Category Archives: relationship

Politics

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Ooooooooo [rubbing palms together ambitiously]… HOW to write THIS one? [devious facial expression] I feel lighthearted about it and don’t want to offend anyone by minimizing issues and work that mean so much to them. I write with respect.

Here we go.

How do I do politics well already?
–I have stopped watching the news and reading political opinion. I am informed enough and much less agitated and confrontational. This gives me the space to consider current events from the more distant standpoint of my core values and how I wish for our systems to work optimally, rather than getting swept up in the the latest bombastic thing someone said or last atrocity perpetrated by one armed force or another. It is NOT that I feel no empathy or compassion for those affected. When moved, I look for and support agencies that advance causes I care about.
–In the workplace, I play no games. Honestly I don’t even know what the games are. I show up all me, all in, straight forward. I am honest, respectful, and diplomatic. I give feedback based on objective facts and how I interpret them, rather than assuming that my perceptions are facts themselves. I ask for feedback often. I hold relationships first and check in regularly for connection and shared goals.
–I seek and lead conversations around disagreement. I ask a lot of open ended questions based on curiosity more than judgment (imperfectly, but I try my best), and I usually end up listening more than speaking. I get riled up about some things, but even then I my rants are short and core values based, and I can still engage productively. I always learn something valuable in these conversations.

How could I do better?
–I guess I could be more ‘active’? I have written postcards to voters in the past, donated to candidates and officials whom I believe do good. Right now other things take precedence; my attention is fininte.
–When I engage in politics again, I plan to improve my local issue and personnel awareness. Because that is where my attention and action is likely to have more impact.
–When I start consuming political media again, I will be more discerning and look for long form pieces and sources that are clear and open about their biases, and do my best to read widely and divergently.

How does society do politics well already?
Baaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaa Sometimes ya just gotta laugh, if only to keep from crying. Okay, okay, let’s see—

Shit still does get done. We may complain every day and rail at the most visible and anonymous folks who ‘run’ things. But when I look around, roads get repaired. People have healthcare (imperfect and frustrating as it so often is). Decisions get made, rules change, and the changes get executed. Then they change back and that gets executed, too. We are able to move–the world does function.

We haven’t descended into total anarchy yet. For most people I know, daily life is still pretty routine, despite the broad and heavy sense of global doom and gloom. It’s not easy, and there are definitely health consequences for many, but life as we know it is not fundamentally threatened. Huh. The more I think about it the more paradoxical it all feels–the sky is falling and life goes on as usual. So there must still be hope, right?

How can we do better?
Holy cow, this may be the most optimistic thing I write all month:

Policy ahead of Power. Here is where the electorate needs to step up and act in a concerted countermovement. We need candidates to nominate and elect who found their campaigns on what they will do for the people, the causes they are for, ahead of those who can only criticize and belittle the ‘other side’ the most derisively, fanning our basest ‘us vs them’ emotional flames. We must understand that in order to get shit done, leaders need excellent interpersonal and communication skills. We need negotiators in office, not mercenaries and tyrants. We need people driven by ideals, not status, greed, or power.

Elevate and reinforce civic participation. In order for the electorate to do this, it needs to practice staying informed. Who has time for that? We need systems that make it easier:
—Transparency and ready access to real, relevant information. This is done well by some and not others. Voting records, brief memos on rationale, clear and consistent communication on relevant issues are all fundamental requirements for effective political leadership. Campaign finance needs to live completely in the light, full stop.
–Hold the press and media accountable. Easier said than done, and profoundly important. “Fake news” is such an incendiary phrase anymore; then again, if we consume less ‘news’ in general and engage in more thoughtful discussion not around daily events and soundbites but actual political ideals and execution of policy in daily life, maybe we can train ourselves into elevated conversations? So, huh, would that diminish the relevance of the media itself? Or maybe shift its focus from click bait to thoughtful discourse? **shudder**
Like I said, I may be high on optimism right this minute…
–Make it easier to vote: national holiday, longer voting hours, whatever it takes–lower the threshhold, get more people informed and participating.

