavy and stressful I feel it, as we all do.  It’s very uncomfortable and I don’t like it.  I think it’s fair to question my responses, to assess whether I do what I recommend to others in such circumstances, and what I have written every week on this blog for the past decade.

Our culture pressures us to be perfect.  Impossible.  Traffic gets heavy, the suit gets sweaty, and things fly off the lazy Suzan.  Sometimes we must put it all down and reset.  Then we get back on, maybe with lighter loads on smaller roads.  We get to decide.  Slowing down and taking time to look behind, here, and ahead can help ground us in perspective and confidence that we are indeed showing up how we want—compassionately and consistently.