Tag Archives: Polarity Management Barry Johnson

A5R: A Practice to Ground and Grow

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Allostasis: Maintaining stability through change.
Order – Disorder – New Order.

Attune. Attend. Assess. Adjust. Adapt. Repeat.

I’ve thought of this undulating process for some weeks now. The ideas are still a work in progress, and today I feel moved to introduce them here. A5R.

Healing Through Connection turns ten years old in a couple weeks. When I look back at early posts, those words still resonate; I’m still the me who wrote them. And ten years on, of course I’m not the same me! Ha!
A year ago in Be Myself, Change Myself, Be the Change, I wrote, “We are who we are from a very early age, maybe even before we are born. AND, we also constantly evolve throughout our lives. This is one of my favorite paradoxes.”
In Root Down to Branch Out in 2021: “Sturdy, anchored stability | Supple, limber mobility | In dynamic balance | Life of healthy growth | Evolution in action”

Technology, environment, culture, and human relationships change exponentially faster now, and we are not physiologically equipped to cope. –Or are we?

Early humans who survived into old age had naturally energy-conserving metabolisms. When calories were scarce, tribal elders who stored more fat could eat less and live long enough to pass on their communal wisdom to younger generations. I’m convinced this is why most of us tend to gain weight with age, especially if we are not finely attuned and attentive to body signs like hunger, satiety, and non-physiologic drivers of eating and (non)movement (more on this in another post, maybe). Who among us can eat at 50 the way we ate at 20 and not feel almost immediate consequences now that never occurred then? Movement, sleep, mental acuity, hearing, and vision, among other things, all change over time, naturally, predictably, in nature’s most efficient and effective way, all so the species can survive.

Which traits of modern humans will allow us to persist healthily into the 22nd Century and beyond? Whose progeny will thrive five and ten generations from now, and why?
More importantly, what traits, practices, and skills will help each of us, and all of us collectively, thrive now, in this lifetime?

Stable. Strong. Flexible. Agile. Resilient.
I still think of these as the five attributes of fitness of any kind—physical, mental, emotional, relational, organizational, cultural, …and political.
“Be stubborn with the [mission]. Be flexible with the [method].” I riff from Jeff Bezos here, I think.
Is the way we’ve always done it the way that will keep working? Is it optimal?
Is change for its own sake–taking sledgehammers to old ways just because they are old–the best way forward? Can we honestly assess methods passed down through tradition, improvised in response to crisis, and advanced by those in charge, and see/admit both benefits and flaws clearly?

A5R happens anyway. Everything changes eventually, and we change with it, willingly or not. Sometimes we drive, other times we can ride. Getting dragged is most painful. So if we can be a little more intentional–Anticipate and Act in Advance (omg its all A words?)–how much smoother might life all go for us, individually and collectively?

Conservation and Progress.
Youthfulness and Wisdom.
Strong and Soft.
Living toward Death.
What other relevant paradoxes and polarities do we grapple with today and forever?
How can we do it better, suffer less, and get to inner and outer peace sooner?

Attune. Attend. Assess. Adjust. Adapt. Repeat.

Be and live Stable. Strong. Flexible. Agile. Resilient.

Stay open, curious, humble, honest, and accountable.

Learn. Grow. Evolve.

Holding Polarity

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To long time readers of this blog: First, THANK YOU!

Second, what themes here stand out to you over time? Because they recur so often, they resonate, or for other reasons? When I search for ‘polarity’, 20 posts come up since 2020. I only learned about the concept of polarity management in 2019 and have since integrated it in my approach to challenges in almost every life domain.

Almost exactly a year ago I wrote about it in one of the best posts of the month, in my opinion. I identified Polarity Partnerships and Braver Angels as two organizations that do polarity management well (Partnerships was founded by Barry Johnson, author of the seminal book Polarity Management). This means that rather than pitting apparently opposed or antagonistic ideas and positions against each other in a zero sum, we seek to identify and maximize the advantages of both perspectives for optimal integration and function.

It occurs to me that we perceive the word ‘polarized’ with a negative connotation. It means people withdraw from one another, retreat to corners of comfort and concensus, avoiding engagement with those who think, feel, and believe differently on important topics. This negativity about polarization risks making us think negatively about polarity in general, which I Hold for Us to resist.

Polarities are good. Or at least they are not inherently bad. Actually describing them as good or bad is probably not helpful. Polarities are ubiquitous, a fact of nature and life, and holding them in curiosity, openness, and possibility, and without judgment or resistance (thus holding them mindfully) helps us see through and past conflict to creative (re)solutions.

Progressive/Conservative, Blue/Red, Left/Right–however we label our political poles, we each have to stop wishing for the ‘other side’ to back down or step aside. We need to let go the idea that we can convert anyone from their side to ours, to make them see and think the way we do. And we absolutely must stop demonizing one another, calling each other names and generalizing negativity on whole groups based on one attribute. The truth is we need tension and competition of ideology, the free and open debate of ideas and solutions to thrive as an engaged, innovative, and evolving society. We just need to handle the tension and debate much, much better.

We have descended too far into the depths of adversarial engagement. More than any political ideology or policy change, I see this as the greatest threat to our democracy–the fact that we citizens, the collective electorate across the country, cannot muster the ‘curiosity, compassion, and courage‘ to talk through our differences respectfully and constructively. This makes us extremely vulnerable to those who seek to inflame our respective greivances for their own benefit–those for whom a divided population helps them rise to and stay in self-serving power. ‘Divide and conquer.’

