Tag Archives: Braver Angels

Questions for Connection

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What excellent question have you asked or been asked lately? How did it affect your relationship with the person asked/asking?

Ever since I started working with my life coach in 2005, I have practiced asking more and better questions in any encounter, in all life domains. The returns on this investment of presence and curiosity–idea generation, heightened conversation, and deepening connection, among others–far outweigh the costs of occasional awkward pauses and uncomfortable deflection.

I wonder, however, if I give enough time or energy to answering the interesting quesitons I ask?

Why, for instance, do I behave so differently with people in and out of my family? I feel like the same person in both contexts, and everybody knows the same me; yet I know I show up not the same at home as outside. Fascinating.

Today was Day 190 of my morning pages practice. Looking back, much of the journaling consists of lists, plans, recollections, and reflections. The same questions arise recurrently, mostly centered around behavior and relationships, and I attempt to answer overtly about half the time. Also fascinating! I feel comfortable with this state of things, as the simple act of writing them down and letting them sit on and below my consciousness day to day allows me to consider them slowly. Persistent questions point me to my core values, purpose, and goals. I feel no rush to formally answer these existential, identity-related, philosophical inquiries. I tell the story that simply marking their re/o-ccurrence pins them to some level of awareness where I can return regularly, like periodically adding brushstrokes to paintings that live in various rooms of my mind, heart, and life, when I happen to walk by. These rooms are bright and airy, each equipped with a sturdy easel, thick canvas, rich color palette, and full set of implements to create and revise, ad lib. I feel calm and focused, reassured that whatever is happening on any given day, I have time and energy set aside to process and digest, coming to clarity organically and as needed, all in good time. My morning pages facilitate insights and understanding regularly, and I see this practice sticking for the foreseeable future.

What I really relish, however, is engaging in questions, exploration, and discussion with other people! I wonder if this is how I make friends, actually? It does not matter if I just met you or I’ve known you my whole life; if you’re willing to dive with me like humanities nerds in a submersible to plumb the depths of open and honest questions and wild ideas of possibility–about anything from language to muscle physiology, human nature to politics, phylogeny to music–I might soon profess my undying love for you and chase you for more of that energizing connection. It is most often with friends, in those small, relaxed, meandering, sometimes calorie-laden gatherings, where nascent and novel answers to delightful questions so beautifully emerge and bloom. I carry my journal everywhere, to capture these pearls when they drop, as though gifts from the gods of sentience and relationship.

People crave deeper connection desperately now, in our increasingly chaotic, impersonal, and globalized world. I see references to the 2015 New York Times article “36 Questions That Lead to Love” regularly (that’s probably the algorithm, right?). If you cannot access it, see the original research article by Arthur Aron et al, “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings” with the questions listed at the end. Organized into three sets of increasing intimacy, the exercise invites us to ask our conversation partners questions such as, “What would constitute a perfect day for you?” “What is your most treasured memory?” and, “Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had someone with whom I could share …'” From NYT: “The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, ‘One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.’ Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.” I have the article bookmarked on my phone, and have yet to invite anyone to answer with me–maybe I’ll set an intention to do so on my upcoming friend dates? Part of me thinks I’m doing fine connecting on my own, and you never know, this could be truly next level.

Renowned psychologist Esther Perel created a similar game in 2021, Where Should We Begin, now in its 2nd edition. This query is how she historically initiates therapy sessions with clients. Questions in the game include, “I can’t believe I got away with…” “My latest crush is…” and, “My favorite love story to tell…” The box includes questions that range from lighthearted to serious, to sexual and beyond, which positively tickles me–because it’s all just life. In this age of polarization and easy mutual disdain and disconnection, games like this can help us all recognize our shared humanity.

I have purchased yet a different box of questions for connection, How Deep Will You Go? Its creators describe it as “a game of deep conversation without worrying what to ask, to feel closer in a way you never felt before.” Three levels of questions are labeled Ice Breakers (“What motivates you in life?”), Confessions (“Why have you kept going?”), and Getting Deep (“What is something you don’t tell most people?”). Reading the cards, I imagine with whom I’d want to delve. It depends on the question(s), of course, and also context and mood. I can picture a small friend group setting for the playful ones, and core belief/value ones as actual ice breakers for purposeful group work, such as a Braver Angels workshop. For the more intimate questions, though, I picture a one on one meeting, with plenty of preface and mutual agreement to actively engage in deepening personal connection.

