Three Years Ago Today

Where were you on February 25, 2020? What was happening around you? What were you doing, planning, looking forward to, worried about?

What day did COVID change your life?

On New Year’s Eve, 2019, my niece declared that everybody was overreacting to the infection sweeping across Wuhan, China. It won’t be a big deal, she said. I specialize neither in infectious disease nor public health, but I knew then that what was coming would be a big. fucking. deal.

This morning, stepping out into the bright sun and crisp air at the end of another unusually mild Chicago winter, Daughter and I recalled 3 years ago. We had just spent a long weekend in Seattle, just for fun. Son had said then that he could see himself living there ‘after school,’ and lo, he ended up there for school. Little did we know then that COVID had already landed, right there, where we were.

Within weeks, whole organizations and governments mobilized and immobilized; life mutated irrevocably around us everywhere. COVID hit me in the face by cracking one of my friendships early on. The week of March 9, I begged off of a gathering, and my friend was angry. I respected and admired her, and loved her family–still do. She subsequently railed at the prospect of lockdown and social distancing, citing economic fallout, apparently dismissing my alarm at the risk to our healthcare system, and my own colleagues, if we deferred such drastic measures. It took me by surprise, floored me, and I was hurt. I wanted to talk more about it, talk through it. But these three years, every time we approach our differences here, she respectfully declines to continue. I respectfully agree. We hit a boundary in our friendship then, which I accept. I can engage with difference elsewhere; there is no shortage of opportunities. Over this time I believe I have both sharpened and softened my communication skills around disagreement and dissent, and I’m still grateful for every chance to practice, learn, and improve.

Facebook showed me what I posted three years ago today. I don’t know which leader moved me to profess my appreciation on social media, but I bet it was one of two, so I emailed them both today with the screen snip of the post. “…recalling 3 years ago, watching and waiting for the pandemic wave to hit us, standing in a state of novel awe and uncertainty.  I also remember feeling confident, though; I understood the medical and public implications and trusted my immediate professional and personal circles to think and act rationally and thoughtfully… Our organization has its challenges, both intrinsic and extrinsic.  Each day, though, I’m still convinced and proud that everybody’s doing their best for the greater good. So Happy Saturday, and thank you for you leadership. 🙂” Having led a small practice through the first 14 months of the COVID morass, I suspect any sincere expression of acknowledgement and appreciation, at anytime, even now, boosts any leader’s spirits. We are all still going through it, and we still need to hold one another up.

This is the 42nd post that appears on a “COVID” search of this blog. I process by writing. Reading back, I apparently felt more fear and anxiety at the outset than I may remember. Memory is complex! Today I recall vividly the acutely discordant and uncomfortable conversations with my friend, while minimizing the overall stress of the time and circumstances? How fascinating. We would all do well to ‘remember’ this paradox of recollection as we continue to navigate, negotiate, and collaborate hereafter.

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” Anna Quindlen includes this quote by Anais Nin in her book, Write For Your Life. Have you anything to review from three years ago–emails, letters, photos with captions, blog posts? What does any of it show you about your feelings, thoughts, actions, and relationships back then? How has your life evolved and transformed in the short and profound time since? How have your relationships moved? I’m gratified to take some time today to recall and reflect, and to have concrete evidence of myself to do it with.

Write on, my friends.

Giddy Up

Sylvan Dale Guest Ranch, Loveland, Colorado

How is your mood/mindset today? Is it intentional, or did it just happen? What word would you choose for it?

For a couple months now I have practiced setting an intention for the day before getting out of bed, encapsulated in one word. I try to make it aspirational, but often I land on something to counter some heaviness or negativity I feel upon waking. It’s like self-reassurance or something, a DIY pat on the back. On 12/15 I awoke mopey, apathetic, and unmotivated. Thursdays are my busiest days at work, so I had to 打起精神來 (da qi jin shen lai), as Ma always says–literally ‘hit rise energy come’–something akin to ‘get moving’ in English. So my mantra for that day became “Giddy up.” I don’t remember the last time these words even occurred to me, but they apparated that day and carried me through.

The next day I started listening to now Senator John Hickenlooper‘s memoir, The Opposite of Woe: My Life in Beer and Politics. Somewhere in the middle of the book, someone attended a psychology class wherein the professor asked a series of questions along the lines of: What is the opposite of joy? Sadness. What is the opposite of X-emotion? Y-emotion. What is the opposite of woe? And a student stood up and said, “I believe that would be Giddy Up.” HA!! It took me a second… 😉 Henceforth Hickenlooper calls up the phrase in his own self-motivating moments.

So now I feel cosmically connected to “Hick” junior (read this Twitter homage to his dad–I dare you to not be moved). My senior year of high school, I was invited by girls I admired to attend an Amnesty International event at the Wynkoop Brewery, which Hickenlooper had opened with some partners only a couple of years before. I will always remember that day fondly, feeling so included. The stories of that restaurant venture, the first ever brewpub in Colorado, and his life in general, are told with moving poignance and good humor in the book, which I highly recommend. Sometime during his tenure as governor of Colorado, I started following him from afar. These last 10ish years, I have always found him to be down to earth, smiling, and approachable in interviews and public appearances. And I absolutely love that he has always refused to run negative ads during any of his political campaigns. His Facebook posts share good work done in Colorado and Congress alike, and help me feel connected to my home state through someone I admire and feel proud to ‘represent’ me.

