NaBloPoMo 2024: What I Hold for Us

“What can I hold for you?”

Friend asked me at the end of lunch, after I had shared some hard things about life at the time. I have rarely felt quite so loved and cared for, so seen and utterly held, just in the asking.

This is my tenth consecutive annual 30 day blogging challenge. By now I have confidence that I can complete the task. The theme emerges easily and intuitively each year, always a pleasant and knowing surprise. The real challenge is to create thirty pieces that I’m proud to save and share, to not overthink, and not sacrifice sleep. Let’s go.

I had initially named this year’s theme “What I Wish for You.” That’s too passive. I do a lot more than wish things, especially the relationally meaningful and important things I intend to write about. I work for these things. So I turned onto “What I Hold for You; What I Do for Us.” But that was a bridge too far, somehow separating (elevating?) myself from people, which is not my MO.
I’m about connection in all circumstances.

Thus “What I Hold for Us.” That feels right. Holding is a gentle action, yet powerful and strong; active yet unobtrusive. It attunes and attends; it persists. It has depth and carries intention. Holding, like standing and planting, implies perseverance and resilience. This is what I want for us all, now and for the foreseeable future–we need it.

Doing this challenge in 2024 feels different from and higher stakes than in 2016 and 2020, the last two presidential election Novembers. Anxiety and tension have intensified; even the most equanimatous people I know are agitated. Conflict escalation feels inevitable; desperation and hopelessness lurk everywhere. I have ceased political activities for some years, and consume political news in the smallest possible bites. I have held that we are all humans, here doing our best every day, getting along close up even as we denigrate one another in groups from afar. We are tragically and heroically paradoxical, we humans, and I embrace it, love us for and despite it. Yet now, the week before voting closes, even I cannot escape the dread.

“‘What can I do, I am only one person?’ said seven billion people.” I can write.

This month, this year, in this season of society, we must resist the pull of toxic politics. I intend to hold this line: The line between connection and separation, between shared humanity and dehumanization. My political and policy leanings may show, and I will let them. They will always take a back seat, however, to my commitment to relationship and connection.

Six days now until who knows what. Deep breaths. We are all in this together, folks. Whoever you perceive as your enemy will not be vanquished. And it’s not about that anyway. We suffer from serious and significant differences, yes. It feels life- and liberty-threatening to people on both/all sides–existentially terrifying. Still, if we breathe deeply for a moment and look all around, the unassailable truth of collective human resilience and the potential for cooperation still shines through the cracks of rhetorical rubble. I will write from this emphatic perspective the whole month, rooted here with my entire being.

I Hold Us–All of Us.

Chengerisms and NaBloPoMo 2024

“Hey friend, favor?
“When you think of me, what things do you hear me say all the time that signify to you who I am and what I’m about? 🤔
“…Collecting ‘Chengerisms’”

The compulsion overtook me Thursday evening, when I should have been finishing clinic notes and packing for LA. I texted a slew of people in a flurry with the question above, intending to assemble their answers into backbone for National Blog Posting Month in November. For those who don’t know, NaBloPoMo challenges bloggers to publish 30 posts in 30 days, all written in real time. It coincides with NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, a sprint to write a 50K word manuscript in the same time.

This will be my tenth consecutive NaBloPoMo challenge–BRING IT, I say!

My “Chengerisms” query, I see now, was actually me gathering validation and support for showing up all me, all in, BOOBS OUT at the Writers Rising retreat this weekend. My subconscious intuition knows what I need; I sense, trust, and follow better with age. Replies rolled in with speed, earnestness, and so much love it positively bowled me over. Highly recommend!

The strongest messages I perceived throughout the conference reinforced all of my highest writing and living values:
Let loose your curiosity
Take risks
Tell the truth
Honor your Central Self
Own Your Shit
You are enough
Assemble your pit crew
Connect, connect, connect!

How tightly these correlated with the Chengerisms my friends mirrored to me:
What is that about?
How fascinating!
Tell me more…
Hey friend
How did that feel?
Love you love you
Yaaaay!
One breath
Walk the talk
BOOBS OUT (apparently catching on in my small circles–yaaaayy!)
Tribe
Sooo human.

This spontaneous, subconscious-driven exercise shows me the profound importance of good, loving feedback and the absolute value of meaningful relationship. My response to almost every reply was a sincere and heartfelt, “I feel seen!”

While I continually noodle on content and structure of Book (I’m getting closer, really!), I feel a limbic and visceral certainty about how I want readers to feel throughout and especially at the end–seen, validated, inspired, empowered, and convicted. This NaBloPoMo, I aim to color in and sharpen that vision, saturate my thinking and writing brain with it.

