Category Archives: culture

Compassionate Consistency

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Chojun Textile & Quilt Art Museum, Seoul, South Korea

Am I walking the talk?

It’s been a week, friends—I shall spare you the details.  Suffice it to say that somewhere along the way I started to ask myself the question above.  As I prepare to kick off a series of wellness presentations based on the idea that we Lead from Any Chair—that how we show up for ourselves and others has power and impact whether we intend it or not—I must check in on my own integrity.  How do I show up?

I jotted notes for an “Impact and Impairment” post a few days ago:

Progression of stress:  What are the first signs, when and what do I notice?  Are they thoughts?  Body sensations?  Moods?  What are the smoke alarms, and can others detect them before I can?  What do I do in response to awareness?  How am I impacted by this stress right now—sleep, workouts, eating?  And how is my function?  Am I getting everything done that needs doing and would I notice impairment soon enough and have the resources to recover?  What does the housefire look and feel like?

Lazy Susan unicycle:  I can’t remember the last time I thought of this image, which I wrote on this blog many years ago.  Sometimes life feels like holding a lazy Susan in each hand, loaded with life things and spinning in opposite directions, while unicycling through traffic wearing a scratchy pant suit.  That it came to me this week felt like a sign that I felt the impact of everything, no question—volume, intensity, risk—all my stress management skills and mantras called forth and tested:
ODOMOBaaT
Goals and trade-offs
Do what you can
Do what works
Commit and Flex

After my last commitment on Friday I could finally breathe and relax.  All I wanted to do was cut and write jar smiles.  It was positively meditative and recharging, for hours while listening to romantasy in the most delicious voices—that was all day and night yesterday—ready to attack today!  Then the WiFi crashed at home (fixed now, thanks Hubs).  No problem, there’s a café down the street, I could cram all internet-requiring tasks into a single time window and crank through.  I’ got this!

I started to wonder how constraints like this could make me more efficient in general, which led me to question my own capacity for discipline.  I estimated it as moderate, and the words ‘good enough’ emerged with force.  How do we define ‘good enough’?  Looking back, I compared my grades in high school to college and med school, and realized that what mattered was not the grades themselves, but whether I thought I was showing up to my full potential, and whether it mattered to me.  Whatever grade I got was ‘good enough’ as long as I had done the work that was worth the costs to me at the time.  In retrospect, I have always had a strong intrinsic sense of the value of my energy and effort.  Except for some parts of residency, I have rarely self-sacrificed or burned out in any pursuit that I can recall. 

I found the lower limit of my half-assedness in college, when my life task balance seesaw hit the ground with a resounding thud.  It was the first quarter of physics—mechanics.  I hate physics.  Hubs and I were just starting to date.  I chose to hang out with him rather than study the week of the second midterm and failed the exam spectacularly.  I got a C for the class; that did not feel good.  I have studied enough and not failed another exam since.

Morning pages.  Exercise.  Blog writing.  Patient care.  Parenting.  “Yes, I am disciplined and also flexible,” I journaled today—in the morning but not formally as Morning Pages.  “Consistency…80/20?  I am consistent enough to get the results I want—mostly…”  I don’t have the body I want (very ambivalent relationship with my body at the moment—more on that another post, perhaps); yet I put forth all the effort I can muster each day in that direction.  “For now, I feel ok with my body the way it is because I know in my thinking brain that I am strong and healthy… And in my feeling brain I still kind of hate how fat I am now compared to before…  But would I rather be that shape and weaker?  Hmmm… I think given the choice, I might actually choose me now.”  That felt good, and I’m glad I took the time to write it out.

“All or something,” says The Betty Rocker

I concur. 

When I look at the long arc of action in the domains that matter—exercise, patient care, relationships, and even nutrition, where healthy habits are still such a struggle—I show up consistently and reliably with my core values, highest goals, and integrity in front.  When things get heavy and stressful I feel it, as we all do.  It’s very uncomfortable and I don’t like it.  I think it’s fair to question my responses, to assess whether I do what I recommend to others in such circumstances, and what I have written every week on this blog for the past decade.

Our culture pressures us to be perfect.  Impossible.  Traffic gets heavy, the suit gets sweaty, and things fly off the lazy Suzan.  Sometimes we must put it all down and reset.  Then we get back on, maybe with lighter loads on smaller roads.  We get to decide.  Slowing down and taking time to look behind, here, and ahead can help ground us in perspective and confidence that we are indeed showing up how we want—compassionately and consistently.

Owning Our Leadership: Ethos Self-Efficacy Session 2

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How do you lead?

I like to ask a question at the start of a post because it feels like an invitation… Like I’m starting a conversation. Because the purpose of this blog is not just to express my own thoughts and ideas, but to connect with others who are willing and excited to engage with them and me. I just never know when, where or who the next great connection will be, and it’s one of the best uncertainties in life.

As I prepared for my second self-efficacy session at Ethos today, all I wanted to do was explore questions. I know my own approach to leadership, how I have evolved in my own practice of it, etc. And I am happy to ‘impart’ any of that to anyone who asks, but these self-efficacy sessions are meant to stimulate attendees’ own explorations and assessments. I am simply the facilitator. So I came with more queries than teachings. Looking back, I wish I had invited more questions as well. Learning for next time!

The group was small, five of us who know each other already, three who attended my first session in March. No dry erase writing this time, just slow, thoughtful reflection and sharing. I know now that regardless of audience size or composition, I can show up loving and present, and navigate any dynamic with a strong rudder of openness and connection. And I’m rewarded so generously every time.

