Category Archives: exercise

The Transformative Power of Community

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AIYAAAAAH IT’S JUST TOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!!

Friends, please meet my new beach volleyball teammates! We are the Ethos team at North Avenue Beach on Wednesday evenings, woohooooooo!! I have played since 7th grade, and never on sand until this summer. And I can’t think of another group I would feel safer and have more fun doing it with. How many times have I mentioned Ethos and how I love the team there? Well it keeps getting better, I just cannot say (or write) enough!

In the last four months I have increased weight from 50# to 105# on barbell back squats, 12.5# to 20# on dumbbell bench press at any angle, 35# to 70# on landmine squats, and all kinds of other personal strength and endurance records. In that time I also hit some speed bumps and potholes: left sciatic impingement (April-May), left medial meniscus aggravation (May to last week), left shoulder instability (ongoing and improving), and right brachioradialis spasm (July to present, also improving). Bottom lines: 1) I never would have tried loading weight like this on my own at home, thus my strength and form stagnated. 2) Had I injured myself working out at home, I would not have known how to modify anything to continue moving and progressing safely. But with the support and encouragement of the coaches and community at Ethos, strength, form, confidence, motivation, and joy and connection have all improved exponentially.

“There can be a fine line between rehab and performance,” Jacob told me. EUREKA! Lighten up on weight this week, focus on range of motion, Ryan advised. They taught me hip, knee, neck, and wrist CARs. Listen to my body. Take care of it with good sleep and nutrition. Be patient. No judgment. Keep coming to class, spirit buoyed by friends. Coaches continue to monitor and correct. And voila: healing and progress, competence and confidence, HALLELUJAH!

I have never, in my entire life, loved going to the gym like I do now, and it’s all because of the people. So when I heard about the beach volleyball group, it was a no brainer to join. My world expands newly after 38 years of indoor play, adjusting to various outdoor conditions (twilight/night, wet/dry and deep/shallow sand, and wind, OMG!). Lessons in team communication emerge in yet another domain. And between gym and beach, uplifting new friendships bloom. I mean does it get any better than this?? I feel positively giddy from it all!

How do your communites support, even carry you? As I thought more this weekend about belonging, connection, and mutual, synergistic uplift, meaningful examples appeared everywhere.

New Friend described his spiritual community to me and I could feel, from his facial expressions, voice, and posture, the deep stability and peace he gets from that connection. The Sheil Catholic Center has been that for me since college, not because of religion per se, but again because of the people. Shared spiritual belief and core values play a primary role in Friend’s and my belonging in these groups, and deep connection can occur around anything: Meditation, yoga, sports, volunteering, book club, work…

How many different communities include you, make you better, and benefit reciprocally from your unique presence and participation?

OMG Romance! WHODATHUNK? 11 months in and still binging strong, my friends. Since I posted initially last November, my consumption has expanded from steamy cis-het-binary-monogamous rom-coms to novels that include male-male, dark, fantasy, paranormal, mafia, dominant-submissive, and polyamorous themes! My vicarious sex and relationship education continues with momentum and ardent support–you guessed it–from the romance community! I would never have found any of these stories and experiences if not for the Shaneiaks Facebook group and guidance from the indefatiguable Suzi over at Royal Reads Services, group admin and expert in all things romance publishing. I have always been open and comfortable talking to my patients and kids about sex, and today I’m even more confident and bold. Ask me anything, tell me anything, and I will engage with a whole new level of openness now. By the way, if you also seek to broaden your horizons in this domain, I highly recommend Boyslut by Zachary Zane.

How do your communities support others?

Once again, the romance community inspires me. When author Lili Valente‘s house was destroyed by recent floods in the Northeast, her fans came together to support her through direct book purchases on her website. This week author Lucy Eden has organized RomanceforMaui, an upcoming auction to raise money for those affected by the most devastating wildfires in the United States in 100 years. Check out the auction items–consider bidding for yourself, your romance fan friends, and for the people on Maui. Finally, see how romance narrators, authors, and audiobook producers come together to support their BIPOC colleagues by providing grants and services to bring their work forth through Audio in Color. Simply amazing.

