Category Archives: culture

Love

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AIYAH LOVE!! *sigh* Let’s see, romance, presence, leadership, accountability, integrity, forgiveness, self-compassion, relationships–the majority of my topics this month overlap deeply with love. And of all the practices I address these thirty days, is there any more important? What are we humans without love? The word is overused, perhaps, and yet every time I hear or say it, I can still choose to ascribe the deepest meaning, thereby reminding myself how it guides me, makes me better, helps me be the person I want to be.

How do I love well already?
–I’m pretty full of it–love, I mean–and it exudes. In some circumstances I am much more reserved about expressing, and even then I’m always looking for opportunities and maximizing within existing constraints. And I’m getting more expressive with age. As life gets shorter, I feel more urgency for those I love to know and feel it unequivocally.
–I relish and amplify the love I see, hear, and feel around me. I endorse fluidity between platonic, romantic, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, and other manifestations of love. Love, in my opinion, is bigger than our rational minds can comprehend or define (though our efforts to do so reward and connect us!), thus I am open to any and all of its authentic manifestations.

How could I do it better?
–I don’t always hold love first and in front in dealing with people. It’s easy with people I like and when circumstances are easy. I’m getting better with people I dislike, and when times are hard.
–I can make mindful love, both inward and outward, a more formal practice and discipline. Just like a parent can only be as happy as their saddest child, I bet we can only show up as loving to others as we do to ourselves.

How does society love well?

Examples Abound. Considering what a sh*tshow the world is right now, we could not be blamed for thinking there is no love anywhere anymore, or if there is, it’s overtaken by anger, hate, and violence. But I bet you could name at least five examples of visible and palpable love in your own life right now. So what is up with that? How can we be loving between family and friends, and also dehumanizing and utterly toxic in other contexts? Just think if we all gave one another, individuals and groups alike, a little benefit of the doubt, made more generous assumptions, and really tried to walk in other people’s shoes? It’s simple in theory, very difficult in practice, and well worth the effort, I think.
My media feed shows me organizations that exemplify love, rather than news. I’m so much better for it. Some examples, in case you’re interested:

Upworthy. A subsidiary of Good Worldwide: A “B-corp social impact company with a global audience of over 150 million people. Since 2006 Good Worldwide has been on a mission to empower people and organizations to be a force for good, together.”
More Love Letters. Submit a request for snail mail love letters from around the world for your loved one having a hard time right now. Better yet, write them to someone else! 5 recipients chosen every month. You still have time to write to the November crew.
Elephant Journal. “We’re dedicated to sharing the good life beyond the choir, and to all those who didn’t yet know they give a care about living a good, fun life that’s good for others, and our planet. The mindful life is about yoga, organics, sustainability, conscious consumerism, enlightened education, the contemplative arts, adventure, bicycling, family…everything. But mostly it’s about this present moment, right here, right now, and how we can best be of benefit, and have a good time doing so.”
Charities. The Greater Chicago Food Depository. The Food Bank of the Rockies. So many groups doing good. If you don’t already have ones you love, study these three sites to find ones that align with your values and are legit.
Communities. In 2023, as I have written repeatedly, my romance novel and fitness communities have transformed my life. I honestly do not think I would/could have committed to writing a book without the support and love of these amazing folks. What communities do you love, and love you back?

How could we all do better?

Meet Unlove With Love. The more disciplined each of us can be about leading with love, the less we can be baited into heated argument, pointless debate, and mutual agitation and separation. People do not lash out when they are well. Name calling and dehumanizing in response to their negative behaviors helps nothing and nobody. Breathe deeply, bite thy tongue. Reverse that excellent mantra: Take no shit, and do no harm.

Play the Infinite Game. Showing love in your next encounter with a stranger will not solve the world’s problems. Doing it with every person you meet next year, and for the next ten or fifty years, will not itself bring about world peace. But if you and I do this, which then encourages those we meet to do it also, we can bet that we are not contributing to the world’s problems. This practice among others gives me inner peace, which allows me to keep playing, to stay in the game of making the world better, much longer than if I burn out from cynical exhaustion and pessimism.

Of these twenty posts so far, I feel the most lighthearted and uplifted writing about romance and love. Huh, fascinating. It’s about hope, I think. Deep emotional and psychological connection, bonds that we actively choose to cultivate and sustain–these things give my life the most meaning, purpose, and reward. How awesome.

Romance

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Hmmmm… This will be interesting–what’s already good and what could be better?

What does the word ‘romance’ evoke for you? Be honest. I wonder how many of us feel a little sheepish, shy, or embarrassed? That we like it, want it, wish for more of it–to receive or to give? Would anyone describe American culture as romantic? Chinese (hard no)? French, Italian, Spanish? Indian? German? What do we mean when we say a culture is romantic? Okay here we go, let’s see what comes out tonight:

How do I already do romance well?
–I embrace the book genre–jumped in the deep end last year, no floaties, haven’t come out, have no plans. I’m making it easier for anyone who talks to me to ‘admit’ that they also consume, devour, and relish it, without shame or regret. I’m a convert, and I’m doing my part to normalize it to the general public. I stand up to those who judge.
–I’m open to all kinds of romance, in all its forms. I wrote to a friend this year, “(The unconventional romantic relationships in these books) validate my desire to question and challenge social norms that stifle the wide diversity of human relational needs, including sexual ones, and how they may evolve over time. These novels help me stay out of the ‘shoulds’ and recognize that health and happiness in any given relationship is defined by the people in it, much more than society’s gaze on them.” Romance helps me stand in solidarity.

