I Just Want to Talk to People and Write About It

WAIT—I already do this! 

All day, every day at work I talk to people.  I query their perceptions about their health, their habits, relationships, and leadership.  I ask about their families, challenges, and struggles.  We get as personal as they are willing, and it is always a privilege and honor to be allowed into people’s lives like I am.  Between the pre-call, the morning interview, and the debrief, I spend about two hours with each patient during their annual exam, reviewing the year past and anticipating the year ahead.  The best days end with me feeling joyously spent, having attuned and attended to each patient intently while mining all my cumulative expertise, both personal and professional, to compile the most collaborative, relevant, and holistic action plan I can muster.

I have saved face sheets from these annual exams for the past year, all the encounters that felt meaningful to me.  Each paper bears my notes from the interview, essentially a list of ideas/concepts, resources, and recommendations to include on the action plan.  It’s a set of organic notes for myself, a record of how I know each person, what stands out about their life today, the most salient aspects of health and relationships this year.

Internal Medicine is a ‘cognitive’ field—we don’t do procedures.  “I think, therefore I.M.” my American College of Physicians mug says.  I literally talk to people for a living.  And then I write about it.  Each clinic note reports my patient’s state of being, in the context of their life at the time.  Every year I add on to the cumulative ‘social history’—work, eating and exercise patterns, sleep, stress, and relationships.  Reading through that section of the note, I can see how many years I have known the patient, and how each of these aspects of their health has evolved over time.  They rise in the ranks of work, change jobs.  Weight fluctuates.  Kids grow up, graduate, leave home and go to college, get married.  Grandchildren accumulate.  My annual exam note is the record of a person’s life as I hear it.

Each encounter note’s ‘Assessment and Plan’ is essentially a problem list with my description of each active medical issue, interpretation of potential causes and implications, and plan of care.  It serves to guide anyone who cares for the patient in the future (myself included) and to inform patients themselves, so they may know the rationale behind my recommendations.

This past week, I started a new journal to document each encounter for my own benefit—to recall and reflect on each interaction and log my own perceptions (intellectual, relational, visceral, and otherwise) and insights.  Each entry ends with the heading “FEELING”—my attempt to articulate how the encounter affected me personally, what meaning I derived from it.  I LOVE this new practice.

Similarly, I have often journaled feverishly after conversations with my best friends—the deep, philosophical, and bonding ones wherein I grab my journal in real time to jot ideas, insights, and epiphanies.  My days off fill up with calls and coffee dates well in advance, and I now set aside time after each of these encounters to make similar recordings to those after my patients’ annual exams.  Between friends who have known me decades (‘stem cell friends’, as I have named them this week) to lovely new ones who may be decades younger or made in specific contexts (‘tissue friends’), the connections made of late flourish as if doused in Miracle Gro concentrate.  And I’m writing it all down!

This blog will be ten years old in April.  This is the 630th post.  It all started because I wanted to write a book on physician-patient relationship and how to save it.  And yet the focus, content, and organization of Book has eluded me all this time.  But it’s okay; I’m having so much fun with the process, feeling my way through, attending to and reveling in each twist and turn of the journey.  I’m getting closer.  I have no deadline or expectation, no goal other than fostering and honoring what emerges from the most organic and authentic places within me, for no other reason than to connect with people for whom it will be meaningful.

I talk to people.  I listen.  I connect.  I write about it for all our benefit, so our bonds may hold strong long after each encounter, cumulatively, in the most intersecting and inclusive ways.  I do it for a living—not just for an income, but for my very livelihood—I traffic in the spoken and written word to make the highest, deepest connections and meaning in life.  Wow, what a duh-HA! revelation.  And how lucky that my life calling and profession should align so perfectly? 
Book will come eventually, I am confident.  I can feel it. 
Onward.

Love Out Loud

Hey Love!
Good Morning Darling.
Hello Dear One.

More and more, this is how messages from me begin.
OH how wonderful if feels to effuse love every day! I have observed and written for a couple years how I feel liberated and even irreverent about it now, well into middle age–BOOBS OUT. “Tell (people) you love them. Tell them a lot. Make it weird.” Because the more we do it the less weird it is, and the more joyous and connected we all get to be.

I love easily, I think most who know me would agree. Some may wonder if it’s superficial, blind, or even fake. But it feels like none of these to me, and I’m confident not to those I love. I attribute this unreserved tendency to adore to my matrilineal inheritance of optimism and penchant for connection. Ma, her sisters, and my maternal grandmother, 婆婆, all set the example of seeing the best in people first, of loving first, with great openness and, some would say, vulnerability. This does not mean we throw ourselves headlong into random or toxic relationships. We simply, by default, assume the best of everyone we meet and go from there. Most of the time people respond fantastically, and if not, we know how to (lovingly) distance and protect ourselves, if necessary. So the older I get, the more I let loose my inner Agape lover on anyone I meet, and the rewards multiply. I shake my head in wonder almost daily, and it just keeps getting better.

