Category Archives: love

Self-Efficacy, Ethos Session 1

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Ya kinda had to be there, my friends.

And it was all my friends who came to my first ever wellness presentation at Ethos today. For two easy and loving hours ten of us engaged in openness, curiosity, reflection, thought, and connection. After outlining the general themes and objectives of my past wellness presentations, General Manager Elena landed on ‘self-efficacy’ as the all-encompassing concept when we discussed our plans earlier this year. It felt immediately right. This was to be the first of four sessions throughout the year.

Self-efficacy: “an individual’s belief in their capacity to act in the ways necessary to reach specific goals.” (Bandura, 1977, 1986, 1997)

I have presented to academic surgeons on national stages and judges of the Federal Circuit Courts. Still, speaking to the Ethos community made me a little nervous. There would be fitness experts in the audience–what could I ‘teach’ them on the topic of exercise? This was a new and potentially very diverse group; one that did not necessarily know my credentials or professional expertise. My highest goal was for all of us to leave the session feeling inspired, empowered, connected, and thought-provoked. My intent was not to simply lecture or convey, rather to offer, invite, and receive in fluid exchange and mutual engagement. I had to give msyelf pep talks all week, calling forth my confidence in attuning, listening, asking good questions, reflecting, paraphrasing, as well as presenting.

What a real-time practice in self-efficacy, no? Walk the Talk, Chenger!

Dry erase before: “Of health and wellness: Domains, Practices, Attributes”

I planned today to introduce my ‘5-3-5’ framework of health: 5 domains, 3 core practices, and 5 atrributes. It’s a work in progress, which makes it a fun and high-potential foundation for discussion with any audience. After sharing our respective thoughts and experiences of self-efficacy, we explored how it applies in health and wellness.

“What are important domains of health?” I have written about ‘the five domains of health’–sleep, exercise, nutrition, stress management, and relationships–on patient action plans and this blog for many years. It’s relevant, reliable, and comprehensive for the purposes of an annual physical exam. But I wanted to learn from this audience how they see ‘domains of health’ in life as we live it. The brainstorm and discussion that ensued showed us all how layers of complexity and interconnected relationships at both individual and collective levels impact our experiences of both health and un-health.

Self-awareness, self-regulation, and effective communication: in my mind, these are the three core life practices that help us assess, adjust, and adapt to whatever life brings. The group’s suggestions of key health practices, we could argue, could all fit under one or more of the three. And it also emerged today that there may be a missing element of movement–that to be healthy we must not only attune inwardly, but act–we must both be and do–or not–there’s something here about intention and volition, about agency, I think. I invited. My friends offered. We noodled, played, exchanged, and documented. And now I have so much more to mush around with, to dig into and mine for treasures!

“When I am healthy, I feel…”

By now folks had caught on. I ask the open-ended question, record the responses, and when one of my own words comes up, I write it under the heading. Brother-in-law Kinnier compared the process to playing Family Feud and we all laughed. When I think of how I want us to feel in health–in body, mind, spirit, work, and relationship–these five words top my list today: Stable. Strong. Flexible. Agile. Resilient. The words my friends offered in this section represent sensations, emotions, and states of being, among other things. What words would you add? How besides words would you express/explain what it means to you to be healthy?

When I look at the ‘after’ state of the board (I did not take a picture of the whole due to glare, but I wish now that I had), I feel so gratified. I successfully offered my framework for health, developed organically and in collaboration with patients, colleagues, friends, and fellow life journeyers over decades of medical practice and living. We agreed at the end that next time we can include non-verbal expressions such as emojis, diagrams, symbols, and pictograms, to further deepen our exchange and discourse on these ideas.

*sigh*

The openness, curiosity, safety, warmth, connection, and love I felt today, friends. Ohmygoodness. I had to encourage myself in advance, reassure myself that I had what was needed to lead a discussion, to facilitate this opening, and invite and allow all of our wisdom to emerge and mingle. The energy in the Den vibrated today. It had a temperature, a depth. We all both contributed and benefited (I think), offered and received. The outcome felt elevated and synergistic–immensely greater than the sum of its individual parts.

This presentation series is part of my project to broaden my reach, to expand my contribution in health and wellness to more audiences, and to facilitate engagement, empowerment, and agency for individuals and organizations. Elena and I had orginally planned four quarterly sessions this year. Today’s session lasted thirty minutes longer than scheduled, and many of us wanted to keep the energy flowing, to continue the conversation sooner than three months from now, as we looked at the ‘after’ state of the board and saw so much possibility for future conversations!

YES. THIS. This is what I live for, my friends!

I write this summary so those who could not attend today might get a feel for what it was like. But I could only capture here a fraction of just my own experience. There is just something about a gathering, an intentional meeting when and where we choose to spend (give?) our time, energy, and resources together in service of lifting ourselves and one another.

