Category Archives: diversity equity inclusion

Holding Wholeness

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When was the last time you judged a whole person, dismissed them, or put them on a high pedestal, knowing only one thing about them? They’re a Chinese-American doctor. They’re a black man in jail. They’re a white male CEO. Their body shape is at least as thick as it is wide. They think exactly the way you do about something really important to you. They think the opposite, and loudly.

“Mamala and the Senator”

Most of us probably know Kamala Harris more as the senator, the attorney general, and the district attorney than the maternal figure to her stepchildren, the avid home chef, and the joyful, laughing woman among friends. How do we reconcile these divergent aspects of her humanity? What does this bring up for each of us? What biases does her wholeness as a person trigger?

Some of us want to see women mainly as maternal, domestic figures. We value the feminine as nurturer and caregiver, the personal glue that holds individual family units together. Others of us also cheered when we watched Senator Harris in action, interrogating hearing witnesses with firey eye contact and direct language, not letting them deflect, obfuscate, or gaslight. Some of us cannot reconcile these divergent sides of a woman, cannot imagine their synergistic integration embodied and applied in leadership, especially at the highest level. That’s too bad, because any leader–man, woman, or otherwise–must own all parts of themselves to lead to their full potential. The strong and the soft, the masculine and the feminine, the committed and the flexible, the differentiated and the attuned–these polar and balancing aspects of our nature make us whole humans. People who live in their wholeness lead by example, by inspiration, by resonance with the wholeness of those they lead. They are leaders because we are moved to follow them; we feel their integrity and want it, aspire to it for ourselves.

Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent. Name a professsion. Name a state, a generation, an eye color, and all of its associations in your mind. It’s okay to think of stereotypes. The brain operates on pattern recognition and shortcut heuristics; we could not live effectively without these automatic systems in place. We just need to guard against leaning on them so heavily that we oversimplify and overgeneralize our fellow humans.

What a narrow, uninteresting, and unfulfilling life when we only see people as categories. Red, Blue, old, young, rich, poor, male, female. What happens to our heuristics when we encounter contradictions? Maybe gay people should not be conservative? Asians should not be loud and demanding? How do we react to the unexpected, the new, the unknown? Too often we fear it. It’s perceived as a threat–to our own expectations, identities, and emotional security. Fear can then sublimate to denial, anger, blame, exclusion, and violence.

What happens when we hold space for one another’s incongruous, confounding, enigmatic, vibrant, and distinctive wholeness, ourselves included? Maybe then we can say, “I don’t fully understand us, and I choose to see us–all of us–anyway, and be with the parts I don’t yet get, because the longer I’m with us, either it will get clearer or I’ll just accept what I cannot know and figure out how to live in civility, if not harmony, with the whole of us.”

None of us is defined by only one aspect of our identity. And yet we so easily identify others this way. What a disservice to one another’s full humanity. Even when it’s positive–“You’re a doctor, wow, you must be the smartest person!”–it’s still reductive. And when it’s negative–“All Trump supporters hate women and people of color”–it is destructive, no question, even when we think we protect and defend the good.

Holding wholeness means getting and staying curious. It means being honest with ourselves and holding ourselves accountable to our biases and how they manifest in thought, perception, words, action, and relationship. It means practicing self-compassion for all of this, and extending empathy and compassion to others struggling with their own self-honesty and -delusion.

May we endeavor to see one another’s full humanity in every encounter. May we withhold judgment, even for a moment, a breath. May we move through the world with an attitude of ‘together’, all of me with all of you, inextricable, interdependent, ad infinitum.

I Hold Wholeness for Us.

Uninhibited

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I effuse.

Anyone who knows me will tell you so. They will describe my facial expressions, gesticulations, profanity, and hyperbole. I feel strongly and express accordingly. I posted yesterday about how it’s all elevated and amplified (though still regulated) recently: I hug stronger and longer. I praise freely. I call people ‘love’ with accelerating frequency. And I talk about love, sex, and relationships a lot more. I attribute much of this to my now two year-old romance audio immersion.

American culture is such a paradox. At the same time that we hypersexualize both men’s and women’s bodies from a young age, we also harbor a collective and insidious Puritanical streak that shames sexuality in general, and for women in particular. I thought I had overcome the latter years ago. But these two years of spicy romance consumption have shown me my blind spots, for which I am eternally grateful.

Early in my career I met a woman patient who was very open about her sex practices. She had both male and female partners, sometimes multiple at a time. I can’t remember whether her practices were protected or not, but she had no active sexually transmitted infections while I knew her. Looking back, I’m sure my words centered around health risks and relationship safety. But if I’m honest, I judged her. I was young in career and life and could not relate to her behaviors and practices. I am sure she felt my negative moral vibrations, and I regret that to this day. Somewhere along the way I let go that judgment and have since made intentional efforts to make it safe for patients to tell me anything. As long as it’s consensual, lucid, and mutually satisfying, I want you to do whatever you want and enjoy your sex life as fully as possible! There is no standard, and my wish is for all partners to feel maximally fulfilled.