I am such a better version of myself because I belong to these tribes, wow, how humbling and exciting.

It occurs to me that membership in some communities can actually transform us into worse versions of ourselves… *sigh*… More on that in later post, perhaps…

Relationships. They can kill us or save us, and so much more. Our communities of deep and meaningful belonging can enrich, expand, educate, and empower us, often to heights we could never have imagined. How can we build and grow more of these connections, strengthen them for the good of all? I have some ideas…

One Perfect Day

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“What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?”

Some of you may recognize this as one of “36 Questions That Lead to Love,” a popular and oft-cited article by Daniel Jones in the New York Times in 2015, based on Arthur Aron’s study published in 1997. I could never generate a plausible answer, thinking superficially. And every time I read the article, I think of Nigel Marsh’s description of his ideal day–see 4:50 of his 2011 TED Talk. Basically he spends quality time with family, works about 6 hours, hangs out with friends, exercises, and has sex four times.

Coming across the question again in You’re Not Listening by Kate Murphy yesterday, I realized how close to perfect my day off was this week. Here’s how it went, with brackets inserted that would have made it truly ideal:

Wake up after 7 hours of sleep, in a fantastic mood, giddily looking forward to the day.
Move through morning routine easily, no rush or urgency.
Talk to Mei on the way to school, discussing her musings on anything that comes to mind.
Eat a light and tasty breakfast, sweet and salty, carb and protein, and coffee–oh yes, pour over coffee, nice and slow.
Consume a book and/or articles: on audio, digital, and/or print, romance and/or other, in the kitchen and car.

Ethos class! Challenged, educated, strengthened, and energized through coaching and community. I am now quoted on their social media:

Lunch with Dear Friend #1, communing over gorgeous salad, an Arnold Palmer, and shared ideals of leadership, friendship, and inner work.
[Find squishy armchair in a bookstore coffee shop, where I journal my reflections from lunch, reveling in the time and space to meet my friend and feed my soul.]

Browse bookstore, purchase artistic yet understated journal for Dear Friend #2, because everybody deserves pretty paper to write on.
Run into Dear Friend #3 on the way to meet DF2, reconnecting after many months and checking in–yay!
Walk and talk with DF2 [on wooded trails of Summit County–or] near Lake Michigan, stopping to photograph beauty that catches our eyes.
We discuss culture and relational leadership, exchange perspectives, and brainstorm ways to help systems and their people flourish.

[Find a shady bench, near spring blooms and urban wildlife, to sit and journal again, recording ideas, plans, aspirations, BHAGs.]

Pick up Mei from school, she’s energized more than stressed.
Pull fresh ingredients from fridge, audiobook or Agape music in the ears while chopping and stir frying.
Have a light and easy dinner, somebody else cleans up.
Mill around enjoying the house and its memories [it’s clean and neat, all plants watered and thriving].
Complete a relaxed night time routine, including pleasant smelling skin treatments.
More writing [and reading] in bed, all leftover words effused [and/or absorbed] for the day.
Lights out, burrowed in the covers, some intimate connection, sated in all 5 reciprocal domains of health.
Still high the next day and beyond, absolutely buoyed.

So what makes this day so perfect? What makes me so unreasonably and residually happy from it?
The ingredients:
Time
Autonomy
Good sleep
Movement
Communion with people I care about and who care about me
Good food
Alternating rhythm between activity and rest; among input, processing, and output
Nature, especially sunlight
Social, emotional, and intellectual connection, both intra- and inter-.

Would I want to live this day every day? I think not, even if it were possible… Although I could easily imagine repeating it a few times over a languid vacation.

When I cannot/will not get a whole day like this at a time, how can I incorporate something perfect into each day? This question excites me with potential. It wouldn’t take much of any/each of the ingredients above, in any combination, to make any day a little more ideal. Some advance planning, mindfulness, and real time gratitude could go a long, long way. By this time next year, regardless of what’s happening around me that I cannot control, my life in general—all days—could be a lot closer to perfect, even more excellent, than they already are.

Friction, Traction, and Drag

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On our way to any destination, what helps and hinders our progress?

