To Feel:
Seen
Look what I can do
This is how I can contribute
See me achieve
Heard
Hear my concerns
Take me into account
Understood
Validate me
Normalize my feelings
Say you can relate
Accepted
Tell me I belong
Loved
Participate in the Messy with me
Commit to sticking with me through the hard shit
Let me be my whole self with you
Be your whole self with me
Children by parents
Patients by doctors
Students by teachers
Workers by managers
The led by their leaders
Spouses
Friends
What if?
My friends, it’s been an intense couple of weeks! So much so that I have fully neglected the news headlines—this must be why I’m still in a reasonably good mood. Another is that I have rediscovered Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, the wise and benevolent matron of medicine whose gentle and gracious example I aspire to follow.
I first read her books, Kitchen Table Wisdom and My Grandfather’s Blessings, at least ten years ago by now. They felt like my favorite plush blanket, draped over my shoulders with that welcome, comforting weight, and tucked under my feet, warming me with stories of love and belonging. Life was just as hectic then as today, but in a different way. The kids were little, and I had few if any responsibilities at work outside of patient care. Aunt Rachel’s stories calmed me and gave me peace in that young chaos. I had meant to reread them, but, well, life.
I perused the shelves and stacks of my personal library recently, searching for a book that my friend might like. Both avid readers, we share and discuss titles on leadership, philosophy, and personal development. The search this day felt different from browsing Amazon or my local book store. A deeper part of me knew exactly what I sought for my friend, even as my conscious mind had only a vague idea. I wanted to share something different with him, something less cerebral. As soon as I saw it, I settled on My Grandfather’s Blessings, no question. But after a day or two, as often happens with instantaneous intuitive decisions, I did question. So I sat down with Aunt Rachel and her grandfather one evening, as if meeting old friends in the squishy armchairs of a cozy, familiar café. After some years of listening to books rather than reading them, I find quiet sitting with a paper book so comforting now. I am called to slow down, to be still, more than I have been (have allowed?), for a very long time.
By page two of the introduction, my doubts vaporized. This is it, I thought. Stories of humanity, history, culture, medicine, healing, perspective, and how we humans are intertwined with one another and nature in the most beautiful and cosmic, inescapable and daunting ways. As I reread her grandfather’s wise sayings, his subtle yet unmistakable messages of reassurance and unconditional love, that familiar warmth enveloped me again. I could almost feel my blood pressure drop and my oxytocin level rise.
So much love and connection—the book is really all about relationships, which my friend and I both hold as the key to a meaningful life. As I continue to read this week, it occurs to me that perhaps I was not actually looking for a book for my friend, but rather for myself. For many years I have hunted ravenously for books to teach me, to elevate my performance in parenting, doctoring, leading. But Aunt Rachel’s books simply soothe me. They acknowledge and give credence to that still small voice that advocates and validates the need for deep personal connection, in a world that values it less and less.
I wonder if reading Aunt Rachel’s books so early in my career helped me more than I knew. Looking back on the past decade, I feel proud to have resisted the pressure of 15 minute clinic visits, to have made the effort to relate as personally as I could with every patient, even if my bids were rejected. Aunt Rachel’s books honor that heart center in me that holds true to what I value the most, which is connection with people. Perhaps I have her to thank for watering the strongest, deepest roots of my doctor soul before they could dry up and later require excavation to revive?
I still think my friend will enjoy Aunt Rachel’s book. Her stories resonate with the humanity in all of us, not just doctors and patients. I look forward to hearing his feedback, and finding more books to share. And I must remember to bless our friendship.
May we all acknowledge and share the blessings in our lives, every chance we get.
NaBloPoMo 2018: What I’m Learning
I’m thinking a lot about empathy lately. I am less cynical today than I might have been a few months ago, maybe. I have uttered the words, “People suck” more this year than any other year in my life, perhaps. But maybe writing about things I’m for rather than things I’m against, or reflecting on things I have learned and am learning, and from whom I’m learning them, has given me some hope.
Another person who gives me hope is Trevor Noah. I mentioned in the first post of this month that I listened to his book, Born A Crime. He really is an impressive and worldly young man, and I look forward to following his career and life for a while yet.
The best part about the book is the accents and impressions that Trevor does throughout his reading. I have not actually read the book, but I am sure that hearing it on Audible is much, much better. The second best part about the book is the actual book. It’s a memoir, you must hear it! In a series of non-chronological and yet expertly woven stories, he describes his childhood and adolescence in South Africa, son of a black Xhosa mother and white Swiss-German father. Apartheid, outright racism, family conflict, domestic abuse and violence, crime, he lived it all. Any of it would have probably killed me—jumping out of moving cars, for instance. But he tells it both matter-of-factly, and with tremendous love. I don’t mean that he loved all the terrible things that happened to him; rather I feel he has a deep and abiding love of humanity. He accepts that it all happened and made him who he is today; I hear no resentment or bitterness. He especially reveres his mother, and rightly so, she is a total Badass Mama Goddess. I won’t give any of it away, you just gotta hear the book, she is UH-MAZING. She is the best part of the book.
No, actually, the best part of the book is Noah’s ability to convey his understanding of everybody’s perspective in his life. He translates for us the mindset of his independent mother, his stoic father, his wise grandmother, his friends from various, sometimes opposing, ethnic groups, and his hotheaded stepfather, among others. At the same time he describes unbelievable atrocities committed by others, he does not vilify them. There is never a hint of victimhood in a life story full of loss, poverty, and violence. Hearing his perspective, and then his explanations of various other people’s perspectives, I was reminded that everybody’s point of view is shaped by so many things that I cannot possibly know even a part of it. Every single human is a product and a manifestation of all of their genes, environment, experiences, and influences. Every single one of us is unique. And yet, most of the time, I make assumptions about what other people think, how they feel, what must motivate them, as if I know. I think we all do this more than we’d like to admit. I just wrote yesterday about how we humans have the capacity to relate, despite our disparate experiences. Today I consider the flip side of that, which is ‘othering’ people by ignoring shared humanity, denying that capacity, repressing it.
Trevor Noah practices perspective taking as a routine. I think that’s what makes him such a gifted comedian. Comedy shows us our foibles so we might reflect but not so much that we feel shame. He did this beautifully recently speaking about the migrant caravan from Honduras:
I’ve noticed other news networks in America specifically seem to focus on what the caravan means for America, and less on what the caravan means to the people in the caravan.
He recalls growing up in South Africa, seeing news about Zimbabwe during the worst times of Robert Mugabe’s rule. South Africans understood why Zimbabweans were leaving the country and coming to South Africa. They may or may not have wanted them to come, but they nevertheless related to the motivations for migration. He contrasts this with how Central American migrants are painted as threatening criminals, coming to pillage and plunder America. This prevents us from acknowledging our shared humanity, from seeing ourselves in those around us. It divides us unnecessarily and to the detriment of us all.
I have done a poor job explaining Trevor Noah’s comedic and humanitarian genius. But seriously, just read (no, listen to!) his book, and watch his Between the Scenes videos on Facebook. They are uplifting and fun.
Good night!
Healing Through Connection 