Category Archives: Inspiration

The Transformative Power of Community

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AIYAAAAAH IT’S JUST TOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!!

Friends, please meet my new beach volleyball teammates! We are the Ethos team at North Avenue Beach on Wednesday evenings, woohooooooo!! I have played since 7th grade, and never on sand until this summer. And I can’t think of another group I would feel safer and have more fun doing it with. How many times have I mentioned Ethos and how I love the team there? Well it keeps getting better, I just cannot say (or write) enough!

In the last four months I have increased weight from 50# to 105# on barbell back squats, 12.5# to 20# on dumbbell bench press at any angle, 35# to 70# on landmine squats, and all kinds of other personal strength and endurance records. In that time I also hit some speed bumps and potholes: left sciatic impingement (April-May), left medial meniscus aggravation (May to last week), left shoulder instability (ongoing and improving), and right brachioradialis spasm (July to present, also improving). Bottom lines: 1) I never would have tried loading weight like this on my own at home, thus my strength and form stagnated. 2) Had I injured myself working out at home, I would not have known how to modify anything to continue moving and progressing safely. But with the support and encouragement of the coaches and community at Ethos, strength, form, confidence, motivation, and joy and connection have all improved exponentially.

“There can be a fine line between rehab and performance,” Jacob told me. EUREKA! Lighten up on weight this week, focus on range of motion, Ryan advised. They taught me hip, knee, neck, and wrist CARs. Listen to my body. Take care of it with good sleep and nutrition. Be patient. No judgment. Keep coming to class, spirit buoyed by friends. Coaches continue to monitor and correct. And voila: healing and progress, competence and confidence, HALLELUJAH!

I have never, in my entire life, loved going to the gym like I do now, and it’s all because of the people. So when I heard about the beach volleyball group, it was a no brainer to join. My world expands newly after 38 years of indoor play, adjusting to various outdoor conditions (twilight/night, wet/dry and deep/shallow sand, and wind, OMG!). Lessons in team communication emerge in yet another domain. And between gym and beach, uplifting new friendships bloom. I mean does it get any better than this?? I feel positively giddy from it all!

How do your communites support, even carry you? As I thought more this weekend about belonging, connection, and mutual, synergistic uplift, meaningful examples appeared everywhere.

New Friend described his spiritual community to me and I could feel, from his facial expressions, voice, and posture, the deep stability and peace he gets from that connection. The Sheil Catholic Center has been that for me since college, not because of religion per se, but again because of the people. Shared spiritual belief and core values play a primary role in Friend’s and my belonging in these groups, and deep connection can occur around anything: Meditation, yoga, sports, volunteering, book club, work…

How many different communities include you, make you better, and benefit reciprocally from your unique presence and participation?

OMG Romance! WHODATHUNK? 11 months in and still binging strong, my friends. Since I posted initially last November, my consumption has expanded from steamy cis-het-binary-monogamous rom-coms to novels that include male-male, dark, fantasy, paranormal, mafia, dominant-submissive, and polyamorous themes! My vicarious sex and relationship education continues with momentum and ardent support–you guessed it–from the romance community! I would never have found any of these stories and experiences if not for the Shaneiaks Facebook group and guidance from the indefatiguable Suzi over at Royal Reads Services, group admin and expert in all things romance publishing. I have always been open and comfortable talking to my patients and kids about sex, and today I’m even more confident and bold. Ask me anything, tell me anything, and I will engage with a whole new level of openness now. By the way, if you also seek to broaden your horizons in this domain, I highly recommend Boyslut by Zachary Zane.

How do your communities support others?

Once again, the romance community inspires me. When author Lili Valente‘s house was destroyed by recent floods in the Northeast, her fans came together to support her through direct book purchases on her website. This week author Lucy Eden has organized RomanceforMaui, an upcoming auction to raise money for those affected by the most devastating wildfires in the United States in 100 years. Check out the auction items–consider bidding for yourself, your romance fan friends, and for the people on Maui. Finally, see how romance narrators, authors, and audiobook producers come together to support their BIPOC colleagues by providing grants and services to bring their work forth through Audio in Color. Simply amazing.

I am such a better version of myself because I belong to these tribes, wow, how humbling and exciting.

It occurs to me that membership in some communities can actually transform us into worse versions of ourselves… *sigh*… More on that in later post, perhaps…

Relationships. They can kill us or save us, and so much more. Our communities of deep and meaningful belonging can enrich, expand, educate, and empower us, often to heights we could never have imagined. How can we build and grow more of these connections, strengthen them for the good of all? I have some ideas…

Love First

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Try as I might, I still have trouble approaching interactions with certain people feeling love first: Slow drivers. Fast drivers. Drivers who pass without signalling. Rude strangers. Abusive patients. People who repulse me and with whom I am bound in relationship of some kind. Loved ones on my hard days. Instead I feel annoyance and judgment–at them first, then at myself–and then guilt. *sigh*

Thankfully, it’s getting better. The intensity, duration and consequences of the negative emotions and interactions have all diminished over time, and sometimes I can actually avert them altogether. On a good day I ease up on the accelerator, leave more space between me and the car ahead, and utter no profanities–shocking. That’s usually after a good night’s sleep or a great workout, and it’s sunny outside. Somehow, driving has emerged as my barometer for this particular life skill, as if my average road rage quotient represents my overall life equanimity? How fascinating.

Maybe it’s because driving is such a mundane, steady state activity most of the time. How I show up in the car, on the road, is probably a pretty good indication of my real time state of mind. I’m essentially anonymous, and thus un-self-conscious, more ‘free’ to do as I am and as I feel, compared to at work or home where my actions have more tangible consequences on people I care about–that’s an interesting distinction. Because shouldn’t I care about everybody I meet? Don’t all of my fellow humans deserve the same baseline level of respect and dignity?

