The more I think about it and talk to thoughtful friends, the more I find uncertainty and lack of control at the foundation of the majority of stress and suffering I observe in our fellow humans.
In terms of health, more and more information from commercial blood tests and imaging can be known, but the utility and predictive value of all that extra information is still too often unclear. And so we spiral, worrying about the uncertain future and looking for more tests and the latest ‘hacks’ to ensure the outcomes we want. Capitalist Medicine, as I think of it, preys on our worries, offering test after test without regard to sensitivity, specificity, or predictive value. Too often there is zero clinical consultation before or after people fork over hundreds or thousands of dollars, with minimal explanations for the meaning of ‘green’ or ‘red’ range results. Overloaded and burned out physicians get inundated with messages from worried patients; precious time, energy, and resources are thus expended for unclear and sparse benefit. In time some of these tests, applied specifically and with strong evidence, may help a lot of people. What do we do in the meantime?
Follow Brad Stulberg for evidence-based and practical advice on cutting through hype and sticking to what works. Focus on the basics: Sleep, exercise, nutrition, stress management, and relationships. I emphasize relationships because it’s more complex than we want to admit, especially relationship with self, which is basically self-awareness and self-regulation.
What if we’re already great at sleep, exercise, nutrition, and self-regulation, and we’re still anxious, still ruminating more than is helpful on a future that we ultimately cannot control? How do we get to peace with what is, and stop over-worrying about what could be negative, revel more in what is and could be positive? For more and more of us, life feels VUCA: Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, and Ambiguous. Naturally then, we seek stability, certainty, simplicity, and clarity–we grasp at what comforts–even if it’s false. So how do we get to real, true peace with it all?
That’s the inner work, my friends. It’s different and unique for each of us. Whether it’s family of origin stuff (for so many of us), other trauma, or something else (many somethings!), our patterns of anxiety and compensatory attitude and behavior don’t come from nowhere. And we all learn to carry our anxiety, trauma, etc. in our own dys/functional ways. Look at us, getting through life, getting sh*t done, holding it together the best we can! Good on us, FFS!
My wish for us all is that at the end of our lives, whenever and however it happens, we can each feel vastly more peaceful than regretful. That in those last ten minutes, we can look back and feel satisfied that we lived according to our values, spent our time, energy, and resources on worthy causes and connections, and can leave this mortal life with serenity. I have written before that in order to die at peace, I need to live in peace. That means living as comfortably as possible with uncertainty and lack of control, because that is what life is. I don’t mean that we should never feel anxiety, never acknowledge adversity, lose a little hope sometimes, and rail at what enrages us. I want for us to embrace all of it, allow the intense and difficult feelings, move through them (or let them move through us), with the confidence that we can handle it all, get to the other side of anything, and even gain a little wisdom in the process. I think it’s this confidence and security in ourselves and our connections (because we all need help, whether we admit it or not) that helps us make relative peace with uncertainty and lack of control.
Talk therapy Somatic psychotherapy Meditation of any kind Breathwork Martial arts Prayer Spiritual discernment Mindfulness practice Medication Music Creativity Bibliotherapy Walkabout What else?
I wrote to a patient recently, “I will continue to look for ways to ease your worry.” This is my work. Every conversation informs and educates me on new possibilities, other ways I can help. We go together, my patients, friends, and I, exploring and co-creating according to our values, goals, and aspirations. I do my best not to judge anyone’s anxiety and worry, even as I observe the suffering it causes. We all have our own unique burdens to carry in this life. Whatever we can do to lighten one another’s loads, let’s find a way to do it, yes?
Attune. Attend. Assess. Adjust. Then Activate and Advocate. Always Adapt.
Turns out I’ve been stress eating for the past six weeks or so. I only noticed a few days ago. I’m past the point of berating or judging myself for it, and I also marvel at how stress can manifest so overtly and insidiously at the same time.
What have been your sub/unconscious signs of stress lately? What would those who know and love you say?
My other current signs are lack of motivation to work out at home and a constant urge to write Jar Smiles. That last one is new, and its impulse strong. I tell the story that the nature and level of my current stress is such that only connection with others, however I can get it, can soothe me. So if I want to get back on the elliptical at home, I should probably schedule calls with friends at that time!
It’s been a rough few weeks for us Blue voters. I wonder who among Red voters feels, or even sees our distress? Every time I talk to my Red voting friends I understand better that we live in wildly divergent information universes. I wish to slowly bridge that gap with high quality primary sources and reporting, shared by and with me. This will take time, patience, openness, and true humility.
I see people advocating in the usual way–with overtly adversarial attitude and tactics. Isn’t that how we got here in the first place? Isn’t it time to reconsider our processes and methods? I am no longer interested in protests or writing postcards. I understand their place in activism, but for me they feel neither soothing nor productive. I think all of our jobs now are to self-soothe and advocate effectively. Venting to members of our own tribes can be cathartic and healing. I listened to friends do this for the better part of an hour this past week. We shared stories, concerns, fears, hopes, and support. I was so gratified to not hear ad hominem attacks on any other humans; only anguish over what is and struggle to figure out what to do.
So we must self-soothe. I don’t recommend stress eating, though the foods I eat under stress now are healthier than in the past. I think writing jar smiles is good, as long as I don’t procrastinate necessary tasks too much to write them (how many loads of laundry need folding, again?). Certainly if I’m lashing out at people, self-harming, or otherwise behaving in high-risk or destructive ways as I seek comfort, that is maladaptive. I hope I would have people around me to both support and hold me accountable for my attitudes and actions, and their consequences.
Once I have de-escalated and regained some equilibrium, once I feel stable and grounded in my values and have clarity on both what needs to happen and how I can contribute, I can then direct my energies and actions mindfully, intentionally, effectively, and in concert with others rather than counter to or in competition.
A dear friend asked today for books on ‘reframing arguments/persuasion.’ I answered: “-Getting to Yes, Roger Fisher and William Ury –I Never Thought of It That Way, Mónica Guzmán –High Conflict, Amanda Ripley –Think Again, Adam Grant –Why We’re Polarized, Ezra Klein “It’s about understanding first, explaining second, converting only incidentally, if at all. So much easier said than done, especially when feeling stressed and threatened. Still worth the effort in the long run, if we can muster it, and easier the more we practice/train. Happy to discuss anytime!!”
That last part continues to resonate and give me hope–discuss and take time–repeatedly and in earnest. Healing Through Connection.
I have just causes to advance: women’s health, a stronger and more reliable healthcare system in general, and above all, healthier relationships between humans in any and all contexts. These are infinite games which will outlast my lifetime. If any of us plans to make a meaningful contribution to our respective just causes, then our job is to stay fit enough to continue playing. We must adapt our strategies and execution to conditions and players as they evolve and emerge. We can commit to our Why and be flexible with the Hows and the Whats, as Simon Sinek says.
I think I may have successfully reset a bit this weekend. I connected with friends and family, made good food, and did my first 8am conditioning workout at Ethos in a month. The little love notes hit their marks, I am told. The stress eating awareness already diminishes the impulse; my agency has re-emerged and my nutrition rudder restablized.
All of our highest self-care and relationship skills are called forth now and for the foreseeable future, my friends. I have confidence that we can meet this challenge if we walk together, no matter how we voted, in humility, generosity, kindness, and collaboration.
Healing Through Connection 