Of course, interpersonal closeness is an iterative process: Other than the most superficial queries, the willingness to ‘go deeper’ requires some level of established trust and safety. That can take a while, depending on a multitude of factors. But once that foundational rapport is achieved, subsequent connection facilitated by these questions, one by one, may unfurl like the slow and steady inflation of a hot air balloon from the ground, lifting us gently together to affinity and affection we could never achieve where we started.

Connection decks like Where Should We Begin and How Deep Will You Go? make me so optimistic. I have loved and tried to ask questions like this for years, and now I feel validated. What if we all opened up to one another just a little bit more, just a little more often? What if we held one another’s hopes, joys, struggles, regrets, dreams, and confidences with a little more respect and reverence? What if we approached one another, friends and strangers alike, with the assumption of caring and mutual well wishes, looking to hold one another up, rather than with suspicion and wariness? And what if we rewarded such unearned generosity of spirit with reciprocal kindness?

The practice of mindfully asking deeper, more personal, loving, and intimate questions could go a long way to bridging our seemingly insurmountable differences; we all need this right now. It’s not appropriate in every encounter, of course. We must attune to context and opportunity, and act (ask) with confidence and humility. And that’s also the point, isn’t it?

The more present we are to one another’s vibrations, our moods and energies, the more likely we are to connect in earnest, regardless of what questions we choose to ask or not.

Understanding, validation, belonging, closeness, intimacy–we humans thrive when we feel these often and deeply. I still have hope that we can do it better.


Perspective

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“Tribe.”

What is your perspective on this word? I’m feeling a little defensive tonight, and also holding mind space to consider different perspectives, while clarifying my own in the process. I have used the word to describe my ‘found family,’ people with whom I share a deeply meaningful bond, my innermost circle and closest confidants. Including unpublished drafts, a search of ‘tribe‘ on this blog yields 105 posts.

Recently I have heard that using the word ‘tribe’ could be offensive to Native Americans. My initial reaction is divergent. Yes, I can see why. And, really? Does this group hold the exclusive right to use this word to describe something meaningful to them? Is its use in other contexts offensive to all indigenous people? Has it always been?

Four sources of perspective:

On the etymology of the word ‘tribe’: “In the Biblical sense, which was the original one in English, the Latin word translates Greek phyle “race or tribe of men, body of men united by ties of blood and descent, a clan” (see phylo-). Extension to modern ethnic groups or races of people is from 1590s, specifically “a division of a barbarous race of people, usually distinguishable in some way from their congeners, united into a community under a recognized head or chief” [Century Dictionary], but colloquially of any aggregate of individuals of a kind. also from mid-13c.“

“What is a Tribe?” “True, “tribe” is a troublesome word, bearing the weight of decades of anthropological study that privileged Western civilization over all other traditions. But let us rescue it here, pare it down to its simplest meaning, as a name for the first human communities that formed beyond the primal bonds of kinship — the beginnings of the great experiment we call society, which taught us to be human.”

“A teen recently told me that using the phrase “find your tribe” or using the word “tribe” is offensive to Native Americans.” “For Indigenous people, tribal identity is important. So when non-Native people say “find your tribe” or “tribe” to describe groups of shared interest, it is offensive because it erases the significance of Tribal sovereignty, identity, and people. Instead, we can use words like: group, crew, friends, or circle.”

Tribal Leadership, Dave Logan et al. From a sociological point of view, using the word as a reseach group defines it academically: “The success of a company depends on its tribes. The strength of its tribes is determined by the tribal culture, and a thriving corporate culture can only be established by an effective tribal leader.” This book has influenced my perspective on leadership and culture very deeply, hence my reluctance to stop using the word altogether.

