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Books and Media 2022; Looking Up and Ahead

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From the top of Schoolmarm, Keystone, Colorado, December 2018

Friends!! Happy Happy Old Year!

So many excellent essays and posts everywhere for the New Year, are you soaking them in? Do they lift you up? What stands out for you from 2022?

I have to say, I’m ready for things to be easier and lighter. These last two years were pretty damn shitty for a slew of reasons… and I don’t necessarily wish for anything different. What doesn’t kill us often does make us stronger, and not always. Some of it just maims and scars, and we could be just as strong and well without it. Whatever, it all just is.

Love and gratitude stand out for me… Also commitment, resilience, and of course connection. Connection, actually, is both the beginning and end of getting through hard times, no? The trust, love, strength, respect, and attention we share hold us all up, bond us closer through crucibles of crisis, and magnify themselves, don’t you think?

Three posts resonate in particular with me this week, which I share below. May they lift or ground you, whichever you need. May you notice and receive whatever else you need as well, to start 2023 in peace and confidence, and to sustain that sense of “I’ Got This,” no matter what comes. Oh and as usual, I’ve included my list of books and notable media at the end. Books in [brackets] are yet to be finished; entries in bold are my favorites. My home Word file denotes romance novels in blue, but I think you can figure it out based just on the titles. There is a theme emerging among the romances I love; maybe more on that later. 😉 I created ‘Inspo’ on Spotify soon after writing the Playlist post last month, along with separate ones for writing and workouts. That subscription is well worth the cost!

ONWARD, my friends. All we have is this one life, with one another. Let us make the most of it all, ya?

Let It Be So

Donna Ashworth wrote the poem “When I Go,” which inspired my post of the same title. In her message for 2023, she reminds us to treat ourselves with a little more acceptance, compassion, and generosity. I wholeheartedly concur–if we can do this better for ourselves, then we are much more likely and able to do it for one another:

“Why do we start a new year, with promises to improve?

“Who began this tradition of never-ending pressure?

“I say, the end of a year, should be filled with congratulation, for all we survived.

“And I say a new year should start with promises to be kinder to ourselves, to understand better just how much we bear, as humans on this exhausting treadmill of life…”

Follow the link to read the rest.

23 Manifesto Rules for the Year

Holding ourselves in acceptance and compassion can manifest in specific practices; we can frame them as resolutions, intentions, hopes, or whatever. For me right now, it all still comes back to self-awareness, self-regulation, and community building… Mindful, peaceful intention in action and interaction, or something like that.

I only recently found Rachel Marie Martin, and her work resonates so far, especially her 23 ‘rules.’ I choose to hold them loosely, some more than others, and I look forward to seeing which ones recur in my psyche over the months to come. If the excerpt here speaks to you, check out the entire list on her Facebook page.

1. Stare fear in the face. So often fear stops us. Instead live fearless – knowing when to stop and when to move and when to be brave.

2. Invest in your friends. Good friends listen and show up. Do the same. Friendship is give and take and give and take. Friends are the ultimate gift.

3. No excuses. You must take care of yourself: heart, body and soul. There is no excuse for forgetting you. Your family needs you to love you with the same tenacity that you love them.

4. Guilt doesn’t need to dictate choices. Don’t let guilt stop you from taking care of yourself. Guilt keeps one stuck.

5. Read real books again. Watch a mini-series. Start jogging. Do something that is not work, not chores, but simply that makes you happy.

6. Love your body. Your aging body. Yes, that. And stop lamenting the wrinkles, but embrace them as another year lived.

Anam Cara

How many times do ‘relationship’ and ‘connection’ occur on this blog, I wonder? More times than most other nouns/ideas, I bet. They are my Why. And yet, they are inadequate words to truly express the depth to which I mean them. So I was especially grateful years ago to find John O’Donohue’s explanation of anam cara, ‘soul friend’ in Celtic. That direct translation hardly captures the meaning, either, and his book of this title is a bit dense and esoteric. So I thank Maria Popova for her long form delve, “Anam Cara and the Essence of True Friendship”. Her essays read slowly in the best way–leisurely yet intense intellectual consideration, like sipping the smoothest bittersweet Belgian hot chocolate. I picture the cafe where my best friend from college (an anam cara, for sure) and I always sat, with all the time in the world, enjoying each other’s company and whatever random wonders occurred to us. Read her post in a warm, comfy chair, including the most eloquent quotes from O’Donohue’s writing:

“With the anam cara you could share your inner-most self, your mind and your heart. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an anam cara, your friendship cut across all convention, morality, and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the ‘friend of your soul.’ The Celtic understanding did not set limitations of space or time on the soul. There is no cage for the soul. The soul is a divine light that flows into you and into your Other. This art of belonging awakened and fostered a deep and special companionship.