Throughout the book he tells engaging stories of his meandering life paths, personal and professional intertwined. He owns his flaws as well as his strengths, neither over- nor underplaying either. His ex-wife has surmised that due to emotional losses early in life, he became a pragmatic, rational-dominant thinker and doer, which served him well in business and then politics. Along the way he also had opportunities and support for self-reflection, including marriage counseling. He has done the inner work of developing his emotional mind, which I also very much admire. Today, working in such a polarized governing body as the US Senate, I hope he can set a dialectical example of respect, pragmatism, and collaboration that others will follow.

I know many of my people in Colorado have mixed feelings and opinions about Uncle Hick, as I will now think of him. Of course that is to be expected, and he himself respects it. He recognizes that in government, trade offs are the norm–if nobody is 100% happy with your work, then you’re probably doing it right. Hearing his perspective, both seriously committed and self-depricatingly lighthearted, as a scientist (English major turned geologist who took 10 years to finish college)-entrepreneur-politician, gives me such hope. He discusses the importance of public-private collaboration and the need to update or eliminate obsolete regulations. He embraces an evidence-based, team approach to novel problem solving (eg inventing effective and accountable recreational cannabis policy in the first state to make it legal). He keeps his compass pointed toward the core value of helping people, while leveraging business tactics to grow economies, and not wasting resources. He describes how he chooses battles worthy of fighting, all in good time. After study and deliberation, he is willing to change his mind on important issues, out loud and without shame (eg capital punishment).

I know I must be severely biased toward Uncle Hick just because he is from Colorado. Often during this book, I recalled feeling a similar admiration while listening to Neil Gorsuch’s memoir; he is another Coloradan. I imagine these two men differ greatly in ideology and politics. I also imagine that they respect each other and would engage in healthy dialogue around their differences if given the chance. Colorado is a big place, with a vastly diverse geography and population. It’s also one of the healthiest, most desirable places to live, by any metric. People there are consistently the friendliest folks I ever meet, compared to anywhere else in the world. There is just an ethos, something ineffable and yet palpable, that allows differences to be acknowledged and overcome, and things to get done. One day I will get back there and participate in person. Cannot. Wait.

Giddy up, indeed.

Whose BEAST Are You?

I feel protective. My friend has embarked on a necessary lawsuit to address wrongs done to her by someone she trusted. Generally I shun litigation as a means of conflict resolution, and I understand that in some cases it is the best path to justice. My friend shares this ethos, and has so chosen a like-minded lawyer. Her opponent has a very different mindset, one of fierce aggression and, sadly, meanness. In talking with Friend, we both feel her vulnerability, the risk of getting steamrolled in her efforts to be fair and equanimatous, even in the face of intense acrimony. She wonders if her lawyer (and she herself, maybe?) can withstand the vitriol flung their way without 1) returning in kind and/or 2) acquiescing simply to get through.

Over breakfast, I tried to articulate what she needed in her lawyer, and wrote it to her later in an email, so she would have it to mull over and expound on. What follows below is a lightly edited version of my message to her, and some reflections of my own after writing it. I love how talking and writing bring me so quickly and effectively to new insights and syntheses of ideas, core values, and resolutions. Onward, my friends!


I get (and validate!) that you sought a lawyer who is “not a fighter”… and you also need an effective advocate. Not adversarial for sure, but assertive and strong.

Like a quiet, confident alpha—tall and straight, with commanding posture–someone who knows they can own the opponent if they want to, but feels secure enough to not need to flaunt it.

So there is a degree of BADASSERY required here too:  You need someone SMART, and SHARP.

Looking for a metaphor here… Not sure why I gravitate toward vehicles—Bullet train? Mack truck? Snowplow? Maybe because the process is necessarily movement, transportation is required, and there is a destination, the path to which presents multiple and formidable barriers?

The BEAST: The US presidential Cadillac—that is your ideal ride to the other side of the lawsuit (over the bridge? Through the morass?)!

Big, black, heavy, SOLID.  GROUNDED and MOBILE at the same time.

Heavily armored–DEFENDED and SAFE, but not weaponized (I think).

Moves with purpose and agenda, no wasted fuel or frivolous trips.

People see it coming and move out of the way with respect.

And if attacked, the cargo–you and your interests–are protected.

Can plow through traffic if absolutely necessary, but only does so as a last resort:

Move or I will move you, make no mistake.

Try me.


Strong back, soft front. Steel spine. Claws and horns only when needed.

Strong and effective, non-adversarial, yet energized advocate. I’m thinking parent, friend, sibling, physician, adult child of aging parent, activist.

BEAST. I can be yours if needed, count on it.