How Are You a Helper?

Photo by Eileen Barrett

I have thought actively about this question for weeks now, if not many years.

It’s easy to see doctors, nurses, teachers, and childcare workers as Helpers–we do it for a living. Do you consider yourself a member of a Helping profession? Why and why not?
Here is my premise: We are all Helpers.

I just spent two days at Readers Take Denver, my first ever book event (it’s all about romance, surprise!). I skipped my annual national professional society meeting, in the city where Son goes to school, to attend this giant convention where I would meet some of my favorite voice actors and fellow Shane East fanatics. It. Was. Glorious.

I decided to get the whole experience, so I registered to volunteer for parts of the event. I was assigned to help Susie Tate for an afternoon, taking pictures with readers and moving books. I knew of her but have not read or listened to any of her work. Turns out she’s a doctor in the UK! We hung out between signings, and when anyone approached the table I got so excited to help a fellow woman physician writer connect with her readers! What a privilege. Looking back on our conversations, it stands out to me that Susie’s work as both physician and romance author helps people immensely. She may see 50 patients a day in her general practice clinic, and when someone is sick she knows how to navigate the system to get them admitted while also caring for everybody else on her schedule. It’s heroic. She draws on her medical knowledge and experience in writing novels with complex characters, living relationships of struggle and redemption. Readers and listeners relate to her stories and gush about how much her books mean to them. Susie Tate and all of her romance author peers are Helpers, no question.

Let’s also consider the amazing, talented, generous, and gifted romance narrators, shall we? I have now met Shane, as well as Jason Clarke, Sofia Lette, Kit Swann, Angelina Rocca, Gary Furlong, Henry Kramer, Sean Crisden, Lessa Lamb, Chris Brinkley, Aaron Shedlock, and Teri Schnaubelt. Not only do they bring these empathic stories to life in our ears, but they are, themselves, some of the most kind, compassionate, present, thoughtful, and attuned people I have met. It makes sense, right? They engage with stories every day, putting themselves in a diversity of characters’ shoes, minds, and hearts, all in service of helping us relate more deeply and meaningfully to our shared humanity. Wow. Helpers. God bless ’em all.

En route to Denver, I texted my Ethos friends (who are all basically 20 years my junior):

The Ethos Breakfast Club showed up! Encouragement, reflection, validation, humor, and love flowed forth more than I could have imagined, and I felt immediately buoyed. I was able to present at the convention not just to Shane, but to everybody I met, all me and all in, feeling humbly confident, grounded, and attuned. If you are a friend, you are a Helper! In times of struggle, pain, defeat, and fear, who but our friends lift us up? In times of joy, accomplishment, celebration, and connection, who but our friends ampify the light most brightly? I say often, “The only way out is through; the best way through is together.” It is a truth I hold sacred; none of us does anything without help from others.

And it was on me to ask for the help I needed, no? Helping oneself, in this case knowing when, where, and on whom to call, is a life skill, as important as any other. Individualistic Western culture promotes a delusion of self-made-ness that harms us. With help from one another, we can learn to balance independence with interdependence and live richer, more stable, and more fulfilling lives. We simply cannot overestimate how much human connection helps and heals.

Know it, like it, want it or not, we are all in relationship. All humans, everything in nature, the cosmos. Therefore, anytime you do something that makes anything better for anyone else, you Help us all. Stocking grocery store shelves. Driving a city bus. Growing food. Performing standup comedy. Listening. Parenting. Taking care of yourself.
Imagine if we defined any given job or activity as Helping? How would this change our perspective about its role in society? How would we show up differently to the work in this new context? ‘Helping,’ as a concept, feels very different from ‘providing a service.’ The former is personal; the latter is transactional.
Helping is connecting, person to person, recognizing and honoring shared humanity.

Identify as a Helper.

How could everything be better if we all practiced this, even a little bit?

Susceptible

How do you assess risk?