How could I do romance better?
–I think the last time I did something romantic may have been before I had kids. I can be more intentional. Better late than never.

How do we romance well as a society?

Alive, well, and strong. As I write this, “Red, White, and Royal Blue” plays on an adjacent window on main-stream TV. It’s a male/male, enemies to lovers story with achingly vulnerable heroes, full open mouth kissing, and sex scenes as steamy as American general TV will allow, based on the 2019 novel by Casey McQuiston. We’ve come a long way, baby.
Stories are how we relate. We ask our elders about their meet cutes, and romanticize them through the rosey lenses of nostalgia. Ideals of romance thrive in our imaginations and acts of love all over the world, every day, between humans regardless of distinguishing features. They thrive despite forces out to choke and beat them out of some of us. Our romantic ideals keep us hopeful.

How could we do it better?

Keep making progress. Looking back in history, we see periods when people were more and less free to express their romantic love for each other than we are today. Human generations live in tiresomely redundant cycles, and we too seldom recognize the ironies that constrain us–puritanical and hypersexualized, taboo and underground, struggling for authenticity and smothered by conformity. Artists know the truth. Hand them the brushes and the bullhorns; hold them up as they speak for us, risking themselves, until we find our stronger, more inclusive and loving collective voice.

I have learned this past year to dramatically expand my definition and application of romance, romantic love, and romantic ideals, in all dimensions of life. I don’t mean throwing away logic and rationality and just submitting to lust and hedonic pleasures. Rather, I advocate for embracing and accepting humans’ fundamental drive for meaningful emotional connection in all its forms. The sooner we fully address these needs up front and out loud, in private and public, the sooner our rational minds are freed to solve problems, rather than futilely suppressing complex feelings and relationships.

ONWARD.

Presence

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Photo by James K Min, Denver, CO, 2023

It is not the same as appearance.

Presence is energy.  Like sound, it has a frequency and an amplitude.  Like light, it has a wavelength.  Presence is sensed; it is felt. 

What does your presence feel like to others?  How does it change according to context, mood, and other factors?  When are you aware of it yourself, and how do you modulate it, if at all?

Whose presence do you crave?  Who soothes, comforts, uplifts, encourages, and quiets you, simply by being with you?  Whose presence do you carry even when you’re apart, because it helps?  How do you do it?  Whose presence do you avoid?  Why?  What do these people teach you about yourself?

How do I already presence well?
–I make eye contact; I shake hands enthusiastically.  I’m relaxed, open, and friendly.  I can have a conversation with practically anyone, as long as we share a language.  I am comfortable with people in general, which makes people comfortable with me.
–I’m a fantastic hugger.
–“I’m mostly peace love and light, and a little go fuck yourself.”  My friendly and open personality does not make me a pushover.  I do not tolerate disrespect or abuse, of myself, my family, or my work teams.  I call it out civilly and if the behavior continues, I consider carefully and end relationships without regret.
–I’m good at 看臉色 ‘kan lian se’ literally ‘seeing facial color’ in Chinese—meaning to attune to people’s nonverbal cues.  I can adjust my posture, tone of voice, facial expressions, and language to match my counterparts. 
–Most of the time I think I balance confidence/competence well with humility.  Strong back, soft front.  If this is how people experience me, then I’m happy.

How could I show up better?
–People have told me I come on too strong, that my energy is too high.  I can be loud and animated.  I gesticulate.  I could do better sometimes attuning to my surroundings and toning it down as needed.
–In certain situations and with certain people, my confidence wobbles.  I second guess myself and may come across as weak, unsure, unreliable.  I can get tongue tied and flustered.  This makes me easy to bully and manipulate.  It happens much less frequently with age, but I still feel vulnerable to it sometimes.  Deep breathing in the moment helps a lot, and also lengthening my spine.

How do we evaluate presence as a society, and what makes it good?

Smiling Strangers.  “You’re so friendly, Cathy, you must be from the Midwest,” said the boy from the East Coast, just as I’m thinking people here look at me like I have two heads when I’m friendly.  In Colorado, however, people still smile and say hi to perfect strangers in public.  It just makes my day, really.  Do these folks realize how much their smiles mean to me?  To anybody?  Do you yours?

The Helpers. Nurses. Social workers. Teachers. Therapists. Charity workers. Volunteers. Moms. Doctors. Who else, especially in your life right now? Come to think of it, is there any profession or work that could not be thought of as helping? We may not always be in a good mood. We are too often exhausted, spent; too many of us are burned out right now. And still, we show up. We help. At our best, when our presence connects us in sincere service, it makes us all better.

How can we be present better to one another collectively?

Love First.  If we have any love in us, how can we pull it up and out, put it in front, and show up for ourselves and others leading with it? Easier said than done. And we won’t be able to do it all the time. Let’s try harder anyway, ya?

Attune and Differentiate. Know yourself. Honor yourself. Show up all you. We can each own all of our strengths, our optimal resonance frequencies, our brightest light. Stand up straight and strong. Then, decide which petals of our identity flower to lead with, discern the context and respond appropriately. This is not about hiding parts of ourselves, rather mindfully showing up to connect, however it works best for us and those around us.

Lead and follow by example: Amplify. When you get feedback that your presence helps someone, take the compliment graciously. When someone’s presence benefits you, let them know. Positive reinforcement–rewarding desired behaviors–is one of the most effective ways to help the behavior recur. Look out for the good, amplify it–the sound and the light.

Honest, mindful, authentic presence. How much better could everything be if we were to offer this more often to more people, ourselves included?