Whoa Nellie, this week kinda crushed me. Thank goodness for weekends—time to slow down, take a breath, and recharge.
I have a theory about Zoom fatigue; wondering if it resonates with anyone? Maybe someone has some physical evidence to share? It’s about quantum energy and our olfactory senses.
I actually really love Zoom. After years of running webinars, I’m used to inhabiting a little box next to a PowerPoint, and I love seeing family, friends and colleagues from all across the country and around the world, all at the same time. And all the better if we’re learning or communing around core values and shared goals! With good internet we get real time visual and audio cues, and even see bits of each other’s natural habitats. So what’s missing feels less concrete, harder to describe.
A couple friends and I posit that it’s something around energy. A resonance ensues when people gather, negotiated in the quantum space, intangible yet palpable. In harmonic physical presence we find ourselves synergistically lifted, nourished, and bonded. I think pheromones must also play a role. We fancy ourselves so evolved, but our primitive brains still drive us, or at least have a hand on the wheel. When we cannot connect by vibe and smell, I bet we lose more than we know—and it hurts.
I have no evidence for these claims, and it doesn’t really matter if I’m right. I think we’re all feeling the disconnect more intensely now, eight months into an indefinite and now worsening pandemic. It helps to acknowledge the sadness, the grief.
I understand why so many plan to gather for the holidays. Maybe it’s an impossible balance. I wonder what we’ll regret most in the end?
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it: People are suffering. Not everybody, but many, and many pretty badly. A prolonged global pandemic, unprecedented political polarization, escalating agitation for social justice—any one of these would be enough to push us over the edges of our sanity, and yet here we are, surviving all three and more.
I know it’s a challenging day when I’ve handled three phone calls before getting out of the car at work in the morning, and in the afternoon I think Hallelujah and give joyful thanks for one patient’s globally negative Review of Systems and another’s 95% oxygen saturation. But this is also the most fulfilling day. I did good work today.
Like most primary care doctors, my message volume has increased by about 30-50% in recent months. Complex questions and issues require time and patience to think and talk through. Many cannot be readily answered or solved, and the uncertainty calls out all of our anxieties and defenses, insecurities and grievances. Every patient experiences this historic moment in a unique and acute way. As the storm rolls over the neighborhood, I see it land on each doorstep, knowing what’s already in the house—how the furniture is arranged, what’s in the closets, maybe even the state of the foundation. I am allowed inside, invited to inspect and advise.
What an amazing privilege to be a physician in this moment, to witness, and to help. This is absolutely what I signed up for, what I’m called to, and what I trained for. I promise to do my best, and we will get through it together.
So, what stands out most to you these days? Surging COVID cases and hospital admissions? SCOTUS aberrations? Election tension and drama? A sense of doom and nihilism about the future of humanity? Hope requires ever more effort to acquire and maintain, no?
So many people complain about how divided we are, how the country is headed toward civil war… How we can’t talk to our friends who disagree… As if there nothing we can do about it. But they attack my position, they just yell and scream, they get so emotional, I hear. It’s too hard to talk, so I abandon my relationships that used to bring joy and connection. And I blame the other; I take no responsibility myself.
Huh.
What’s the phrase, Be the Change you wish to see in the world?
Maybe we could do this a little more?
And then elect people who can lead by a much better example? What would that be like?
Yes, it’s work. So. Much. Hard. Work. And it never ends.
We are all full participants here–the current state of things is the logarithmic sum of all of our relationships—the good, bad, ugly and all. For whom are we waiting to save us? How much longer will we each play the hapless victim?
We ALL share responsibility.
But it’s too hard, I hear. Yes, I know. I’m sorry, there is no way around this. And it’s okay! We can do hard things! Humans have dominated our environment, defied nature, and flourished for generations. And yet, we somehow still succumb to our most primitive and self-defeating tribal instincts—how fascinating! Sometimes I really do feel like we will drive ourselves to self-destructive extinction in my lifetime. But every day I wake up is another opportunity to avert this fate.
And it is hard! Every day I bite my tongue, moderate my thoughts and words so as not to slide down the rabbit hole of despair and denigration. I still commit ‘passionate trash mouth’ as a friend calls it—I often follow “Be the Change” with “Own Your Shit.” I’m not perfect. But my mission is worthy and I pursue it with fervor.
It doesn’t have to be anything grand or far-reaching. We can just remember a few things, for starters, to get us through whatever comes next—to exercise our own agency, each of us, to shape it all for the better.
The Opposition Will Not Be Vanquished. Neither will they stop opposing. Polarities are necessary and healthy in life. Both conservative and progressive ideals serve the common good. Competing and parallel goals and values will always co-exist—it’s a paradox—and the more we can accept this necessary and inextricable relationship, the sooner we can move with the push/pull flow rather than against it.
I lean progressive; you lean conservative. Rather than mutual categorical conquest, we can seek dynamicbalance—of power and goals, among other things. Life with other humans is a dance; it requires attunement and differentiation, give and take, and mutual cooperation for us all to thrive. Extreme ad hominem rhetoric and arrogant, self-righteous displays of disrespect fracture our relational foundations. Cracks then propagate widely and we find ourselves here, on the verge of violence and social disintegration.
Find and Acknowledge the Kernel of Truth. Life coaching taught me one of the most important lessons in life: Everybody’s right, and only partially. When the opposition criticizes you, your position, or the outcomes of ‘your side’s’ policies, do you validate the partial truth of that criticism? Do you even see it? Or do you maintain that your side is always right, and the opposition is always wrong? Give and take, remember? Admitting a flaw does not mean invalidating an entire ethos or platform. Complex adaptive issues cannot be solved or even managed with sweeping and yet oversimplified, sound-bitten solutions. I acknowledge the imperfection(s) in my program. And, my intentions and objectives are important and worthy. How can I learn from your challenging perspective and make mine better, more accountable and resilient, in service of more people? What small steps can we take toward mutual understanding and collaboration, rather than bickering and stalemate? How is my opposition actually my ally?
It Starts With Me. Stop bystanding—complaining and whining like a spectator. Rather, upstand for civil discourse—engage. When someone yells at/near me in criticism and contempt, I can yell back, give as good as I get. I can get defensive, stonewall, or disengage. These are the horsemen of the relationship apocalypse, as John Gottman describes them (read about the antidotes here). Instead of fight, flight, or freeze, practice tend and befriend. Acknowledge people’s emotions and core values on all sides. Empathize. Verbalize understanding. Voice your hurt feelings and invite the other to understand your personal perspective. Tell your story. Invite others’ stories and listen wholeheartedly. Scary, right? Vulnerable. Brave.
This moment calls us forth to peel off the heavy armor of hostility, binary thinking, and tribalism. We are called to meet the ‘opposition’ disarmed and disarming, offering humility and compassion, on the open field of shared humanity and common goals. We must advocate for our causes repeatedly with ardently calm and patient logos as well as pathos, and hear the others’ retort, calm and patient or not, with open hearts and a learning attitude. It is up to each of us to lead by example.
We cannot ‘beat’ them; we may or may not join them; and we can always meet them. Negotiation is always possible, and like in all relationships, we must all show up in good faith, and have some faith in the each other. We must commit and live up to our own trustworthiness first.
These are all skills we can learn, practice, and master. There are models all around us. We only have to look, listen, and emulate. If you’re interested in more formal training and practice, check out Braver Angels and Better Arguments. I’m signed up for another training session in December. Practice makes better.
