Only Love Can Win

Posted on August 17, 2017 by Catherine Cheng, MD

Holy hell, what a week. How are you feeling? Most people I know express some combination of shock, resignation, rage, disbelief, hopelessness, gloom, and resentment. I’m trying hard to practice Radical Acceptance. It’s similar to the second arrow principle, in that at the very least, it lessens my own suffering from our collective circumstance. But more than that, it allows me to focus more on what I will do, than seethe around my negative reactions.

I’m thinking of the Twitter account named Yes, You’re Racist. Apparently the owner wants to identify the white supremacists who marched in Charlottesville, to publicly shame them and possibly get them fired from work. At least one person has lost his job based on a photo posted to the account. What do you think about this? I admit, my first reaction was positive. Yes, call them out, make them accountable, I thought. But then I wonder what good will this do? Will the guy who got fired from the hot dog place suddenly think it was morally wrong to attend the march? Or will he interpret his employer’s action as further proof that the liberal left conspires to restrict free speech and assembly, thereby deepening his animosity toward anyone who opposes his views from the left? Will it open any space in his mind to consider why white supremacy is wrong, or help him acquire empathy or compassion toward any marginalized group? Or won’t it just drive his racist expressions underground? Doesn’t public shaming like this run the risk of re-closeting these people, so their grievances foment in the dark, only to be released again under pressure, in some act of overt violence?

I think about the fights between marchers and anti-protestors—between those who wish to incite violence, and those who succumb to the provocation. To be clear, the Neo-Nazi, white supremacist marchers who descended on Charlottesville represent a vile and unacceptable set of ideas. They are the villains. And, fighting violence with violence is never a good solution.

So, we ask, what can we do? How do we respond? Maybe it’s because I’m on vacation this week, communing with nature in the mountains and watching the annual Perseid meteor shower from 10,000 feet, on a clear, literally stellar night, surrounded and awed by our millennia-old universe. It keeps me from stalking Facebook quite so many hours a day, and gives good perspective. I feel somehow more capable of saying, This is how things are. It sucks. It’s wrong. And I can still make a difference.

In the end, I believe Only Love Can Win. Blaming, shaming, belittling, and otherwise demeaning people for certain beliefs, actions, or associations—hating them—does not help. What does help is offering compassion and empathy, and listening to understand. I know I have said and written it many times, and I know many will argue that now is not the time to ‘get soft.’ But believe me, practicing love in the face of hate is anything but soft. Let me share some resources that illustrate this, and that hold me up. This is a very long post, and I hope you will stick with me ‘til the end.

Agape Love

Maria Popova, curator of the illuminating blog Brain Pickings, inspires me with her summary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s 1958 essay “An Experiment in Love.” I refer to this article often since January 20. Dr. King explores six tenets of nonviolent resistance (below). It reminds me that while I vehemently oppose bigotry, racism, sexism, misogyny, xenophobia, and fascism, I can do it with a peaceful heart, full of love for humanity, and with faith that even my small contribution of said love can make a difference. Here are the highlights of her piece, MLK’s words quoted:

Nonviolent resistance is not passive cowardice. “For while the nonviolent resister is passive in the sense that he is not physically aggressive toward his opponent, his mind and his emotions are always active, constantly seeking to persuade his opponent that he is wrong. The method is passive physically but strongly active spiritually. It is not passive non-resistance to evil, it is active nonviolent resistance to evil.”
The goal is connection. “Nonviolence … does not seek to defeat or humiliate the opponent, but to win his friendship and understanding. The nonviolent resister must often express his protest through noncooperation or boycotts, but he realizes that these are not ends themselves; they are merely means to awaken a sense of moral shame in the opponent. The end is redemption and reconciliation. The aftermath of nonviolence is the creation of the beloved community, while the aftermath of violence is tragic bitterness.”
Separate the people from problem (as William Ury et al would say). “The attack is directed against forces of evil rather than against persons who happen to be doing the evil. It is the evil that the nonviolent resister seeks to defeat, not the persons victimized by the evil… [Regarding racial injustice:] We are out to defeat injustice and not white persons who may be unjust.”
Be prepared to pay the cost. “The nonviolent resister is willing to accept violence if necessary, but never to inflict it. He does not seek to dodge jail.”
Manage thyself. Do not allow yourself to descend to the depths of hate while you fight hate itself. Cultivate love instead. “The nonviolent resister not only refuses to shoot his opponent but he also refuses to hate him. At the center of nonviolence stands the principle of love…To retaliate in kind would do nothing but intensify the existence of hate in the universe. Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough and morality enough to cut off the chain of hate. This can only be done by projecting the ethic of love to the center of our lives. This is Agape love… Agape means understanding, redeeming good will for all men. It is an overflowing love which is purely spontaneous, unmotivated, groundless, and creative… Another basic point about agape is that it springs from the need of the other person… The Negro must love the white man, because the white man needs his love to remove his tensions, insecurities, and fears… Agape is not a weak, passive love. It is love in action… Agape is a willingness to go to any length to restore community… It is a willingness to forgive, not seven times, but seventy times seven to restore community.”
Hope. “Nonviolent resistance … is based on the conviction that the universe is on the side of justice. Consequently, the believer in nonviolence has deep faith in the future. This faith is another reason why the nonviolent resister can accept suffering without retaliation. For he knows that in his struggle for justice he has cosmic companionship.”