The good news is that the movement of polarity management–the resistance to toxic division–grows quickly now. Early adopters have found one another and partnered. They amplify one another’s messages on social media. Their reach expands by resonating with the deep need that so many feel to leave behind hostile rhetoric and ad hominem attacks, to come together and get sh*t done.

The featured image on this post shows twelve organizations that partner with BridgeUSA, “the youth movement for better politics.” From their About Us page:

BridgeUSA is a multi-partisan student movement that champions viewpoint diversity, responsible discourse, and a solution-oriented political culture. We are developing a generation of leaders that value empathy and constructive engagement because our generation will bear the cost of polarization and tribalism for years to come.

Starts With Us, another polarity navigating group, asks:

Are you one of the 87% of Americans from all walks of life who sees a world beyond “us vs. them?” Are you tired of polarizing politics and endless culture wars? The power to reclaim our culture Starts With Us.

Their Movement statement:

We can each work on the skills needed to overcome the forces that divide us — but where do we start? The 3Cs: [Curiosity, Compassion, and Courage]

We all have an innate capacity for curiosity, compassion, and courage. The Starts With Us community is committed to turning the 3Cs into personal daily habits [emphasis mine] that have tremendous personal benefits:

–Connect with and influence community
–Repair strained relationships
–See through fear-stoking media
–Strengthen communication and negotiation
–Sharpen critical thinking and problem solving
–Feel more agency, less anxiety

Progressive and Conservative ideologies are not inherently good or bad, or even necessarily opposed, and it’s counterproductive to hold them as such. Navigating this polarity with the 3C’s, from a mindset of mutual respect, integrative and complementary potential, and shared humanity opens the possibility of finding truly innovative solutions to the challenges of our increasingly complex world.

I Hold Polarity for Us because we are not enemies. We are all humans, here doing our best with what we have. Competing ideas and ideologies do not necessarily imply inevitable conflict or war, though humans too often escalate it that way. Holding Polarity with Curiosity, Compassion, and Courage, in the spirit of connection over division, will help keep us from destroying ourselves.

Do Not Throw Away Your Friends

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*deep breath*

Let’s all slow down and sink into this moment, shall we?  I mean really get settled. Be here only, right now.   *deep*   *breath*

How are you feeling, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally?  I think I will live more peacefully if I ask myself this more often, and take the time to answer and reflect, before I speak or act.

I had finally walked out of some heavy darkness after a truly regenerative vacation.  I started two and finished three books after Christmas.  I wrote all of our family New Year greetings in one sitting, got a better handle on stress eating, and made inroads on social media moderation.  I even worked out four days in a row—2021 was off to an awesome start!

And then this week happened.  I followed peripherally through the workday as our Capitol was besieged by rioters seeking to overthrow the government, then proceeded to doom scroll and [out]rage post into the wee hours of night.  I felt agitated, like most, and also weirdly vindicated.  Thinking back to the dread and despair I experienced this time four years ago, and my conservative friends telling me I was overreacting, I thought, “See?  I was right to worry.” 

“I was right.”  Such a delicious and potentially toxic sentiment.  How does it make anything better?

I saw so many people on January 6th telling their Facebook friends to unfriend if they still support 45.  Another classmate, a Trump supporter, announced she was deactivating her account due to the hostility and blanket dismissals of her as a person.  “You’re dead to me,” my liberal friends announced.  How is a person supposed to respond to that in any kind of productive way?  The title of this post came to me that evening, as I left the office.

In 2016 I friended a high school classmate for the express purpose of conducting civil political discourse on social media.  At that time I did not quite understand what an exercise in futility this can be (mostly is).  I’m proud to say that our exchanges have always, indeed, exemplified civility.  Over the years we also bonded over hiking, shared nerdhood, and not much else.  He asked me occasionally for general medical information and challenged me with math problems he presented to his high school students (I solved them with authority).  But the political interactions became tiresome as the current administration continued.  Last year I requested to cease our political conversations; he graciously agreed.  It was just too unsatisfying, and I felt relieved to just be friendly.  I look forward to when we can meet in person to engage, because I’m so much better at that now.

In face to face political conversations, I have learned to define and hew to clear and simple objectives in any interaction, and it’s almost never to persuade anyone of my rightness.  Most of the time it can only be to understand the other person’s perspective; I’m almost always the one asking more questions and listening more.  I’ve had to accept that and practice patience.  I’ve also had to muzzle my inner rage monster whenever I hear sweeping, oversimplified generalizations like “Democrats’ policies will make everything worse for America,” or “Democrats have no soul.”  I’m not a Democrat, but right now that is the party that more often advances causes and policies that I support.  Conservative and progressive ideals are never all good or all bad.  Rather, they are complex and intricate polarities to be managed in the infinite game of democracy.  Adherents to each side are not mutually demonic and subhuman, monolithic enemies to be vanquished.  They are our neighbors, colleagues, family, and friends.  Nothing will get better if we go around cutting ties left and right (hey! Pun!), especially not in the heat of a moment when the country most needs our collective composure, despite our most agitated emotions.  This is why we must breathe deeply and settle in to our best selves, before we open our mouths or type another word online.

My friend has renounced Trump, saying it took a fair amount of rationalization to vote for him this time, which he regrets.  Welcome to humanity, sir, where we all rationalize most of our decisions, more than we know and much more than we’d like to admit.  He has also declared steadfast commitment to his conservative principles, which I wholeheartedly support.  I’m so hopeful that we may continue to practice our discourse skills on and with each other.  I still may not engage on Facebook, and he has yet to accept a Zoom invitation, but I feel progress coming on (as Progressives often do).