How do I do perspective well already?
–My perspective taking skills are strong. This has to do with empathy, attunement, effective question formation and expression, and active listening. I have trained to be slow to judgment and opposition. I can engage with openness, calm, and patience.
–I understand that my Asian-American cis-het-monogamous-married woman physician parent identity gives me a certain perspective that is not shared by everyone I meet. I try to remember this, especially when I engage with people whose identities do not overlap much with mine.

How could I do it better?
–It’s easy to feel confident and competent about my skills when I only practice in easy situations. I can look for situations and practice when it’s hard–really train my openness and curiosity. I don’t mean to pick fights with people, rather simply attune to divergent opinions and perspectives around me, and choose more mindfully to engage with that divergence, even if it’s only in my own head.
–Also do it out loud, or in writing. Tonight’s post was prompted by my Facebook post and its comments. I plan not to engage in a complex exchange on social media, and this post will not be my last writing on perspective.

How does society to perspective well already?

Information. This is a tricky one. We can basically find ardent examples of and support for any perspective we want on the internet. So on one hand, it’s really easy to find a diversity of perspectives to explore, process, and deepen understanding and connection. On the other hand….

Groups who lead by example. See the November 9 post on polarity management; organizations like Polarity Partnerships, Braver Angels, and the Aspen Institute all have programs to help us open our minds to broader perspective taking, more effective communication, and better relationships.

How could we do better?

Long form: Conversations and reading. My friend, intending to be helpful, dropped the link for the third perspective piece above as a comment on my Facebook post tonight. There was no accompanying writing or explanation. So far there has been a brief exchange in which she suggests that since the word may be offensive to some people, I should avoid using it (in the context of my post). It made me think more, but rather than engage there, I decided to write out my thoughts here. I’m grateful to her for prompting me to search and read more. Depending on the topic and participants, social media may not be the best place to exchange perspectives, but we can always use it ourselves as a springboard for our own inner and outer work. That work, in my opinion, requires more words, more time, and more real, in person connection.

“Count higher than two”. This article introduced me to David Blankenhorn, co-founder of Braver Angels, a group I admire deeply for its efforts to help people from opposing American political groups de-escalate political discussions. “Sometimes an important phenomenon actually does divide naturally into two and only two parts or sides, between which one all-or-nothing choice must be made. But in most cases, this way of thinking about the world is not only polarizing, it is highly simplistic and leads mainly to pseudo-disagreements as opposed to real ones.” This idea reminds me of the ABC exercise (Adversity-Belief-Consequence), which basically asks us to tell multiple plausible stories to explain adversity to unglue ourselves from our most kneejerk and often dysfunctional assumptions and their subsequent thoughts, words, and actions.

For tonight, I have decided that I can still use the word ‘tribe’ mostly as I have been–with reverence. I am now more aware, however, of the potential drawbacks of using it casually, the impact that may have on people for whom the word has specific and deep meaning. This perspective exercise tonight reminds me to continue practicing mindfulness, respect, and intention in my language. And when I offend someone inadvertently, I can own and correct my ignorance while discerning what’s mine to account for and what’s not.

Here on day 16 of NaBloPoMo 2023, we could choose to see these posts as banal and redundant. I’m feeling more that they mutually reinforce some central tenets of effective relationship, which is my WHY. My net of interconnected practices, their importance, and their mutually upholding properties, strengthens and tightens with each post. My motivation to write it all more coherently and inspiringly in the BFHP also grows daily. AND I’m still gettng to bed on time most nights! HALLELUJAH, FRIENDS!

Ooooo, Leadership tomorrow. Bring it.

Polarity Management

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Yes, AND.

This is the central tenet of polarity management. It’s about holding divergent and apparently opposing ideas or positions at the same time, understanding that their relationship is actually complementary and mutually strengthening rather than perpetually conflicting. Masculine/feminine, individual/collective, conservative/progressive, strong/soft, diplomacy/candor, top down/bottom up–what else? Can we frame any two antagonistic ideas in an infinity polarity loop of inextricable relationship? I say yes. Because it puts us into novel perspectives, prompting a mindshift into possibility, creativity, and connection.