There are simply not enough words to express my gratitude and appreciation for my friends who showed up today. Their unwavering presence and love made it safe for me to be BOOBS OUT, all me, all in, open and honest, curious and confident. We agreed today to all go home and let it sink in, to saturate in the connection, and see/feel what emerges that calls us to gather and commune around next time.

I. cannot. wait. Hope to see you there!

The Flow of Friendship

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30 years this October.

Janet and I met at our white coat ceremony in 1995, sat two seats apart, alpha by last name. Walking home from school days later, I learned her family lived in Denver for a while when we were kids. We exchanged parents’ names and went home to call our respective ones. And get this: Her dad was my grandfather’s student, and stayed at the Cheng family home in Tainan, Taiwan one summer while studying engineering. He was one of Yeh-yeh’s favorites. We went to their house for dinner once (neither Janet nor I remember). When Ba recounted the evening, he got most animated about the concrete foundation that Janet’s dad had laid for the playhouse in the backyard (both dads are civil engineering PhD’s).
Positively. Cosmic. Sisters.

We were joined at the hip in school. We sat at the back of lecture halls, Janet doing crosswords and I writing letters. As anatomy partners we created mnemonics with gestures to remember the cranial nerves and their exit points from the brain. We learned interviewing and physical exam skills together, went to the gym, cooked, and basically grew up together in the final stages of adult brain development. Some of our teachers could not tell us apart. We rotated on pediatrics together when she met her now husband, an intern then, eating French fries and drinking ginger ale on call every fourth night. We attended each other’s weddings (I got to stand up in hers). Our kids are similar ages.

As an executive health internist and academic neonatologist, our professional worlds overlap little, yet we still speak multiple languages in common (including American English-accented Mandarin). As we, our parents, and our children have all aged these three decades, contact has fluctuated and our bond remained intact. This weekend Janet came to Chicago and we spent three days together cooking and yapping, our longest in-person time in fifteen years. We made a menu in advance and headed to the grocery store on her arrival. These three days we cooked Vietnamese spring rolls, green onion pancakes, fried rice, potstickers, and curry beef pastries, all steeped in nostalgia and yumminess. Doctoring, momming, daughtering, wifing, teaching, leading, citizening–we covered it all while mixing, rolling, wrapping, frying, steaming, baking, and of course eating.

Our class stays connected on a What’s App chat and we are impressive, I must say, many of us leaders in our fields, making an impact. And yet when we gather, we still meet as the people we knew then: eager, optimistic, young students. We reach out with news, requests, and just to say hi. That easy connection is just so special. How have 30 years passed already? Will we still be around to celebrate another 30? It’s possible, and I will revel in every year we get with one another in the interim.

Dear readers, I wish for us all to have friendships like this–the ones that persist with easy and steadfast confidence, that we trust implicitly, that validate and support, that endure and mature in mutual respect, admiration, growth, and evolution. It’s these meaningful relationships that will hold us up in life, no matter what happens.

On Self-Love

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Smile from the Ethos jar, 14 February 2025

“How much do you love yourself? I hope it is at least as much as you are loved by the rest of us.”

I have thought to ask this of several people I know, wishing ardently for them to see their own gifts and strengths as we, their ever loyal friends and loved ones, see them. I hope you have people asking and supporting you in this way, dear reader, every day.

Self-love, at its best and strongest, is not boastful, grandiose, or arrogant. Rather, it is quiet, steadfast, resilient, and humble. It doesn’t need to compete in intellect, beauty, or performance. It tolerates being misunderstood or judged as less than by people whose opinions are simply irrelevant. And it knows when, where, and how to make us stand up and be seen, heard, and known. Self-love is how we know what spaces to take up in confidence and self-worth.

What does it mean to love someone, ourselves included? We honor, care for, think of, miss, wish the best for, sacrifice for, tell the truth to, help, hold accountable, look out for, and want to be with our loved ones, yes? How many of us feel this way for ourselves, as much as for others we love?

Adequate self-love provides the foundation, space, and magnanimity for fervent love of others (‘can’t pour from an empty cup’), and is also fed and nourished by love from others. It sets the standard of attitude and conduct for that mutual, wholehearted, loyal love that we all seek so deeply.

Love is the ultimate positive feedback loop, the best snowball effect.

‘A one person lovefest invites others to the party
To celebrate one another in joyous togetherness
Without competition or comparison
Only in mutual affection and validation’

So many professions of love this past weekend, so beautiful and connecting. I hope each of us, at our core, can hold onto a deep sense of self-love, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, family dynamic, or political leaning. Love is the foundation of the healthiest, strongest, and most fulfilling relationships, and it’s never too late, never too little to start or start over.