STOP engaging in and amplifying ad hominem. Just stop. When Politician X spews inflammatory accusations, personal attacks, and otherwise acts out, ignore it. Give it no platform. Every time an obnoxious behavior garners clicks, clips, broadcasts, and engagement, the behavior is reinforced and will be repeated. When your kid throws a tantrum, what’s the best way to get them to stop? Ignore them. When they display good manners and healthy skills? Praise them. Adults are no different–how many times in the past week have you compared a public figure to a child? Media and citizens reinforce public political behaviors with attention and amplification. If we do this more strictly and only for actions and words that advance ideals and policy, and not those that dehumanize and incite, our politics could shift more toward productivity.

Breathe deep and take the long view. Yes, landmark decisions and legislation change our lives quickly. And yet, human history does not move linearly. There will always be tension and exchange between divergent and opposing ideals and forces. This is not necessarily a bad thing; how we manage the tension matters most. Mutual respect, shared humanity and core values, honesty, civility, effective interpersonal skills–these are key for a peaceful, productive society, from elected leaders to the general public, even when the majority of conflicts will never actually be ‘resolved’–just like marriage! We will all always be in relationship forever, we humans, and no ‘side’ will ever vanquish any ‘other’. We’ll all be better off if we learn now how to interact more effectively, in private and public alike.

Huh. Looks like I still have a lot of thoughts about how things could be much better on a large scale. I need to write this book, darn it.

Acceptance

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Two plutonium bombs in different locations. The only way to save the world is to defuse them at exactly the same 1/10th of a second, but only after the detonation key is deactivated from yet another location. And that cannot happen until the countdown has started, which gives the hero team fifteen minutes to get it all done.
“Okay,” badass girl hero says.
No denial, no, “That can’t be, you’ve got to be kidding me, there must be another way.”
Just, “Okay.”
And they get to it, one step at a time, improvising, committed together and flexing around obstacles one after another. In typical action movie fashion, the villain dies a karmically satisfying death, the heroes prevail, justice is served, and the world never knows it was miliseconds away from nuclear annihilation.
Props if you can name the movie. 😉

How do I do acceptance well already?
–I totally get it in my thinking mind; and when the thing I must accept is not emotionally charged, I adapt easily and take everything in stride. Flexibilty helps with this, and my life is generally smooth sailing.
–I’m better able now to recognize when I don’t actually fully accept something–when recognizing it intellectually is not enough to get to peace with it.
–When this happens, I can sit with the discomfort–accept it–and let is pass. I tell myself it’s normal and human to have a hard time with deep inner conflicts, that self-awareness in service of reflection, regulation, and more right action is a lifelong learning journey.

How could I do better?
–I need to find a better bridge between cognitive and emotional acceptance. I understand what is happening. I don’t like it, and get that I don’t have control. I recognize where I have agency and not. And yet, I still end up wallowing in irritation, anger, sadness, and resentment. Less frequently each year than the last, and less severely now than before, but sheesh, how long before I can just roll easier with it all and suffer less, FFS?
–Breathe breathe breathe. Maybe prayer? Writing definitely helps. Keep doing the work.
–Or (and?) just accept that this amount of mild to moderate pain and suffering is just par for the course? Huh.

How does society already do well at acceptance?

Is this mostly about inclusion? So many of my posts this month relate to identity, both individual and collective. No matter who you are or what there is about you, it seems easier now than ever to find those who will see, understand, accept, and even love you. They may not be physically local, but you can find literature, resources, and virtual communities to bond over almost anything, it seems. The caveat is that our culture is so emotionally charged right now, non-acceptance threatens to overtake and drive our collective in- and out-group encounters, dividing us more than uniting, making acceptance something we don’t even strive for anymore.

How could we all do better together?

Ask better questions. What is it that we need to do better at accepting, exactly? Facts? Fundamental disagreements? Conflicting values and goals? Shared ones? What questions will give us clarity on what is, and help us resist the urge to ignore, deny, dismiss, and minimize? How can we get to “Okay,” and move with calm and equanimity, peace and purpose, and even joy, toward what could be? What does “Okay” feel like, when/where have we felt it before, and how did we get there?

