Category Archives: gratitude

The Inner Voice Committee: My Counsel of Self

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“Your inner critic is not usually this loud.”

Thank God for dear friends. Readers of this blog know my deep gratitude for Donna, who has lifted me out of funks now more times than I can count. Yesterday after a kickass (as in it kicked my ass) workout at Redefined Fitness and while inhaling our eggs and potatoes at Egg Harbor, she helped me work through my latest mental morass. ‘Breakthrough’ could be an understatement.

What are our inner voices? What do they tell us? What purpose do they serve?
I quote some of mine:
“I am fat. Other people must feel disgust when they look at me.”
“I am awesome: loving, connected, attuned, smart, holistic, and integrative.”
“I am not enough; must do more, be more, show more, lead more, leave more good behind.”
“I have too many gifts to have been earned–must have been a martyr in a past life–thus I must give back and pay forward.”
“I just love me.”
“I have really fucked up _______ and ________, omg.”

So much paradox! And it’s not quite noise or cacophony, more like a dissonant symphony, full of musicians committed to playing together but just not always on the same page or in the same key? Not totally worked out that metaphor yet. But another one emerged suddenly and strongly, and the ideas below flowed as if out of a fire hose:

My Inner Voices each have a persona, and they sit in conference at the round table of my being. In the 16 hours after brunch with Donna, I have now identified eight of them and given them names. I have gotten still and closed my eyes, feeling their energy. I sense their posture and see their wardrobe. The image of their presence at the table, individually and collectively, reframes my attitude toward them all, and I am both surprised and not at all of it. I shake my head in utter appreciation of my friend, for seeing me, whole and unbroken, if a bit unbalanced. Turns out my Gallup strengths show up a lot in my Voices: Input, Maximizer, Positivity, Connectedness, Learner.
Thank you, Donna, for your loving, honest, clear, and shining reflection of my self. I hope I do the same for you.

This will be long, my friends. It’s all for me–to document today so I may look back in the future and see where I was and how the path will have unfolded hence. I’m so excited.
And I wonder how it may stimulate your own Counsel of Self?

The Body Shamer
ENERGY: Low and negative. Fear, externally focused. Not calm, rather anxious. Low agency–fascinating! Not angry, but judgmental. Fearful of losing control, of irrevocable descent into fatness and all of the limitations thereof.
POSTURE: Small. Hunched but staring, as if from a dark corner–dark in general, almost nauseated; pointing.
WARDROBE: Darkly robed in rough, uncomfortable fabric.
AT THE TABLE: Sitting upright. Protective, like parents: Here to keep things in order, to monitor and hold me to account.

The Creator
ENERGY: BRIGHT, high. Pacing, bouncing, excited, eyes wide open–open open!!–grabby, loud, unconstrained, seeking, querying, integrating, exploring, inviting.
POSTURE: Tall, wide, constantly in motion, gesturing enthusiastically. Leaning in close, tight, then expanding in victory pose.
WARDROBE: Light fabrics, comfy, that move with her, sleeves pushed up. Flowy, light colored florals, maybe. Hair tied back neatly and practically, pretty.
AT THE TABLE: A bit more regulated. Sitting upright, alert, looking and listening for opportunities to jump on and start new projects–attuned to integration openings. Encouraging to others at the table.

The Learner/Scholar
ENERGY: Also bright, but much calmer than Creator. Studious. Curious. Slower, more cognitive, pulling on all files (well organized and deep) of past learning to apply to new information/knowledge. Serious yet open, smart, sharp, prides herself on seeing connections that others may miss. Confident and strong; powerful.
POSTURE: Upright, usually sitting–pen in mouth, hands flying over keyboard, perusing images, graphs, abstracts, articles.
WARDROBE: Work clothes. Well fitted and professional, bright tops and black bottoms, stylish but practical footwear.
AT THE TABLE: Sits back, content and confident to have made contributions in advance. Knows that learnings are there to access–like proud elder ready to watch others apply. This one surprised me as it emerged.

The Driver
ENERGY: Impatient, urgent, prodding; but also proud and encouraging–confident in me–knows my power and potential. Humming vibration of motivation, always in gear, never neutral.
POSTURE: Crouching? Always in ready position–to push, to tow, to squat, to DRIVE. Tense, contracted, high muscle tone, not relaxed.
WARDROBE: Workout clothes? Warm up suit like a coach? Or maybe Asian Grandma.
AT THE TABLE: Sits next to Body Shamer? They are both there to motivate, to hold accountable; they hold standards (but whose?). Alert, worried that the rest of the voices will slack and derail? Feels proud and satisfied as long as the conference persists, the dialogue, activity, and motion continue.

