What a privilege to be allowed into your life, your world, the space and time you inhabit in your own unique way. I know not everybody is invited; please know I do not take it for granted.
Your experience is your own and I cannot truly or fully understand, perhaps. But I can imagine. I will always do my best to be present to and for you–your joys, accomplishments, discoveries, epiphanies, sorrows, pain, and suffering. I will do my best to monitor and mitigate my own judgments and projections, and simply hold the space with and for you.
While I imagine how I might feel in your shoes, I will try harder to imagine how you feel in your shoes, and attend to that. I will be sparing with my advice and generous with the validation, though I know I stumble at that sometimes.
This witnessing, when mutual and reciprocal, nourishes my soul in ways I can hardly articulate. We take turns and also do it simultaneously, depending on what’s happening. We’ve been through a lot, not necessarily together, but each with the other witnessing. It is an act of volition, something we do on purpose for each other and our friendship. I feel the strength and support in real time, and the realization of the profound importance and impact of your seeing me is only fully apparent in hindsight. Wow.
How would we live, how would the world feel, if we all considered ourselves reverent witnesses of one another’s lives? If we attended to our collective psyches and hearts as if we were all kindergarteners crossing the street hand in hand?
What if we all just cared about each other a little more overtly and intetionally in this witnessing way?
Temple of Aesculapius, Villa Borghese, Rome, Italy
Huh. It’s all a jumble tonight.
Another dense week of patient care and life in a chaotic geopolitical environment. *deep breath* All I can say is, thank God for my friends. Without fail, they hold me up every day. Our conversations lift me; our connections nourish me. The exchange of ideas, the positive reinforcement of kindness, generosity, and optimism–they make life worth living!
How often do you find yourself asking your friends and loved ones lately, “How are you?” Where do you put the emphasis? How are you? How are you? How are you? Context matters, right? Yesterday that remark, today this event, tomorrow that executive order, next week a reversal. This friend’s lab shutting down and that friend’s project halted because funding is suddenly gravely uncertain. Legal immigrants getting detained, POC history erased from public visibility (then reinstated and called a mistake). All kinds of emotions, all over the place, just under the surface if not fully emergent, effusing, and utterly hijacking.
I had an amazing call with Mande and Sharon tonight, my wonderful friends from Braver Angels. None of us actively lead Braver Angels workshops anymore, but we meet on FaceTime monthly to discuss and mutually support one another in living its principles. For ninety minutes we shared, questioned, reflected, admired, and wondered. By the end of the call my mind was so full of ideas for this post that I could barely wait to write. I quickly jotted it all down and now here I sit, befuddled at the scope of it all. Each idea could be its own post! I share the list of ideas below to document it for myself, and also to show how rich conversations can be if we approach them with a certain mindset.
Curiosity
If you haven’t already, I highly recommend reading Curious by Ian Leslie. I have consumed this book about three times and what struck me most the last time was the origin of curiosity: the desire to know more about something. Curiosity does not emerge from a vacuum; it originates from a germ of information or knowledge that we then wonder about–when we recognize a gap between what’s already known and not, and seek to fill it in.
Too often now, Blue and Red voters assume that they already know everything there is to know about the other side and everybody on it. I see and hear an utter dearth of curiosity on both sides, so many people speaking and writing in sweeping assumptions, narrow conclusions, and disparaging judgments all around. Honestly, how can you know everything there is to know about any person just by how they voted in one election? You may say you don’t need to know anything more; you feel justified judging them wholly and disparagingly just based on that one act. You are entitiled to this position, of course. I just think it’s one of the foundational mindsets that drives our most toxic divisions.
When was the last time you learned something about someone that surprised you, or that you simply did not previously know about them? When was the last time you wondered about someone and acted on that curiosity in a nonjudgmental, open, and connecting way? When did you last connect with someone meaningfully across difference, finding something in common that brought you closer as fellow humans? Imagine if these were all regular occurrences in your daily life–how wonderful would that be? I submit that this life is absolutely attainable–all we have to do is get just a little more curious than we are today, and express that curiosity openly and without prejudice.
Humility
When did you last honestly admit that you don’t know something? When someone offered new information or knowledge, how open were you to receiving it? How open are you in general to admitting what you don’t know, to entertaining new ideas, to holding space for your mind to be changed on any given topic, to acknowledging that you may be wrong? I will look harder this week now that I have posed the question, but I don’t notice a lot of humility in political discourse on either side. What do we not know? What assumptions do we make, and then draw incorrect and potentially harmful conclusions, based on ignorance and worse, the delusion of certainty? What would a more humble existence feel like?