I am waiting on permission to use a seminal image from Polarity Partnerships, the organization founded around the idea that in any polar dichotomy, there is a dynamic flow and balance between the advantages and disadvantages of focusing energy and action on either pole. When we can maximize the benefits and minimize the costs of each pole, then leadership and organizations thrive. It’s much easier to show than tell; fingers crossed I’m allowed to share the image; check out their homepage and you will see what I mean.

13 November 2023: Here it is!

Polarity Map® is a registered trademark of Barry Johnson & Polarity Partnerships, LLC. Commercial use encouraged with permission.

How do I already manage polarities well?
–Since I learned the concept during leadership training in 2019, I now think easily in complementary polarities. I was primed c.2000 when my residency classmate introduced me to “Yes, AND”. She took an improv class and invited me to play a game in the workroom. Thanks, Carol! Now whenever I feel an initial resistance or opposition to something, I look for the juxta(op)position that gives that two-sided coin perspective.
–Polarity management and trade-offs feel related to me. I think in terms of the latter more and more, also since 2019, when I read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. At the end of an elderly life, there is often tension between independence (goal of the elderly) and safety (goal of their family), and a peaceful end of life usually means compromises on both sides. Increasingly as I counsel patients on habit change, I acknowledge that trade offs will be necessary, and only they can define and decide which are and are not worth making, based on their values and goals. I find that approaching behavior in this way eliminates judgment, and also opens the door for flexibility and evolution without (or with less) regret. It is simply flow and growth.
–I definitely parent better from an integrated polarity perspective. Mostly it’s about letting go and hanging on, advising and commanding, that delicate and heavy handed balance. I tend toward a laissez faire parenting style, which risks the kids feeling neglected if I lean too far into my default. I’m getting better at seeing the pitfalls, and I still have some work to do.

How could I manage polarities better?
–Some people in my life prioritize their values and goals very differently from me. I sometimes sit in rigid judgment of this, dismissing their perspective as inferior in some way. I can do better at recognizing the benefits of having these people around to balance and bend my hard biases.
–I will look for strong polarity integration around me and call it out/forth. I will reinforce and amplify it. I will do my part to make both/and thinking, speaking, and leading visible, and move it into mainstream mindset.

How do we already manage polarities well as a society?

We don’t.

How could we do it better?

Where do you see successful, collective, Yes, AND in action?
I can think of two organizations that walk the talk.

Polarity Partnerships.
“In today’s world of increasing interdependency and complexity, it is vital to utilize problem solving AND both/and thinking to address your most strategic challenges and opportunities. The research is clear – leaders, teams and organizations that leverage Polarities well outperform those that don’t. Discover how to leverage your most strategic Polarities (AKA paradox, wicked problems, chronic tensions, dilemmas, etc.) to become more innovative, agile, profitable and competitive immediately and over time.”

Braver Angels.
“Our mission: Bring Americans together to bridge the partisan divide and strengthen our democratic republic.”
“We state our views freely and fully, without fear.
“We treat people who disagree with us with honesty, dignity and respect.
“We welcome opportunities to engage those with whom we disagree.
“We believe all of us have blind spots and none of us are not worth talking to.
“We seek to disagree accurately, avoiding exaggeration and stereotypes.
“We look for common ground where it exists and, if possible, find ways to work together.
“We believe that, in disagreements, both sides share and learn.
“In Braver Angels, neither side is teaching the other or giving feedback on how to think or say things differently.”

Every once in a while I read an article that does it well–not only describing two poles but explaining why each is/both are necessary and good relative to the other, and the importance of balance and flow between them. It’s pretty rare.

For practical application and guidance, I highly recommend Navigating Polarities by Brian Emerson and Kelly Lewis.

Like so many life practices I consider this month, polarity management and navigation is transformational and liberating. I had not realized it so starkly until now. When I get out of either/or, “Yes, BUT,” and “You suck,” accept what is and look for mutually complementary balancing points, new and useful insights almost always follow. My way out of conflict emerges faster and more clearly, and my relationships get stronger along the way. Very cool.