At the end of an executive physical, I want my patient to feel thoroughly understood. I show that I know them, even if I only see them once a year, by reflecting their stories back to them, interpolating and extrapolating what’s not said, checking in, and providing what I know patients need from their doctors: personal connection in service of self-efficacy for health. So this year for NaBloPoMo, I commit to the theme:

What I Wish For You

Thirty things I want patients, readers, or anyone, really, to experience after encountering me in person or in print. Chengerisms in action. I will resist wallowing in guilt and shame when I notice how often I fall short of these aspirations. When I see perfectionist self-loathing approach I will divert it to the nearest off-ramp. All part of the process.

This could be both fun and enlightening! Let’s see what happens, eh? Ready, set, let’s go.


I Just Want to Talk to People and Write About It

WAIT—I already do this! 

All day, every day at work I talk to people.  I query their perceptions about their health, their habits, relationships, and leadership.  I ask about their families, challenges, and struggles.  We get as personal as they are willing, and it is always a privilege and honor to be allowed into people’s lives like I am.  Between the pre-call, the morning interview, and the debrief, I spend about two hours with each patient during their annual exam, reviewing the year past and anticipating the year ahead.  The best days end with me feeling joyously spent, having attuned and attended to each patient intently while mining all my cumulative expertise, both personal and professional, to compile the most collaborative, relevant, and holistic action plan I can muster.

I have saved face sheets from these annual exams for the past year, all the encounters that felt meaningful to me.  Each paper bears my notes from the interview, essentially a list of ideas/concepts, resources, and recommendations to include on the action plan.  It’s a set of organic notes for myself, a record of how I know each person, what stands out about their life today, the most salient aspects of health and relationships this year.

Internal Medicine is a ‘cognitive’ field—we don’t do procedures.  “I think, therefore I.M.” my American College of Physicians mug says.  I literally talk to people for a living.  And then I write about it.  Each clinic note reports my patient’s state of being, in the context of their life at the time.  Every year I add on to the cumulative ‘social history’—work, eating and exercise patterns, sleep, stress, and relationships.  Reading through that section of the note, I can see how many years I have known the patient, and how each of these aspects of their health has evolved over time.  They rise in the ranks of work, change jobs.  Weight fluctuates.  Kids grow up, graduate, leave home and go to college, get married.  Grandchildren accumulate.  My annual exam note is the record of a person’s life as I hear it.

Each encounter note’s ‘Assessment and Plan’ is essentially a problem list with my description of each active medical issue, interpretation of potential causes and implications, and plan of care.  It serves to guide anyone who cares for the patient in the future (myself included) and to inform patients themselves, so they may know the rationale behind my recommendations.

This past week, I started a new journal to document each encounter for my own benefit—to recall and reflect on each interaction and log my own perceptions (intellectual, relational, visceral, and otherwise) and insights.  Each entry ends with the heading “FEELING”—my attempt to articulate how the encounter affected me personally, what meaning I derived from it.  I LOVE this new practice.

Similarly, I have often journaled feverishly after conversations with my best friends—the deep, philosophical, and bonding ones wherein I grab my journal in real time to jot ideas, insights, and epiphanies.  My days off fill up with calls and coffee dates well in advance, and I now set aside time after each of these encounters to make similar recordings to those after my patients’ annual exams.  Between friends who have known me decades (‘stem cell friends’, as I have named them this week) to lovely new ones who may be decades younger or made in specific contexts (‘tissue friends’), the connections made of late flourish as if doused in Miracle Gro concentrate.  And I’m writing it all down!

This blog will be ten years old in April.  This is the 630th post.  It all started because I wanted to write a book on physician-patient relationship and how to save it.  And yet the focus, content, and organization of Book has eluded me all this time.  But it’s okay; I’m having so much fun with the process, feeling my way through, attending to and reveling in each twist and turn of the journey.  I’m getting closer.  I have no deadline or expectation, no goal other than fostering and honoring what emerges from the most organic and authentic places within me, for no other reason than to connect with people for whom it will be meaningful.

I talk to people.  I listen.  I connect.  I write about it for all our benefit, so our bonds may hold strong long after each encounter, cumulatively, in the most intersecting and inclusive ways.  I do it for a living—not just for an income, but for my very livelihood—I traffic in the spoken and written word to make the highest, deepest connections and meaning in life.  Wow, what a duh-HA! revelation.  And how lucky that my life calling and profession should align so perfectly? 
Book will come eventually, I am confident.  I can feel it. 
Onward.