Category Archives: relationship

What a Privilege

Posted on by
2

NaBloPoMo 2020 – Today’s Lesson

I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it:  People are suffering.  Not everybody, but many, and many pretty badly.  A prolonged global pandemic, unprecedented political polarization, escalating agitation for social justice—any one of these would be enough to push us over the edges of our sanity, and yet here we are, surviving all three and more.

I know it’s a challenging day when I’ve handled three phone calls before getting out of the car at work in the morning, and in the afternoon I think Hallelujah and give joyful thanks for one patient’s globally negative Review of Systems and another’s 95% oxygen saturation.  But this is also the most fulfilling day.  I did good work today.

Like most primary care doctors, my message volume has increased by about 30-50% in recent months. Complex questions and issues require time and patience to think and talk through. Many cannot be readily answered or solved, and the uncertainty calls out all of our anxieties and defenses, insecurities and grievances. Every patient experiences this historic moment in a unique and acute way. As the storm rolls over the neighborhood, I see it land on each doorstep, knowing what’s already in the house—how the furniture is arranged, what’s in the closets, maybe even the state of the foundation. I am allowed inside, invited to inspect and advise.

What an amazing privilege to be a physician in this moment, to witness, and to help.  This is absolutely what I signed up for, what I’m called to, and what I trained for.  I promise to do my best, and we will get through it together.

Up and Accountable, You Hold Me

Posted on by
2

NaBloPoMo 2020 – Today’s Lesson

What if Yoda sang love songs?  Does it not brighten your day just thinking about it?

Who holds you up?  Who holds you accountable?  Do they do it with love?  If you’re lucky like me and the same people do all three, you possess a rare gift.  I learned this again today and the realization sustained me, even through some hard conversations and decisions.

* * * * *

“I feel like garbage after I talk to her,” a friend told me today.  We commiserated around our mutual acquaintance, Dolores*.  Dolores constantly focuses on the negative—how we could always do this or that better, how this or that thing is never right.  She nit-picks and dissects.  It’s hard to be around Dolores; her positive to negative interaction ratio is 0 to infinity—or at least it feels that way. 

We like Apollo* better.   He consistently notices and shows us the good we do.  He points out our strengths to others.  And it’s not lip service—he truly sees, appreciates, and acknowledges how we contribute—we feel his sincerity and gratitude.  His ratio approaches 5 to 1, which is an important sign (driver?) of healthy relationships.

And Apollo’s 1’s, what are those about?  He tests us, makes us uncomfortable sometimes.  We clash with him sometimes on how to walk the talk, on the methods we choose to manifest our mission.  But because our relationships are healthy, because we know our ties are stronger than our tensions, we can negotiate in good faith.  We challenge one another to live up to our ideals—to defend our methods–we hold each other accountable, and we all benefit.

Like I said, lucky.

*not their real names

Affective Polarization

Posted on by
3

NaBloPoMo 2020 – Today’s Lesson

How fun when learning occurs in clusters.  I linked to a recent Hidden Brain podast on my November 4 post.  It was the first time I had heard the term ‘affective polarization.’  Basically it means that we define and dislike people by only knowing their political party affiliation.  Today I listened to a series of theological essays addressing the same issue, from a Christian perspective.  I can’t wait to learn more.

Increasingly, we judge and relate to one another based on this one factor, which may or may not be important to how we define ourselves.  Apparently it’s a pretty new phenomenon, and escalating fast (surprise). 

The podcast discusses how we feel as and about people who are deeply involved in politics or not, and how that affects our attitudes and decisions about which relationships to enter, whom to hire, where to live, etc.  The essays explain further that it has to do with in- and out-group (tribal) identity, self-esteem, and meaning.  In 21st Century American culture, our politics identify us more than they used to—it has replaced religion in this way, perhaps.  But, he posits, while we have cultivated religious attitudes and practices “from dogmatism and fundamentalism toward a faith that is more tolerant, inclusive, peaceable and generous,” not so for politics.  Partisans on both sides are basically fundamentalists, and that carries important implications for violence— the new holy wars.

This may all seem rather alarmist.  But I bet anyone who hears the podcast or reads the articles will recognize and relate to much of their content.  The best outcome from consumption of these pieces will be a little more awareness, and a desire to monitor and modify how we relate, for the better.  Let’s get to it, shall we?