Words that recurred today included energy, empathy, together, expectation, growth, awareness, humility, discomfort, vulnerability, and love, among others. I will continue to reflect on my friends’ insights and expressions, and learn from them. Please find below the questions I prepared, as well as a few that emerged in conversation. We did end up discussing most of them, without feeling rushed or forced. It all flowed in easy, loving exchange. We led ourselves and one another in exactly the way I had hoped we would, and I am nothing but grateful.

I hope you experience excellent leadership in your life, dear reader–both of you and by you. And if you are unclear or unsure how to lead well or better, may opportunities for clarity and confidence meet you soon on your journey.

Oh, and in case you have not already considered:
Assuming you are a leader in any given space, regardless of title or status, how does this affect/change how you show up, to yourself and to others?
If you knew you could lead from any chair in the orchestra of your family, your work organization, and humanity, how would you play?

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Ethos: Own Your Leadership
June 22, 2025

Curious – philosophical – concrete –> Apply

Why here today? Curious about…?
What is leadership?
How do we know we’re being led?
How do we know we’re leading?

What is your first act of leadership in memory (mine was in preschool)?
–What was the outcome/consequence?
–What did it teach you?

What is your leadership style and (how) does it change with context?
–How has it evolved over time (drift)?
–Any seminal experiences that shifted it?

How do we feel when led well?
How do you want those you lead to feel–about themselves, the work, and you?
–How does this inform how you show up?
–How do you think/assume/// they want to feel?

What feedback have you gotten about your leadership?
What feedback have you given about others’?
What are the compontents of effective feedback, both giving and receiving?

Movement In Community

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“I think you can do it.”

Sometimes all it takes is a few little words from a coach or friend and suddenly we can do so much more than we thought:  Lift more weight.  Pull harder and faster on the rower.  Dead hang longer.  Try a movement that reveals a fun and challenging new world of training potential.  Two years into regular group strength training at Ethos, the benefits continue to multiply, both physically and psychologically.   I’m stronger now than I’ve been in my whole life (that I know of—I never tried deadlifting 185# in high school); I feel confident now that I could lift my parents if they fall, without hurting myself.  Suddenly I feel a surge of confidence and empowerment to be bolder and braver in other domains of life.  And it’s all because I love training at Ethos. 

Over a decade ago, Melissa Orth-Fray taught me the five factors that keep kids in sports and adults in a fitness routine:
1. It’s fun
2. Your friends are doing it
3. You feel like you fit in
4. You feel like you know what you’re doing
5. You feel like you’re getting better at it

Like many such lists, the factors intersect and overlap, no?  I’m much more likely to find exercise fun if I do it with my friends, I fit in with the group, and I feel like I know what I’m doing—these factors all speak to psychological safety.  These are limbic, back-of-the-brain factors, hence they are ‘feelings’ and not ‘thoughts.’  Decision making is more often more limbic than cognitive in origin, and discipline is much easier to maintain when action aligns directly with something that rewards an emotional drive—in this case, that innate drive for connection and community.   At Ethos, I get my fixes of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, and it’s all because of the people.

The 5am crew at Ethos has gathered regularly since the gym opened in 2019.  The core group has persisted through a pandemic and moving to a new location last year.  I queried them about their experience, and without fail the strongest responses spoke to the bond of camaraderie that could fairly be described as love.  Folks drive long distances to show up and train, to be accountable for themselves and one another in health and well-being.  They report mutual uplift not just in the workouts but in their personal lives, too.  They use words like support, trust, and belonging to describe their tight relationship.  They share their struggles and triumphs in life, not just their personal records (PRs) in the gym.  They are part of one another’s emotional support networks. 

When patients tell me they exercise alone, I must check my immediate desire to suggest otherwise.  It all depends on our goals and preferences, and solitary movement has its benefits.  The main benefits of coached and group settings are programming and presence. 

Programming:  Left to our own devices, we often avoid movements that we don’t enjoy and don’t feel competent at or comfortable with.  Over time this can lead to insidious asymmetries that put us at risk for injury not just in the gym, but moving around in life.  Over a year at Ethos, three weeks at a time, training blocks are designed to improve strength and conditioning in iterative fashion, each block building on preceding ones.  Sprint and endurance, power and isometrics—it’s all included in the program and all we have to do is show up.  We get to learn the rationale and distinction between various movements and relate gym exercises to activities of daily living.  When injured or limited in some way, coaches can always modify or find alternative movements to keep us active; at home we might just quit, not knowing what else to do.  I recently noticed I barely use my chair at work anymore —I can stand at my desk all day with minimal fatigue.  I attribute this to two years of consistent training, though it was not a goal on my radar whatsoever.  I highly doubt I’d see this result just working out on my own.

Presence:  I can hear heart murmurs and abnormal lung sounds.  My coaches can see unpacked shoulders and caved knees.  They observe and correct, making us all safer to lift heavy loads with confidence.  Their encouragement and assistance further stoke our courage, allowing us to push and prove ourselves more capable than we could do for ourselves.  And it’s not just the 5am crew that bonds; my 9 and 11am friends and I cheer and celebrate our PRs together.  Movement in community is the best example of freudenfreude (joy at another’s joy) I can think of.  There is just something about sharing space in person, all of us working to better ourselves and supporting one another in doing so physically, morally, and otherwise.

Strong Old Ladies and Gentlemen.  This is my goal for us all.  We can get there many ways, and movement in community is my first recommendation for its myriad overlapping benefits.  Exercise benefits body and mind.  Exercise in community benefits the whole person.  It’s about relationships, of course; those cultivated in health are what save us.