10 Ways to Fight Hate

One of the first pieces I read after the events on Saturday was this article from the Southern Poverty Law Center, listing ten ways to fight hate. So while I carry that peaceful heart full of Agape love, these are the concrete things I can do right now (highlights quoted):

“The good news is, all over the country people are fighting hate, standing up to promote tolerance and inclusion. More often than not, when hate flares up, good people rise up against it — often in greater numbers and with stronger voices.”

“Do not debate hate group members in conflict-driven forums. Instead, speak up in ways that draw attention away from hate, toward unity.

“Goodness has a First Amendment right, too. We urge you to denounce hate groups and hate crimes and to spread the truth about hate’s threat to a pluralistic society. An informed and unified community is the best defense against hate.

“You can spread tolerance through social media and websites, church bulletins, door-to-door fliers, letters to the editor, and print advertisements. Hate shrivels under strong light. Beneath their neo-Nazi exteriors, hatemongers are cowards and are surprisingly subject to public pressure and ostracism.

Educate Yourself

“Most hate crimes…are not committed by members of hate groups; the Southern Poverty Law Center estimates fewer than 5 percent. Many hate crimes are committed by young males acting alone or in small groups, often for thrills. While these perpetrators may act independently, they are sometimes influenced by the dehumanizing rhetoric and propaganda of hate groups.”

Create An Alternative

“Do not attend a hate rally. As much as you might like to physically show your opposition to hate, confrontations serve only the perpetrators. They also burden law enforcement with protecting hatemongers from otherwise law-abiding citizens. If an event featuring a hate group, avowed separatist or extremist is coming to your college campus, hold a unity rally on a different part of campus. Invite campus clubs, sororities, fraternities and athletic organizations to support your efforts.

“Every act of hatred should be met with an act of love and unity. Many communities facing a hate group rally have held alternative events at the same hour, some distance away, emphasizing strength in community and diversity. They have included forums, parades, and unity fairs featuring speakers, food, music, exhibits, and entertainment. These events give people a safe outlet for the frustration and anger they want to vent. As a woman at a Spokane, Washington, human rights rally put it, “Being passive is something I don’t want to do. I need to make some kind of commitment to human rights.”

Pressure Leaders

Form relationships with community leaders before a hate incident occurs.

Encourage leaders to name the problem.

Push leaders when they show bias or fail to act. [And do it respectfully—ad hominem never helps.]

“Bias is learned in childhood. By age 3, children can be aware of racial differences and may have the perception that ‘white’ is desirable. By age 12, they can hold stereotypes about ethnic, racial, and religious groups, or LGBT people. Because stereotypes underlie hate, and because almost half of all hate crimes are committed by young men under 20, tolerance education is critical.”

Dig Deeper

“Look inside yourself for biases and stereotypes.

“We all grow up with prejudices. Acknowledging them — and working through them — can be a scary and difficult process. It’s also one of the most important steps toward breaking down the walls of silence that allow intolerance to grow. Luckily, we all possess the power to overcome our ignorance and fear, and to influence our children, peers, and communities.”

Breathe Deep, Stay on the Path, and Engage

How would you confront a white supremacist in person, face to face? Would you share a meal with him/her? I saw this video clip on Facebook, of a young Chinese-American man, Eddie Huang, sitting down to dinner with Jared Taylor, an older, white nationalist man, and founder of American Renaissance, to discuss Taylor’s perspective. The American Renaissance site espouses genetic differences in intelligence and the propensity to commit crimes between races, among other things. Taylor states that historically, Europeans have “killed more people per capita” than any other group, and attributes this to them being “more technologically advanced.” He voted for 45 because his policies would “slow the dispossession of whites in America.” He says he wants to keep whites a majority in the United States, or else they “no longer control our own destiny.”

I imagined myself in Eddie’s shoes, and I could not fathom how I could stomach this conversation while eating. Actually I think he stops, while Taylor continues to eat—Chinese food. I don’t know anything about Eddie Huang other than what I see in this video, and I admire him. He sits down and engages respectfully, thoughtfully, and firmly, with a person who basically thinks he does not deserve to be an American. Could you do that? I’m not sure I could. And what would the world be like if we all trained to do exactly this?

Thank you for reading to the end. My point here is that we can oppose and resist more effectively than with rage, shame, and violence. I know I won’t make everybody put down their clubs and fists with my small words, but this is where I stand, and I commit to speaking my stance as much and as loudly as possible. I pledge to do my best always to profess what I am for, more than what I am against. I commit to a practice of Agape love, Radical Acceptance, Mindfulness, and Peaceful, Respectful Activism. I would love your company on this journey.

Love You Into Being

Posted on July 24, 2017 by Catherine Cheng, MD

A couple of weeks ago I met my new medical students. These 10-12 trainees will be my small group for the next two years. We will meet monthly to discuss the soft stuff of medical training—hierarchy, tribalism, death and dying, medical errors, difficult patients, etc. Some call it “third year medical student support group.” This is my 6^th year of the pleasure and privilege (I inherited my first group halfway through, when their previous preceptor moved out of state).

With each successive group I am ever more amazed at the students’ level of insight. They articulate compassion, humility, and maturity that I don’t think I had at their level of training. Or maybe it’s because we did not have classes like this to explore such things when I came up (or maybe I don’t remember?). More and I more I see my role as facilitator more than teacher. I am not here to impart medical knowledge. Rather, it is my job to stimulate exploration, conversation, and meaning. It’s so freeing, really—there is no standardized test to teach to. And yet I see it as my responsibility to help prepare these gifted young people to face the greatest challenge and reward of the profession: human relationships.

I feel no fear or trepidation. We cannot ‘fail’ at this class, any of us. Because the point of it is simply for everybody to participate, contribute, consider, and learn—myself included. Each month the students are given questions to answer in the form of a blog post. For example, “Recall an example of inspiring or regrettable behavior that you witnessed by a physician. Describe the situation, and its impact on you, the team, and/or the patient.” I read them all and facilitate discussion, tying together common themes and asking probing questions. My primary objective is to help them maintain the thoughtfulness and humanity that led them to medicine in the first place. Medical training has evolved in the past 20 years, for the better in some ways, not so much in others. One way we do much better nowadays is recognizing the hidden curriculum, and shining light on its effects, both positive and negative, through classes like this.

We all have those teachers who made a difference in our lives—or at least I hope we all do. I have multiple: Mrs. Cobb, 4^th grade; Mr. Alt, 7^th grade math; Ms. Townsend (now Ms. Anna), 7^th grade English; Ms. Sanborn, 7^th grade social studies; Mrs. Stahlhut, 9^th grade geometry; Mrs. Summers, 10^th grade English; Coach Knafelc, varsity volleyball; Dr. Woodruff, primary care preceptor; Dr. Roach, intern clinic preceptor; Dr. Tynus, chief resident program director. My mom is one of these teachers, also. She leads nursing students in their clinical rotations. I have seen her student feedback forms—they love her. And it wasn’t until I heard her talk about her students that I realized why they love her and what makes her so effective—she loves them first. Teaching is often compared to parenting. Our parents, at their best, see our potential and love us into our best selves. They cheer us, support us, redirect us, and admonish us. They show us the potential rewards of our highest aspirations. If we’re lucky, they role model their best selves for us to emulate.

All of my best teachers did (do) this for me. I’m friends with many of them to this day, and I still learn from them in almost every encounter. I love them because I feel loved by them. They held space for my ignorance and imperfections. I always knew that they knew that my best self was more than the last paper I wrote, the last test I aced, or the last patient encounter I botched. To them, my peers and I were not simply students. We were fellow humans on a journey of mutual discovery, and they were simply a little farther along on the path.

This is my aspiration as a teacher, to live up to the example of all those who loved me into the best version of myself today. This kind of love allows for growth and evolution, from student to colleague, to friend, and fellow educator. This is not something attending physicians typically express to medical students, positive evolution of medical education notwithstanding. But when I met this new group, I was overcome by love for them. So I told them. “If you take away nothing else from our two years together, I want you to have felt loved by me. I wish to love you into the best doctors you can be. That is my only job here.” Or something like that. It was impulsive and possibly high risk. But it was the most honest thing I could say in that moment, my most authentic expression of my highest goal for my time with them. I only get to see them once a month, and I want them to be crystal clear about what I am here to do. We have lots to cover these two years, so much to learn and apply. And love is the best thing I can offer to hold us all up through it.

