The pick up truck in front of me let a city bus into traffic the other day. I was already in a great mood, driving to Ethos, excited to see my friends and move my body. That this big white monster truck did not try to compete with the bigger white striped monster bus somehow gave me hope for humanity.
More and more drivers flout traffic law these days–do you notice? It’s the same way I see passengers ignoring the fastened seat belt sign on planes. We just don’t care about rules anymore? Or each other? I see it as discourteous, self-absorbed, and generally rude. It makes me annoyed and angry, then sad. I try not to let it poison my attitude toward humans in general. The man who stands up during the plane’s ascent to rummage through the overhead bin is the same man who offers to help me get my carry-on down when we land (which I politely decline because I go to Ethos, thank you very much!). What is up with us lately?
This clear, crisp morning heading westbound on Belmont, a pleasant surprise of vehicular civility made me think. How often do I let buses into traffic in front of me? Not as often as I’d like to declare. Why is that? I generally drive peacefully: I leave two to three seconds between myself and the car in front of me. If you signal, I will absolutely slow down and let you into my lane. If you let me in, I will wait until I can see you in my rearview mirror and wave enthusiastically. I make eye contact with pedestrians and gesture to them to cross in front of me. But with buses, I intentionally speed up to get in front before they cut me off. Huh.
Is it tit for tat? Bus drivers can be pretty aggressive, I have to say. And they almost never wave back, even if eye contact is made. I never realized before that morning how adversarial I feel toward them. Whoa. I wonder if they get this from all of us car drivers?
I took the bus all the time as a student. I spent an hour and a half by train, train, and buuuuus to visit Hubs when he started med school a year before me. The trade off at rush hour was that there were more buses to catch, and also more buses and cars on the road in traffic; no time of day was faster. I controlled nothing; it was a practice in patience and relinquishing agency in a lot of ways.
This perspective came rushing over me all at once as I rolled through the intersection behind the pick up truck, behind the bus, so leisurely, listening to my favorite music in my SUV, all warm and cozy, water bottle at my side. If I encountered an accident or needed to stop for something, I could change my route ad lib. I had at least partial control of my time, my path, and my choices. Not so the people on the bus. They were captive unless they got off, and then they’d have to pay more in time, money, and hassle to change buses, routes, or mode of transport.
My perspective broadened suddenly and unexpectedly: I am not just in relationship with the bus driver(s). I’m in relationship with everybody on a given bus–the people who don’t get to pick their seat, if they get to sit at all; the people who had to get up that much earlier, leave their families, to allow for the extra time on public transit; the people who may not get enough sleep or have time to exercise because their commute takes so long.
Bus drivers are road advocates for their passengers–asserting themselves and their charges into the morass of the rude rest of us–getting their people where they need to go. They have a schedule to fulfill, navigating tight turns and oblivious drivers looking at our phones, ignoring stop signs, and running red lights. I wonder how they think of themselves? I will think of them this way from now on, and give them the space and deference to ferry their passengers with one less obstacle in their way. I’ll wave and smile more, too.
I Hold Perspective for Us, friends. It opens our minds to new points of view, to learning, to insight and epiphany–to connection. It lightens the burden of competition and scarcity. It protects us against mutual isolation and social disintegration. Where could you benefit from some new perspective this week?
Image text: “When you need courage May the fibers of your spine and heart connect in strength and power”
Chengerism, as quoted by Daughter: “OMG Mei, I have the BEST friends!”
Wonderful New Friend had me over to her house yesterday. She offered to go out for lunch, and all I wanted was to be together and talk. We could have eaten cheese and crackers and I would have been happy. So I sat at her kitchen island and she proceeded to pull together the most delicious and satisfying lunch I had all week. We chatted about the kids, the holidays, and our respective homes’ oscillating states of livable pigsty. When we moved from island to sofa, we got into it: “So, the election. Let’s talk.”
OH there was so much! We both vote Blue, and joke that we are the same person: eldest daughters of immigrant engineer dads and nurse moms. Healthcare professionals. White-adjacent women of color. Paper and journal and pen fanatics. And we share many of the same political views, but not all. In the three hours we spent together yesterday, two invaluable insights emerged for me: 1. I really do have the best friends–people who can challenge my assumptions and make me think harder about everything, all in love and to help me grow 2. Part of my role and contribution to political discourse may be to advance healthy allyship.
Google’s AI overview of the term: Allyship is a social justice activism term that describes the actions taken by people in positions of privilege to support marginalized groups: Definition: Allyship is a lifelong process of building relationships with marginalized groups based on trust, consistency, and accountability. It’s an active practice of unlearning and re-evaluating one’s own privilege and working to operate in solidarity with marginalized groups.
I have written about allyship before, and I have another post drafting for later. Tonight I pull the existing catalogue together from 2016 to 2024, so I have it consolidated to reference hereafter. I imagine my own allyship posture and movements will evolve over time, as everything does. Looking back helps to frame where I came from and where I’ve been, and hopefully shows me where I still need to learn and improve. …Wow, there are many more than I realized! Titles and brief exerpts, for my benefit more than yours below. Rereading tonight, I still stand by each piece, and I’m glad I have written it all down through the years.