Maybe the first steps toward peaceful and productive acceptance, among others, are curiosity, non-judgment, and openness to learning. The primary reward and benefit of true, honest, cognitive and emotional acceptance, and what I long for most, is inner peace. I want this so much because I know that wherever and whenever I have inner peace about something, that peace lifts me. It exudes with a palpable force, and my impact on my surroundings is positive. When my innards are turbulent, conflicted, and agitated, I’m not the only one who suffers.
*sigh*
Onward. It is through the struggles that we grow.

Flexibility

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Speaking of… I write this from the emergency department, where Daughter is now observed for an anphylactic allergic food reaction (she’s okay now). *sigh* We do what we’ gotta do–will be here at least another 4 hours.

How do I already do flexibility well?
–I have an agile mind. It freezes occasionally, but most of the time I can assess a fluid situation and work out effective solutions on the fly. Every day in executive health is different and unique, with schedule disruptions from new symptoms, exam findings, test results, and events in other departments. The team, physicians and staff alike, move like gears shifting and sliding amongst one another, keeping the machine running as smoothly as possible.
–I have a low threshold to question and challenge ‘how we have always done’ something, especially when it’s no longer relevant or useful. This includes assessing my default assumptions, especially negative ones, about people. I don’t always do this readily, but more often now than before.
–I can change personal plans without much distress, as long as circumstances allow. I am seldom married to any given itinerary; my greatest sadness is when long awaited meetings with loved ones fall through.

How could I do better?
–I know there are situations where I am rigid, attached to my default assumptions, and not aware. Even when I am aware, I still resist flexing. I’m human. *sigh* So: more mindfulness… Polarity management… Perspective taking… Hmmm… I’m really glad I’ve written these posts this month–they will be a helpful handbook of skills and reminders going forward.
–Sometimes I may be too flexible, which can lead to indecisiveness and meandering. Wide collaboration and flat leadership hierarchy style have pitfalls. I think this is a minor weakness, though. I can sense pretty well when I need to decide something; and since most decisions are two-way doors, my openness to flexibility is still rewarded.

How are we already collectively flexible?

Freedom of expression; innovation. Conflicting opinions notwithstanding, American culture is pretty tolerant of widely varying manifestations of individual and group identity. We are relatively open, I think, to new ideas and creativity. We may not be the most flexible or open, but I think the number of innovations in many domains that originate in the US is a testament to our ability to flex…in technical and commercial areas more than social, in my non-evidence-based observation.

How could we do flexibility better together?

Cull bureaucracy. This feels like chasing a better balance between centralized and decentralized government/management, affording better local responses to acutely changing circumstances and needs. How would this work? Off the top of my head:
–Crystal clear vision, mission, values, goals common to and bought in by all locales
–Concrete, relevant, direct, attributable, and achievable metrics–adjusted to local specifics and still clearly aligned with global mission/goals
–Effective accountability and regular assessment, feedback and remediation as needed
–Balanced interdependence between nodes of the system; stakes for each unit in each other unit’s success

Promote experimentation, pilots, start ups. We facilitate flexibility when creativity and innovation is low risk and low cost. Manage sunk cost biases, apply iterative learning, practice seeing more doors that swing two ways. Collaborate and integrate between disciplines.

Stop punishing the masses for transgressions of the few. Regulation is complex. At least in medicine, the vast majority of practitioners make an honest living, making occasional accounting mistakes. My impression is that sporadic examples of fraud, admitedly severe, incite layers of global stricture on billing and verification, strangling all of us with at least as much time spent on paperwork as on face to face patient care, fueling burnout and alienating patients from their care providers. David French has written that it is not the severity of punishment that deters crime; it is the assuredness of it. I will park illegally if I think I won’t get caught, even if the ticket is $100. But if I know I’ll be charged $20 every time I do it, I won’t. So, maximize accountability and optimize systems for members to self-regulate effectively.

I hope you all had a Thanksgiving that fulfilled at least some hopes of communion, connection, and joy. Living with high risk medical conditions, when sudden and severe episodes trigger acute, indiscriminate, and impactful changes in plans, makes us even more flexible than we may already be. It’s useful, if painful, training. I am always grateful to walk out intact on the other side.