Tag Archives: Ethos Training Systems Chicago

Holding Connection

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“It’s a beautiful day in Chicago.
“Gratitude stands in front today, sadness pressed right up behind. They hold each other like twin toddlers: Intimate. Knowing. *Connected*.
“Holding.”

If you follow me on Instagram, you know I post photos of a mug by my laptop every weekend. Normally this gives the page a semi-coherent aesthetic of mug shots alternating with blog posts, with occasional other stuff sprinkled in. This month I’m inserting a mug picture when I think of it, to break up the daily blog tiles. The caption above emerged spontaneously today. *happy sigh*

Had a leisurely morning before and after dropping Daughter off at school. Got some work done, then made it to Ethos for the start of a new training block (barbell front foot elevated split squats and pull ups, oh yeah!). Did my first class with Coach Arianna—ROCK STAR. Caught up a little with lovely friend James, then had a wonderful lunch with dear Jacob. Chatted with the beautiful Kasey, picked up a little jar smile for myself on the way out, and felt a good little tingle. I generally do not cry easily, but tears verged more than once on the drive home. Gratitude in front, sadness right behind. I write ad nauseum about the community at Ethos–I promise they do not pay me. It’s just a unique community where relationship is a core value. It is their ethos, expressed right there in their tagline: TRAIN. RECOVER. CONNECT. And let me tell you, they (we) walk the talk. I drive up to 45 minutes each way, three times a week, to commune with these amazingly generous and kind people who hold me in my strengths, my vulnerabilities, my weirdness–in my wholeness.

Today my friends held me in my sadness. They held my heart close and tight. They were so present. I am not happy about a second Trump administration, not at all. But I could accept it on Wednesday. I am confident in our institutions at the moment and I see the slow groundswell of collaborative efforts across the aisle in credible party leaders to uphold them. I see popular legislative efforts across the country to protect the rights I care about. Policy will always be a give and take, one and two steps forward and back ad infinitum. The sadness set in only after seeing repeated expressions of vehement relationship rupture and abandonment, of harsh judgment with complete lack of curiosity and empathy. I see it on both sides (nobody is asking relationally meaningful questions), and more from the left. I understand and empathize with the intense emotions–the shock and disappointment, the outrage, even the hopelessness. I share some of them. But above all, it’s the active, volitional relational desertion, collective or individual, that distresses me most.

In the afternoon I spoke to Jon, my high school classmate, a conservative. We last met at our ten year reunion, 23 years ago. We have stayed connected on Facebook, mainly to discuss our divergent political views. It has always been respectful and loving. He messaged me on Wednesday to ask how I was. He is the friend I wrote about who hugged his tearful colleague after Trump won in 2016. We spoke for an hour and agreed on many more things than we disagreed on–mostly relational, behavioral, and pragmatic things. We held space for the really complex issues. We agreed strongly and wholeheartedly that in the most emotionally charged, most intense disagreements of identity and personal beliefs, that is when and where we must exercise the most attunement, kindness, empathy, and humility–basically the opposite of what we actually do.

So grateful. So sad.

I am okay. I am not surprised or disillusioned, necessarily. I am not hopeless. We are human, and this is how we do under severe stress. Relationship ruptures can be repaired. It is a choice. That does not mean it is easy, and wounds leave scars, some large and disfiguring.

“You got hurt,” Dear Friend said to me so lovingly once, after I attempted to connect to someone and missed. Yes, I got hurt. That can happen when we risk connection. It was worth it. My friends showed me today that every time I have taken this risk, the reward has consistently far outweighed any cost or pain. There is so much pain right now, my friends–it rolls over us like the darkest thundercloud. And it will pass. Throwing away our relationships now will not make it pass any faster, nor make the light any brighter afterward–quite the opposite, I’m convinced.

I Hold Connection for Us, my friends. I hold it like our lives depend on it.
Because they do.

The Jar of Smiles

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Who doesn’t need a tiny love note once in a while?

