Tag Archives: Ben Zander

Practicing the Art of Possibility Since 2009

Posted on by
3

It’s been 15 years since I attended the second ever Harvard Coaching Conference, where I met Ben Zander and The Art of Possibility changed my life. I reference the book’s concepts and practices regularly on this blog, and have given four copies to friends in the last five months–a spate that catches my attention. With the most recent gift, I was moved to listen again, prepared for yet a deeper, more incisive experience, even after having read and listened countless times already. HA!–this just occurs to me–It may be the very practices from the book that underlie this latest re-exploration. Openness, humility, honesty, creativity, authenticity, and connection–I valued these highly even before 2009, and AofP has reinforced them all repeatedly.

Describing the book to a new friend recently, I focused on the authors’ distinction between our Calculating Self, the one engaged in social norms of measurement, competition, and conventional success, and our Central Self, the honest, inner, relational soul that understands and seeks connection and collaboration that brings deep meaning, joy, and peace. I remember flipping through my print copy sometime last year and thinking wow, I have really internalized these teachings! I pull on the catch phrases often–Give the A, Be a Contribution, Rule #6, The Way Things Are, Be the Board–and the practices they point to guide me daily through circumstances and interactions that would have perturbed me much more a decade ago than they do today. The more I thought about it and spoke to Friend, however, the more I wondered what new and more I’d get out of yet another listen–ready for advanced, deeper practice–because though the slope of the curve may have shallowed, I am definitely still learning; I have Possibility yet to harness!

I feel proud of the work I’ve done to lead with my Central Self. It started before the Harvard conference when I connected with Christine, my life coach, in 2005. At that time coaching was seen as froo-froo fringe activity, as evidenced by the groan and eye roll from my colleague when I mentioned it. So I continued silently after that, learning techniques of open, honest questioning, mind-body query, and honoring peoples’ stories, the unique meaning we each make out of any situation, regardless of how or whether it makes sense to anyone else. I have honed high self-awareness and -regulation of my own stories, appreciating both their partial validity and heavy biases, ready (almost) always to have them challenged, corrected, and nuanced. Showing up from my Central Self, recognizing and lovingly inviting forth others’ Central Selves, has yielded such color, texture, meaning, learning, and connection in my life, that it increasingly defies verbal description. Meeting Lessa Lamb at Readers Take Denver last weekend and feeling this instant resonance, I tried articulating it anyway, and it came out as, “Exponentially Synergistic Cosmic ROCKET FUEL,” which is pretty close!

Now halfway through The Art of Possibility again, the humbling has struck. I am indeed proficient at these skills in multiple domains. I have incorporated the principles seamlessly into patient action plans and public presentations for at least the past ten years, each year more organically and easily. Still, in my most complex and difficult relationships, I have far yet to go. Old narratives and deeply grooved relational patterns stemming from childhood–oh how they persist wih force! Thankfully, I also follow Tara Brach and Kristin Neff, and as my self-compassion grows, so too does my capacity for deeper honesty, acceptance, and advanced inner Possibility work. I vibrate at a high relational frequency, and The Art of Possibility has resonated deeply from the moment I heard the authors speak. The teachings amplify my innate signals of deep human connection, and help me show up increasingly All In, All Me, with courage and conviction, including to the work of the slaying and dissecting my own demons.

–*sigh*–

Part of me regrets not being further along on this self-development journey. I’m already 50 years old, worked with Christine since age 32, and others before her. Even with the turbo boost from The Zanders at age 36 and Simon Sinek, Brene Brown, Adam Grant, and others since, I still swirl at times in patterns of fixation, reactivity, and agitation. The episodes are definitely less frequent, intense, damaging, and prolonged, though, so that’s a win, and I feel my inner peace proficiency accelerating lately.

So, to the practices I return:

The Way Things Are: Be with it all, whatever it is, including how I feel about it. I am competent, maybe even expert, and not yet a master. Learn, practice, train, ad infinitum. Mastery may or may not come; the nature of the work is to persist. I can be at peace with this, with all of it, the way it is, while I work to make it all better.

Give the A: As I do for others, I can give myself grace and compassion for showing up every day to do my best. I see my potential and that of others. I help myself by getting help from others, so that I can help others, all of us together on the journey.

