Category Archives: gratitude

Mobility is Confidence

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It is Day 11 of NaBloPoMo 2017: Field Notes from a Life in Medicine, Day 10 of Bum Knee Cathy.

So far, so good!  This third time through NBPM is definitely easier and less stressful than before.  It’s not my best writing, but it’s not bad.  I’m spending less time thinking and writing, and having ‘way more fun.  Can’t say that much for BKC, though.  I’ve never had an injury like this and I’m not quite sure what to expect.  The good news is, swelling is decreasing and I limp a little less every day.

I had not gone 7 days without exercise in almost three years, and it was starting to feel a little too comfortable.  It also did not help that we had a bag of Kit Kats left over from Halloween—bad planning.  So on day 8 I decided to see what I could do in the gym.  Turns out, I still need to avoid activities that require me to plant my feet or fully extend the knees.  But there is still a lot I can do, and today I found a full suite of moves, some modified, that were enough to break a sweat, woo hooooo!!  Even though I wrote that I was good about losing my training discipline, I was still worried.

Today, however, I have my confidence back.  Earlier this week I reconciled with the possibility of not playing volleyball anymore, but I have not given up on my intention to get back on the court.  And if that’s not possible, then I can try the other things on my list: martial arts, kickboxing, tennis, and who knows what else?  Still so many possibilities!

The day before I hurt myself I passed a lady on the way to work.  She was older, obese, walking with a limp and a cane.  I came up behind her, slowed down, and passed her when space opened up on the sidewalk.  I suddenly appreciated my unencumbered gait.  How ironic.  My parents are almost 70 years old and they just returned from a month-long tour of China and Taiwan.  He golfs and she still precepts nursing students in the hospital.  Neither of them has ever had a prolonged period of immobility, even after major surgery.  They still move through life confident in what their bodies can do, looking forward to their next trip.  I know many orthopaedic surgeons.  With them I have shared patients who got their lives back after joint replacement surgery—able to walk, golf, and even ski again—without pain, and with confidence.

Tonight I appreciate that much more what my parents have achieved and what my colleagues do.  I appreciate my body that much more, and what is required to maintain it.  I appreciate the importance of conversations with my own patients, when we talk about establishing habits in middle age that will allow us all to be strong and healthy in old age.

How much do we take our mobility for granted?  For myself, not as much today as I did 12 days ago.

Conscience and Ego?

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NaBloPoMo 2017: Field Notes from a Life in Medicine

I’m so grateful for my many friends who make a daily practice of examining and reflecting on feelings, behavior, and meaning.  We see each other often and trade stories of enlightening, demoralizing, enraging, moving, curious, inspiring, dismaying, confusing, validating, and human experiences.  Tonight one of them texted me about a conversation with a fellow cosmic journeyer: “Wise Friend told me that when he’s really wrong is when he’s the most defensive and I thought about it and it’s true for me, too.”

It didn’t take me long to relate viscerally to this message.  I tried reading The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford some years ago.  It’s all about facing our specific areas of self-loathing and overcoming them with I don’t know what.  Because while I usually take pride in my ability to explore my insides and be with the ugly, I could not make it through that book.  When I got to the comprehensive self-loathing-identification exercise, I had to stop, and my subconscious gnarled such that I picked a fight with the husband that lasted two weeks.  I like to think that I have evolved since then, that my inner life is slightly less gnarly these days. I now choose to work through my self-loathing one small piece at a time, in small doses with my therapist, on and off.

I texted back tonight from my gut, “I think it’s true for all of us, most defensive when most wrong.  Our consciences know better than our egos.”  It was one of those unguarded moments that allows for a new (for me) expression for an old concept.  And now I have a new idea to consider: how do conscience and ego interact, and what are the products of their collaboration and/or competition?  More importantly, how does the interaction (entanglement?) show up in our relationships?  Marriage, parenting, friendship, physician-patient?  How can we manage these relationships optimally through exploring this mental/emotional interplay?  Maybe I’m overthinking…  If it’s mostly true that our consciences know better than our egos, then maybe I can just continue practicing awareness of Ego’s tendency to bully Conscience, and training Conscience to peacefully and firmly Resist.

 

 

To You Who Hold Me Up

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October 27, 2017

My Dear Friend,

Thank you so much for hosting me this week!  Your home is a simple and inspiring space—you have clearly arranged and furnished it according to your core values, and its energy is palpable.  OF COURSE you’d orient the sofa squarely facing the big window and rising sun!

I am so grateful to know you, to enjoy welcoming access to your perspective, your experience, your generosity of spirit, and your willingness to explore the unanswered, the uncertain, the mysterious, the daunting.  Because of friends like you, I am a better version of myself.  I hope I can return the favor in your life.

Until next time—love and hugs–

🙂 ❤ Cathy

***

I wrote this to a particular friend today.  Then came the joyous realization that I have many friends to whom I could write the same.  They live their integrity every day, out loud and in person, with clarity, consistency, and discipline.  How lucky am I to be surrounded by such uplifting forces of nature?  Our shared curiosity saves us from cynicism.  Collective love emboldens us to ask the scary questions and stand strong facing the unknown.

None of us can know what’s coming around the corner.  It’s okay to feel afraid sometimes.  Things might suck rocks for a while.  And in the end, because we know we have one another, we also know we’ll be okay.  We walk together, laugh together, wonder together, and learn together.  We are truly stronger and better together.

How can I help but feel hopeful?