It was International Women’s Day this past week. I have seen only a handful of men acknowledge and amplify. I’ve had this post drafted for a while now; time to get it out!
My friend’s husband understands: “Here let me exercise my white male privilege.” He steps up, takes the handlebar facing the toddler in the seat, and the supermarket shopping cart sea parts for him, when it did not for her.
He knows he can live a life free from conflict much more easily than she can. He can be ignorant more easily. He bears fewer social costs for any dissenting behaviors.
Certain people just have more power. “You should exercise.” Advice from the doctor carries more weight and influence than from the spouse. Teen peer more than parent. And fellow Cis-Het-Christian-White Male (CHCWM) more than anyone else. So men: how are you helping?
It’s more effective if you come alongside rather than come at. Berating, lecturing, or shaming fellow men to take a hard left from their stereotypes, implicit biases, and internalized misogyny hardly ever works. Rather, use your influence more quietly. Lead by example with your words and actions to the slow off-ramp of self-awareness, self-regulation and movement toward gender equality. Be gentle. Plant the seeds. Water, water, light, fertilize, water, light, water.. and eventually we can repot.
Scale your influence by connecting with other exemplary leaders. Culture change occurs mostly from the top down, and CHCWMs are the CEOs of American culture.
If you’re already there, ready to exercise your influence on behalf of women, to be the best ally you can be, decide how you will act. Start small, like at the gym. Find the muscles of upstanding and train them. Test them for stability, add weights slowly by stepping into discomfort more often; do not push through pain or cause yourself injury, but challenge limits—both yours and society’s. Recruit a coach or buddy—it’s always easier and better to train with a friend.
If you’re not there, start by noticing: fleeting facial expressions, shifts in posture, passing clouds of mood or vibe change—how are the women around you accommodating you and other men automatically, without anyone even noticing, much less acknowledging?
Awareness can be hard. It can incite guilt and regret, even shame and self-loathing. But that is not the goal. The goal is growth and connection. Allow the feelings in, sit with their meaning and discover how they motivate you. That’s what feelings are for, after all. Hold it all loosely, give it space to settle, land where it fits in the cracks of your bias, wedging open a door to being and doing better for your fellow humans.
Then attune to the next signal, the next, repeat. Once enough nuggets have accumulated, your pattern of change energy may emerge, unique to you. Your contribution. How can you show up in solidarity, where does your own privilege do the most good? How can you come alongside and nudge, steer your male peers toward the off-ramp, from implicit or explicit misogyny toward empathic and compassionate inclusion?
We have come such a long way, we women and the men who support and hold us up. We have so long yet to go, though, and we can only move forward with the alliance of all— men and women, and non-binary people alike. When society raises the floor of respect for any of us, it helps all of us. It’s not about conflict and competition. It’s about shared humanity. “I see you. I value you equally to myself and those like me.”
The only way out is through. The best way through is together. Thank you, our White Male Allies, for going together with us.
Healing Through Connection 