The ‘jar of smiles’ idea came across my Instagram feed some months ago and, though it’s not new, this time it moved me instantly. I could buy a jar of notes online, or I could simply write my own! I have stacks of origami paper left over from past obsessions with the kids–perfect. And since I also save glass jars like a true hoarder, I was all set.

The first two jars went to friends going through hardships. I think of these amazing sisters often and try to text them in real time, and this is another way for them to feel loved by me, but at moments of their own choosing.

Daughter suggested I write a jar for my friends at Ethos, my beloved gym–brilliant! After moving to a beautiful new space 2.5 times bigger than the original and expanding team and services with ambition and gusto, I knew the transition–for all of us–would be a challenge. And it was daunting to consider writing enough smile notes for a whole community. When the gym re-opened last month, the elevated energy was palpable. Every fear or worry I had about the culture not translating was allayed immediately. People’s auras and vibrations pulsed with excitement, light, and possibility. I would not have imagined that the love shared among my gym friends could get better, and here we are–the commute can take up to twice as long now, and I drive it happily just to bask in the light and connection while I train my body. So of course I could pour all that love into a Jar of Smiles!

Turns out, well wishes are easy and fun to write. While listening one night to Beastly Beauty by Jennifer Donnelly (another book I highly recommend; check out my review on Goodreads), the inspiration flowed. Any word from any given passage that crossed my consciousness could evoke something positive. Most messages apply to myself also–reminders of how I want to approach any day or challenge. Music lyrics, books, conversations, memories, items on my desk–once I’m in the love note mindset, each smile message emerges spontaneously and practically writes itself, alternating between affirmations, admonishments for self-compassion and self-care, interesting questions, and cheerleading.

What I had not expected was how uplifted I would feel myself after writing them. Each note is an original thought, occurring to me in real time and sometimes morphing as it emerges, as I run out of space in a line or leave out a letter. But the sentiment and intention remain steadfast–to connect, even anonymously–because we are all human, we are all here doing our best, and our core needs for feeling seen, heard, understood, accepted, and loved are the same. It reminds me of when I write my patients’ action plans at the end of their full day physicals, after consulting with me, the dietician, and the exercise physiologist. The team and I have the luxury of long interviews, when we have time to ask deeper questions and really know people. Our annual health summary acknowledges people’s persistent self-care efforts and serves as pep talk for the year to come. I see you. This is what you mean to your colleagues and loved ones. This is what I wish for you.

My smile jar messages feel like little love darts–the Nerf suction cup kind–shot joyfully at my friends, aiming to bestow mini hickies of encouragement. Maybe a small note will lift someone and make them more likely to lift someone else, because we are always more likely to shine on others when we feel light ourselves. If the effect only lasts a moment, even one subsequent interaction, that’s enough! It’s like dropping grains of sand on a dune (an analogy my mentor taught me), one at a time. Most land uneventfully–the receipient gets a transient oxytocin hit that passes. Once in a while a few grains cause a small slide along the dune face–people start to hold doors for one another, let others into traffic, say hello and start friendly conversations in the check-out line. And over time, with enough grains steadily deposited, ridges and knolls change shape–we start assuming the best instead of the worst in each other, get curious before applying judgment, and seek connection more than division.

Love notes have the power to transform.

I have a 4-inch stack of 3-inch origami squares, a set of rainbow pens, and a box full of glass jars at the ready. I have a list of recipients and occasions, and of course a set of refill smiles for the jar at Ethos. I hope people keep plucking the little squares out regularly, and I hope they do get a good, real smile from each. They are written with love, and I smile myself, rereading as I fold them. It’s meditative and uplifting, and that is my wish for anyone who opens one.

Onward in love and light, my friends. Please share yours, no matter how small–love given away multiplies rather than diminishes–the world needs every grain and every message of love we can muster right now.

Milestones: Learned, Liberated, and Empowered

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Happy 600th post on Healing Through Connection!

What do you celebrate today?