Why should I work to show up Love First (not a reference to the family intervention book and program) everywhere, with everyone? I think because it’s an easy idea to wrap my head and heart around. ‘Love’ encompasses so much, and the word itself resets me to be my best self. Love First immediately makes me more present, open, empathetic, curious, and most importantly, nonjudgmental. It hit me recently that when I don’t judge, I suffer a lot less. I can accept what’s happening, including how I feel about it, and approach my response more calmly. I am far more able to see multiple perspectives, allow for more than the most cynical explanations of others’ actions. Showing up Love First allows me to be my best self, and walk away from any interaction with the fewest regrets.

Love First allows my initial thoughts in the face of adversity to be open and honest questions, rather than ad hominem. I can de-escalate, defuse, and even disarm (figuratively) a situation or person far more easily in a loving state than in an adversarial one. It’s vulnerable, and not weak. Openness and love are my soft front–I present in possibility for understanding and connection. And I ground myself with confidence in my strong back–I know my boundaries and uphold them with firm conviction. When crossed, relationship either ends or requires renegotiation.

Here’s the best part: I’m able to show up more Love First to others now because I’m better at doing it for myself. When I blurt the driving expletive in the heat of the moment, I can simply say, “how fascinating”, make note of my mental/emotional/physical state, take a deep breath, and reset. I don’t have to judge my own recurring unwanted pattern. I can simply slow down, loosen my grip on the wheel, keep breathing, keep driving. Old habits take time to break, I’m making progress, and that’s what matters. It’s a win-win: compassion toward self translates to compassion toward others.

Next level: Consistent pre-emptive practice, mindshift in advance of interaction, groove Love First as the default rather than the correction. Mastery may take a lifetime, but I’m already well on my way to respectable proficiency. I’m okay with this. Onward.

Trust and Adjust

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Friends, I am a master procrastinator! What about you?

Since at least high school, my writing is almost always done at the last minute. Term papers, college and med school application essays, blog posts, it’s all the same. There’s usually a sense of thrill and anticipation, a fun challenge, as well as some self-judgment for having to ‘cram.’ And while the product was usually pretty good, I often wondered how much better it could be if I gave myself more time to edit and revise. So for NaBloPoMo 2022 I completed posts 2-3 days in advance, scheduling them to ‘drop’. I edited most pieces in the interim, but not significantly–mostly choosing a different word or tightening a sentence here or there. That was validating.

This works fine when the deadlines are soft–meaning I’m accountable only to myself, and only for fun. And I have never had to ask for an extension in class or missed an important application deadline, so I’m probably still fine, right? I recently attended a writing workshop where I thought I had to present an entire book proposal for critique, and I managed to sit Butt In Chair in enough time to complete a first draft without pulling any all-nighters (I’ve only ever stayed up all night to finish a Percy Jackson book in adulthood). Writing Buddy was impressed, commenting, “When you get your bottom in the seat, you get sh*t done!” It did help that I was in the mountains, with maybe 10% of the usual distractions.

But if a miracle happens and I actually get a chance to publish a whole book, that will be next level–how do I know my baseline method will be good enough? Will these 8 years of blogging have been good practice? For the most part I have kept up with weekly posts, plus the 30 day challenge every November. I worry that I will either run out of ideas, or I’ll fail to write them coherently enough. But I worry most that I will not have the discipline to finish what I say I want to start. What evidence have I for this fear?

Most of my childhood friends started piano lessons early in life. I hesitated–all that practice… MaBa warned me what kind of investment it would be for them, and after considering for two years I finally committed. At that time there were two music stores at Southglenn mall, and we went back and forth between them one weekend, listening to the Yamaha upright at one and the Kawai upright at the other. It was clear to me from the start that the Kawai was the superior instrument; I advocated patiently and firmly, and won my case. I played with enthusiasm well into high school–not expertly, but enough to really grow some musical neural networks that enrich my life. It’s a form of stress relief, then and now. Today I own a Kawai baby grand, and Son and Daughter both play with similar satisfaction.

Over my life I have committed to and sustained practice in classical Chinese dance and painting, public speaking, volleyball, medical training, practice, and leadership, washi tape art, physical fitness, and now sourdough baking. And blogging… with the idea of writing a book… eventually. When I started HTC in 2015 I never imagined it would last 8+ years. I thought I had a book in me then, but apparently not yet. “You don’t do anything half-ass,” Friend observed to me recently. Well, not anything I care about, anyway. And here I still am, 532 blog posts later and no book. Procrastinate much? I’m much closer now than ever, though, like litera(ri)lly on the threshold. It’s just taken this long, for all the reasons, and it’s okay. I’m having fun, practicing, processing, progressing, connecting, …winding up.

Friend texted me this week to inquire about and encourage my book writing; it was so loving and I felt buoyed. My reply:

Thank you so much my dear friend!! 🙏🏼🥰💗🌟
Writing itself is going well!! 💃🏻🎉🥳 …though none of it is actually proposal work, per se 🤪 I did go really BOOBS OUT on the blog over the weekend—gearing up to pour into the book—kinda like rubbing stocking feet on carpet in order to shock the next thing I touch! 😄 So I’m feeling overall good, trying to balance the organic unfolding with the intentional effort, you know?
THANK YOU THANK YOU so much for your encouragement, it means the world to me!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🥰💗🌟🔥💪🏼

Allow the unfolding with joyous intent. Trust my reliable nature. Adjust my method(s) as needed. Commit to having fun. All in, all me. BOOBS OUT. And deep bows to my amazing Tribe. I get to choose whatever meaning I want out of any and all of it. How awesome!

I’ got this.