For a long while now I have thought of risk in terms of intrinsic and extrinsic factors. For any given challenge, any individual (or collective) may have certain baseline predispositions for a certain consequence or outcome. The intersection of those innate properties with the external environment and conditions then create the actual outcome(s). This post is about self-awareness and self-regulation in service of mitigating risk in two situations: Infection and severe mental stress.

Infection

When was your last COVID vaccine? There have now been two booster vaccines available after the initial doses back in 2021. In the current endemic state of the virus, repeated vaccination feels less urgent than before. Some will continue to say ‘always’ or ‘never,’ but most of my patients want to discern more thoughtfully. I advise situationally. The following applies not just to COVID, but for any infection we may contract in the wild:

Intrinsic risk: What is your overall state of health? How many risk factors for infection and complication do you have (eg advanced age, respiratory illness, diabetes, other immune compromise)? What are your nutrition, exercise, and sleep habits, generally and now, and do they protect you or make you vulnerable (sleep deprivation and high mental stress increase risk)?

Extrinsic risk: What is your likelihood of exposure, in terms of intensity, duration, and novelty? What is your access to healthcare in case of severe illness? How would infection impact your function, livelihood, and the health and function of those around you (and what are their intrinsic risks, if you were to expose them)?

I did not get my second COVID booster until right before I traveled to Taiwan last month, even though it’s been available since last fall. It was mostly due to inconvenience, though I also did not want to spend a whole day in bed (my reaction to this vaccine), and I assessed my risk of infection and complication to be low. Then Husband got infected at the same time that Friend told me all about her severe and prolonged experience with long COVID, and I learned that cases in Taiwan were still fruequent and severe. I would be traveling alone with Daughter, who has asthma, spending 20+ hours each way and all days in country in crowded airports and public spaces. So while I had no overt intrinsic health risks, I was moved to vaccinate by both subjective and objective extrinsic factors.
I prioritized sleep the week before and all through traveling. I minimized caffeine intake. We wore KN95 masks in all public spaces throughout the trip and washed hands vigilantly. COVID infection during international travel is no joke, and we took no chances. Thankfully, we arrived back home uninfected and healthy.

When thinking about any infectious disease, I consider goals and trade offs. How important is it to avoid this illness, in general and right now? What are we willing to do and not do to prevent infection? What are the real costs of prevention and potential costs of illness? How can I minimize my susceptibility in a realistic, pragmatic, and balanced way? As a physician, I must consider infection impact not just on an individual’s health, but on public health as well.

Severe Mental Stress

In recent years, I have added a slide on distress tolerance to my wellness presentations. Practices like cold water to the face, paced breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation can help de-escalate us in the throes of acute emotional hijack, helping us get back from fight or flight to thinking clearly and acting reasonably. We have all encountered situations when we feel overwhelmed, out of control, and powerless. We each have our own unique triggers and reaction patterns, whether it’s performance anxiety, phobia, vicarious trauma, or simply rage, sadness, shame, etc.

Intrinsic risks for severe acute mental stress include history of trauma, tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings, difficulty managing and expressing feelings or thoughts, and baseline anxiety, depression, etc.

Extrinsic risks for emotional hijack include inciting events that trigger past trauma reactions, often subconsciously. This could be anything from seeing someone else experience the harm you endured, to simply entering an environment similar to one in which you felt unsafe before. Certain words or gestures can trigger us–it can literally be anything. We each have a different threshold in any given situation, depending on the intersection of our current state, baseline traits, and real time conditions.

Susceptibility to mental stress, however, goes beyond simply passive innate attributes coming in contact with inciting circumstances. We all have our stress tendencies, many of which we can only partially control, if at all. Here is where our daily patterns, habits, and practices can really save us. Sleep deprivation and dehydration make everything feel exponentially worse, in my observation. Regular physical activity regulates the autonomic nervous system and improves sleep quality. Moderation of caffeine and alcohol help mitigate these substances’ disruptive effects on brain and body. Consistent self-assessment of mood and energy, what affects them, and anticipating challenges and threats on the horizon can increase confidence in our ability to meet them. Practices such as mindfulness, prayer, and communion with loving others also boost resilience–both mental and physical. And we cannot overestimate the profound importance of healthy, strong, and loving relationships to hold us up through anything life may bring.