“A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you… The one you love, your anam cara, your soul friend, is the truest mirror to reflect your soul. The honesty and clarity of true friendship also brings out the real contour of your spirit.”

And she puts his words in 21st Century context with crystal clarity of their profound, countercultural importance:

“…being an anam cara requires of a purposeful presence — it asks that we show up with absolute integrity of intention. That interior intentionality, O’Donohue suggests, is what sets the true anam cara apart from the acquaintance or the casual friend — a distinction all the more important today, in a culture where we throw the word “friend” around all too hastily, designating little more than perfunctory affiliation. But this faculty of showing up must be an active presence rather than a mere abstraction — the person who declares herself a friend but shirks when the other’s soul most needs seeing is not an anam cara.”

It’s all so much, isn’t it? So much stimulation, emotion, tragedy, possibility, uncertainty, profundity, incredulity, and so much more. *deep breath*

Maybe one of the more important life lessons, that can only come with living it longer, is to hold it all with stronger yet looser conviction. To realize my own mission and have it validated gives me confidence. It also frees me to let go those who can’t see, don’t come along, or even reject it. We all walk our own paths; you don’t have to come on my journey. If our paths cross in a ditch or other obstruction, or your trail looks more interesting or efficient than the one I’m on, I can change directions and choose a new route for a while. There are infinite ways to get to where I’m going. I can just really enjoy and revel in the view as I walk.

To the New Year. Another cycle begins. Bring it.

Books

  1. Pathways to Possibility by Rozamund Stone Zander
  2. Liminal Thinking by Dave Gray
  3. 52 Pep Talks for Writers by Grant Faulkner
  4. Useful Delusions by Shankar Vedantham and Bill Mesler
  5. A Little Hope by Ethan Joella
  6. The Wisdom of Your Body by Hillary McBride
  7. Be Water, My Friend by Shannon Lee
  8. Summary of Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, by Readtrepreneur Publishing on Hoopla Digital
  9. Curious by Ian Leslie
  10. The Icepick Surgeon by Sam Kean
  11. The Other Dr. Gilmer by Benjamin Gilmer
  12. The Upside of Irrationality by Dan Ariely
  13. [The Mindful Therapist by Daniel Seigel]
  14. Plays Well With Others by Eric Barker
  15. [Atlas of the Heartby Brené Brown]
  16. High Conflict by Amanda Ripley
  17. The Lightmakers’ Manifesto by Karen Walrond
  18. Power Moves by Adam Grant
  19. Mentors by Russell Brand
  20. I Am Spock by Leonard Nimoy
  21. I Must Say by Martin Short
  22. Sparks Like Stars by Nadia Hashimi
  23. Be Quiet, Be Heard by Susan Glaser and Peter Glaser
  24. The Midnight Library by Matt Haig
  25. Buried Deep by Margot Hunt
  26. Dirtbag Anthropology by Kate Willett
  27. The All or Nothing Marriage by Eli Finkel
  28. [The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion]
  29. Welcome to Your Teenager’s Brain by Abigail Baird
  30. The Way Out by Peter Coleman
  31. Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt
  32. A Republic, If You Can Keep It by Neil Gorsuch
  33. The Egg and Other Stories by Andy Weir
  34. The Fix Up by Kendall Ryan
  35. Playing For Keeps by Kendall Ryan
  36. Part-time Lover by Lauren Blakely
  37. The Ruthless Gentleman by Louise Bay
  38. Delayed Gratification by Lauren Blakely
  39. Instant Gratification by Lauren Blakely
  40. Kismet by Lauren Blakely
  41. The Dream Guy Next Door by Lauren Blakely
  42. Never Have I Ever by Lauren Blakely
  43. Private Player by Louise Bay
  44. Not Until You by Corinne Michaels
  45. If I Only Knew by Corrine Michaels
  46. Satisfaction Guaranteed by Lauren Blakely
  47. Consumed By You by Lauren Blakely
  48. One of Those Flings by Lauren Blakely
  49. Your French Kisses by Lauren Blakely
  50. P.S. It’s Always Been You, Parts 1, 2, & 3 by Lauren Blakely
  51. Special Delivery by Lauren Blakely
  52. Lucky Suit by Lauren Blakely
  53. Cocktail by Lauren Smith
  54. Bossy Brit by Kendall Ryan
  55. One Hot Scandal by Anna Durand
  56. Melt For Him by Lauren Blakely
  57. Portrait of a Thief by Grace D Li
  58. Lethal in a Kilt by Anna Durand
  59. The British Bastard by Anna Durand
  60. Irresistible In a Kilt by Anna Durand
  61. The Pretending Plot by Lauren Blakely
  62. One Hot Christmas by Anna Durand
  63. One Hot Crush by Anna Durand
  64. One Hot Chance by Anna Durand
  65. One Hot Roomie by Anna Durand
  66. Heired Lines by Magan Vernon
  67. The Bromantic Comedies by Erin Mallon
  68. Royally Endowed by Emma Chase
  69. Brit vs. Scot by Anna Durand
  70. One Hot Escape by Anna Durand
  71. The Duke’s Twin by Lauren Smith
  72. Forever Be Mine by Lauren Smith
  73. Royally Screwed by Emma Chase
  74. Royally Matched by Emma Chase
  75. Rory In a Kilt by Anna Durand
  76. One Hot Rumor by Anna Durand
  77. Sweet Liar by Laurelin Paige
  78. Sweet Fate by Laurelin Paige
  79. Incendiary in a Kilt by Anna Durand
  80. He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not by Iris Morland
  81. My Rebound by Carrie Ann Ryan
  82. Devastating in a Kilt by Anna Durand
  83. Two Pretty Lies by Kelleigh Clare
  84. Rivalry by Laurelin Paige
  85. Ruin by Laurelin Paige
  86. Revenge by Laurelin Paige
  87. [Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabriel Zevin]
  88. Rising by Laurelin Paige
  89. The Break-Up Album by Lauren Blakely
  90. Big Ben by Nana Malone
  91. The Benefactor by Nana Malone
  92. For Her Benefit by Nana Malone
  93. Work For It by Talia Hibbert
  94. Justice Falling by Audrey Carlan
  95. Perfect Chaos by Jodi Ellen Malpas
  96. The Plot by Jean Hanff Korelitz
  97. The Opposite of Woe by John Hickenlooper
  98. Relentless in a Kilt by Anna Durand
  99. Humble Pi by Matt Parker (started in 2021)
  100. Beginner’s Mind by Yo-Yo Ma
  101. The Earl of London by Louise Bay
  102. Unzipped by Lauren Blakely
  103. Cheeky Royal by Nana Malone
  104. Cheeky King by Nana Malone
  105. Royally Remembered by Emma Chase
  106. [Anti-Diet by Christy Harrison]
  107. Misadventures With a Time Traveler by Angel Payne

