Looking back, I wish I had been better for you. When you knew me, I was young in the work. I was well trained and I understood the task in my thinking mind. But I had (still have) a lot to learn about relating to people who are different from me, people whose behavior I don’t understand easily, who rub me the wrong way at first.
I wonder if you felt disliked by me? I hope I was professional/amiable enough, but I know I wear my feelings on my face. My tone and words can be terse and even cold when I feel disconnection. I hope you still felt respected, attended to, even cared for. If not, I own it. I remember you because I knew it at the time–knew I was not my best with you, and yet I could not help it. I had only yet begun the inner work journey that has brought me to today.
I know so much better now. I am so much more self-aware, humble, honest, and accountable. I withhold most judgment now, unlike before. I engage with difference now in openness and curiosity, and take few things personally. I am so much more peaceful inside. Even when I get triggered these days, it’s much less intense and lasts minutes, maybe hours, instead of days. I am far better at asking direct questions to clarify meaning, calling out disrespect, and connecting better or amicably exiting a poor relationship. I don’t let things hang or fester like before.
If/when we meet again, I welcome the chance to reconnect and apologize. I want to show you how much I have learned and grown since you knew me, since I had my potentially negative impact on you. I was doing the best I could, with what I had, at that time. I still am. There is no substibute for experience and time.
Please know that my relationship with you, through its challenge and difficulty, has been the pebble in my shoe making me more mindful, more intentional. I thank you for crossing my path, showing me my deficits and calling me to address them. I hope my future relationships will show my progress, so that even if I cannot make direct amends to you, I can avoid doing similar harm to others. You have made me better.
Wishing you peace, and people in your life who show up better for you than I did. I will stay on my path, and if we meet again, I will smile.
It’s possible that of them all, my relationship with writing is my healthiest. I love it and it loves me, a lifelong love affair. Neither of us harbors unrealistic expectations of the other. Each is wholly joyful when the other shows up to play, and neither feels jealous when the other has been away a while. We are intimate, honest, no pretenses, no conditions; full of possibility and openness. Our encounters are colorful, expressive, portable. I can think of few interactions that so consistently provide such comfort, relief, connection, and insight. True love.
How is my writing already good? –I enjoy it so much, it makes me so happy, and it makes me better. If I did it just for me, this would be enough. –My writing for others is generally well received, based on feedback: clinic notes, Day of Care summaries, letters, cards, emails, social media posts and comments, and this blog. So I do some good for others with my writing, which is rewarding. –I have a distinct voice, which I work to keep honest and authentic. I write about serious things and I choose my words with serious intent, for the most part. I try also, however, to not take myself too seriously when I write (or ever). –I show up to my writing all me, all in. I moderate the BOOBS OUTness according to circumstances. I feel both humble and confident about my better output, glad to have it out in the world.
How could I do it better? –Distinct voice notwithstanding, my style could be more polished, no? Not sure what that would read/sound like…I have a feeling the book will read differently from the blog? –Conciseness. I think I’m getting better at this? Some see my triplet tendency as redundant. So I will ask more often now whether one word is good enough when I typically use three (wince). –Discipline. Daily. Huh. Not sure what book work will look like, but it definitely needs to be more consistent than my writing habits to date. More on this tomorrow… –Judgment. Looking back, I have been harsh when editing others’ writing. I regret this. I know how to be kinder and gentler now. –Diversify. That Creativity poem post was super fun to write, and surprisingly easy. I thought on October 31 that I could try more poetry this month, but it took starting a post at 11:30pm to make me actually do it. And I feel a fiction niggle somewhere deep in my intuition of possibility… oooooo…
What’s already good about society’s writing?
Holy COW, the talent. My jaw drops at the utter giftedness of writers all around the world, in every genre. The imagination, vulnerability, creativity, insight, eloquence–OH MY GOD I stand, sit, read, and listen in awe too often to count. I will never get to benefit from all of the amazing authors’ works–I think that is why I feel urgency to consume as many books as possible–it’s more the addictive GOC (Glow of Consumption) than FOMO. BRAVA and BRAVO to all writers out there–STRONG WORK and WRITE ON!!
Utterly inclusive community OMG. Once again I nod to romance. I wrote to my book club friends, “My romance immersion has broadened my life more than I could have imagined. I connect with readers, writers, and narrators/voice actors directly and learn all about the art, the work, the processes. I have experienced renaissance sexual and relational education that would be hard to get any other way as easily or enjoyably. As with any good fiction, the empathic connection and insights I gain from these books is shockingly useful and applicable in my work and life. The writing community I have connected with through consuming romance is incredibly diverse, knowledgeable, and inclusive. It has all only made my life exponentially better, which I cannot say about many other things..maybe joining my gym.” I see collegiality and mutual advocacy in few other fields as much as among writers–they promote one another’s books, collaborate often, and generally just celebrate each other. What a fabulous example for other professions to emulate!
How could we write better together?
Stop with the banning. Or don’t, actually. The more restrictive and controlling an authority gets, the more it attempts to repress ideas, the more creative, incisive, and subversive the ideas get. The strongest, more inspirational and widely rallying ideas emerge in writing, and always find their intended audience, ban or no ban. So go ahead, ban whatever you want. See what happens. I can just hear my fellow writers: “Bring it.”
Keep it real, not cheap. Text, email, social media posts and comments, direct messages, etc: Fast, convenient, easy. Also high risk for misinterpretation. misunderstanding, and relationship damage. I transgress as much as anyone. Let us slow down and attend to all forms of communication with the presence and respect we all deserve from one another. Less ‘on-the-fly,’ more ‘I’m here with you,’ even if ‘here’ is not face to face.
