Tag Archives: Shane East

Trust and Influence–Because Shane Said So

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Instagram, @shaneeastreads, 1-3-2024

What is your morning routine? Do you run it, or does it run you?

In the video post of the screen shot above, my romance narrator hero Shane East reports on some morning advice he heard on a podcast on New Year’s Day (Huberman?), and invites followers to try it with him:
1. Upon waking, get sunlight for at least several minutes before getting on any screen
2. Delay caffeine intake for at least 45 minutes after waking
For the second, he describes the relationship between caffeine and adenosine, the neurotransmitter that promotes sleep drive. Simply, caffeine is an adenosine antagonist: when it sits on adenosine receptors in the brain, which normally slow cellular function and promote sleep, it has the opposite effect, promoting wakefulness instead. 

I dived into the rabbit hole that yielded the articles linked above, trying to understand the rationale behind that second recommendation.
My takeaways:
1. Transition from sleep to full wakefulness takes time; better to let the body do it naturally by drinking water (we get dehydrated overnight) and getting light (preferably full spectrum sunlight, but get what you can that’s not a screen) on the retinas before doing anything else.
2. Caffeine can prolong and/or amplify effects of morning norepiniphrine and cortisol, which have stimulatory effects on heart rate, blood pressure, and other systems of the body. It can interfere with physiologic adenosine recycling in the brain and, depending on dose and interval, disrupt our intrinsic sleep-wake patterns. Introducing caffeine later after waking, when adenosine levels are lower and more stable, can mitigate this disruption.
3. None of this matters nearly as much as simply getting enough sleep (both quantity and quality) as many nights a week as possible, to obviate the need for stimulants in general.
But caffeine and adenosine are not my point in this post.

Rather, why am I suddenly so motivated, almost giddy, to act on this advice just because Shane said so? Really? Not when I heard it in Why We Sleep, not when I have ever read it elsewhere. Not because I’m a doctor and I know it’s good for me and I want to walk the talk. No. My book hero got up on the third day of this new year, made a 00:01:03 extemporaneous video sharing something cool he had recently learned, invited us fans to try it with him, and that lit one of the biggest behavior change fires under my butt since I joined Ethos nine months ago.

Readers of this blog may know my night owl tendencies. I have been known to post at 1:00am, then get up at 7:00 for work. That hasn’t happened in a while, because I’m working on it! And yet, habit change is hard. I have wanted for years to get up early to write Morning Pages, a creativity and wellness practice that calls to me. But before last week, I slept through all the calls. On a good day, if I left on time for work, I’d write in the car after turning off the engine, before walking from the parking garage to the office. For seven consecutive days now, I have risen with my alarm rather than snooze it. I sit up, turn on my full spectrum bedside lamp (the bulb came with my dawn simulator years ago, and has survived its associated device), grab my journal and write three pages, stream of consciousness, so I have something to distract me from my phone and keep my eyes open to light while I wait for my caffeine. I only look at my phone to turn off the alarm and get my writing playlist going. Win-win-win-WIN!
By the end of three pages, here are my consistent findings so far:
1. I feel alert.
2. My mood is excellent.
3. I’ve gotten out ideas that marinated overnight, or maybe worked out some question I had gone to bed with the night before. Or maybe I uncovered addtional questions yet to ponder. Regardless, I have just spent 15 minutes doing something I love, first thing in the morning!
That’s all pretty amazing.

I have known about the benefits of drinking water in the morning for years. I keep a water bottle at the bedside. But it wasn’t until last week that I started chugging in the morning, while I write. And because I’m getting up earlier and spending more time awake and out of the kitchen, my morning coffee consumption now automatically occurs at least 45 minutes after waking. It all feels almost easy.