Being a Contribution: Every day, with any and every interaction, I can bring my best self, show up to lift up. It doesn’t have to be big or flashy. Presence, eye contact, listening, reflecting, connecting. People can feel well when they meet me. I can help, and lead by example in this way.

Telling the We Story: This one makes me shiver with Possibility. It’s about seeing us all, every single one of us, as inextricably connected–we all matter to one another and to everything in nature–a complex, adaptive system of systems, the butterfly effect in motion and action. When I remember the We story, rather than feeling overwhelmed, I feel calm, empowered, and purposeful, because just by being a better me, I make the world better.

I hope my friends get as much out of this book as I have, over the last 15 years and for many years to come. The wisdom and application are infinite, as we humans muddle and struggle through our own counterproductive behaviors and conventions. The practices in The Art of Possibility give me the validation, confidence, hope, and conviction to keep sharing, speaking, and loving, every chance I get, even (especially) when it’s hard.

Wishing us all a present, open, kind, and loving week. May we connect meaningfully with our fellow humans, and may that connection both anchor and uplift us all.

Relationships, Identity, and Learning

Posted on by
2

Looking back on 30 days of posts, these are the themes that stand out.

Perhaps they also describe well my highest awareness(es) of 2020? 

How do I relate to (literally) everybody, directly and indirectly?  No other year has shown us more clearly how we are all inextricably connected.  One interaction with one other person can infect a whole family or community, make people sick and die.  One exposure affects multiple coworkers and their families, forcing time off, losing hours and income, impacting kids and schools.  Anyone who does not recognize our unbreakable ties right now is either not paying attention or simply in denial.  But beyond this, how do we show up for those around us?  Do I make people’s day net better or worse for having encountered me?  If I die tomorrow, will I have made a positive difference in the short time that I lived?  How does my presence affect any/everything, and how can I make it the best possible?

Who am I?  What defines me?  I think it’s my relationships.  But what is the balance of internal vs external expectations and standards here?  How much do I need people to like me, what does that tell me about who I am, or not?  What does it mean to be my most authentic, Central Self?  What if I’m not perfect?  How much failure is acceptable, especially when it’s repeated?  Am I really an honest person if I continue to deny a truth about myself?  Can I say I have integrity if my actions don’t always align with my professed beliefs?  I define myself by certain core values, which I declare often.  But how well am I really living them?  How could I do better?

How funny that it’s all connected this way.  My relationships show me who I am.  Leadership and doctoring, at which I spend the majority of my waking hours, is all about people.  I am my best when I down-regulate my internal noise and attune to those around me, while also differentiating along my core values and identity.  But I have learned this year that I get emotionally hijacked more often than I like to admit, and my highest, best self takes flight in a nanosecond.  How fascinating!  I’ve walked this path of self-reflection and awareness as long as I can remember, and I’ve come a long way.  And there is still so long to go, so much left to learn, relearn, apply, and master.

Sitting here in reflection, though, I don’t feel distress.  Rather I feel deep gratitude (and also a bit sleepy—maybe I’d be my better self if I went to bed earlier?).  All of this deep thinking, analysis, and writing takes energy.  But it’s not draining.  I have reveled often at how well supported I am in this work—by friendly and unfriendly allies alike.  The challengers teach me the most.  It all fuels me.  So there must be some purpose, right?  Some calling I’m meant to hear and answer, to make this life the best it can be? 

I’ll keep listening and doing my best. 

Be Brave- Be the Change

Posted on by
2

So, what stands out most to you these days?  Surging COVID cases and hospital admissions?  SCOTUS aberrations?  Election tension and drama?  A sense of doom and nihilism about the future of humanity?  Hope requires ever more effort to acquire and maintain, no?

So many people complain about how divided we are, how the country is headed toward civil war… How we can’t talk to our friends who disagree… As if there nothing we can do about it.  But they attack my position, they just yell and scream, they get so emotional, I hear.  It’s too hard to talk, so I abandon my relationships that used to bring joy and connection.  And I blame the other; I take no responsibility myself.

Huh.

What’s the phrase, Be the Change you wish to see in the world?

Maybe we could do this a little more?

And then elect people who can lead by a much better example?  What would that be like?

Yes, it’s work. So. Much. Hard. Work.  And it never ends.

What’s that other phrase?  If not us, who? If not now, when?