More snail mail. Write by hand, send it through the post. It’s love on paper and it is priceless. Challenge: This holiday, ink your greetings personally, even just a few words and a smiley face. It will take more time and effort. See how it affects your connections.
30/30 tomorrow, my friends, woo hoooooooo!! What a month in time to debrief, can’t wait can’t wait!
Ooooooooo [rubbing palms together ambitiously]… HOW to write THIS one? [devious facial expression] I feel lighthearted about it and don’t want to offend anyone by minimizing issues and work that mean so much to them. I write with respect.
Here we go.
How do I do politics well already? –I have stopped watching the news and reading political opinion. I am informed enough and much less agitated and confrontational. This gives me the space to consider current events from the more distant standpoint of my core values and how I wish for our systems to work optimally, rather than getting swept up in the the latest bombastic thing someone said or last atrocity perpetrated by one armed force or another. It is NOT that I feel no empathy or compassion for those affected. When moved, I look for and support agencies that advance causes I care about. –In the workplace, I play no games. Honestly I don’t even know what the games are. I show up all me, all in, straight forward. I am honest, respectful, and diplomatic. I give feedback based on objective facts and how I interpret them, rather than assuming that my perceptions are facts themselves. I ask for feedback often. I hold relationships first and check in regularly for connection and shared goals. –I seek and lead conversations around disagreement. I ask a lot of open ended questions based on curiosity more than judgment (imperfectly, but I try my best), and I usually end up listening more than speaking. I get riled up about some things, but even then I my rants are short and core values based, and I can still engage productively. I always learn something valuable in these conversations.
How could I do better? –I guess I could be more ‘active’? I have written postcards to voters in the past, donated to candidates and officials whom I believe do good. Right now other things take precedence; my attention is fininte. –When I engage in politics again, I plan to improve my local issue and personnel awareness. Because that is where my attention and action is likely to have more impact. –When I start consuming political media again, I will be more discerning and look for long form pieces and sources that are clear and open about their biases, and do my best to read widely and divergently.
How does society do politics well already? Baaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaa Sometimes ya just gotta laugh, if only to keep from crying. Okay, okay, let’s see—
Shit still does get done. We may complain every day and rail at the most visible and anonymous folks who ‘run’ things. But when I look around, roads get repaired. People have healthcare (imperfect and frustrating as it so often is). Decisions get made, rules change, and the changes get executed. Then they change back and that gets executed, too. We are able to move–the world does function.
We haven’t descended into total anarchy yet. For most people I know, daily life is still pretty routine, despite the broad and heavy sense of global doom and gloom. It’s not easy, and there are definitely health consequences for many, but life as we know it is not fundamentally threatened. Huh. The more I think about it the more paradoxical it all feels–the sky is falling and life goes on as usual. So there must still be hope, right?
How can we do better? Holy cow, this may be the most optimistic thing I write all month:
Policy ahead of Power. Here is where the electorate needs to step up and act in a concerted countermovement. We need candidates to nominate and elect who found their campaigns on what they will do for the people, the causes they are for, ahead of those who can only criticize and belittle the ‘other side’ the most derisively, fanning our basest ‘us vs them’ emotional flames. We must understand that in order to get shit done, leaders need excellent interpersonal and communication skills. We need negotiators in office, not mercenaries and tyrants. We need people driven by ideals, not status, greed, or power.
Elevate and reinforce civic participation. In order for the electorate to do this, it needs to practice staying informed. Who has time for that? We need systems that make it easier: —Transparency and ready access to real, relevant information. This is done well by some and not others. Voting records, brief memos on rationale, clear and consistent communication on relevant issues are all fundamental requirements for effective political leadership. Campaign finance needs to live completely in the light, full stop. –Hold the press and media accountable. Easier said than done, and profoundly important. “Fake news” is such an incendiary phrase anymore; then again, if we consume less ‘news’ in general and engage in more thoughtful discussion not around daily events and soundbites but actual political ideals and execution of policy in daily life, maybe we can train ourselves into elevated conversations? So, huh, would that diminish the relevance of the media itself? Or maybe shift its focus from click bait to thoughtful discourse? **shudder** Like I said, I may be high on optimism right this minute… –Make it easier to vote: national holiday, longer voting hours, whatever it takes–lower the threshhold, get more people informed and participating.
STOP engaging in and amplifying ad hominem. Just stop. When Politician X spews inflammatory accusations, personal attacks, and otherwise acts out, ignore it. Give it no platform. Every time an obnoxious behavior garners clicks, clips, broadcasts, and engagement, the behavior is reinforced and will be repeated. When your kid throws a tantrum, what’s the best way to get them to stop? Ignore them. When they display good manners and healthy skills? Praise them. Adults are no different–how many times in the past week have you compared a public figure to a child? Media and citizens reinforce public political behaviors with attention and amplification. If we do this more strictly and only for actions and words that advance ideals and policy, and not those that dehumanize and incite, our politics could shift more toward productivity.
Breathe deep and take the long view. Yes, landmark decisions and legislation change our lives quickly. And yet, human history does not move linearly. There will always be tension and exchange between divergent and opposing ideals and forces. This is not necessarily a bad thing; how we manage the tension matters most. Mutual respect, shared humanity and core values, honesty, civility, effective interpersonal skills–these are key for a peaceful, productive society, from elected leaders to the general public, even when the majority of conflicts will never actually be ‘resolved’–just like marriage! We will all always be in relationship forever, we humans, and no ‘side’ will ever vanquish any ‘other’. We’ll all be better off if we learn now how to interact more effectively, in private and public alike.
Huh. Looks like I still have a lot of thoughts about how things could be much better on a large scale. I need to write this book, darn it.
Healing Through Connection 