I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it: People are suffering. Not everybody, but many, and many pretty badly. A prolonged global pandemic, unprecedented political polarization, escalating agitation for social justice—any one of these would be enough to push us over the edges of our sanity, and yet here we are, surviving all three and more.
I know it’s a challenging day when I’ve handled three phone calls before getting out of the car at work in the morning, and in the afternoon I think Hallelujah and give joyful thanks for one patient’s globally negative Review of Systems and another’s 95% oxygen saturation. But this is also the most fulfilling day. I did good work today.
Like most primary care doctors, my message volume has increased by about 30-50% in recent months. Complex questions and issues require time and patience to think and talk through. Many cannot be readily answered or solved, and the uncertainty calls out all of our anxieties and defenses, insecurities and grievances. Every patient experiences this historic moment in a unique and acute way. As the storm rolls over the neighborhood, I see it land on each doorstep, knowing what’s already in the house—how the furniture is arranged, what’s in the closets, maybe even the state of the foundation. I am allowed inside, invited to inspect and advise.
What an amazing privilege to be a physician in this moment, to witness, and to help. This is absolutely what I signed up for, what I’m called to, and what I trained for. I promise to do my best, and we will get through it together.
So, what stands out most to you these days? Surging COVID cases and hospital admissions? SCOTUS aberrations? Election tension and drama? A sense of doom and nihilism about the future of humanity? Hope requires ever more effort to acquire and maintain, no?
So many people complain about how divided we are, how the country is headed toward civil war… How we can’t talk to our friends who disagree… As if there nothing we can do about it. But they attack my position, they just yell and scream, they get so emotional, I hear. It’s too hard to talk, so I abandon my relationships that used to bring joy and connection. And I blame the other; I take no responsibility myself.
Huh.
What’s the phrase, Be the Change you wish to see in the world?
Maybe we could do this a little more?
And then elect people who can lead by a much better example? What would that be like?
Yes, it’s work. So. Much. Hard. Work. And it never ends.
We are all full participants here–the current state of things is the logarithmic sum of all of our relationships—the good, bad, ugly and all. For whom are we waiting to save us? How much longer will we each play the hapless victim?
We ALL share responsibility.
But it’s too hard, I hear. Yes, I know. I’m sorry, there is no way around this. And it’s okay! We can do hard things! Humans have dominated our environment, defied nature, and flourished for generations. And yet, we somehow still succumb to our most primitive and self-defeating tribal instincts—how fascinating! Sometimes I really do feel like we will drive ourselves to self-destructive extinction in my lifetime. But every day I wake up is another opportunity to avert this fate.
And it is hard! Every day I bite my tongue, moderate my thoughts and words so as not to slide down the rabbit hole of despair and denigration. I still commit ‘passionate trash mouth’ as a friend calls it—I often follow “Be the Change” with “Own Your Shit.” I’m not perfect. But my mission is worthy and I pursue it with fervor.
It doesn’t have to be anything grand or far-reaching. We can just remember a few things, for starters, to get us through whatever comes next—to exercise our own agency, each of us, to shape it all for the better.
The Opposition Will Not Be Vanquished. Neither will they stop opposing. Polarities are necessary and healthy in life. Both conservative and progressive ideals serve the common good. Competing and parallel goals and values will always co-exist—it’s a paradox—and the more we can accept this necessary and inextricable relationship, the sooner we can move with the push/pull flow rather than against it.
I lean progressive; you lean conservative. Rather than mutual categorical conquest, we can seek dynamicbalance—of power and goals, among other things. Life with other humans is a dance; it requires attunement and differentiation, give and take, and mutual cooperation for us all to thrive. Extreme ad hominem rhetoric and arrogant, self-righteous displays of disrespect fracture our relational foundations. Cracks then propagate widely and we find ourselves here, on the verge of violence and social disintegration.
Find and Acknowledge the Kernel of Truth. Life coaching taught me one of the most important lessons in life: Everybody’s right, and only partially. When the opposition criticizes you, your position, or the outcomes of ‘your side’s’ policies, do you validate the partial truth of that criticism? Do you even see it? Or do you maintain that your side is always right, and the opposition is always wrong? Give and take, remember? Admitting a flaw does not mean invalidating an entire ethos or platform. Complex adaptive issues cannot be solved or even managed with sweeping and yet oversimplified, sound-bitten solutions. I acknowledge the imperfection(s) in my program. And, my intentions and objectives are important and worthy. How can I learn from your challenging perspective and make mine better, more accountable and resilient, in service of more people? What small steps can we take toward mutual understanding and collaboration, rather than bickering and stalemate? How is my opposition actually my ally?
It Starts With Me. Stop bystanding—complaining and whining like a spectator. Rather, upstand for civil discourse—engage. When someone yells at/near me in criticism and contempt, I can yell back, give as good as I get. I can get defensive, stonewall, or disengage. These are the horsemen of the relationship apocalypse, as John Gottman describes them (read about the antidotes here). Instead of fight, flight, or freeze, practice tend and befriend. Acknowledge people’s emotions and core values on all sides. Empathize. Verbalize understanding. Voice your hurt feelings and invite the other to understand your personal perspective. Tell your story. Invite others’ stories and listen wholeheartedly. Scary, right? Vulnerable. Brave.