And bonus: This new practice seems to have created space for insights and ideas to emerge throughout the day. I’ve made entries in the book journal almost every day this week, and momentum grows toward writing actual chapters and a proposal. I have also realized this week that since ideas so frequently occur as I drive to work (I often grab notebook and pen, scribbling while stopped at lights–hence the parked car journaling), I will now forgo the input of audiobooks (ugly cry face) on the morning commute to facilitate my own original output in that naturally creative time. And I attribute all of this to Shane.

What is with this phenomenon?

Normally I would cogitate long and hard, analyzing the psychology of motivation, cross referencing counseling practices for behavior change, looking back at my own past patterns, etc. Not this time. Today, I’m satisfied to wonder at it all a little while, marvel at the minor miracle of it, and then chalk it up to the utterly irrational nature of human behavior. I love and admire Shane as a person. I see him as trustworthy. I appreciate that he shared this advice, prompting me to search and learn more, nudging me toward my better self. I want to report to him that I accepted his invitation and it helped me.

Because that’s one of the best relational rewards, right, when someone tells us how we help them, how we make their lives better? Isn’t this why I’m a physician? My fondest, most loving memories throughout my career are patients and trainees telling me how I have helped them–yes, it’s my job and still, any amount of validation, no matter how small, matters. It’s even more meaningful after we have gone through multiple trials in their lives or training together. The more we acknowledge this bond, the stronger it gets, the more we trust, mutually.

Patients and students absolutely influence me. Because they trust me and consider my advice, I want to be worthy of it. Trust is built slowly, earned with time, energy, and effort. How better to honor that trust than to practice what I preach, visibly, right alongside my charges? Maybe this is why Shane’s video resonates? He’s getting in the boat with us fans, acknowledging the challenge, inviting us all to journey together, do our best, and see what happens. Had he said, “Hey, I learned this cool new thing, you should try it! Good luck, tell me how it goes!” I would have a very different response.

Trust and influence. They are irrational, driven by our qualitative, ineffable, limbic and sometimes labile sense of connection. I think of trust like an oak tree–grown over many years, strong and sturdy, and also susceptible to irrevocable damage in a single breath–a broken branch never grows back. There is no substitute for the attention and nourishment, cultivated through relationship, required to maintain strong trust and real influence.

Though my energy for this new habit is high today, change is still hard. I have significantly altered my daily routine, counter to what I consider to be my innate tendencies, which is not what I usually recommend. We will see how/whether I can sustain it. Maybe it will help that I was already approaching the threshold, and Shane’s video feels like just the little nudge I needed to push me over to the next best version of myself? Fingers crossed! Lasting change is most often incremental and iterative, requiring multiple trials. So I won’t be too hard on myself if by this time next week I am back to snoozing until the last possible minute to rise, rushing out the door 30 minutes later having written nothing and gulped a good portion of my coffee already. I can forgive myself the lapse and commit to trying again–maybe on days I don’t see patients? Something is usually better than nothing. We’re all here doing our best.

Anyway, Shane, if you read this, thank you. You have made my life better for a while, and now again, and given me more things to write about, for the past week, at least. I have two more blog drafts inspired by reflections on your video. I think of them as I walk to work, and I get Resting Peace Face from the gratitude I feel for the possibilities that have opened in my life because of you being you.

And now it’s late (but not too late). Temperature is -6F outside and I need to get up even earlier tomorrow to write, hydrate, and make sure the car starts. So it’s off to bed for me. I look forward to my Pages tomorrow morning–who knows what may come of this new habit? I’m sure I’ll let you all know as it emerges.

Loving Lessons from Saint by Sierra Simone

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My dear friends, thank you for tolerating the continuous gushing about my romance immersion, 12 months now and still going strong! This post is about more than just the smut, I promise.

Disclosure: Spoilers!