Podcasts

TED Radio Hour

–What Leadership Looks Like  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ted-radio-hour/id523121474?i=1000559059996

Hidden Brain

–What We Gain From Pain  https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/what-we-gain-from-pain/

—Separating Yourself From the Pack  https://hidden-brain.simplecast.com/episodes/separating-yourself-from-the-pack-AXNnRTlI

–Reframing Your Reality Part 1  https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/reframing-your-reality-part-1/

–Reframing Your Reality Part 2  https://hidden-brain.simplecast.com/episodes/reframing-your-reality-part-ii-WQxXOCRz

–How to See Yourself Clearly  https://hidden-brain.simplecast.com/episodes/you-2-0-how-to-see-yourself-clearly-YFbSe_NE

–Making the World a Safer Place  https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/making-the-world-a-safer-place/

Peter Attia Drive

–DBT Skills  https://peterattiamd.com/shireenrizvi/?utm_source=podcast-feed&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=220822-pod-shireenrizvi&utm_content=220822-pod-shireenrizvi-podfeed

Other Media

—David Epstein, on Breaking With Your Tribe https://davidepstein.bulletin.com/the-bestselling-author-of-high-conflict-explains-what-it-takes-for-someone-to-break-with-their-political-tribe/

—Peter Coleman, On Abortion, Now Is the Time to Talk

https://dividedwefall.org/on-abortion-now-is-the-time-to-talk/

–Michael Bungay Stanier, 5 Questions to Deepen Trust Audio Lesson https://www.mbs.works/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/5-Questions-to-Deepen-Trust-Audio-Lesson-by-MBS.mp3


Spotify Inspo playlist

Whose BEAST Are You?

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I feel protective. My friend has embarked on a necessary lawsuit to address wrongs done to her by someone she trusted. Generally I shun litigation as a means of conflict resolution, and I understand that in some cases it is the best path to justice. My friend shares this ethos, and has so chosen a like-minded lawyer. Her opponent has a very different mindset, one of fierce aggression and, sadly, meanness. In talking with Friend, we both feel her vulnerability, the risk of getting steamrolled in her efforts to be fair and equanimatous, even in the face of intense acrimony. She wonders if her lawyer (and she herself, maybe?) can withstand the vitriol flung their way without 1) returning in kind and/or 2) acquiescing simply to get through.

Over breakfast, I tried to articulate what she needed in her lawyer, and wrote it to her later in an email, so she would have it to mull over and expound on. What follows below is a lightly edited version of my message to her, and some reflections of my own after writing it. I love how talking and writing bring me so quickly and effectively to new insights and syntheses of ideas, core values, and resolutions. Onward, my friends!

I get (and validate!) that you sought a lawyer who is “not a fighter”… and you also need an effective advocate. Not adversarial for sure, but assertive and strong.