Emotions
Friend Sharon is so wise. She practices attunement, emotional awareness, self-regulation, and effective communication. She queried her own reactions, responses, and needs in the chaos and determined that in order to connect across difference, we need to address our feelings. Not rocket science, and also profoundly uncomfortable and threatening for so many of us. Imagine gathering under the premise of politics, and conducting a discussion in which you don’t actually talk about policy, politicians, or political happenings. Rather, you talk about how it all makes you feel, how your values are involved, and what you believe. How would your expressions necessarily change in that kind of conversation? Leave your opinions, judgments, and arguments at the door, folks. Let’s talk and connect from the heart. Wow. Sign me up. Wanna join in?
Take a look at the idea list at the bottom of this post. What piques your curiosity? Leave a comment and I can write about it next week.
Meanwhile, here is my most current To Be Listened (to–TBL) book list and some resources that I found helpful or fascinating(ly frustrating) this week.
Wishing you all a week of curiosity, humility, and connecting emotion!
Pete Buttigieg: on DEI–watch here and here his Substack his book Trust–fast, easy, accessible, and important–a blueprint for healing our divisions, one interaction and relationship at a time.
From The Guardian: “The US has blocked Canadian access to a library straddling the Canada-US border, drawing criticism from a Quebec town where people have long enjoyed easy entry to the space. “The Haskell Free Library and Opera House is located between Stanstead, Quebec, and Derby Line, Vermont. It was built deliberately to straddle the frontier between the two countries – a symbol of cooperation and friendship between Canada and the US. The library’s entrance is on the Vermont side. Previously, Canadian visitors were able to enter using the sidewalk and entrance on the American side but were encouraged to bring documentation, according to the library’s website. “Inside, a line of electrical tape demarcates the international boundary. About 60% of the building, including the books, is located in Canada. Upstairs, in the opera house, the audience sits in the US while the performers are in Canada. “Under the new rules, Canadians will need to go through a formal border crossing before entering the library.”
Personal leadership Known and unknown unknowns Unknown to known is a huge step IF we are willing to take it Openness Relationship DEI implementation methods, fairness, Buttigieg reel Cis het white male allies Historical romance as non-adversarial, powerful male-allied change agency Lie in the bed we made of burn down the patriarchy, all men suck Masculine and feminine energy in balance What if we recorded our calls How would we monitor and modify our words Sharon’s workshop: feelings, values, and beliefs only. No judgments, no ad hominem, no politics. Connect across difference through shared humanity–harder than anyone anticipated Vulnerability Psychological safety Woman doc bad exprience Past adverse experiences that make us rigid, eg blood transfusion story Stories we know nothing about that drive others’ thoughts feelings and behaviors
But my life is being disrupted by how I feel: Unwell. Not myself!
–But the tests are all normal. I can’t figure it out. Therefore you must be fine.
Why won’t you listen to me? It feels like you don’t care.
–[It’s not that I don’t care.] –[My training has not taught me now to cope with things I cannot solve.] –[The system rewards me for more encounters, more tests, and not necessarily more thought, presence, patience, empathy, compassion, or humility.] –[The culture of my profession resists uncertainty, vulnerability, and holistic complexity.]
[Maybe I really am fine; am I just imagining the unwell?]
–[I wish I had time to sit with folks… to find and ask better questions, to observe, to really listen… to show the care that I felt called to give back when I started…]
I feel unwell.
–Please, tell me more… –Hmmm. That’s interesting–some things fit together, others don’t. –Here’s what I’m thinking; let’s do this; talk soon.
I’m still unwell. And here’s what’s happening now.
–Huh. Fascinating. Tests all look normal. Something doesn’t fit. –Tell me more, again? –This is not like you. We have not seen this before for you. I actually don’t see this in general. Huh. Then again, some of this fits exactly with how I know you. –Okay next steps; talk soon.
Gaaah, still unwell! What is going on?
–I’m so sorry. Let’s review again, please? –[What am I missing, not seeing? Do I need to get closer up or further back?] –OK time to get help. [Who has a different perspective and can really broaden mine here?]
–You’re not fine. –But how are you still okay? Let’s maintain that, and still work on the unwell.
–I’m here. With you. I’m not going anywhere. And we will keep getting other help. –We will get through it. –Together.
Healing Through Connection 