Romance novels have opened my eyes to diverse practices and experiences that I did not know to consider before: polyamorous, dominant-submissive, and asexual, among others, and all of the social, emotional, and relational implications thereof. I have shared my transformations of awareness and openness with patients and friends, and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Both men and women get curious and then share their own experiences–desires, inhibitions, disconnects, accommodations, sacrificies, epiphanies/discoveries, etc. These days I talk even more openly than before and with anybody about libido, erectile (dys)function, emotional and carnal connection and their intersection, menopause, penile implants, and anything else that matters to someone’s sexual health. I thought I was uninhibited before and Whoa Nelly, watch me now. Based on conversations with fellow spicy romance enthusiasts, my experience is anything but unique.

Romance narrator Victoria Connolly addresses American purity culture, growing up in and now healing from it. She has invited listeners to share their stories; the voluminous response reveals the prevelance of experience and the value of acknowledging and naming it. See her Instagram post and comments c. August 12, 2024: “‘It wasn’t until I started reading primarily spicy romance that I finally got fed up/brave enough to ask him if it’d be okay if I touched myself or used a vibrator during sex because I’d like to come too.’ | If your story sounds like this, you’re in the right place. | Just share the book in the comments that rewired you forever. The one that made you believe you deserved pleasure.”

I mentioned the Quinn app in my recent Women Elevating Women post. Quinn describes itself as “a mobile app and website where you can listen to audio erotica… spicy audio stories, guided masturbation, dirty talk, and more. The audios on Quinn are designed to help you get there, but they also involve fun and interesting plots.” The New York Times reports, “Apps like Dipsea and Quinn have become popular destinations, particularly for some women who find them safe spaces to explore their sexuality.” Hallelujah!
Readers of this blog know my deep admiration for romance narrator Shane East and his strong allyship of women. His second ever Quinn audio dropped two days ago and has already been played more than 3500 times. Asked, “What inspired the move to create on Quinn?” he answered, “[Quinn] came to me after hearing my work. After discussing things with them and checking things out on the site, seeing what I would like to put out there and gathering a script and audio crew to help me do that, I decided to go for it. I’m all for anything that enables women to own their sexuality without the judgment or shame that can be handed out by others. I’m here of course for everyone being free to own their sexuality and desires in a judgment free, safe and accepting way; however and with whomever they like. Speaking of women specifically though, historically they have been repressed by societal restraints and patriarchal ideology for so long that I think it’s wonderful to be part of something — be that romance books or something like Quinn— that utterly goes against that and gives women (in particular) ownership of what they want. I think it’s fantastic to have the[m] out there.”

*sigh*

This is all such a good thing, all of us embracing our whole, wonderful, beautiful, sexually awake and aware selves–every person of any gender, both individually and in community. Life is simply too short to repress such important and fundamental aspects of identity and connection. Fiction in general and romance in particular help us receive perspectives (as opposed to taking them, as David Brooks writes) other than and different from our own, and empathize with the full scope of human emotional and relational experience.

Inhibitions are not empirically harmful. Restraints can serve us sometimes. And when they outlive their usefulness, shedding them elevates us, frees our spirit, and allows our whole selves to emerge in full glory and actualization. I hope this evolution of collective openness continues. The more we can eliminate shame and empower everyone to own their sexuality, foster deep and meaningful connections fully in mind, body, and spirit, and simply embrace all that makes us our whole human selves, the better all of our lives will be.

The Code of Us: Opening Mind and Heart to Difficult Possibility

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Spoilers likely, dear readers!
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The best books make me both feel and think deeply. The Code of Us by Liv Evans has done so to such a degree that I will not do it justice in this post–I’m still hung over! But processing the story must start somewhere, and if I can move someone here to read or listen to it and discuss, then it will be worth the effort.

Mia, a dedicated neuropsychologist, researches artificial intelligence. Her husband, Arden, creates beautiful sculptures out of things people throw away. Their devoted love story serves as the steadfast anchor for a novel that throws into question everything we may think we know about cognition, memory, technology, relationship, and evolution–about how we think and feel about humanity itself.

Arden agrees to serve as Mia’s alpha subject for her ‘replicated intelligence’ project, meant to preserve and enhance human memory in service of improving people’s quality of life–eventually, when the product is fully developed. When a traumatic brain injury renders him essentially brain dead and on the brink of actual death, she and her two colleagues and close friends rush to implant Arden with a chip that brings him back to life, body and mind, with the still nascent but fully functional technology. Told in alternating present day and flashback, a complex journey of loving intentions, ethical dilemma, grief and loss, unintended consequences, and social implication unfolds.