I Hold Allyship for Us because when we ally with one another, we can do great things. “The only way out is through.” The best way through is together.
Thank you for reading! Onward, friends!
Holding the Space: Beyond ‘Agree to Disagree’, or, A Discussion of White Male Privilege Once we agree to disagree, what then? Where do we go from there? I still believe strongly in the existence of white male privilege, and [my friend] still strongly does not. Let’s assume that both he and I—indeed most of us—are, in fact, kind, decent, compassionate, and intelligent people. Let’s assume also that we all seek productive and positive relationships with others. What, then, are the best and worst manifestations of our respective beliefs? I think it’s an important question. How could we Hold the Space for the answers?
The Status of Women, 1999-2019 What happens for men when women speak Feminism? I intend to ask this question to more men in my life from now on. What do you hear as Feminism? Where do you think it comes from? What do you think women are trying to accomplish by talking about equity and representation? What moves a man to ally with women in this movement? What keeps him from doing so? What are the risks, costs, and benefits for us all when he does and does not?
What I’m Learning About Equity Another new WEL friend, Dr. Dawn Sears, has already taken this idea to heart and made an impact in her community, elevating women’s and men’s awareness of gender disparity in medicine, and helping them fight it together. Check out her powerful presentation to colleagues here, full of evidence as well as unsettling personal stories. In it she directly and kindly addresses the men in the audience, informing and inviting them to join the fight, for all our sakes. She names the contrarian men who have held her up on her professional journey, defying gender bias and paving their own HeForShe way for others. She includes men in order to enroll them in the movement. I encourage all to view the talk—find out how you, as colleague, patient, and all around good citizen, man or woman, can help improve the system for us all.
Sexism and Apologies 2020 What I have learned (perhaps again) in this time, however, is that relationship discord, even just the possibility of it, is what distresses me the most. How will I be perceived for voicing my concerns, for advocating for my peers and teams? How will a negative perception undermine my effectiveness? Will it cost me my seat at this table or others? Does any man ask himself these questions?
This Is the Work We are all called to face our discomfort head on, to stand up and take responsibility. We can no longer escape the harsh reality of choice that we all must continually face: Do what’s Right or do what’s easy. Let’s assume for a moment that it really is that simple—all qualifications moot. It may be unrealistic to expect ourselves to choose Right every time…because qualifications. But aaaaarrrgh we do not do it nearly, nearly enough. Nothing will change without a critical mass of us choosing Right, much more of the time, for a very long time to come.
After discussion with participants he notes, “’Notice that the guys who bring the skills less emphasized in the culture can more quickly identify how the culture works against them. You might imagine the same experience for women and people of color.’ …It’s even more critical in today’s global world that we as members of the dominant group understand our water.” I can’t wait to keep reading and see hearts broken open, as Parker Palmer says, to the power and potential of inescapable interconnectedness.
Even the ‘Oppressor’ Deserves Safety and Support During the [White Men’s] Caucus retreat [led by Michael Welp, author of Four Days to Change], white men are both challenged and supported to dig deep into their own privilege. Inescapable mirrors of truth and profound discomfort, and also of love and compassion, surround them for four days. They are expected to feel tremendous guilt and shame, both natural emotions that occur on the path of self-discovery and humility. But rather than weaponizing these feelings, facilitators love the attendees through them, shepherding them through the emotional (shit)storm to a place of self-compassion and forgiveness. This is where their outward humility, openness, and sincere advocacy for inclusion and diversity take root—because they experience it first hand from their teachers and peer learners. Leadership is hard enough, but leading initiatives in diversity, equity, and inclusion is a whole other dimension of complexity. How can we expect any leader, white male or otherwise (but white males especially), to do it well alone, without a core peer group willing to hold their feet to the fire with both love and conviction?
Why Identity Matters “You have a Chinese face,” my mom said to me. I was ten years old, maybe twelve. I can’t remember how it came up. But the message was twofold and clear: 1. What makes you different from almost everybody around you is visible. You cannot hide it, you cannot escape it. 2. People will judge you for it, so like it or not, to them, you represent us—your family, your ethnicity, all people who look like you. Once again I find myself in this strange, middle, white-adjacent space, considering how I can and should use my unique identity for the greater good. How does an anti-racist message land differently/better/worse when I express it? How do my white colleagues hear me differently/better/worse from/than my Black and other underrepresented minority colleagues? Do I have a bridge role to play here? Or should I keep my head down and my mouth shut (this is unlikely)?