Like a quiet, confident alpha—tall and straight, with commanding posture–someone who knows they can own the opponent if they want to, but feels secure enough to not need to flaunt it.

So there is a degree of BADASSERY required here too:  You need someone SMART, and SHARP.

Looking for a metaphor here… Not sure why I gravitate toward vehicles—Bullet train? Mack truck? Snowplow? Maybe because the process is necessarily movement, transportation is required, and there is a destination, the path to which presents multiple and formidable barriers?

The BEAST: The US presidential Cadillac—that is your ideal ride to the other side of the lawsuit (over the bridge? Through the morass?)!

Big, black, heavy, SOLID.  GROUNDED and MOBILE at the same time.

Heavily armored–DEFENDED and SAFE, but not weaponized (I think).

Moves with purpose and agenda, no wasted fuel or frivolous trips.

People see it coming and move out of the way with respect.

And if attacked, the cargo–you and your interests–are protected.

Can plow through traffic if absolutely necessary, but only does so as a last resort:

Move or I will move you, make no mistake.

Try me.

Strong back, soft front. Steel spine. Claws and horns only when needed.

Strong and effective, non-adversarial, yet energized advocate. I’m thinking parent, friend, sibling, physician, adult child of aging parent, activist.

BEAST. I can be yours if needed, count on it.

The Sh*t Sandwich

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“I have realized that I really enjoy learning about ***, but I don’t necessarily like studying it and being tested on it.”

And there it is. My mama pride swells at this concise, distilled insight of self-awareness that Son shared with me, about 6 weeks into college. So you really like ***. How much might you be willing to work/tolerate/sacrifice to stick with it? Will you keep *** as a hobby/interest, or can you see yourself making a career out of it? No rush to figure it out! And how cool to know there is a distinction to make?

How much are we willing to give for something we really want? Are we willing to eat the particular flavor of shit sandwich (a la Mark Manson–check out his blog and books!) that’s inevitably served on the path to our goal?

Sometimes we don’t even have to know what we want; clarity about what we don’t want–shit sandwiches we will not eat–is enough to set us on the right path for each of us. Some shit sandwiches I have rejected:

Three Dimentional Calculus and Vector Analysis: Freshman year in college, one problem on the final exam of this class took up 8 pages in the exam book. And why did I have to know it? How did the reasoning help me in life? No more math for me, thank you. I left engineering the following quarter.

Physical Chemistry: Having already gotten a C in physics (which happens when you fail the second midterm because you start dating your husband), empowered with an aversion to math, and knowing already that life is too short for this kind of suffering, I rejected chemistry and embraced biology as a major.

5:30am Rounds: General surgery, my first ever clinical rotation. My intern, the wonderful Gopal Kowdley whom I love to this day, looked at me and said, “You’re tempted, I can tell.” But OMG surgery–the egos, the bombast, the misogyny–AND getting up in the dark every day, forever? Nope.

Lifelong call: I love reading echocardiograms–ultrasounds of the heart, beating in real time. Second year of residency is when internists apply for subspecialty fellowships. That year my cardiology fellow stood right next to me at 10pm, monitoring a dying patient in the cardiac ICU. He had a little girl at home who missed her dad. Later that year, the attending cardiologist, my amazing teacher, sat across from me at the nurses station, in the middle of the night, reviewing the EKG of a lady with a likely heart attack. He had grandchildren already. He had to get up in the dark–in the middle of the night. No cardiology fellowship for me!

I live in Chicago when my home is Colorado. Wut? But Husband is from here, we trained here, and we both found jobs here that fulfill us and allow us to make a difference in people’s lives. WINNER! Love makes us do crazy things, like eat this. huge. shit sandwich. Without hesitation, no matter how it tastes. Every day. For 20+ years.

Through the long hallways of my career, at each door has stood a waiter offering some shit sandwich for me to taste in order to get through. I closed some doors, and walked through others. I wrote last month that I regret none of the work thresholds I’ve crossed to date. Since the beginning, nothing has been be-all, end-all. If I hadn’t gotten into med school the first time I’d have decided to try again or try something else. I committed to finish an internal medicine residency and pay back my student loans; those doors swung heavily one way. Other than that, I have always had the privilege of myriad opportunities to use my skills and credentials in new and interesting ways if I wanted to–generalists are needed everywhere. But the older I get, the more selective I am about what shit sandwiches I’m willing to eat. I think that’s normal.

As Liz Gilbert interprets Manson in her book, Big Magic: “So the question is not so much ‘What are you passionate about?’ The question is ‘What are you passionate enough about that you can endure the most disagreeable aspects of the work?’”

So ONWARD, I say to Son. Keep learning about yourself and the world. Try out different things, taste a little of everything as long as you’re sure it’s not toxic. Carve out your space. I am confident you will find your favorite flavor of shit sandwich.