Quirky Nerd, or “When In Doubt, C4.”

Angler Mountain Trail, Silverthorne, CO, October 2022

Okay so let’s see if I can make a coherent post out of random nerdy bits!

On the elliptical tonight, listening to Book 12 of Anna Durand’s Hot Scots series, I was so excited to learn about the different types of twilight! Baahahahaaaa, yes, that is what makes open door romance audiobooks so exciting, I’m sure every reader lives for the science dropped here! I can’t remember if that was before or after the hero talked about strapping C4 to his chest during a treasure hunting adventure. I felt gratified and proud that I knew what C4 is, from watching season upon season of Mythbusters. You just never know when something you pick up in one place will come in handy somewhere else. Bet you ten dollars I’ll be telling someone about nautical twilight by this time next week!

***

Daughter and I have always stopped to observe dead animals we find on the ground. Our morbid fascination is encouraged by our friend, a biology teacher at her school. An upper classman donated the family dog after it had been euthanized. Daughter spent free time last year dissecting it with friends. Currently it’s a bucket of bones, waiting to be reassembled, Sue-style. So when I found naturally picked-clean deer leg bones (likely a mountain lion kill) on a hike in Colorado last month, I had to bring it back for our friend. I covered it in plastic wrap in my carry on, getting through security without issue. He appreciated it very much, and it made me happy to make him happy in this quirky, nerdy way that we both are.

On Halloween, Daughter came across a freshly expired bird, who likely died from traumatic brain injury by colliding with a window. We found out from Daughter’s friends, who participated in the ornithology events at Science Olympiad (her ‘bird nerd’ friends), that it was a European starling. Its remains now also reside at school. I wonder if they will find skull fractures upon necropsy?

***

Husband and I may really be ubernerds who belong together (so Daughter comes by it honestly). We have been known to binge watch Modern Marvels; my favorite episodes are about hand tools (learn how the monkey wrench got its name!), power tools, and fast food tech. We tortured our friend once in med school. She came over for dinner and afterward we two sat deeply enthralled by an engineering show on bridge building; she could not figure out how to leave politely. Weeks later, when we watched a round table discussion between local TV meterologists on the PBS station, we made sure we were alone.

*sigh*

It’s just how we are. Everything is so interesting, it catches our attention and we have to see, feel, explore. You just never know what there is to know unless you slow down and look. And the more we learn, the more we see how everything is connected. The butterfly effect is real, it is fascinating, and I respect it. I stand in awe of it, and it makes me happy.

Peace Joy Love

Rubber stamp washi tape handmade greeting card, CC, c.2020

What would happen if we challenged ourselves for the next day, week, month, rest of our life, in all of our intentions, words, actions, advocacy, and relationships, to both ground in and aspire to, simply these three core experiences? No really, stop laughing. I’m serious, what would that look like? How would it feel? How would we be and do differently?

It occurred to me recently that in life, in (and literally at) the end, what do we really need other than these? What if at the time of my death, I can look back at my work(s), my family, my friends, at everything I remember and leave behind, and really just bask in peace, joy, and love? Sign me up!

I label them experiences rather than emotions on purpose (is there yet a better word, though?). I’m not talking about superficial sensations of calm and happiness that come and go like weather. I’m after that deeply rooted, unassailable knowing–living, in each moment, consciously, in peace, in joy, and in love. It occurs to me that we can practice this; we can actively cultivate it, with each and every breath.

Of course, that’s it. Peace, Joy, and Love don’t just happen. We get to choose them. This is not an original thought or idea. But I have a new level of insight about it now. I can be peacejoylove at any moment. Would I call it a mindfulness practice? Sure. It’s a choice and an intention, a constant attending to both my outer environment and my inner world. It’s about maintaining a certain resonance, a sustained frequency, a rhythm, that keeps its own time, resilient to distraction and derailment, and that also simultaneously adjusts, adapts, and reorganizes as needed. Like a heart beat. I feel more peaceful just typing this.

I will fail. Repeatedly. Severely. But as they say in mindfulness, rather than judge the departure, I can simply, calmly, and lovingly acknowledge it, and then celebrate the return. Because as long as I commit, I will always return. I can keep going, keep doing, keep being.

So then, what would I actually be like if I did this? How could you tell?

I think I would take deeper breaths, and breathe more slowly in general. I might walk more slowly too, except when I bounce and sashay in rhythm to my favorite songs on the sidewalk. I would pause longer before entering clinical encounters, answering phone calls and text messages. I might pray, meditate, and be still more regularly. I might use even more fun emojis? …nah, I think I may have maxed out on that one already.

I already hug tight. I laugh out loud and often. I look people in the eye and tell them why they are great. I make time and go places to see people, be with them, do things that make meaning and memories. I try new things. I revel in all kinds of awesomness, all around me, all the time. I feel peacejoylove often already. But do I live it? Yes, sometimes.

I have triggers. I react. I lash out; I regret. I have a lot of work to do. But I’m on the path.

ODOMOBaaT.

Bring It.

Bring It: Embrace the Suck

“Short-term easy is long term hard. Short-term hard is long-term easy.” –Shane Parrish, The Knowledge Project

If you know it’s going to be painful, and it cannot be avoided, just do it. Start. Do the work.

This does not mean take an impulsive running leap off a cliff with no parachute.

Study the problem. Understand the challenge. Know what skills, tools, and support you need. Line them up, sharpen them, check the list.

But stop ruminating, overanalyzing, making excuses.

Get honest about your avoidance, see what it costs you. Calculate the value: Is the false, needling ‘comfort’ of procrastinating now worth the payment(s) you will inevitably make later?

It’s all so much easier said than done.

What do we need to get to, “Bring it!”? How can we overcome fear, discomfort, pain, perfectionism, and failure, to suck it up and move? Embracing the suck means facing the challenge with full frontal, dead on acknowledgement of the whole problem and all of its implications–and accepting it. That is the first step to changing anything, counterintuitive as it seems.

After that, ‘just do it’ means simply taking one step toward change, toward resolution, toward peace. No leaping, no parachutes. One step, then another, then another. Paced, thoughtful, informed, intentional, and, in the best cases, communal.

‘The only way out is through. The best way through is together.’ We can be with things the way they are, including how we feel about them, without judgment. Just be. Then act. When I think back at my ‘Bring It’ and ‘Embrace the Suck’ moments, I recall feelings of confidence, power to, and connection to my tribe. I feel strong, my posture straightens, I get taller. I trust myself to engage and grapple, and I know without a doubt that I have people who will be there for me when I need them. Turns out, when I really think it through, that last part is crucial.

So there it is again, my friends!! Relationship and connection! I had no idea that’s where this post would end. How fascinating, can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow!