Category Archives: mindfulness

Wishing Others Discomfort? I Respectfully Disagree.

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“Wishing all the homophobes a super uncomfortable month”
I see this meme on social media again this year, as June 1 marks the beginning of Pride Month. I do not endorse it.

What is the intent and goal of this expression? What is the intent and goal of the Pride movement? Does the former ultimately advance the latter?

The initial reaction of many progressives on seeing this message is likely affirmative–righteousness, a sense of tribal pride, a satisfying abstract finger gesture to all perceived as oppressors and abusers of LGBTQ+ people. And because it’s understated and almost playful, it also feels benign, something that could be laughed off as a joke. I see it as adversarial and counterproductive to the cause, as going low, not high, however lightly it is meant to land.

What is the knee-jerk reaction to deep-seated, visceral, relational, and other existential discomfort? We may avoid, deny, dismiss, reject, and in worst cases, lash out. I have lived adjacent to abusive relationships. When abusers’ discomfort is stoked, outcomes are not good for the abused. Poking the bear is not often wise. There is some evidence that violence and harm against LGBTQ+ people rises during June, which is not surprising. So it’s interesting that I see this meme posted by cisgender/heterosexual people I know, and not those I know who identify as LGBTQ+. This is just my own observation; I don’t know the actual demographic distribution of people who share this meme.

The best intention of this message, I think, is solidarity and allyship. The impact may be very different. I can imagine someone who feels uncomfortable, for whatever reason, with non-cis/het identity feeling rejected, shamed, and even hated by this message. What response is this likely to engender? How does that make anything better for anyone? How does it advance the cause?

Discomfort can be a very good and necessary thing. It signals a possible threat to our well-being. Like physical pain and our myriad emotions, discomfort calls us to attend to something in our environment. How we manage our discomfort determines many outcomes of our lives. Why would we wish discomfort on our fellow humans? Because we want them to suffer? Because we want them to empathize with something? What do we want from their discomfort?

If you’re uncomfortable with Pride Month, and/or with anything LGBTQ+ in general, I want to know more. What is that about? What informs that discomfort, and how does it affect your life? How does it affect your attitudes, speech, and actions when you encounter anything LGBTQ+? I don’t wish discomfort on you, and I accept that you have it; I may empathize with it, if I learn about your personal experience of it. I wish you were as comfortable as I am with all things sexual and gender-related. I also wish for you to get curious about your discomfort, to explore its origins, its costs–present and potential–to you and those in your life. I wish for you to imagine a life free from this discomfort–what would that feel like? What might that cost you? What would you need to take any steps in that direction? Is that even possible? I wish for your discomfort to be the birthplace of growth and connection, more than conflict and suffering–as any discomfort has the potential to be–for you and all those you’re uncomfortable with.

If we were all better at embracing our various discomforts (healthy eating, exercising more, being more honest with ourselves and others, having the hard conversations, etc.), at making it safe for one another to engage with and overcome them, how would that feel? How would our relationships and communities be? Right now we make it safe to respond to our discomforts with rage, blame, and dehumanizing. When I see people wishing discomfort on others, I’m disappointed.

We can do better.

Hold It Loosely

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Thinking a lot about expectations lately.

When we were kids, what did we expect from life? How far ahead did we imagine? By the end of high school, how had it already evolved? And since then, how many speed bumps and hard lefts?

Years ago an older friend expressed wonder and regret at her child’s life path and how it had diverged from her assumptions and expectations. I will be forever grateful for that bit of shared wisdom, as it made me aware of my own unquestioned, default settings. My life would take some pretty sharp turns in the coming years, and I was less blindsided than I would have been without her sharing. Looking back, though I would never wish for these events again, I’m grateful for the experience and lessons gained from them. When life diverges from our plan, we are forced to assess and adapt, often repeatedly. It shakes our assumptions and makes us appreciate when things do go our way; helps us to not take that for granted.

Adversity also trains resilience, as so many adages tell us. While past hardships may make us anxious and avoidant of future encounters with familiar experiences, we also learn that we can not only tolerate them, but manage and prevail. The best outcome is that adversity overcome in one domain gives us confidence for facing struggles in any other realm of life. It can make us more creative, show us the full extent of our resourcefulness.

High school – College – Relationships – Career – Government – Geopolitics – Health – Longevity – Climate – Life – Death

We truly never know what’s around the corner, much less control it.

This uncertainty hangs on my consciousness more as Daughter prepares for high school graduation and college. More of my life feels uncertain in the coming year than it has felt in a couple decades, though I wonder if in reality the empiric level of uncertainty (how is that even measured?) is always the same? Is that true?

Can we ever say that a certain era or circumstance is more certain than any other? Maybe it’s another paradox? Statistically I am unlikely to get stuck by lightning. I expected, reasonably, that my pregnancies and deliveries would be healthy and uncomplicated. At this point in the history of our government, can we objectively say that anything is more or less predictable or certain than at any other time? What intrinsic and extrinsic factors affect our subjective perceptions and experience of un/certainty?

All of that said, and with so many other deep, philosophical questions swimming in my head tonight, I can still settle down and breathe slowly. I keep coming back to attunement and agency. The older I get the better I’m able to notice my own reactions and tendencies, body and mind cues of stress and threat, peace and confidence. I notice dysfunctional patterns more objectively, with less judgment and resistance; I flow more easily with the functional currents, adjusting behaviors more smoothly, with more grace for self and others. It’s incredibly freeing; I know I can handle whatever comes, because the longer I live, the more I have already faced and overcome already.

I allow my expectations and monitor my assumptions. I remain committed to values and goals, as well as to the flexibility required to maintain them when detours appear on the path. I hold it all loosely and with confidence. I know I can commit and flex–funny, I wrote that post as Son prepared to submit college applications. Patterns and reflections recur in life, yes? It feels similar and different. How wonderful, this opportunity to explore once again. I bet it won’t be the last time.

Bit Post: Hooray for Our Inner Cheerleaders

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Seoul, South Korea

Hey, hey, it’s okay,

We all fuck up anyway!

Hey, ho, let’s go now,

We learn and move on anyhow

Hey now, let’s take heart,

Each of us can do our part

To give each other a new start

Ok so, here we go,

On this journey, ebb and flow

Boo, hiss, our Critic yells, 

Anxiety and blame it sells

Hello no, Cheerleader beams,

We’ got strengths galore in reams

Integration’d be ideal, it seems?

Both perspectives offer truth

Bitter swill and sweet vermouth 

But Critic’s voice too often wins

Harshly calling out our sins 

So let’s give joyful Cheers the mic

To let our spirits get a hike

And give self-efficacy a spike

Humility and confidence 

Both are virtues, both make sense

Our critical and cheerful sides

We need them both to ride the tides

To stay aware and make our strides

In our chaos world of me before all

Critics and Cheers both heed the call

To live our values and when we fall

Stand up again with integrity tall

So no need to silence the Critic, friends 

It plays a role in our best ends

Just make sure to bring Cheers along

Like a playful partner in attitude ping pong

To keep perspective clear and strong

Inspired by Manifesting Success by Elisha Ainsley, narrated by Steve West

Meditation on the Sleepiest app