The Connector/Lover
ENERGY: LOVING. Open, kissy, huggy, sticky, curious, wants to know everybody deeply. Forceful with light and power, like Creator but directed at individual people rather than ideas and projects. The human origin of the happy/excited emoji string. Mantra is, “This person has something great to offer and I will find and amplify it!”
POSTURE: In. your. face, grinning. Bouncy high energy like Creator; standing, jumping, hugging, gesturing, and with wildly expressive facial expressions.
WARDROBE: Comfy clothes–oversized fleece, cardigans, big sleeves, black leggings. Envelop-you-and-me clothes, to cuddle and cradle coffee mugs together. Soft colors, fluffy socks, stuffies and plushies close by.
AT THE TABLE: SMILING. Bouncing to tell the story about the last amazing conversation and turn to Learner and Creator to see how to incorporate/integrate it with existing files about humanity and relationships, eagerly awaiting the ‘next assignment’ or opportunity to meet someone new. Giddiness barely contained.

The Carer
ENERGY: Serene. Calm. Not quite solemn but much better regulated than Creator and Connector. Adjacent to Learner? Work Cathy = Learner + Carer. Attentive, intent on listening, hearing, sensing, attuning. Open, welcoming, nonjudgmental. Empathic, not just empathetic. Like Connector but more focused and aimed deeper.
POSTURE: Leaning in, steady, high eye contact, but not invasive. Slow, close, sitting; not fidgety.
WARDROBE: Lunch clothes–between gym and work. Dressy yoga pants, comfy and flattering top, whatever allows for attention to be all on the other person.
AT THE TABLE: Calm like Learner, present and not that loud. Not that much to say; presence is known, felt, counted on. Learner and Carer chair the committee most of the time, I think.

The Crusader/Campaigner (ENFP of 16 Personalities)
ENERGY: HIGH. In motion, driving forward with purpose. Holds the ‘Our Relationships Save Us’ banner high and marches in front. Steady, no matter where she walks her presence is felt and known, encouraging and motivating–the cheerLEADER.
POSTURE: A little like Driver, crouching to rise up in conduction of the stadium wave, pacing the sidelines, pep talking and, of course, gesturing.
WARDROBE: Sporty, versatile, can be dressed up or down to go from work to give a talk to casual social event. Stretchy, bright fabrics, chunky heeled Dansko Mary Janes for marching in practical comfort and style.
AT THE TABLE: Like Creator looking for signs/opportunities to move the group, to integrate all voices in the direction of the Why and our Just Cause: to elevate all relationships we touch. Sees herself as the reminder of mission; operates the Bat Signal.

The Cynic
ENERGY: Male. Holding back, untrusting; a resistance. Sticky on the floor, high friction. Reserved, hesitant, almost disengaged–inhibited. Opposite energy of Connector and Creator. Narrow, cautious, not native to the group. Not unwelcome but not allowed to lead.
POSTURE: Quiet, upright but not forceful; alert and attentive, respectful. Listening for risk, ready to soothe and validate when other voices get despondent about connection thwarted or need a moment to vent and swear about how ‘people suck.’ Knows seat at table is guaranteed, valued, and purposeful; knows when to speak and not.
WARDROBE: Not mine. White button down dress shirt and gray trousers. Never changes, no color, bland.
AT THE TABLE: Straight and stiff, non-effusive. Quiet, but not afraid to speak; knows that his voice will be treated critically, not dismissed but heavily scrutinized. He can be humorous–the cutting, sarcastic, fatalistic variety. May have an alter ego who shows up as East Asian Woman Comedian?

The Committee/Counselors
ENERGY: Respectful, purposeful, collegial, all in the metaphorical boat, rowing in the same direction, their backs fully in it, no question.
Each voice holds its own space, self-regulating and interacting calmly, offering others the curiosity and openness that is my ethos.
AGENDA: Whatever occupies my consciousness at the time; one or more of the voices may be agitated and even in conflict. They come to the table ready to negotiate in good faith, assuming the best of one another, always on the same team. Ambivalent advocacy is okay; adversarial is not.
GOALS, METRICS, OUTCOMES: Align, Assign, Act, Assess, Repeat. Hey, A5R! 😀

Newly convened, I now get to decide how often my Inner Voice Committee/Counsel of Self will gather and commune hereafter.
This could be awesome.

Healing Through Connection

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“How did you get to be so kind, generous, compassionate, empathetic, self-aware, thoughtful, and creative?”

I asked this of someone I admire recently, and then considered all the other people I know and admire to whom I’d ask the same thing. Knowing what I know about their lives, here is my story.