While the plot engages, stimulates, and challenges me intellectually, it’s the emotional and relational evocativeness–the human(e) relatability–that makes this book an instant treasure in my library. In a mere 188 pages (5:37 hours, narrated by the multitalented Jodie Harris and Steve West), Evans examines–presciently, brilliantly–myriad potential complications and consequences of artificial intelligence–intellectual, social, legal, psychological, and corporeal, among others.

To ground the exploration in an unwavering love story, though, centers readers’ attention on the relational implications, which speak directly to my raison d’etre. Of all the questions that emerged in 10 pages of journaling on this book, the one I most wish for us all to consider is, “How does AI, in any given space, uphold and protect the humanity of all whom it touches?” I almost dismissed it as too difficult a question to attempt answering. But the more I consider the complexity, inevitability, and acceleration of this technology, the more I feel convicted that we, the human creators and consumers of AI, must step up to ask and answer exactly such challenging and overwhelming questions. We are called to be more thoughtful, considerate, inclusive, and complexity-tolerant than we have ever been, by a long shot.

Whatever we do will always be imperfect. There will always be unintended benefits and harms, and our attempts to weigh, compare, and justify it all will always leave many unsatisfied and frustrated. So how do we proceed? How do we show up to engage with the most complex adaptive problem that many of us can ever fathom? What mindset(s) will minimize the risk of nefarious, greedy, and inhumane forces overtaking the altruistic, humanitarian, and egalitarian ones?

Last fall was the first time I thought and wrote in any depth about how AI will change medical practice. Since then I open more and more to the potential benefits, led by my astute and altruistic colleagues in primary care, who model thoughtfulness, compassion, and critical (neither blind nor cynical) appraisal and application.

As my own learning progresses, some key concepts emerge that I will hold in front. They will evolve, obviously, and I ground them always in the commitment to enhancing human to human connection, no matter what tool is considered.

Acceptance with conditions

Humans innovate. We create. We aspire, imagine, and push boundaries. It is the greatest gift of our intellect, and also a potentially fatal flaw. What’s done cannot usually be undone. I accept it all in iterations, fear and trepidation giving way slowly to cautious possibility. That said, nobody should be given carte blanche to advance technology unfettered. Banning development only drives it underground, where the presence and risk of nefarious forces increases, in my estimation. Thus, we must accept and embrace our discomfort with the unknown and uncertain, ask the hard questions, and grapple with the ardent persistence of true infinite game masters.

Transparent and mindful accountability

Ethics committees are a good start. Checks and balances on the runaway flaws of primarily capitalist ventures must be established and maintained. Open source data and outcomes sharing will be key for minimizing harm, I think. That conflicts directly with the competitive financial drivers of innovation, I know. So we must, somehow, wrestle earnestly, honestly, openly, and in good faith with the novel humanitarian complexities and problems that AI creates. We must do accountability better than we ever have which, sadly, is not saying much.

Agile and adapative commitment

There are no words better than exponential acceleration to describe the march of modern technology. We have built this kite that flies ever higher and faster, and if we hope to influence its path at all, it will take more than the string and gym shoes we started with. We must invent the tethering, weighting, and conveyance materials, structures, and vehicles in real time. The faster and more fully we accept the inexorable progress of AI, the more effectively we may flow with it rather than against, to move swiftly and smoothly to manage its ethical, humanitarian, and social implications and consequences.

Critical hope and optimism

Be warned: The Code of Us is not a romance novel, despite its love story core. The book does not end happily, though the end of the book is not necessarily the end of the story. It took a few days for me to identify all of my emotions, led by sadness in depth and intensity. Liv Evans summons, with incredible economy of language, a viscerally, if not cognitively coherent (and thus quintessentially human) cacophony of feelings that at once proves the undeniable shared humanity that fiction evokes, and yet wholly defies full articulation. I don’t think I have ever journaled ten pages about any book, and I’m still intellectually, emotionally, and existentially entangled. Surprisingly, it feels light rather than heavy. This book teaches me a lesson that recurs: With every degree of acceptance, I gain a commensurate measure of liberation. Despite so many egregious examples to the contrary, I still believe humans can transcend our most self-serving, collectively self-destructive tendencies. I believe we have the capacity to collaborate for the common welfare. We just don’t readily exercise it. I have called myself a cynical optimist. Today I choose critical optimist, because we simply must proceed. We must hold onto that kite and not allow ourselves be dragged. In medicine we learn critical appraisal skills: how to evaluate data and evidence for validity and application. When the data is good, we accept it and apply, until new and better data shows us otherwise.

My opitimism is not blind. It is realistic and evidence-informed, if not fully evidence-based. I will deepen my acceptance, demand transparency and accountability, and train for adaptive cognitive and emotional agility. I intend to run with rather than get dragged or trampled.

We humans may destroy ourselves in the end, and that will be what it will be.
Until then, however, I still have hope that we may yet save ourselves.