“How much do you love yourself? I hope it is at least as much as you are loved by the rest of us.”
I have thought to ask this of several people I know, wishing ardently for them to see their own gifts and strengths as we, their ever loyal friends and loved ones, see them. I hope you have people asking and supporting you in this way, dear reader, every day.
Self-love, at its best and strongest, is not boastful, grandiose, or arrogant. Rather, it is quiet, steadfast, resilient, and humble. It doesn’t need to compete in intellect, beauty, or performance. It tolerates being misunderstood or judged as less than by people whose opinions are simply irrelevant. And it knows when, where, and how to make us stand up and be seen, heard, and known. Self-love is how we know what spaces to take up in confidence and self-worth.
What does it mean to love someone, ourselves included? We honor, care for, think of, miss, wish the best for, sacrifice for, tell the truth to, help, hold accountable, look out for, and want to be with our loved ones, yes? How many of us feel this way for ourselves, as much as for others we love?
Adequate self-love provides the foundation, space, and magnanimity for fervent love of others (‘can’t pour from an empty cup’), and is also fed and nourished by love from others. It sets the standard of attitude and conduct for that mutual, wholehearted, loyal love that we all seek so deeply.
Love is the ultimate positive feedback loop, the best snowball effect.
‘A one person lovefest invites others to the party To celebrate one another in joyous togetherness Without competition or comparison Only in mutual affection and validation’
So many professions of love this past weekend, so beautiful and connecting. I hope each of us, at our core, can hold onto a deep sense of self-love, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, family dynamic, or political leaning. Love is the foundation of the healthiest, strongest, and most fulfilling relationships, and it’s never too late, never too little to start or start over.
Attune. Attend. Assess. Adjust. Then Activate and Advocate. Always Adapt.
Turns out I’ve been stress eating for the past six weeks or so. I only noticed a few days ago. I’m past the point of berating or judging myself for it, and I also marvel at how stress can manifest so overtly and insidiously at the same time.
What have been your sub/unconscious signs of stress lately? What would those who know and love you say?
My other current signs are lack of motivation to work out at home and a constant urge to write Jar Smiles. That last one is new, and its impulse strong. I tell the story that the nature and level of my current stress is such that only connection with others, however I can get it, can soothe me. So if I want to get back on the elliptical at home, I should probably schedule calls with friends at that time!
It’s been a rough few weeks for us Blue voters. I wonder who among Red voters feels, or even sees our distress? Every time I talk to my Red voting friends I understand better that we live in wildly divergent information universes. I wish to slowly bridge that gap with high quality primary sources and reporting, shared by and with me. This will take time, patience, openness, and true humility.
I see people advocating in the usual way–with overtly adversarial attitude and tactics. Isn’t that how we got here in the first place? Isn’t it time to reconsider our processes and methods? I am no longer interested in protests or writing postcards. I understand their place in activism, but for me they feel neither soothing nor productive. I think all of our jobs now are to self-soothe and advocate effectively. Venting to members of our own tribes can be cathartic and healing. I listened to friends do this for the better part of an hour this past week. We shared stories, concerns, fears, hopes, and support. I was so gratified to not hear ad hominem attacks on any other humans; only anguish over what is and struggle to figure out what to do.
So we must self-soothe. I don’t recommend stress eating, though the foods I eat under stress now are healthier than in the past. I think writing jar smiles is good, as long as I don’t procrastinate necessary tasks too much to write them (how many loads of laundry need folding, again?). Certainly if I’m lashing out at people, self-harming, or otherwise behaving in high-risk or destructive ways as I seek comfort, that is maladaptive. I hope I would have people around me to both support and hold me accountable for my attitudes and actions, and their consequences.
Once I have de-escalated and regained some equilibrium, once I feel stable and grounded in my values and have clarity on both what needs to happen and how I can contribute, I can then direct my energies and actions mindfully, intentionally, effectively, and in concert with others rather than counter to or in competition.
A dear friend asked today for books on ‘reframing arguments/persuasion.’ I answered: “-Getting to Yes, Roger Fisher and William Ury –I Never Thought of It That Way, Mónica Guzmán –High Conflict, Amanda Ripley –Think Again, Adam Grant –Why We’re Polarized, Ezra Klein “It’s about understanding first, explaining second, converting only incidentally, if at all. So much easier said than done, especially when feeling stressed and threatened. Still worth the effort in the long run, if we can muster it, and easier the more we practice/train. Happy to discuss anytime!!”
That last part continues to resonate and give me hope–discuss and take time–repeatedly and in earnest. Healing Through Connection.
I have just causes to advance: women’s health, a stronger and more reliable healthcare system in general, and above all, healthier relationships between humans in any and all contexts. These are infinite games which will outlast my lifetime. If any of us plans to make a meaningful contribution to our respective just causes, then our job is to stay fit enough to continue playing. We must adapt our strategies and execution to conditions and players as they evolve and emerge. We can commit to our Why and be flexible with the Hows and the Whats, as Simon Sinek says.
I think I may have successfully reset a bit this weekend. I connected with friends and family, made good food, and did my first 8am conditioning workout at Ethos in a month. The little love notes hit their marks, I am told. The stress eating awareness already diminishes the impulse; my agency has re-emerged and my nutrition rudder restablized.
All of our highest self-care and relationship skills are called forth now and for the foreseeable future, my friends. I have confidence that we can meet this challenge if we walk together, no matter how we voted, in humility, generosity, kindness, and collaboration.
To get better at anything, we must be willing to tolerate the discomfort of being bad at it–for a while. And the reward has to be worth the effort.
What reward will make it worth the effort for us to tolerate the discomfort of political discourse, in order to get better at it? What other uncomfortable training can we compare it to?
“Agonist Supersets! The focus of this block is adding more intensity + time under tension to a specific muscle group. Lower body in A series, upper body in B series for TBS (total body strength) days. Two movments focusing on the same muscle group back to back. First movement more focused on neural engagement and higher movement complexity, the second movement for increased TUT and hypertrophy!” –Ethos Training Systems, February 2025
Rear foot elevated split squat. 20# each hand. 6 reps x 4 sets. Tempo: 2 count down, pause 1, up 1, repeat.
To pause for one second at the bottom of a rear foot elevated split squat can be uncomfortable. The longer I hold tension with the glute of the forward leg extended in that position, the more challenging it is to stand back up, especially by the 24th repetition. But the rewards are a stronger posterior chain, a more stable core, and confidence and ease getting up and down from the floor as I age.
Since there are only six reps per set in this block, I can lift heavier weights. I think this is the first time I have done this movement with 20 pounds in each hand. And the program builds in longer rest periods after heavy load sets. Consistent and disciplined repetition for neural pathway learning and muscle hypertrophy–I get better each time I train.
I so wish more of us would take this attitude toward our political conversations–see it as personal training to get better at it. What do I mean by ‘better’? I do not mean better at criticizing and shaming people who voted differently. I do not mean amplifying derisive words and ad hominem attacks on public figures. I do not mean aggressively debating ideology and attempting to convince someone their values and ideals are ‘wrongheaded’ or otherwise invalid.
By ‘get better’ at political discourse I mean asking more open and curious questions, listening to understand rather than to rebut, reject, or demean. I mean challenging our own convictions for consistency and integrity. I mean engaging in earnest, in the spirit of critical collaboration, to find common ground in shared goals, where we can stand and work together to make our systems better. Policies born from this laborious process last, rather than getting overturned from one administration to the next. It requires leaders as well as citizens to withstand the discomfort of disagreement and clash of ideology. It demands patience, diplomacy, professionalism, self-awareness, self-regulation, humility, honesty, and mutual respect.
Who looks at this list of requirements and thinks, “Sure, no problem, I’m very comfortable with that, sign me up.” More often I suspect a reaction along the lines of, “Are you kidding me? Like anybody (on the other side) will show up that way to me? Why would I bother doing it for them?”
And therein lies our impasse. Who will go first? Only those who can tolerate the discomfort–of vulnerability, uncertainty, and humility–with confidence. It will be those who have trained.
Time under tension: It builds muscle strength and stability, improves load tolerance, and allows us to lift heavy things with grace. We have to get in the gym, grip the weights, and submit ourselves to the struggle. And we have to do it consistently, with discipline. We must take time to rest and recover, between sets and sessions alike. We need coaches to monitor and correct form and position. And it always helps to have our friends doing it with us and cheering us on.
If we don’t feel like it and don’t do it, then muscles atrophy and risk of injury increases when weekend warrior mindset overtakes us. A healthcare system can get overburdened by people who fall and fracture hips due to frailty from lack of physical training. A society’s political system can be similarly overburdened, and thus vulnerable to nefarious actors, by a citizenry that fails at political discourse due to frailty in conversational exchange of ideas and difference of opinion.
So how do we train? Thankfully there are more and more resources to help us. My suggestions:
Start within our own group. Find people willing to put down the ad hominem approach, who are willing to look at what we say and do with a critical eye, looking at it from ‘the opposition’s’ point of view, and seeing how our messages may be counterproductive.
With these peers, practice engaging with ideas you disagree with. Role play the ‘other side.’ Research objective evidence that supports that point of view–avoid that group’s ad hominem attacks also; look for evidence that they also understand our point of view.
Attend a Braver Angels workshop or event. Learn and practice the skills we need to engage calmly, openly, and with respect and curiosity in front.
Follow groups like Builders and A Common America to see who among our elected officials, and those who might run, already practices non-adversarial discourse. Amplify them on your social media and to your peers.
Finally, seek out people who voted differently from you, whom you respect and whose relationship you value. Get vulnerable. Tell them you want to get better at talking politics, that you want to connect more than divide our country. Be prepared for an incredulous and dismissive reaction. Decide how and whether you will persist. Comment here if you want a pep talk, I’m good at giving those! And then if they agree, practice all of the above and below with them! Go for it!
In any conversation, aim to ask questions at least twice as often as you make statements. This is an uncomfortable, challenging, humbling, and extremely effective way to get better at engaging anyone in conversation. But they can’t just be any questions. The best questions–the ones that make us pause, resist our canned and offhand responses–are open and honest–see tips below. And the intention must be earnest–the goal must be to connect and understand, never to one-up or ‘win’.
Time under tension in political discourse builds the muscles of engagement. It improves our tolerance of intra- and interpersonal discomfort. It gives us the ability to think in curious rather than adversarial ways. It makes us stronger citizens, neighbors, friends, and family members who can withstand disagreement and conflict with resilience.
I’m considering how I will spend my time, energy, and resources this year. Work will be busier. Daughter will launch to college. I will continue to write. And now I hear the call of advocacy getting louder. I have a few ideas about the whats and hows; the Why remains steadfast: to foster the healthiest relationships among all whose lives I touch.
Exciting times, friends! Scary for so many, I know.
Healing Through Connection 