White Male Allies: Please Do This Advice from the doctor carries more weight and influence than from the spouse. Teen peer more than parent. And fellow Cis-Het-Christian-White Male (CHCWM) more than anyone else. So men: how are you helping? It’s more effective if you come alongside rather than come at. Berating, lecturing, or shaming fellow men to take a hard left from their stereotypes, implicit biases, and internalized misogyny hardly ever works. Rather, use your influence more quietly. Lead by example with your words and actions to the slow off-ramp of self-awareness, self-regulation and movement toward gender equality. Be gentle. Plant the seeds. Water, water, light, fertilize, water, light, water.. and eventually we can repot. Scale your influence by connecting with other exemplary leaders. Culture change occurs mostly from the top down, and CHCWMs are the CEOs of American culture.
The Complexity of Allyship So, what are the questions to ask when we consider upstanding and allying? How does this affect me directly? Indirectly? How do I feel about it? What do I think about it (because these are different)? How does this affect people I care about, whom I respect and admire? How does this affect all of our relationships, professional, personal, financial, and other? What do I not know? What core values of mine, of the community, are violated here? How can I best uphold and live into those values in this context? What other questions do I need to ask?
To long time readers of this blog: First, THANK YOU!
Second, what themes here stand out to you over time? Because they recur so often, they resonate, or for other reasons? When I search for ‘polarity’, 20 posts come up since 2020. I only learned about the concept of polarity management in 2019 and have since integrated it in my approach to challenges in almost every life domain.
Almost exactly a year ago I wrote about it in one of the best posts of the month, in my opinion. I identifiedPolarity Partnerships and Braver Angels as two organizations that do polarity management well (Partnerships was founded by Barry Johnson, author of the seminal book Polarity Management). This means that rather than pitting apparently opposed or antagonistic ideas and positions against each other in a zero sum, we seek to identify and maximize the advantages of both perspectives for optimal integration and function.
It occurs to me that we perceive the word ‘polarized’ with a negative connotation. It means people withdraw from one another, retreat to corners of comfort and concensus, avoiding engagement with those who think, feel, and believe differently on important topics. This negativity about polarization risks making us think negatively about polarity in general, which I Hold for Us to resist.
Polarities are good. Or at least they are not inherently bad. Actually describing them as good or bad is probably not helpful. Polarities are ubiquitous, a fact of nature and life, and holding them in curiosity, openness, and possibility, and without judgment or resistance (thus holding them mindfully) helps us see through and past conflict to creative (re)solutions.
Progressive/Conservative, Blue/Red, Left/Right–however we label our political poles, we each have to stop wishing for the ‘other side’ to back down or step aside. We need to let go the idea that we can convert anyone from their side to ours, to make them see and think the way we do. And we absolutely must stop demonizing one another, calling each other names and generalizing negativity on whole groups based on one attribute. The truth is we need tension and competition of ideology, the free and open debate of ideas and solutions to thrive as an engaged, innovative, and evolving society. We just need to handle the tension and debate much, much better.
We have descended too far into the depths of adversarial engagement. More than any political ideology or policy change, I see this as the greatest threat to our democracy–the fact that we citizens, the collective electorate across the country, cannot muster the ‘curiosity, compassion, and courage‘ to talk through our differences respectfully and constructively. This makes us extremely vulnerable to those who seek to inflame our respective greivances for their own benefit–those for whom a divided population helps them rise to and stay in self-serving power. ‘Divide and conquer.’
The good news is that the movement of polarity management–the resistance to toxic division–grows quickly now. Early adopters have found one another and partnered. They amplify one another’s messages on social media. Their reach expands by resonating with the deep need that so many feel to leave behind hostile rhetoric and ad hominem attacks, to come together and get sh*t done.
BridgeUSA is a multi-partisan student movement that champions viewpoint diversity, responsible discourse, and a solution-oriented political culture. We are developing a generation of leaders that value empathy and constructive engagement because our generation will bear the cost of polarization and tribalism for years to come.
Starts With Us, another polarity navigating group, asks:
Are you one of the 87% of Americans from all walks of life who sees a world beyond “us vs. them?” Are you tired of polarizing politics and endless culture wars? The power to reclaim our culture Starts With Us.
We can each work on the skills needed to overcome the forces that divide us — but where do we start? The 3Cs: [Curiosity, Compassion, and Courage]
We all have an innate capacity for curiosity, compassion, and courage. The Starts With Us community is committed to turning the 3Cs into personal daily habits [emphasis mine] that have tremendous personal benefits:
–Connect with and influence community –Repair strained relationships –See through fear-stoking media –Strengthen communication and negotiation –Sharpen critical thinking and problem solving –Feel more agency, less anxiety
Progressive and Conservative ideologies are not inherently good or bad, or even necessarily opposed, and it’s counterproductive to hold them as such. Navigating this polarity with the 3C’s, from a mindset of mutual respect, integrative and complementary potential, and shared humanity opens the possibility of finding truly innovative solutions to the challenges of our increasingly complex world.
I Hold Polarity for Us because we are not enemies. We are all humans, here doing our best with what we have. Competing ideas and ideologies do not necessarily imply inevitable conflict or war, though humans too often escalate it that way. Holding Polarity with Curiosity, Compassion, and Courage, in the spirit of connection over division, will help keep us from destroying ourselves.
Healing Through Connection 