We are all full participants here–the current state of things is the logarithmic sum of all of our relationships—the good, bad, ugly and all.  For whom are we waiting to save us?  How much longer will we each play the hapless victim?

We ALL share responsibility.

But it’s too hard, I hear.  Yes, I know.  I’m sorry, there is no way around this.  And it’s okay!  We can do hard things!  Humans have dominated our environment, defied nature, and flourished for generations.  And yet, we somehow still succumb to our most primitive and self-defeating tribal instincts—how fascinating!  Sometimes I really do feel like we will drive ourselves to self-destructive extinction in my lifetime.  But every day I wake up is another opportunity to avert this fate. 

And it is hard!  Every day I bite my tongue, moderate my thoughts and words so as not to slide down the rabbit hole of despair and denigration.  I still commit ‘passionate trash mouth’ as a friend calls it—I often follow “Be the Change” with “Own Your Shit.”  I’m not perfect.  But my mission is worthy and I pursue it with fervor.

It doesn’t have to be anything grand or far-reaching.  We can just remember a few things, for starters, to get us through whatever comes next—to exercise our own agency, each of us, to shape it all for the better.

The Opposition Will Not Be Vanquished.  Neither will they stop opposing.  Polarities are necessary and healthy in life.  Both conservative and progressive ideals serve the common good.  Competing and parallel goals and values will always co-exist—it’s a paradox—and the more we can accept this necessary and inextricable relationship, the sooner we can move with the push/pull flow rather than against it.

I lean progressive; you lean conservative.  Rather than mutual categorical conquest, we can seek dynamic balance—of power and goals, among other things.  Life with other humans is a dance; it requires attunement and differentiation, give and take, and mutual cooperation for us all to thrive.  Extreme ad hominem rhetoric and arrogant, self-righteous displays of disrespect fracture our relational foundations.  Cracks then propagate widely and we find ourselves here, on the verge of violence and social disintegration.

Find and Acknowledge the Kernel of Truth.  Life coaching taught me one of the most important lessons in life:  Everybody’s right, and only partially.  When the opposition criticizes you, your position, or the outcomes of ‘your side’s’ policies, do you validate the partial truth of that criticism?  Do you even see it?  Or do you maintain that your side is always right, and the opposition is always wrong?  Give and take, remember?  Admitting a flaw does not mean invalidating an entire ethos or platform.  Complex adaptive issues cannot be solved or even managed with sweeping and yet oversimplified, sound-bitten solutions.  I acknowledge the imperfection(s) in my program.  And, my intentions and objectives are important and worthy.  How can I learn from your challenging perspective and make mine better, more accountable and resilient, in service of more people?  What small steps can we take toward mutual understanding and collaboration, rather than bickering and stalemate?  How is my opposition actually my ally?

It Starts With Me.  Stop bystanding—complaining and whining like a spectator.  Rather, upstand for civil discourse—engage.  When someone yells at/near me in criticism and contempt, I can yell back, give as good as I get.  I can get defensive, stonewall, or disengage.  These are the horsemen of the relationship apocalypse, as John Gottman describes them (read about the antidotes here).  Instead of fight, flight, or freeze, practice tend and befriend.  Acknowledge people’s emotions and core values on all sides.  Empathize.  Verbalize understanding.  Voice your hurt feelings and invite the other to understand your personal perspective.  Tell your story.  Invite others’ stories and listen wholeheartedly.  Scary, right?  Vulnerable.  Brave. 

This moment calls us forth to peel off the heavy armor of hostility, binary thinking, and tribalism.  We are called to meet the ‘opposition’ disarmed and disarming, offering humility and compassion, on the open field of shared humanity and common goals.  We must advocate for our causes repeatedly with ardently calm and patient logos as well as pathos, and hear the others’ retort, calm and patient or not, with open hearts and a learning attitude.  It is up to each of us to lead by example. 

We cannot ‘beat’ them; we may or may not join them; and we can always meet them.  Negotiation is always possible, and like in all relationships, we must all show up in good faith, and have some faith in the each other.  We must commit and live up to our own trustworthiness first.

These are all skills we can learn, practice, and master.  There are models all around us.  We only have to look, listen, and emulate.  If you’re interested in more formal training and practice, check out Braver Angels and Better Arguments.  I’m signed up for another training session in December.  Practice makes better.