My review of Saint by Sierra Simone on Goodreads (MM = male/male):

“Only my second MM romance. Captivating. So empathically and compassionately written, descriptions of the intrinsic experiences of mental illness, moral conflict, honest self-exploration and accountability open listeners’ minds and hearts to the depth of our fellow humans’ emotional, spiritual, and relational lives–with self as well as others. Sierra Simone‘s voluminous and passionate love of and attention to history shine so brightly, and her writing is both utterly sophisticated and completely relatable. Again, as in Sinner, social commentary is rendered gently, if clearly. This book could be read/heard and thoroughly enjoyed simply as sexy, contemporary romance. And with just a little more contemplation, its meaning and impact become so clearly and importantly much, much more.
Jacob Morgan‘s and Sean Crisden‘s performances move and resonate. Morgan’s accents bring us to Belgium and France with vocal ease. The narrators’ expert acting proves that voice alone is enough to convey all we need to know and feel another’s experience.”

OK SO: Sierra Simone. O.M.G, a QUEEN of language and expression, holy cow! Of all the romance authors whose work I have now consumed (and there are so many more, I will not know them all in this lifetime), her voice stands out, rich and vibrant. “…utterly sophistocated and completely relatable”–maybe I aspire to be so, hence my zealous admiration–because while I cannot think of better words to decribe her work, I know she can.

I have now listened to all three full length novels in the Priest Collection and I highly recommend them all. Jacob Morgan narrates with others, and his voice acting is simply superb, so honest and real. Inspired to listen by the Facebook Shaneiaks group live chat with Sierra and Shane East, once again I cannot thank this community enough for broadening my exposure, experience, and insights from fiction! Sierra is known for her explicitly erotic writing, and she describes in the chat how she came to commit, BOOBS OUT you might say, to writing spicy (‘ghost pepper’ level) romance for her own creative fulfillment. It so happens that doing this resonates deeply with readers and listeners everywhere–such a shining example of the far-reaching ripple benefits of open and audacious authenticity. I was moved to tears by Sinner and to deep thought by Saint, to the point of ordering the latter in print to annotate–only the second print romance I own so far.

The thoughts and feelings evoked by these stories almost escape verbalization. Journaling to untangle it all, I could only list the broad topics approached, addressed, probed, and articulated, individually and all intersecting: Racism. Religion. Spirituality. Grief. Blame. Conflict. Paradox. Love. Lust. Intimacy. Self-delusion. Fear. Shame. Communion. Self-love. Self-compassion. Honesty. Reconciliation. Peace. Commitment. Flexibility. AND. Reformation. Relationship, omg: Parental. Fraternal. Platonic. Romantic. Intimate. Carnal. Spiritual. Intellectual. Multidimensional. Eternal. It’s all an intense, existential jumble, yet conveyed wholly and elegantly in a couple hundred pages of writing, through only dialogue and narrative. Amazing.

The Catholic Church. Simone notes at the beginning of Priest: “I spent the majority of my life in the Catholic faith, and while I’m no longer Catholic, I still have the utmost affection and respect for the Catholic Church… That being said, this novel is about a Catholic priest falling in love. There is sex, more sex, and definitely some blasphemy. (The fun kind).” Her attitude toward the church is respectful, even reverent, as she clearly acknowledges its flaws and failures. Her criticism is loving, never disparaging or rude. How would our world be altered if more of us could take this approach to change and justice?

I think I liked Saint in particular because of the courageous and difficult journey Aiden takes toward integration–to know that he may carve a unique and unprecedented path to being wholly devoted to God without sacrificing any part of himself. I wanted so much for him to embrace that infinity loop of polarity navigation–self-acceptance and independence from dogma and wholehearted communal spiritual participation. Simone’s portayal of church leaders, always local and in personal relationship with the heroes, is so empathetic–they exemplify the ideal spiritual leaders and pastors–helping people through their personal conflicts and crises with love, compassion, humility, and non-judgment.

Characters on journeys to becoming their whole selves, loving each other in the process, helping each other self-actualize–is that what moves me? Isn’t that what heals? In the context of a social structure that has so much of its own paradox–such profound benefits of faith and community and also radically high risk for severe dysfunction, omg… Is there an institution other than religion, that harbors such gaping potential for both healing and harm?

Simone shows how to maintain a loving, open perspective, accepting both poles of the Church, by writing how three brothers in one family react to the same trauma (sister sexually assaulted by priest, later dying by suicide)… Her books do not generalize, dehumanize, demonize, or judge anyone or anything in broad strokes. She does not throw anyone or anything away, nor does she dismiss, excuse, minimize, or deflect. The novels don’t necessarily explore deeply–or I should say explicitly? They are not political or sociological commentary at their core. But through the characters’ struggles and stories, we get to consider myriad gray areas and dig, if we wish, patiently and lovingly, into deeper meaning, both collective and individual, shared and private. The characters’ relationships bridge diversity of race, gender, sexuality, and other aspects of humanity; their moments of epiphany, empathy, and connection emerge in gentle starkness, drawing readers/listeners into vicarious, second hand emotional education.

The ancillary characters all play important roles–obvious and blatant in message–necessarily. They remind me of my own role as physician: I get to observe you, my patient, and your life, as a third party. I am not in your life with you, for the most part. I get to stand and walk next to you when you come to me; I witness. I can know you, and you get to control (much of) that. I can only pry so much; you can choose to withhold. And I may still, if I pay attention, see you. Because our relationship is low-stakes and imbalanced (my role is only to survey and advise, much like the mentors, teachers, and pastors in these stories), I have the freedom to speak frankly, objectively, and lovingly… You may receive my advice more openly than from loved ones because of my credentials and the nature of our relationship. What a fascinating and meaningful privilege.

I wonder how people reject these stories–what do they object to, what are the emotions, triggers, rationalizations, and other factors? To me, these stories can be taken as lessons in honesty. Maybe that’s why I love them so much, because honesty is important to me, and barriers to honesty and self-relection can be formidable in the context of such strong, dogmatic social norms as in the Catholic Church, so heavily steeped in ritual, tradition, and institutionalization. Maybe I see these stories as exemplary works for culture change–fiction as vehicle for social movement–duh-HA! Does anyone expect that from romance? It’s unexpected and, I think, deliciously subversive. Such artful integration, BRAVA. More, please.

God bless Sierra Simone and authors everywhere and in all times, who make us think, feel, and connect, to be and do better.

The Most Meaningful Feedback

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“I see you.”
“This is what you mean to me.”
“This is what I wish for you.”

It started last week with this post on Facebook:

“I feel safe opening up to you… You’re like my therapist.”
“You express my thoughts better than I can.”
“100% hell yes! Thank you for picking up on that!”
“That’s a really good question.”
“You make me want to be a better person.”

I thought of the last one first, as that may be the most meaningful compliment I’ve ever received. Both the compliment and the person who gave it mean so much to me. I took a few minutes to think of other meaningful compliments, ones that stick with me through the years, that hold me up. From the examples above, a pattern emerged: They make me feel the most seen. My highest goal in any encounter, and certainly in all ongoing personal and professional relationships, is to connect–the more deeply, the better. When you express that you feel seen by me, then I have succeeded. I feel reciprocally seen by you and it nourishes me, tightens our bond, and keeps me engaged, continuing to honor this core value in all encounters and relationships, despite obstacles, setbacks, and cultural messages of relational futility. It is the ultimate virtuous cycle.

These expressions are not just compliments. They are feedback to be processed, integrated, and then manifested, evoking more cycles, all on my iterative and adventurous journey toward my best self.

Ozan Varol may be one of my favorite people. This is my 24th post that references him or his work. I respect and admire his growth mindset, humble confidence (which I think is slightly different from confident humility), and commitment to relationship. Even as his following grows ever larger and faster, he still replies to all of my emails (I try to keep them concise and relevant).

Ozan’s second book, Awaken Your Genius, is out today, wooo hoooooo! It was the first book I ever read on my phone, an advance copy, and I loved every ‘page’. What he offers:
“You’ll learn how to discard what no longer serves you and discover your first principles—the qualities that make up your genius. You’ll be equipped to escape your intellectual prisons and generate original insights from your own depths. You’ll discover how to look where others don’t look and see what others don’t see. You’ll give birth to your genius—the universe-denter you were meant to be.”
What I got, and will reread to get again and again as needed:
Reassurance, validation, confidence, comfort, and moral support.
I wrote him a long email listing what it all means to me, and what I especially appreciate about his work. In particular, “I hear you in my head as I read and it feels more informal, more fun and casual, and also no less credible and earnest than the Ozan I know. Did you feel like you were writing *even more as yourself* this time than last? It feels that way to me.” He replied, “100% hell yes!” (see above), that that is exactly what he has been telling people, and it was the best thing I read all day.

Friends, I am still binging romance audiobooks. Shane East is still my favorite narrator, and I found his fan group on Facebook, OMG! 😀 What a fun, open, and loving community! Last month Shane offered to send personalized audio and video messages to fans. I ordered one for Friend, to whom I introduced the genre and Shane’s work some months ago. She bought me his cafe mug when I would not splurge on it for myself, and I thought she’d like a little uplift recording from Our Gentleman, as we Shaneiaks call him. Then I decided to get myself a message for my 50th birthday. In my written request, I summarized what these books have meant to me as a middle aged, perimenopausal, physician mom of a college freshman and a high schooler, and a brand new consumer of romance novels.

I listed my favorite novels and the patterns I saw emerging among them:
“–The heroes are protective of the heroines–I am the eldest of 3 girls and have always wished for a big brother, or someone to be protective of me…
“–Many of the heroes have strong relationships with family, maternal figures in particular… I think there is something in there about core values, loyalty, and secure attachments that I find really comforting in these novels… And maybe I relate to the mom characters, too, since my only son just moved 1700 miles away?
“–The romantic relationships are often unconventional. They validate my desire to question and challenge social norms that stifle the wide diversity of human relational needs, including sexual ones, and how they may evolve over a lifetime. These novels help me stay out of the ‘shoulds’ and recognize that health and happiness in any given relationship are defined by the people in it, much more than society’s gaze on them.
“Finally, I really value how romance novels help me understand myself and my own relationships better, all while letting me escape and live vicariously…”

The descriptions flowed out of me spontaneously, and I felt relieved having articulated it all. I had to think at the end about what I wished for him to say in the recording, finally landing on this request:
“Shane, maybe your message to me can just be a personal response to this?  I would love to hear how you feel, knowing this about a (listener), knowing how your work resonates with someone so personally, knowing that your voice and your characters hold someone up through their own personal challenges and inner work?  You are a celebrity, someone I am unlikely to ever know personally, and yet you occupy an important and unique place in my life experience. How does that feel for you? Thank you for what you do!”

Audio messages dropped this past weekend, and Friend and I were both floored at their utter realness, the easy and loving way he responded to my requests (I ended up purchasing a second one for myself, a reading of one of my favorite writings since high school, Desiderata by Max Ehrmann). He expressed what he wrote in his tweet, saying how meaningful his work is because of the feedback he gets regularly about its impact on his audience. He addressed my personal reflections with compassion, humor, and personal anecdotes of his own. Once again, I felt seen. On top of that, I actually felt loved–not in a romantic groupie-rock star way, but rather in the way I understand agape love–in shared humanity and a deep desire for us all to thrive, manifesting in our work and relationships. As I sat with the feeling, absorbing, soaking, basking in the warmth, all I wanted was for that sense to be visited back on Shane tenfold–for him to be happy and well, surrounded by love. So I wrote a message on his website telling him so. I bet his server is on the verge of collapse from all the feels via email.

The most meaningful feedback: I see you. This is what you mean to me. This is what I wish for you.

How many different ways can we gift this to one another today?