I am currently halfway through reading The Human Element: Overcoming the Resistance That Awaits New Ideas by Loran Nordgren and David Schonthal, which I recommend. It describes “the four Frictions” that keep us from adopting new ideas or behaviors: Inertia, Effort, Emotion, and Reactance. How fascinating and helpful! It makes sense to think of friction as something that hinders motion and progress, something to be overcome. We consider kinetic energy wasted when friction converts it to heat, and experience real consequences of equipment failure, injury, and stagnation from the burn of chafing contact in motion.

Then again, when is friction desirable? Imagine hiking, mountain climbing, or attempting to traverse any path with the surface covered in a sheet of smooth ice or a thick oil slick. Either we get nowhere, or somewhere we don’t want ‘way too fast. Even for Olympic speed skaters, blade contact with the most pristine ice track still requires some friction–an ideal amount–to gain enough purchase to push against and maintain control.

I submit that in movement of any kind–physical, political, behavioral, emotional, etc–we need optimal friction. Stability requires friction; we depend on it for orientation, to know where we start. Optimal friction coefficient over an ideal surface area provides traction–enough resistance to push against, the stability to launch forward with power. Tire treads, soccer cleats, chalk on a pool cue–we know how to modify objects for maximal traction and performance.

How can we modify our mindsets similarly? What does it cost us to make everything too easy, to remove all friction on the path to achievement? For three years I have exercised in my basement, doing things I know, challenging myself minimally. I have gained strength and maintained confidence in my movements, and also stagnated in my fitness. Joining a fitness community pushes me; I get to reassess my assumptions of capacity and limits. It introduces healthy friction. The tribe here gives me something to test against, strengthening through challenge, elevating my achievement. Additionally, I feel positive peer pressure to eat healthier, a perennial stuggle for me. Communing with folks who care for their bodies with whole foods increases the psychological discomfort (friction?) I feel from eating junk–even when I’m not with them–and voila, my nutrition patterns are changing for the better.

What is the relationship between friction, traction, and drag?

Friction can help or hinder. Traction requries an optimal quantity and distribution of friction for both stability and mobility–I think of it as a kind of potential energy. We understand the concept of traction easily from common vernacular, but what about ‘drag’, other than as late 20th Century social slang? I love the internet, where you can Google, “What is drag in physics” and get it directly from NASA:

“Drag is a mechanical force. It is generated by the interaction and contact of a solid body with a fluid (liquid or gas). It is not generated by a force field, in the sense of a gravitational field or an electromagnetic field, where one object can affect another object without being in physical contact. For drag to be generated, the solid body must be in contact with the fluid. If there is no fluid, there is no drag. Drag is generated by the difference in velocity between the solid object and the fluid. There must be motion between the object and the fluid. If there is no motion, there is no drag. It makes no difference whether the object moves through a static fluid or whether the fluid moves past a static solid object.”

So drag is the resistance of the milieu to movement of an object. It is the cultural current against which innovation swims upstream, a result of the inherent viscosity of any given system. I think of it as another form of friction, but one that only hinders.

If I’m trying to change, to move something, what are the sources of negative friction, positive traction, and drag? Of these, which are modifiable and not? Where and how can I gain a foothold or grip, to push or pull myself onward? Where do I need to apply some lubricant and relieve or release a counterproductive grind? How does the environment need to change, or how can I change my orientation within it, so I may glide more easily toward my goal?

“Drag is generated by the difference in velocity between the solid object and the fluid.” Hmmm. So if I claim my role as change agent, then I must decide how much drag I’m willing and able to tolerate, how much I can afford in cost of fuel for thrust, and what velocity of change will satisfy me. I have to think that my vector matters, also. Head on opposition to a strong and established current, versus a hard left diversion, versus introducing a small fork or bumper in the terrain… I can consider all of these and more, depending on my goals and the ambient conditions.

OH this is such a fun thought experiment! Framing my goals, plans, and actions in terms of friction, traction, and drag allows me to step back from my own tunnel vision, to see a complex adaptive system perhaps more concretely and objectively, even dispassionately. Whether it’s my own personal health habits or the professional culture of medicine, this analogy feels helpful. I wonder how it will continue to manifest hereafter?