This moment calls us forth to peel off the heavy armor of hostility, binary thinking, and tribalism. We are called to meet the ‘opposition’ disarmed and disarming, offering humility and compassion, on the open field of shared humanity and common goals. We must advocate for our causes repeatedly with ardently calm and patient logos as well as pathos, and hear the others’ retort, calm and patient or not, with open hearts and a learning attitude. It is up to each of us to lead by example.
We cannot ‘beat’ them; we may or may not join them; and we can always meet them. Negotiation is always possible, and like in all relationships, we must all show up in good faith, and have some faith in the each other. We must commit and live up to our own trustworthiness first.
These are all skills we can learn, practice, and master. There are models all around us. We only have to look, listen, and emulate. If you’re interested in more formal training and practice, check out Braver Angels and Better Arguments. I’m signed up for another training session in December. Practice makes better.
HOLY COW what a year, amIright? How are you? What was yesterday like? I know you wanted to sign up to work the polls, and decided to be at work with your team instead. Maybe they didn’t need you, but you thought it was right. What was the vibe, could you feel the pulse?
How have you observed people holding their own stuff together, and helping others do the same? How have you done this… and not? What do you need right now? What does the family need? And your teams? Friends? Leaders?
Today is your friend’s birthday, make sure you call her.
And maybe keep the calendar clear this weekend (except for that alphabet workout on Sunday, of course). Give yourself and the family time and space to breathe and settle down. There may not be an outcome for a while—it’s anybody’s guess at this point! It’s all so nuts. Whatever happens, we must find a way to recover and reconnect; this is imperative.
How will you conduct yourself in the coming months, regardless of the outcome?
Looking back, you have learned and matured much in the past 4 years—STRONG WORK, MAMA! Haha, finally, I get to say this to myself. 😉 Remember when you could not help but RAGE and YELL on Facebook, when you succumbed to impulsive ad hominem, then felt helpless and exhausted? The exhaustion feels different this time, no? It has more meaning, more purpose. Because you have done the inner work to show up as your better self. You have reflected, consulted, read, challenged, practiced, rejected, regulated, and engaged. You’ve also basked in the nourishing light and warmth of mentors and role models, showing you the value and fruits of magnanimity and grace.
You participated better this time. You wrote and mailed postcards. You phone banked to fellow Chinese Americans. You focused more on what you’re for than what you’re against. Most of all, you did your best to elevate conversations. You seek the Strong Middle, where people can have heartfelt, empathic, and often uncomfortable conversations, in service of connection. You compromised none of your core values, and held certain ones in front, like curiosity, kindness, respect, and generosity. Often such attitudes were not returned, from either ‘the opposition’ or ‘your own side’.
But you got enough to keep going, and now you’re stronger. And it’s all stoked the embers of positive change—the rock circle around your inner campfire enlarges. You’ve found friends who also seek connection across difference. Together you will create wider space and build a beautiful bonfire—visible from afar, inviting, welcoming, warming, and inspiring. There’s a knock you can no longer ignore; you are called to do more.
Let this letter serve as your ethos manifesto—a first draft, at least. When you feel frustrated and hopeless, when all you encounter tell you it’s a lost cause; when you feel attacked and diminished, and tempted to behave badly or give up, read this.
It’s an Infinite Game. The goal in an infinite game is not to ‘win’; it’s to stay in the game. Others may play to vanquish you, your cause, or one another. This will never happen—there will always be new players; the issues, conflicts, and polarities will never go away. Your job is to modify the game, to make it more humane for all players, while you advance your finite goals. The costs of playing should not outweigh the rewards as they do today. You know you can help rebalance, to give voice, strength, and power to those whose Why is connection. That is how you will leave the game better for having played.
Center. Ground. Focus. Engage. This mantra served you well for years. You know your own core values. Their roots run deep and strong; they hold you up; trust them. You know the truth of your message, no matter how it gets assailed. You also draw strength and light from your amazing friends. They will stand by you—and you them—you hold each other up high. Trust that, too.
No ad hominem. Your mantra for the past few years: Present. Open. Grounded. Kind. Loving. Smart. You can be strong and flexible—strong back, soft front, wild heart, as Joan Halifax and Brené Brown write. It serves no one for you to engage with negativity. Firmness, directness, and steadfastness, however, along with fairness, humility, and accountability, will get you far. Standing in these practices, I am confident you will regret less in the end.
One Day, One Moment, One Breath at a time. Everywhere you go, in every challenge, mindfulness emerges as a universal sustaining practice. You always have your breath. You can always use it, this quintessential polarity that teaches us about simplicity and infinity. Lean in to it. Draw in strength, respire peace.
Healing Through Connection 