I vaguely recall marking the 200th post here; that was a big deal, as I had only set out to maintain this blog for one year. HTC turns nine years old this month! Thank you for indulging me in this reflection. I love most that I have documented a slow and steady personal and professional evolution here. My core values and writing mission remain unchanged, and my attitudes, approaches, and conclusions are both more convicted and somehow also softer now. Maybe it’s that I notice and embrace polarities more, and navigate them more willingly and skillfully? I definitely embrace paradox more openly and joyfully. Both of these practices make me happier, more peaceful, and a better communicator, I’m convinced.
I know some readers have followed since the beginning–what have you noticed these nine years?

Other milestones I celebrate at this writing:
50 years of life
25 years an MD
15 years at Northwestern Medicine
15 years of active, intentional inner work
10 years of intentional physical fitness training
1 year training at Ethos
18 months of romance audio immersion and community engagement
20 years of parenting, one kid flown

Here’s another marker, much darker: April 20, 2024 marks the 25th year since the mass shooting at Columbine High School. My friend’s daughter, who was 18 when she died there, would be 43 now. I have no words for this loss.

What is the point of marking any of these things? Fundamentally it is a reflection, an assessment, a way to make meaning of time, life, relationships–anything that matters to us. Looking back, seeing how far we have come, and then looking foward at how far we have yet to go–it lends perspective. I get to acknowledge some significance of my individual presence, activity, and impact, while also recognizing the utter smallness of it at the same time. And at this age, it all feels both peaceful and activating–more paradox!

Learned. I’ll think more on it, but learning may be the most rewarding thing we can do in life. And it only gets better with age, if we are paying attention, because any new acquisition–of information, knowledge, awareness, insight–is added to a synergistically cumulative body of experience that both expands and deepens exponentially over a lifetime. Marking milestones shows me how I have grown, what I have learned, and how vast the potential of human learning really is.

Liberated. The more I know, the more I know I don’t know. Rather than sparking fear or insecurity, rather than making me feel small and ineffective, this realization frees me. I can accept that everything I know is incomplete, that we’re all here doing the best we can with what we have in real time. I am liberated from thinking I can or should have all the answers–I can walk with anybody on any path, and we can figure it out as we go. My own knowledge, insights, and wisdom, however incomplete, are hard won; at this age I feel solid confidence in the skill set I have honed to acquire them. I also know that the honing will continue lifelong. Milestones mark the evidence of effort. It’s a joyous humility of sorts, anticipating recurrent lessons that may be painful, but maybe a little less so every time, and it will all ultimately make me better. Bring it.

Empowered. Happy to keep learning. Freed to acquire, apply, and share all learning in creative and collaborative ways to make my best contribution. Looking back on these milestones gives me confidence that I indeed have something to offer. The best thing I can do is use my own personal power to elevate others, to help them find and strengthen their own power. Together we can keep learning, keep growing, keep reaching, doing, making, being our best for one another.

Lots of people are having a hard time right now, so much pain and suffering all around us. Markers of joy and pain are all meaningful, all serve a purpose. Everything gained comes at a cost. This blog helps me process it all, gives me a place to reflect, record, and remember later. Nine years blogging and going strong, maybe even getting stronger. And yes, Book. *sigh* Momentum for that project ebbs and flows; the ultimate outcome is still unclear, and I’m okay with it. I have never loved writing more than I do now, so hopefully that portends something concrete for my future. It’s been nine years since the idea of publishing a book occurred to me, nine months since the writing workshop where I renewed my commitment. Let’s see when the next Book milestone occurs, eh? Exciting.

Let us mark and celebrate meaningful things more regularly and reverently, shall we? Not just milestones but inch pebbles and the like. Small wins, any progress, any connection, any epiphany, in any domain. It all matters if we care, if it’s valuable to us. And all the better if we can turn that reverent, celebratory energy into mutual uplift and rocket fuel for humanity’s journey toward ever stronger and more loving relationships.

What can we find this week to mark the next step on this path toward healing connection?