Support for the Inner Work

Posted on July 22, 2017 by Catherine Cheng, MD

Things were a little crazy this week. I have an idea for a post and still have not sat down to write it out. But I want to share something that came out on my Facebook page (of course) tonight. One of the reasons I love writing is that insights pop out when you least expect them. Writing exchanged with others is even better, because those insights are then shared, and their meaning amplifies.

I posted this article from the Washington Post yesterday: “Nearly half of liberals don’t even like to be around Trump supporters.” It’s a summary of a recent Pew Research Center survey, which finds that 47% of liberal Democrats “say that if a friend supported Trump, it would actually put a strain on their friendship.” It posits, among other things, that liberals are less tolerant of dissenting ideas because they are clustered in urban areas, lending to louder echo chambers. By contrast, only 13% of Republicans answered that “a friend’s support of Hillary Clinton would strain their friendship.”

From the survey report: “…Nearly nine months after the election, most people (59%) say it is ‘stressful and frustrating’ to talk about politics with people who have a different opinion of Trump than they do; just 35% find such conversations ‘interesting and informative.'”

I consider myself a socially heavily left-leaning, fiscally centrist Independent, but I identify more with liberals than conservatives, by a large margin. This article made me sad, that my ‘tribe’ shows itself to be much more intolerant and judgmental than I would like.

I posted this comment along with the article:

“Ooohh, so much data here, so much potential for blame, and also for self-exploration. Humbling, no question.
“Be extra kind with your comments on this one please, friends. No need to reopen barely scabbed wounds. I mean for my page to be a safe place for all of us to engage. We are all in it together, and the sooner we *all* figure out how to deal with 45 and one another, the better we will all be.
“Also, I’m bummed that Asians are always left out of the data set.”

I got some comments from my liberal friends about how hard it is to talk to Trump supporters, so much so that they avoid talking politics with those friends altogether. But one friend exemplified my aspiration for all of us. She wrote:

“… I recently had dinner with a very close friend who voted for Trump. Typically I think I’m a really good listener, listening with curiosity and a desire to raise the conversation and all involved to a higher level. However, when our conversation turned to politics I found myself cutting her off, getting defensive and bordering on being critical of her. I was horrified by my own behavior. I think this article hits on it – the support or opposition of Trump feels like less of a political stance and more of a statement of a person’s values and morals. I don’t think that’s necessarily true- I think a large population of Trump voters (my friend included) were actually voting against Washington more than for Trump. While I can’t get behind Trump I can get behind a vote to change the system. I wonder what might happen if more of us looked for what we can stand behind together?! Thank you for continuing to be a voice for this movement!”

Exactly! Immediately I felt connected to my friend in a higher calling, and a shared struggle. I replied:

“(My dear friend), I derive so much of my strength and curiosity from you. How many of us can own up publicly about our own flaws and failures, like you did here? And I know you know I use the word failure in the most empathetic and loving, mutually understanding way. I think that is the first step–complete humility and openness to our own imperfection. It’s so fucking hard. And I’m so lucky to have friends like you, (these four other dear friends), and others… I know now, better late than never, that we cannot do this work without unwaveringly reliable support, no matter how motivated we are. And for those of us who are already well-supported, I think it’s our responsibility to look outward and support others. You never know when or where someone may be standing on the edge of openness, and when your small gesture of encouragement may nudge them on. Thank you for your loving support, my soul sister!”

It really is true, we cannot dig deep and bring out our best selves by ourselves. We are meant to hold one another up and accountable, to bring out the best in each other. It breaks my heart when I interview patients, and learn how sparse and frail their emotional support networks are. There is no stereotype for this scenario, it can happen to the best of us. Past experiences, circumstances, timing, life events—they can all combine to undermine our relationships, thereby weakening our capacity for self-awareness and exploration. So we fall back on default modes of defensiveness, righteousness, denial, and blame. Whether it’s quitting smoking, sticking to a healthy eating plan, or elevating our political discourse, we are truly stronger together.

I share this tonight because I so admire my friend for owning her whole self. I am so grateful to her for sharing her imperfections and vulnerability with humility and hopefulness. She gives me strength to keep going, despite how fucking hard it is. And I hope I can do the same for many, many others.

Healing Through Connection

The Inner Work of Physician-Patient Relationship…And Other Things

Category Archives: love

Only Love Can Win

Love You Into Being

Support for the Inner Work