Wonder is exactly the right word for it. I actually wonder how it could be this easy, this rewarding, this uplifting and reciprocal? I’m not sure I really need to answer this question, to look for some subconscious, potentially abnormal driver of this somewhat outlying behavior. I can just revel in the wonder, in the awe, that it simply is.

Interestingly, the louder I love in many ways and with more people, the more I notice the contrast when I don’t. How fascinating! It’s pretty uncomfortable, if I’m honest, because the difference can be quite stark. It feels inhibited, constrained, not like myself. It’s cautious, hesitant based on prior experience, protective. So all my talk about openness and vulnerability still stands; I just think I’m intuitive about risks and costs of engagement, and clear about what I’m willing to expend. If there is any potential for deep and meaningful connection, I’m pretty damn willing. And when I’m not, I can honor that, too. Because I know it’s not from an inherently negative place; I can trust my gut when it tells me to be wary. I also get to regulate consciously, to stay open to noticing when things shift and the possibility and potential of (re)new(ed) connection emerges.

Relationships evolve. Life paths converge and diverge, we flow together and apart over the long, complicated journey. We never know what’s coming, and our perspectives on what’s passed can morph and transform with the broadening perspective of time elapsed.

In the end, how satisfied will we be with how we loved ourselves and one another?

Loving out loud, often, and with abandon can be risky. In my experience, however, reward far outweighs risk and cost. The more I love, the more love grows within, between, and among myself and others. There is simply more love moving about in the world, and that is always a net good thing.

Beliefs as Obstacles

How are we held back by our beliefs in ways we don’t know?

Lately I see the need and benefit of revising my narratives in multiple life domains.  I have told the same stories about certain people and situations for many years, unwavering tales of personality, action, inaction, motivation, and interaction that have largely defined many of my relationships. 
I will be necessarily cryptic here for privacy, and I think my point will still come across.

In the beginning of anything—life, dating, parenting, work—we have formative encounters and experiences that shape our views and behaviors in that realm.  The longer we live, the more our beliefs in each domain intermingle and influence those in others.  We make meaning from our perceptions in real time, integrating current context and past experiences, consciously and sub/unconsciously.  Our worldviews about risk/reward, cost/benefit, justice/mercy, love, responsibility, accountability, and myriad other ideas form early, implicitly at least as much as explicitly.  What’s more, we rationalize everything, justifying opinions and positions with apparently sound and reasoned logic, often not recognizing the irrational, emotional, relational, and sometimes delusional origins of our beliefs.  The most confident, articulate, and clever of us convey our rationalizations so convincingly we persuade not just ourselves, but many of those around us how right we are. 

“I’m not good enough.”
“He’s a narcissist.”
“She always plays the victim.”
“Everything I love gets taken away eventually.”
“All men hurt women.”
“No one can have it all; we must choose between family and work.”
“Anyone who votes for xxx is crazy and a danger to society.”

How true are the beliefs expressed in these statements?
For each one that you may not believe, how many do, wholeheartedly and unquestioningly, even if unconsciously?  How does this impact our interactions with the people and contexts around us?

What statements and stories do you profess consistently?  How true are they, if you are honest?  How have they served you?  How do they not?  What would happen if you revised or refuted any of them? 

This all came up for me this weekend after a two-day workshop on character development and backstory by Emily Golden and Rachel May of Tenacious Writing and Goldenmay editing and coaching.  Focusing on backstory, the workshop demonstrated the relationship between a character’s ‘internal goal’ (the thing they most want in life) and their ‘internal obstacle belief’ (the thing they think will get them to their goal but is actually the barrier they must overcome).  It reminded me of how Nancy Duarte describes the most effective presentations as mirrors of the Hero’s Journey: We are called to adventure and initially refuse.  We are comfortable where we are, why move?  Events then ensue that force us to stand up and engage.  Yet we are still reluctant.  We are shown what could be.  We believe for a moment, then revert to what is—that which we know and have lived—no matter how dysfunctional or destructive.  It takes repeated encounters with what could be, support and challenge from those we trust (or not), to make us see that we must change our mindset, outlook and behavior.  It takes time, effort, disruption of the status quo, and often no small amount of pain.

The value of fiction is that it mirrors humanity in ways that allow us to see myriad human foibles with empathy and compassion.  It’s the protagonists who must overcome their own internal obstacles—we root for them and rejoice in their triumphs at the happy endings.  We want them to succeed, to discard delusion and open their eyes to truth and reconciliation. 

How often do we allow ourselves to acknowledge and have grace for our own flaws?  How can we get more comfortable with self-honesty and -exploration?  How can we better embrace and exercise the vulnerability and courage to recognize how our stories about ourselves and others no longer serve us, and embark on, commit to, the journey of work to revise them for the better? 

The ultimate reward, the worthy triumph of this work is connection, as always.  The better our stories, the more understanding, mutual respect, harmony, and collaboration we can achieve, the better all our lives could be.