For mental stress, while intrinsic psychological risks matter, our strong and consistent habits in the 5 reciprocal domains of health can (sleep, exercise, nutrition, stress management, and relationships) combine in synergy to minimize (or at least mitigate) our susceptibility to acute emotional hijack. Mindset, self-talk, communication skills, and attunement to others in daily life can set us up generally to encounter adversity feeling grounded and solid or vulnerable and insecure.

Thus, in addition to intrinsic and extrinsic risks, intrinsic assets also matter. The more we strengthen them when things are easy, the more easily we can call them forth when things get really hard.

I remind myself that though dividing risk into intrinsic and extrinsic is clear and helpful, it is also an oversimplification. History of trauma is not innate to me as a person, but the experience is integrated into my nervous system. Repeated subjective experiences accumulate and integrate further. I have, one could argue, adapted to it all in a way that protects me from recurrent harm in the future by alarming my system, mind and body, to similar threats, perceived and real. And while I practice my centering, grounding, inner peace methods, it also behooves me to honor and embrace my natural, un-peaceful tendencies. My best outcomes occur when I hold these all in dynamic balance, with nonjudgmental awareness and self-regulation. Anticipation, preparedness, and seeking support from trusted others also help mitigate my susceptibility to adverse outcomes and suffering.

In the end, I wish for all of us to live more peaceful, self-aware, self-efficacious lives. I want us all to move through good fortune with joy, and through adversity with fortitude and confidence, even while we allow ourselves to fully feel fear and distress. As an advanced practice in this domain, the better we understand our own intrinsic vulnerabilities and the conditions which expose them, and manage them effectively, the more likely we may recognize the unique struggles of others. We may all suffer less when these skills help us see, hear, and understand one another more empathically, compassionately, intimately, and lovingly.
We can, if we choose, help minimize one another’s susceptibility to pain and suffering.

To Comfort Always

Joseph Carey Merrick; Written by Michael Howell and Peter Ford, Narrated by Steve West

Sometimes a book affects you.

You already know parts of the story
Because it’s legend
And you know it’s sad
You just don’t know how sad
And you usually avoid such things

And then you see
That your favorite voice actor narrates the True History
And it’s also about the doctor
Who did good
By a patient, a lovely man
Whom the world had degraded and abandoned
So you decide to endure
Because you know the voice
And you trust it to shepard the account
With respect and dignity

And through the tragedy
That almost brings you to tears
Because how can people be so cruel
How can one person endure so much
And never harbor bitterness, resentment, or rage

Through all of that
The line that shines most brightly
That calls to your physician, helper, human soul
Is one you have not heard in years
When you should probably recite it yourself daily:

“To cure sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always.”

These days people expect
Cure often if not always
Relief, when incomplete, disappoints

And Comfort, well, what does that even mean
In an age when physician-patient
Relationship is defined more and more
By transaction than by
True and deep human connection

And yet
Stories like this inspire, reassure and
Comfort us
Who do it for the connection
Because in the end
It’s worth every effort

————-

The True History of the Elephant Man: The Definitive Account of the Tragic and Extraordinary Life of Joseph Carey Merrick
Written by Michael Howell and Peter Ford
Narrated by Steve West

Due to horrible physical deformities, he spent much of his life as a fairground freak. He was hounded, persecuted, and starving, until his fortune changed and he was rescued, housed, and fed by the distinguished surgeon, Frederick Treves. The subject of several books, a Broadway hit, and a film, Joseph Merrick has become part of popular mythology. Here, in this fully revised edition containing much fresh information, are the true and un-romanticized facts of his life.

©2010 Skyhorse Publishing, Inc. (P)2012 Audible, Inc.

*I have no interests in any entities mentioned in this post