We emit and express these qualities from at least two origins:

First, we have felt them from other people. We were open to and received kindness, compassion, empathy, thoughtfulness–love, basically–from fellow humans. It was role modeled to us. Second, we experienced challenges, struggles, and pain that taught us the value and importance of having this love in our lives. As I think more, these experiences–feeling loved and supported in times of crisis and pain–integrate to make us stronger and more resilient, more grounded in ourselves and open to relationship with others. This is the essence of Healing Through Connection.

Consider the folks you know who exude these qualities. I bet you could easily describe them as Strong and Soft, vulnerable and courageous, with a depth, mass, and volume that can hold space and tolerance for a wide and divergent field of ideas and experiences, even and especially conflicting and paradoxical ones. They are the ones we seek when we long to feel this wideness, this grace.

Then I think about how the opposite happens: When in times of existential crisis and pain we feel isolated, unperceiving of love and support. Just thinking about it evokes a deep sadness, an instant recognition of profound loneliness that seeks immediate relief. What is this dynamic? How does it happen that someone faces pain and struggle truly alone and devoid of kindness, empathy, compassion, and grace–of any connection–shown to them? I know it happens, and I am likely guilty of ignoring or simply being oblivious to other’s struggles as I go about my own busy life.

So when I come across someone who exudes the opposite of kindness, empathy, compassion, generosity, openness, and grace, what story do I tell about that? How does my story, told subconsciously and automatically, then affect and even dictate how I show up to that person? How might I modify and optimize my default story to then raise the likelihood that I will interact with this person in a way that connects and heals?

We’re living in tumultuous and fraught times, friends. The stories we tell about one another, the presence or absence of love in our daily encounters, matter more now than ever. Look around you for the role models. See how they move through life with ease and joy, resilience and hope, optimism despite everything. Observe them, query them, emulate them. Feel the rewards of connection with them, and amplify that.

It’s never too late, and no action is ever too little, to Heal Through Connection.

Owning Our Leadership: Ethos Self-Efficacy Session 2

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How do you lead?

I like to ask a question at the start of a post because it feels like an invitation… Like I’m starting a conversation. Because the purpose of this blog is not just to express my own thoughts and ideas, but to connect with others who are willing and excited to engage with them and me. I just never know when, where or who the next great connection will be, and it’s one of the best uncertainties in life.

As I prepared for my second self-efficacy session at Ethos today, all I wanted to do was explore questions. I know my own approach to leadership, how I have evolved in my own practice of it, etc. And I am happy to ‘impart’ any of that to anyone who asks, but these self-efficacy sessions are meant to stimulate attendees’ own explorations and assessments. I am simply the facilitator. So I came with more queries than teachings. Looking back, I wish I had invited more questions as well. Learning for next time!

The group was small, five of us who know each other already, three who attended my first session in March. No dry erase writing this time, just slow, thoughtful reflection and sharing. I know now that regardless of audience size or composition, I can show up loving and present, and navigate any dynamic with a strong rudder of openness and connection. And I’m rewarded so generously every time.

Words that recurred today included energy, empathy, together, expectation, growth, awareness, humility, discomfort, vulnerability, and love, among others. I will continue to reflect on my friends’ insights and expressions, and learn from them. Please find below the questions I prepared, as well as a few that emerged in conversation. We did end up discussing most of them, without feeling rushed or forced. It all flowed in easy, loving exchange. We led ourselves and one another in exactly the way I had hoped we would, and I am nothing but grateful.

I hope you experience excellent leadership in your life, dear reader–both of you and by you. And if you are unclear or unsure how to lead well or better, may opportunities for clarity and confidence meet you soon on your journey.

Oh, and in case you have not already considered:
Assuming you are a leader in any given space, regardless of title or status, how does this affect/change how you show up, to yourself and to others?
If you knew you could lead from any chair in the orchestra of your family, your work organization, and humanity, how would you play?

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Ethos: Own Your Leadership
June 22, 2025

Curious – philosophical – concrete –> Apply

Why here today? Curious about…?
What is leadership?
How do we know we’re being led?
How do we know we’re leading?

What is your first act of leadership in memory (mine was in preschool)?
–What was the outcome/consequence?
–What did it teach you?

What is your leadership style and (how) does it change with context?
–How has it evolved over time (drift)?
–Any seminal experiences that shifted it?

How do we feel when led well?
How do you want those you lead to feel–about themselves, the work, and you?
–How does this inform how you show up?
–How do you think/assume/// they want to feel?

What feedback have you gotten about your leadership?
What feedback have you given about others’?
What are the compontents of effective feedback, both giving and receiving?